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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say I can't pick him up?

999 replies

hurryupsummer2 · 08/02/2021 13:21

My husband has a day operation this week - something that could probably be easily moved but he won't.

He wants me to collect him from the hospital at 9pm, but I'm very worried because we have deep snow, and I am nervous about driving in it. I never drive in snow or Ice, and my car is definitely not built for it. I am having worries about accidents.

The hospital is 25 miles away, which includes country roads and roads that won't be gritted. I've suggested he gets a taxi but he shouted at me and told me no, I will collect him, because 'that's what wives do'. He will have had a general anaesthetic and he thinks I'm awful to not pick him up. The taxi would cost around £60-£70.

For background, I am the only driver and it is my car, which I pay for and insure etc on my own.

OP posts:
Griselda1 · 09/02/2021 12:22

I think the first rule of safe driving is to take note of the weather conditions and know what you and your car are capable of. The various posters with exceptional driving abilities won't be driving your call on the night.You will be driving a post op grumpy husband in snow during a pandemic. All very exceptional circumstances and worthy of paying for a taxi.If he doesn't get into it , let him walk home. This is not the time to try and gain expertise in driving in snow.

bluegreygreen · 09/02/2021 12:25

I'm a good driver

I wouldn't be driving 25 miles on rural roads in these conditions when advised not to drive if possible

However

I also wouldn't be saying 'I can't pick him up'. I'd be working out how to do it (taxi from a safe point, hotel or B and B stay etc). This is because we're a team and help each other out.

OP seems not to have that type of relationship. After the event, it would be worth thinking a bit about that and what needs to happen.

callmeadoctor · 09/02/2021 12:28

Faultymain5 The OP has stated that she is a nervous driver anyway and dislikes driving."I'm a nervous driver anyway and would rather not drive at all."

121hugsneeded · 09/02/2021 12:37

He doesn't contribute to the car financially. He doesn't drive. These are his choices.
The OP shouldn't feel beholden to ferry him about in adverse weather.
It's not essential travel, stay at home. Save the NHS.

Stonerosie67 · 09/02/2021 12:39

Are you always so wishy washy, op. If you're such a nervous driver then perhaps you shouldn't be driving at all!
Don't blame your husband for shouting at you, he's had an operation and you're faffing about something that hasn't even happened yet? No way would I want my dh to have to come home in a taxi, he might well be feeling rubbish, and anyway, I'd want to be there for him.
Nervous drivers really annoy me, tbh. Fair enough, not everyone is super confident but those that dither and dally around are so unsafe, both to themselves and more importantly, other road users. If you don't feel secure and in control behind a wheel then don't attempt it!

Wannakisstheteacher · 09/02/2021 12:40

You are happy for the man you married to go home on his own, after a GA and almost certainly in pain. That is the actual problem.

You mean like he did to her after she'd had an op?

My point is OP doesn’t have any desire to help her husband. She isn’t the tiniest bit concerned about his welfare. So, irrespective, of any past tit for tat, no one should be married to someone they simply don’t care about any more.

Eckhart · 09/02/2021 12:45

@emilyfrost

YABU and selfish. You can’t just have an operation moved because your wife is too scared to drive Confused

If you’re a nervous driver anyway you shouldn’t be driving at all; nervous drivers aren’t safe drivers.

Surely, if you think OP is not a safe driver (based on your unsound logic), then she would be selfish to drive at all?
SuperbGorgonzola · 09/02/2021 12:47

Sorry but I also think YABU. Driving on country roads in less than ideal conditions is par for the course in rural Britain. If you don't like driving, you shouldn't be out in the sticks.

TrialOfStyle · 09/02/2021 12:48

My point is OP doesn’t have any desire to help her husband. She isn’t the tiniest bit concerned about his welfare. So, irrespective, of any past tit for tat, no one should be married to someone they simply don’t care about any more.

She clearly does. She's suggested taxis - he doesn't want to pay. She's suggested he rearrange for a safer time to drive - he won't (but will rearrange it for work). He shouted at her and wouldn't extend the same courtesy to her after her OP (why didn't HE go in the car with the friend, or get a taxi)?

What thread are some of you reading?

Eckhart · 09/02/2021 12:48

@Wannakisstheteacher

My point is OP doesn’t have any desire to help her husband. She isn’t the tiniest bit concerned about his welfare. So, irrespective, of any past tit for tat, no one should be married to someone they simply don’t care about any more

He's not the tiniest bit concerned about her welfare, either. Otherwise he wouldn't be pressuring to drive when she doesn't feel safe, for his own benefit, when he has other options. I agree that they shouldn't be married, but it's not simply because OP isn't offering an appropriate level of support to her husband; he is being very selfish and disrespectful in not allowing her to make her own decision here, according to his own preferences.

countrygirl99 · 09/02/2021 12:52

I'm still wondering what non urgent surgery can be brought forward 2 months purely for the patients convenience. I thought the NHS was under such huge pressure that a lot if pretty important stuff is being cancelled/postponed. That's certainly the experience of people I know.

Chanandlerbong01 · 09/02/2021 12:52

@SuperbGorgonzola
Sorry but I also think YABU. Driving on country roads in less than ideal conditions is par for the course in rural Britain. If you don't like driving, you shouldn't be out in the sticks.

Can you contact the emergency services in my area then please and let them know because they are telling us not to travel due to stretched services and then struggling. It’s a good job we have you to tell us how it is.

MaxNormal · 09/02/2021 12:53

@Stonerosie67 there has been huge snowfall over the country today. Rural, ungritted roads are likely impassible.
I wish more drivers would do as OP does and not drive in those conditions as the amount of idiots I see who insist on heading out and then skidding/crashing/getting stuck everywhere is a joke.

But I'm sure it gave you a little thrill to be unpleasant to someone in the safe anonymity of the internet.

Eckhart · 09/02/2021 12:53

@SuperbGorgonzola

Sorry but I also think YABU. Driving on country roads in less than ideal conditions is par for the course in rural Britain. If you don't like driving, you shouldn't be out in the sticks.
Driving on ice is not 'par for the course in rural Britain'. It happens a few weeks out of each year at most. OP isn't saying she won't drive in 'less than ideal conditions', so don't generalise. She's taking responsibility, as competent drivers do, that she's not comfortable driving in these conditions, ie, the ones we are being advised not to drive in.

OP has not said she doesn't like driving.

Your post would be better if it was based in the truth, rather than your own assumptions about what the truth is.

RevolutionRadio · 09/02/2021 12:54

In my post earlier I worked out it would be cheaper for me to drive hospital and get a hotel. The journey is approx 20 miles each way. Taxi total £44, Hotel total £29.

Have you enquired with taxi/hotel to see how much either would be?

bluegreygreen · 09/02/2021 12:54

OP hasn't clarified that it is NHS - which is why several people have assumed not

Wannakisstheteacher · 09/02/2021 12:54

I doubt he’s having an op under a GA for something to do mid week.

I’m not quite sure how having an operation makes you selfish in itself.

Either way, bloody Hell they need a divorce.

Cadent · 09/02/2021 12:55

I am not allowed into the hospital (due to covid regulations), and there are obviously no cafes open where I can sit and wait. And no toilets I can use either. Plus the temperatures are set to be below -3 even during the day, so I can't really sit in my car waiting for him for 8 hours in freezing temperatures, with no toilet... plus I would still have the same problem of driving home in snow.

I can't believe people are telling you to get a blanket and a thermos and wait in your car all day! Shock

MaxNormal · 09/02/2021 12:58

I can't believe people are telling you to get a blanket and a thermos and wait in your car all day!

For someone that shouts at her and expects to be chaffeured around but won't pay towards it.
She could just go the whole hog and get "doormat" tattood on her forehead I suppose.

callmeadoctor · 09/02/2021 13:02

Eckhart, the OP has said that she doesn't like driving "I'm a nervous driver anyway and would rather not drive at all" (A few posts in on the thread)

FrankskinnerscRoc · 09/02/2021 13:04

OP, they probably won’t allow him to leave after a GA unless someone collects him. Get a taxi.

Cadent · 09/02/2021 13:06

@MaxNormal

I can't believe people are telling you to get a blanket and a thermos and wait in your car all day!

For someone that shouts at her and expects to be chaffeured around but won't pay towards it.
She could just go the whole hog and get "doormat" tattood on her forehead I suppose.

It's like a competition here to see who would do the most for their husband!

'I would walk 500 miles through snow for my husband' being a prime example Grin

Eckhart · 09/02/2021 13:09

@callmeadoctor

Eckhart, the OP has said that she doesn't like driving "I'm a nervous driver anyway and would rather not drive at all" (A few posts in on the thread)
Right, so she shouldn't be (pressured into) picking up her husband from hospital in the snow then, should she?
Original poster
hurryupsummer2 · 09/02/2021 13:12

I am not a nervous driver all the time - I am fine when I am driving on routes I know, and I drive so I can get to work and get from a to b for convenience.

I am nervous when it comes to motorways or unfamiliar busy places, but it isn't a big issue as I just avoid them and I don't need to do it. If o needed to, I would take public transport or I plan ahead and prepare myself. Does that mean I shouldn't drive at all? Just because I like to stick to driving to places I know?

OP posts:
callmeadoctor · 09/02/2021 13:17

Op, Im not sure that this thread is really about this trip is it? Its about you and your DH s relationship, I guess................................ Sad

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