To say I can't pick him up?

[hurryupsummer2]

My husband has a day operation this week - something that could probably be easily moved but he won't.

He wants me to collect him from the hospital at 9pm, but I'm very worried because we have deep snow, and I am nervous about driving in it. I never drive in snow or Ice, and my car is definitely not built for it. I am having worries about accidents.

The hospital is 25 miles away, which includes country roads and roads that won't be gritted. I've suggested he gets a taxi but he shouted at me and told me no, I will collect him, because 'that's what wives do'. He will have had a general anaesthetic and he thinks I'm awful to not pick him up. The taxi would cost around £60-£70.

For background, I am the only driver and it is my car, which I pay for and insure etc on my own.

Where do you live that your hospital cost £70 in a taxi? OP

I'm sure someone else has asked this why on earth is someone with your attitude to driving and roads living so rurally? It's the equivalent of someone who doesn't like the heat moving to Southern Spain and then not wanting to go outside. Also, just get on with it woman, if you're going to stay living there you need to (literally!) get a grip

So for the very few days it might snow you should choose not to live rurally. Hmmm. People's decision to live somewhere rural are a bit more complex than that. Didn't you not see that the DH doesn't drive? He can't return the favour, as much as the OP might shout and guilt trip at him like he has done. Are you going to tell him to get a grip too?

If she is that scared and the car can't cope in snowy conditions, I would have thought driving is the worst possible thing to do. Its safer for both of them if an alternative is possible.

If it's a private hospital discharging at 9pm then it seems unlikely that someone else is using the bed that night. They may have someone coming in early in the morning though.

Unless I've missed a post from the OP the fact it's a private hospital has been made up by a pp to back up their argument.

Another occasion she had to pay a friend to collect her, as again he didn't come to meet her.

Whilst he sounds like a prick, he doesn't drive so collecting her wasn't an option

@Same4Walls

Another occasion she had to pay a friend to collect her, as again he didn't come to meet her.

Then that might also be an option for him. Nevertheless what ever the solution putting him in a taxi by himself isn't an option as someone physically needs to collect him.

I agree. But it's on the DH to sort that out, not the OP.

@midnightstar66

If it's a private hospital discharging at 9pm then it seems unlikely that someone else is using the bed that night. They may have someone coming in early in the morning though.

Unless I've missed a post from the OP the fact it's a private hospital has been made up by a pp to back up their argument.

Another occasion she had to pay a friend to collect her, as again he didn't come to meet her.

Whilst he sounds like a prick, he doesn't drive so collecting her wasn't an option

He could have met her in a taxi, got public transport with her, booked a local hotel to stay In with her until she was well enough to drive home, paid a friend to take him to her, taken driving lessons to prepare for his wife needing lifts under certain circumstances.... all things the OP is just expected to do, but when the shoe was on the other foot she had to sort herself out with no help from him.

I am seriously angry at posters trying to guilt you into picking him up at the risk of your life in this weather. Absolutely outrageous.

I take it you two aren't really a partnership. The snow will probably stop after today. We are in the UK not Antarctica. My dh would picke me up because he would have to. We have 4 kids we are a team and you are in these things together. It isn't one person's problem to deal with. But looks like families aren't really units any more and it's survival of the fittest!

@midnightstar66
How do you get to work and the shops?

I typed wrong, I do drive! I meant to put we don’t drive a 4x4 but we do have a car each.

He could have met her in a taxi, got public transport with her, booked a local hotel to stay In with her until she was well enough to drive home, paid a friend to take him to her, taken driving lessons to prepare for his wife needing lifts under certain circumstances.... all things the OP is just expected to do, but when the shoe was on the other foot she had to sort herself out with no help from him.

He could have done but in this instance the friend was likely by far the cheapest and easiest option. I don't think expecting someone who you knew couldn't drive when you entered a relationship with them, to learn just in case you need a hospital admission is realistic. Yes in this case if the guy is as much of a prick as it's coming across then she should absolutely not pick him up and seriously consider ending the relationship however if I thought someone was worthy and loved someone enough to stay in a long term relationship with them I'd not leave them stranded at night in a hospital.

Quite normal for an nhs day surgery unit to discharge at 9pm. The one I used a lot had 2 surgery shifts morning and afternoon. So if you are booked in afternoon slot you may only go down to theatre at 5pm then be discharged at night. The day units don’t have beds and staff overnight. If you are too unwell to be discharged you would need a bed finding on a ward.

@Wannakisstheteacher

Personally I would collect my husband after a GA. I’ve had two - and both times I’ve felt awful afterwards. But I can also drive in snow.

I think the real issue is that you’ve come to the end of the line here. You need to really think about how his operation is an inconvenience to you. How you aren’t concerned about him getting back after a GA. How there is no desire for you to actually try driving in snow. You are happy for the man you married to go home on his own, after a GA and almost certainly in pain. That is the actual problem.

Isn’t the problem that he wants all the benefits of having a car and driver available but isn’t willing to pay any of the costs because then all of a sudden it’s HER car then and he doesn’t drive so he doesn’t have to pay? If it’s her car, she gets to decide.

In my opinion it would be fine for her not to drive in bad weather even if he did share the costs, but since he’s unwilling to contribute it’s madness to risk your own car and health so he can save a few pounds. I really hope the OP doesn’t let herself get bullied into driving him.

I think your best option OP is to take a taxi to go and collect your DH.
You've explained why you are uncomfortable driving - and although lots of posters disagree and and are telling you "to just get on with it" it's you who is uncomfortable with the driving and not them.
It's clearly not realistic to expect your DH to get a train home after a GA and it's already been discussed he's unlikley to be able to go home in a taxi by himself. Therefore you need to accept the cost of a taxi there and back. One of the downsides of living rurally but there is a solution that, to me seems obvious.

Isn’t the problem that he wants all the benefits of having a car and driver available but isn’t willing to pay any of the costs because then all of a sudden it’s HER car then and he doesn’t drive so he doesn’t have to pay? If it’s her car, she gets to decide.

This would be a problem to me but I would not have married a man with this attitude. Presumably it was acceptable to the OP so you can't expect people to change.

I am seriously angry at posters trying to guilt you into picking him up at the risk of your life in this weather. Absolutely outrageous.

I know! I can't imagine what's going through their heads. It IS horrible to read, really.

There's too many "Yes, buts" going on. Op doesn't go: yes, but that's too expensive. Op does go: yes, but she doesn't want to.

Pick an option and own the decision. No one can make you do something, as an adult, you choose what you do.

I would use the opportunity that you have a few days before surgery to go and drive in the snow.

The reality is that all of us have started where you are. Where you are not confident at all in the snow. But you learn. - so, it's easy, right? just go and 'learn' how to drive in snow and ice?

I've been driving 40 years, and I don't like to drive in snow and ice - and it is actually advised against. As in - DON'T DO IT!

And it's not only the op on the roads, there will be all sorts of idiots (as evidenced on this thread) who think that it's nothing, it's easy, just do it - all out on the roads and all struggling to keep control of a car that is driving on ice!

And the pp who suggest driving carefully and slowly - at 5mph, 25 miles will take 5 hours. Even at 10mph, 2.5 hours. And back from 9pm onward, even slower as it'll be even later, and even icier, they'll be back at about midnight or later.

You really think any one of you will do that, for a man who shouts at you and demands you use your car, your petrol, your time and your money to collect him even though he won't do the same for you?

If you haven’t got anyone to collect you it’s a different booking entirely and you may have to wait longer for surgery as you need a bed. Not everyone is suitable for day case surgery sometimes for health reasons eg high bmi sometimes for social reasons eg no adult to collect.
They will definitely not discharge unless you have an adult there to collect.
Even if it’s minor surgery you are still having general anaesthetic and feel out of sorts after. Has he got a friend who can go? If not taxi round trip to collect him if you don’t feel safe driving.

IF YOU CANT DRIVE SAFELY IN ANY CONDITION YOUR CAR CAN HANDLE THEN YOU SHOULD NOT BE DRIVING FULL STOP!

I’m with you OP. I hate driving in the snow and ice. I think you’ve had some harsh responses here.
How useful is it going to be if you skid on the ice and injure your post-op husband in an accident ? And the ambulance struggles to reach you in a country lane ?

live in the inner city and the main road through here had a car facing the wrong way due to skidding on teh snow. fortunately a bloody biglorry was blocking the lane to prevent anyone ploughing into it, and helping stop traffic in other lane. that is with hardly any snow on the road.

@midnightstar66

Isn’t the problem that he wants all the benefits of having a car and driver available but isn’t willing to pay any of the costs because then all of a sudden it’s HER car then and he doesn’t drive so he doesn’t have to pay? If it’s her car, she gets to decide.

This would be a problem to me but I would not have married a man with this attitude. Presumably it was acceptable to the OP so you can't expect people to change.

Can’t you expect that, really? Don’t know about that, but you sure can change yourself and keep yourself and your car safe. He wouldn’t get in my car without paying taxi rates anyway. If he doesn’t want to pay for a family car, he doesn’t get to use it as a family car. The end.

@SpookyCookyMammaBear
IF YOU CANT DRIVE SAFELY IN ANY CONDITION YOUR CAR CAN HANDLE THEN YOU SHOULD NOT BE DRIVING FULL STOP!

If you can’t figure out how to turn capitals off then you shouldn’t be typing.
The local police have tweeted they are struggling today and please do not drive in the snow where possible. Does that mean none of us around here should drive again? Why should OP go against that?

Fucking ridiculous!

I am seriously angry at posters trying to guilt you into picking him up at the risk of your life in this weather. Absolutely outrageous.

I agree. Bunch of bullies. I'd like to see you all driving 50 miles on rural lanes in sub-zero weather when you're not used to driving in the snow and ice! And so many people in the UK aren't used to it, because we get it so rarely.

OP, I would not pick him up, for all the reasons you give and have been given above.

I'd also be seriously considering my marriage and whether I wanted to stay in it. Your h has shouted at you and demanded you pick him up because it's 'the wifely thing to do', yet when you were in hospital he didn't do the same for you? He also doesn't pay towards your car yet expects to benefiit from it. He's not coming across very well here, and I hope you're OK.

Indeed @Chanandlerbong01, but shouty capitals makes someone's mad opinions totally valid .