To say I can't pick him up?

[hurryupsummer2]

My husband has a day operation this week - something that could probably be easily moved but he won't.

He wants me to collect him from the hospital at 9pm, but I'm very worried because we have deep snow, and I am nervous about driving in it. I never drive in snow or Ice, and my car is definitely not built for it. I am having worries about accidents.

The hospital is 25 miles away, which includes country roads and roads that won't be gritted. I've suggested he gets a taxi but he shouted at me and told me no, I will collect him, because 'that's what wives do'. He will have had a general anaesthetic and he thinks I'm awful to not pick him up. The taxi would cost around £60-£70.

For background, I am the only driver and it is my car, which I pay for and insure etc on my own.

[quote rookiemere]@theleafandnotthetree no not wanting to drive in heavy snow is not remotely the same as living in rural Spain and not wanting to drive on back roads in the heat.

It is dangerous to drive in very wintry conditions on potentially ungritted roads in the dark. Snow in UK is a relatively rare event otherwise everyone would have snow tyres or chains.

[/quote]
But by the OPs own admission, not that rare an event where she lives. There are parts of the UK where (very) local conditions are such that snow and ice cause reasonably regular issues. Obviously I wasn't comparing driving in a hot country, I was using it as an an analogy. I do think you have to be certain type of person to live in what sounds a reasonably remote area with frequently poor driving conditions, the OP - and her husband - don't necessarily sound like those kind of people. I think you have to be hardy and flexible and not really the nervous type

@BlackeyedSusan

live in the inner city and the main road through here had a car facing the wrong way due to skidding on teh snow. fortunately a bloody biglorry was blocking the lane to prevent anyone ploughing into it, and helping stop traffic in other lane. that is with hardly any snow on the road.

There doesn't even have to be any snow on the road. Freezing conditions are enough, and worse, because you can't see ice. I saw someone try to move their car into their drive from the road. It was approximately a 10m journey, and they didn't go any faster than about 3mph. The car wheels encountered the ice at a certain angle, and the car started to move sideways. It went all the way down the road (a shallowish slope), sideways, increasing in speed, increasing spin, and hitting most of the parked cars on the way.

The driver was powerless. Anybody saying 'FFS OP, just drive carefully!' has never had a vehicle hit ice in this way, but as soon as they do (even for just a metre or two), they will rapidly change their tune. It can happen to anybody, regardless of skill.

But by the OPs own admission, not that rare an event where she lives

Well no, it is reasonably , but when it does snow it causes lots of issues and closures because the area is rural and hilly. Sometimes we have winters with no snow, sometimes we have a period like now and it causes lots of issues.

I think you may be catastrophising somewhat, which I can completely understand. But you don't know yet how bad the weather will be. Often forecasts are inaccurate. But it's unfair of everyone to pile on and say 'Just pick up your DH' and criticise you for what seems to be a reasonable concern. Where I live, people have had to abandon their cars and find other ways of getting home because they got stuck on country roads when conditions suddenly worsened.

To turn it towards your DH, if he gave a stuff about your safety, he would say that you should wait and see how bad the weather is rather than expecting you to drive in potentially dangerous conditions when alternative arrangements could be made.

@midnightstar66

He could have met her in a taxi, got public transport with her, booked a local hotel to stay In with her until she was well enough to drive home, paid a friend to take him to her, taken driving lessons to prepare for his wife needing lifts under certain circumstances.... all things the OP is just expected to do, but when the shoe was on the other foot she had to sort herself out with no help from him.

He could have done but in this instance the friend was likely by far the cheapest and easiest option. I don't think expecting someone who you knew couldn't drive when you entered a relationship with them, to learn just in case you need a hospital admission is realistic. Yes in this case if the guy is as much of a prick as it's coming across then she should absolutely not pick him up and seriously consider ending the relationship however if I thought someone was worthy and loved someone enough to stay in a long term relationship with them I'd not leave them stranded at night in a hospital.

If it was my own husband I would too, but my husband isn't a prick. I think in context of his other behaviour and his refusal to contribute towards the car he makes use of, not helping the op in a similar situation and the fact he could move the elective surgery to suit him but not his wife and then shouting at her because she's uncomfortable driving in dangerous conditions make it a completely different scenario. He isn't worried about his wife's cost of running a car, so he can't very well be cross at having to pay for a taxi.

My point about him learning to drive was aimed towards posters advising the op to take lessons in driving in the snow, to buy snow chains and a whole new car just so she could lift him which is just as ridiculous.

YANBU!

My DH knows I hate driving in the snow, I do it when I have to, I work 20 miles from home, so there have been times when I’ve had to drive in conditions which have been awful. Usually at peak times though it’s not been quite as bad as 9pm in the evening on rural routes, which are often closed, or police advise not to travel.

With all this in mind, DH would absolutely get a taxi if I felt as nervous as you are, there wouldn’t be an issue. He certainly wouldn’t shout at me and make me feel like shit.

I’m sure, without the adverse weather conditions you would have no issue collecting him but he must be able to understand why you’re feeling so nervous.

And it’s a bit rich shouting at someone for not wanting to drive in the snow, when you can’t drive yourself!

I'm totally with you OP. Snowy dark rural roads scare me. I don't even like them without snow and I love driving. And I grew up in a country with lots of snow but where everyone changes to winter tyres in autumn. Most cars here aren't really fit for driving in snow.

And the shouting alone would make me tell him to walk.

If you don't feel comfortable driving then you don't. He has the same choice as you had when you had procedures. Take public transport or see if a friend will collect him.
Just because you drive doesn't make you obliged to drive him. The fact that he shows such little concern for your well being by demanding you drive in dangerous conditions shows what an asshole he is.

Oh dear OP after that barrage of critics I doubt you will get in your car again!

For what it’s worth I think any sensible person in your shoes would get a taxi there and back, In the light of how you are feeling about the drive. It would be very risky in a car not up to the job, being driven by someone who is inexperienced in snow. I have been driving for 20 years, and hate driving in snow. I know I am probably a danger to others, so don’t drive in such conditions. Do take care of yourself and follow your instincts to do what is right and safe for both you and your husband.

@SpookyCookyMammaBear

IF YOU CANT DRIVE SAFELY IN ANY CONDITION YOUR CAR CAN HANDLE THEN YOU SHOULD NOT BE DRIVING FULL STOP!

IF YOU DRIVE (WHEN YOU DO NOT HAVE TO) AFTER BEING ADVISED NOT TO DUE TO ADVERSE WEATHER CONDITIONS, YOU SHOULD HAVE YOUR HEAD TESTED!

I'm wondering if driving when the government say not to due to adverse conditions mess up your insurance?

Let him get a taxi. His getting the operation on the nhs I presume so 70 quid isn't bad really ! I hate driving in the ice too especially in the dark. Tabby

YABU and selfish. You can’t just have an operation moved because your wife is too scared to drive

If you’re a nervous driver anyway you shouldn’t be driving at all; nervous drivers aren’t safe drivers.

You go swim with the sharks darling, what me too, you know I can’t swim!

[quote Chanandlerbong01]@SpookyCookyMammaBear
IF YOU CANT DRIVE SAFELY IN ANY CONDITION YOUR CAR CAN HANDLE THEN YOU SHOULD NOT BE DRIVING FULL STOP!

If you can’t figure out how to turn capitals off then you shouldn’t be typing.
The local police have tweeted they are struggling today and please do not drive in the snow where possible. Does that mean none of us around here should drive again? Why should OP go against that?

Fucking ridiculous![/quote]
That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever read on Mumsnet so well done spooky mumma cocky loopy whoever you are you can't be serious !

I have just walked a mile to the shop / post office.

They told me There have been no post vans in or out for the second day running.

Despite it being a rural area where people have land rovers etc there are no vehicles out in the roads between the villages.

It seems people are looking at the impacted ice / deep snow / remaining drifts, and taking notice of the string advice to not drive!!

Yanbu. Driving in those conditions isn't safe. He's a dick for shouting at you, particularly when he wouldn't pick you up roles reversed. But I suspect he's not pleasant much of the time.

@emilyfrost I disagree!

Some of the most arrogant, selfish drivers, can also be the most dangerous!

@hurryupsummer2

Join him later in the day and book a hotel?

He doesn't want to take a taxi due to the cost, so I doubt a hotel and me travelling there via public transport too is going to be any cheaper

Well that’s unfortunate. Tough luck. He should have thought about the implications of booking his surgery in the winter in the middle of a pandemic and those of refusing to assist you with your car purchase and running costs.

@emilyfrost

YABU and selfish. You can’t just have an operation moved because your wife is too scared to drive

If you’re a nervous driver anyway you shouldn’t be driving at all; nervous drivers aren’t safe drivers.

She appars to only be nervous in snow, which is why she is taking the responsible decision not to drive. Did you read even the OP's posts?

@emilyfrost

YABU and selfish. You can’t just have an operation moved because your wife is too scared to drive

If you’re a nervous driver anyway you shouldn’t be driving at all; nervous drivers aren’t safe drivers.

Okay, so OP shouldn't be driving at all then. Is she still selfish or not?

And the thick comments keep pouring in.

If you're nervous about driving for fifty miles in ice/snow and dark in an unsuitable car, you shouldn't drive at all?

Fucking hell. Are people trolling here? Is this lockdown madness? Why are people putting pressure on the poor op to doing something dangerous?

If you’re a nervous driver anyway you shouldn’t be driving at all; nervous drivers aren’t safe drivers.

Oh well, @emilyfrost, that settles it. The OP is a nervous driver, therefore, according to you, she isn't a safe driver, so she shouldn't be driving at all - so she obviously can't pick up her husband then. Problem solved.

You are happy for the man you married to go home on his own, after a GA and almost certainly in pain. That is the actual problem.

You mean like he did to her after she'd had an op?

I can understand your nervousness. Driving in snow in a car that is poor in snow is scary. But why not do something about it? Get yourself some winter tyres - they make a huge difference to my car, change it from hopeless in snow to quite capable, or hire a 4x4.

I’d not want my husband struggling out of hospital with his bag after an operation.

Alternatively get a taxi there to collect him and bring him back. I’m sure if conditions were truly terrible and he was unlikely to get home safely the hospital would keep him in, even in Covid times.