Page 28 | To say I can't pick him up?

hurryupsummer2 · 2021-02-08T13:21:25+00:00

My husband has a day operation this week - something that could probably be easily moved but he won't. He wants me to collect him from the hospital at 9pm, but I'm very worried because we have deep snow, and I am nervous about driving in it. I never drive in snow or Ice, and my car is definitely not built for it. I am having worries about accidents. The hospital is 25 miles away, which includes country roads and roads that won't be gritted. I've suggested he gets a taxi but he shouted at me and told me no, I will collect him, because 'that's what wives do'. He will have had a general anaesthetic and he thinks I'm awful to not pick him up. The taxi would cost around £60-£70. For background, I am the only driver and it is my car, which I pay for and insure etc on my own.

Eckhart · 09/02/2021 09:53

[quote ParadiseIsland]@Eckhart, the advice is clearly to reduce the number if people on the road and avoid accidents etc.. this doesn’t mean that it’s impossible to drive at all. Or that no one should take their cars at all either.
It’s, just like covid really, about reducing trips to what is essential.

It has NEVER been about telling people who need to go to hospital or are coming back after surgery to not use their car at all. And somehow get there and back, I don’t know... on a broom maybe.[/quote]
Yes, I know. I never said otherwise. He doesn't need to go to hospital, he's choosing to. His wife is not his only option; he could take a taxi.

He's choosing the one option that makes his wife very very uncomfortable, and insisting on either this discomfort for her, or the discomfort of him giving her the feeling of guilt.

Any driver is within their rights to decide in which conditions and situations they feel safe and comfortable driving. No non-driver has the right to tell them they are wrong to do this. Part of knowing how to drive is knowing how to be responsible in deciding when not to. It's not up to anybody but the driver.

KriekAndWaffle · 09/02/2021 09:54

@Same4Walls

Well, there are no other ways OP. I think that posters have come up with every available solution.

Indeed. The simple fact remains he will need someone to collect him no matter what transport or plan you make. This will need to be either the OP or someone else but he cannot leave alone so someone will need to go.

The “D” H presumably as a grown man can arrange that himself. It’s not the OP’s problem.

NoOpinionNoProblem · 09/02/2021 09:54

People are being harsh here and forget people have phobias of driving and bad experiences that make people worry. When RTAs probably kill more people in the world than snakes, it's somehow ok to be more fearful of snakes than driving. Yes, driving is a life skill, but it can be a dangerous one. Nothing odd about worrying about driving in snow.

Just get a taxi or pay someone you know who is happy to pick him up on your behalf. It is probably safer for him to be in a car with an experienced driver who is comfortable driving in those sorts of conditions, than someone who is terrified (and is likely to get shouted at, which will make them more nervous). We don't get much snow where I am, so if it was me in this situation unexpectedly, someone telling me to pull my socks up and that I should have practised driving in all weather conditions really is a bonkers idea (shall I just drive my car on the local ice rink? )

I would be prepared for him to be kept in or the op to be cancelled if it is really going to be that bad. Mind you, it has been forecast snow where I am all week and barely half a centimeter has fallen here, so don't worry or argue over it until nearer the time.

VinylDetective · 09/02/2021 09:57

This is a private hospital, non urgent, non time sensitive procedure. That he has already re-arranged for his own convenience

You just made that up. OP hasn’t mentioned a private hospital. Not that it’s relevant anyway. You can’t leave unaccompanied after a general anaesthetic, nor can you travel alone on public transport and that includes a taxi.

midnightstar66 · 09/02/2021 09:58

The “D” H presumably as a grown man can arrange that himself. It’s not the OP’s problem

I'm glad you're not my partner.

Lostinthemail · 09/02/2021 10:00

@hurryupsummer2

Why on earth do you not have a joint bank account. I don’t understand this “my car” “my insurance”. You are married. You are a family unit.

Because he doesn't want to pay towards the car. It's not me being possessive over it. He doesn't think he should pay as he doesn't drive it.

So if an accident happens the costs will be for you, he won’t be paying a penny towards it. There’s no way I’d pick him up if I were you.

Same4Walls · 09/02/2021 10:00

The “D” H presumably as a grown man can arrange that himself. It’s not the OP’s problem.

Well of course he should be sorting it out but if there was anyone else to collect him this would have been sorted already. Therefore the most obvious outcome is that he doesn't appear to have anyone else to collect him. The OP hasn't said if they have family or friends who would be able to help but I'm guessing they don't or it would have been an option they had explored already.

thebestnamehere · 09/02/2021 10:01

@SeasonFinale

I wouldn't have thought a 25 mile trip would cost £70 though. Why not call a couple of taxi firms and ask for quotes. I would expect it to be half that.

But not in the snow and ice maybe?

Bumblebee1980a · 09/02/2021 10:02

I would pick him up. He's had an op.

Just take extra care and drive 5mph down the country roads if you have too (leave much much earlier). We moved to the country and I'm not use to driving in these conditions but I do because I have to.

If you'd have an operation with a general anaesthetic would you want to get a taxi?

KriekAndWaffle · 09/02/2021 10:03

@midnightstar66

The “D” H presumably as a grown man can arrange that himself. It’s not the OP’s problem

I'm glad you're not my partner.

I would do it for my partner because he’s kind and decent and doesn’t abuse, shout, take the piss, or expect me to do “wifely” things even where they make me feel unsafe. However I would not do it for a complete arse like the OP’s partner. Or have you missed all of the OH’s posts on what a dickhead this man is?

theleafandnotthetree · 09/02/2021 10:03

@hurryupsummer2

It isn't an urgent operation, and yes it could be moved (can't say what it is as its outing, but it's something not many people would have as it's related to a condition). It isn't time critical and it was going to happen in April, but he wanted it earlier because it's quieter at work in February. But that's all besides the point. I'm very worried about having an accident, we live rurally and the route includes country roads and hills that are often shut due to snow. I'm a nervous driver anyway and would rather not drive at all

I'm sure someone else has asked this why on earth is someone with your attitude to driving and roads living so rurally? It's the equivalent of someone who doesn't like the heat moving to Southern Spain and then not wanting to go outside. Also, just get on with it woman, if you're going to stay living there you need to (literally!) get a grip

KTheGrey · 09/02/2021 10:04

Have you called the hospital and explained you can't pick him up? They must be aware that it's going to be difficult, living in the same snowy place and all. And have you said the magic words "No I am not collecting you in the snow from the hospital" to your husband? After that he may wish to reconsider whether he will postpone. But getting himself home from the operation he is determined to time for himself will be his responsibility, and yours is to make that blindingly clear.

PADH · 09/02/2021 10:05

@Same4Walls

Well, there are no other ways OP. I think that posters have come up with every available solution.

Indeed. The simple fact remains he will need someone to collect him no matter what transport or plan you make. This will need to be either the OP or someone else but he cannot leave alone so someone will need to go.

Oh you mean like the time OP was in the hospital having an operation and he came to meet her? Oh not wait, he made her get a taxi home on her own.

KriekAndWaffle · 09/02/2021 10:05

@Same4Walls

The “D” H presumably as a grown man can arrange that himself. It’s not the OP’s problem.

Well of course he should be sorting it out but if there was anyone else to collect him this would have been sorted already. Therefore the most obvious outcome is that he doesn't appear to have anyone else to collect him. The OP hasn't said if they have family or friends who would be able to help but I'm guessing they don't or it would have been an option they had explored already.

He’ll need to stay in hospital then til he’s safe to leave. Presumably there are other people out there in this same kind of position who just don’t have anyone to assist them.

rookiemere · 09/02/2021 10:10

@theleafandnotthetree no not wanting to drive in heavy snow is not remotely the same as living in rural Spain and not wanting to drive on back roads in the heat.

It is dangerous to drive in very wintry conditions on potentially ungritted roads in the dark. Snow in UK is a relatively rare event otherwise everyone would have snow tyres or chains.

Same4Walls · 09/02/2021 10:11

Oh you mean like the time OP was in the hospital having an operation and he came to meet her? Oh not wait, he made her get a taxi home on her own.

Whilst not great it's not the same as she obviously didn't have a GA. As then she would have needed someone to collect her. It's the GA that mean he cannot just go in a taxi by himself.

midnightstar66 · 09/02/2021 10:11

He’ll need to stay in hospital then til he’s safe to leave. Presumably there are other people out there in this same kind of position who just don’t have anyone to assist them.

Presumably if roads are closed then this will be an option. I can't imagine them allowing an over night hospital bed to be taken up just because someone doesn't want to though.

PADH · 09/02/2021 10:12

@Same4Walls

Oh you mean like the time OP was in the hospital having an operation and he came to meet her? Oh not wait, he made her get a taxi home on her own.

Whilst not great it's not the same as she obviously didn't have a GA. As then she would have needed someone to collect her. It's the GA that mean he cannot just go in a taxi by himself.

Another occasion she had to pay a friend to collect her, as again he didn't come to meet her.

midnightstar66 · 09/02/2021 10:13

I would do it for my partner because he’s kind and decent and doesn’t abuse, shout, take the piss, or expect me to do “wifely” things even where they make me feel unsafe. However I would not do it for a complete arse like the OP’s partner. Or have you missed all of the OH’s posts on what a dickhead this man is?

This is something that needs addresses separately. I am no longer with the man that thought it ok to treat me like this.

KriekAndWaffle · 09/02/2021 10:15

@midnightstar66

He’ll need to stay in hospital then til he’s safe to leave. Presumably there are other people out there in this same kind of position who just don’t have anyone to assist them.

Presumably if roads are closed then this will be an option. I can't imagine them allowing an over night hospital bed to be taken up just because someone doesn't want to though.

What will they do then? Chuck him out in the street? He’s not got anyone to collect him and bring him home.

rookiemere · 09/02/2021 10:18

If it's a private hospital discharging at 9pm then it seems unlikely that someone else is using the bed that night. They may have someone coming in early in the morning though.

rookiemere · 09/02/2021 10:20

OPs DH does seem like a selfish idiot, but even if he was the world's kindest nicest man, OP is right to call out that driving 50 miles on snowy back roads at night is not a sensible idea.

Same4Walls · 09/02/2021 10:20

Another occasion she had to pay a friend to collect her, as again he didn't come to meet her.

Then that might also be an option for him. Nevertheless what ever the solution putting him in a taxi by himself isn't an option as someone physically needs to collect him.

Wannakisstheteacher · 09/02/2021 10:25

Personally I would collect my husband after a GA. I’ve had two - and both times I’ve felt awful afterwards. But I can also drive in snow.

I think the real issue is that you’ve come to the end of the line here. You need to really think about how his operation is an inconvenience to you. How you aren’t concerned about him getting back after a GA. How there is no desire for you to actually try driving in snow. You are happy for the man you married to go home on his own, after a GA and almost certainly in pain. That is the actual problem.

KriekAndWaffle · 09/02/2021 10:26

@midnightstar66

I would do it for my partner because he’s kind and decent and doesn’t abuse, shout, take the piss, or expect me to do “wifely” things even where they make me feel unsafe. However I would not do it for a complete arse like the OP’s partner. Or have you missed all of the OH’s posts on what a dickhead this man is?

This is something that needs addresses separately. I am no longer with the man that thought it ok to treat me like this.

It does need to be addressed separately but it’s also a problem at the moment. Glad you are no longer with your awful partner :)