To say I can't pick him up?

[hurryupsummer2]

My husband has a day operation this week - something that could probably be easily moved but he won't.

He wants me to collect him from the hospital at 9pm, but I'm very worried because we have deep snow, and I am nervous about driving in it. I never drive in snow or Ice, and my car is definitely not built for it. I am having worries about accidents.

The hospital is 25 miles away, which includes country roads and roads that won't be gritted. I've suggested he gets a taxi but he shouted at me and told me no, I will collect him, because 'that's what wives do'. He will have had a general anaesthetic and he thinks I'm awful to not pick him up. The taxi would cost around £60-£70.

For background, I am the only driver and it is my car, which I pay for and insure etc on my own.

Could you go with him on public transport and come back with him on public transport?

Some mad responses on here!

I have a 4x4 and have taken training on how to drive it in difficult conditions but I still would be really nervous of driving 25 miles, at night, in heavy snow with a sick person! I wouldn’t do it and neither would my husband expect me too!

My partner used to live in the alps and is confident driving in snow, it made up part of his job when he was over there. We live rurally too, he just abandoned his car within 10 minutes and walked home saying it’s not worth it. The weather warnings are saying not to drive, people getting stuck/having accidents adds unnecessary pressure on emergency services.

We have single track roads round here with edges that if you slid down you would be out of site. Due to the conditions locals aren’t going out because we all prepare for it, if someone had an accident at 9pm at night it would more than likely be 12 hours minimum before someone else passed, it’s 8:15 now and when my partner went out he was the first tracks on the main road and still nobody else has driven down.

Outside of the pandemic you ought to arrange some driving lessons in the snow to build up your confidence especially if you live somewhere where it snows regularly.

Apart from that I have total sympathy with you. I live in the north Pennines and some sections of the main roads are often closed due to snow from around 4pm. There are side roads that are impassable all day even in 4x4s due to drifts etc.

2 options occur to me.

1. Arrange with a friend who has a 4x4 that you will park your car somewhere on the main road, then they drive you to and from the car so you don't have to worry about the side roads.

1. Speak to the hospital (it sounds like your husband won't). They won't want a patient potentially stuck in the snow on the way home. He'll either stay overnight or they'll rearrange.

If you’re going to live in a rural area might I suggest you get a car that’s suitable for bad road conditions. There’s a reason why lots of people drive Landrovers, etc.

I don’t understand people who have a car but only use it to suit themselves

@Divebar2021
@hulahooper2

Well maybe op could have a car, which also suits her husband and is suitable more for rural winter driving if her not so dh was prepared to contribute to the purchase, upkeep and running costs of said expensive tank. And if he bought her snow chains and put them on the car. As is he’s a tight arse, who expects his wife to put her life at risk and potentially rescue services if they get stuck along 10 miles of rural road... or if not walk for miles and in a situation, where the Met office is telling her not to drive.

As for the comment from hulahooper just to leave early and be careful, bloody clueless. I’ve lived in a country with the sort of snow op is facing. We had to use snow tyres by law otherwise the roads were impassible. What you and everyone else advocating this approach is awful. You are all talking absolute bollocks and trying to bully a woman to put her life at risk. You should be ashamed.

Some weird replies here. I know loads of people who won't drive in the snow. It IS dangerous and can be very frightening. I wouldn't do it either.

The attitudes on hear certainly explain why idiots persist on going out and crashing their cars in snowy and icy conditions. Its like they don't believe somehow that freezing icy slippy stuff might make things tricky.

If the snow is very bad, the surgery may be cancelled if staff can’t get in.

@hurryupsummer2 I wouldn’t do this either. Not sure if your insurance company would be chuffed at you driving if weather warnings are in place. Is this an operation in a private hospital by chance? You mentioned it should be April but he prefers February in which case it will be much simpler to reschedule than in NHS. Reading between the lines it sounds like he is used to having his way.
Is he a good supportive partner in other ways or does he feel he’s the superior one in your relationship?

The attitudes on hear certainly explain why idiots persist on going out and crashing their cars in snowy and icy conditions. Its like they don't believe somehow that freezing icy slippy stuff might make things tricky.

I'm incredulous and agog at some of the shit written here.
"Car won't make a difference" - of course it bloody does.
"It'll be good practise for you." - You what?

Either this site is suddenly full of ice-cold truckers for whom 50 mile round trips in treacherous conditions is their living, or its suddenly full of naïve idiots - the type who are stuck on the roads near me right now.

I think its the second lot.

I still can't get over the insults on the first page. Unbelievable.

If you’re going to live in a rural area might I suggest you get a car that’s suitable for bad road conditions. There’s a reason why lots of people drive Landrovers etc.

meh. Seems to me that if the OP's husband wants to be sure she can pick him up maybe he can help fund this 4x4? He won't pay towards it but he wants the use of it? Shouts at OP?

The situation is clearly shit for both of them, re the pick up but seemingly there is also backstory too.

How about: the OP's husband pays for a hotel, OP goes over in daylight on public transport and checks in, then goes in a taxi to collect her husband in the evening and they both go home by public transport the next day?

Of course it's not always easy to get to the bus stop but there it is.

DH had a knee op - we got in despite snow (he's an experienced driver) and the op was cancelled, but they did manage to fit him in next day (and gave us a room to stay overnight). Worst bit was getting DH from car to foot through heavy snow...

If he doesn't wabt to pay towards the car because he doesn't drive then he doesnt get to use the convenience of the car.

[quote tenlittlecygnets]**@MatildaTheCat* - two people I know have recently had day surgery and both were very sick afterwards which I believe is due to anaesthesia being used due to COVID.*

What on Earth do you mean? That patients are being given anaesthetic due to Covid? Or they are being given a different anaesthetic??

Nausea and vomiting are very common after-effects of a GA, Covid or no Covid 🙄 are you sure your friend is actually a nurse??[/quote]
Due to the number of Covid patients being ventilated, there is a shortage nationally of propofol. So now more anaesthetics are being given with volatile agents like sevoflurane rather than propofol. You're more likely to feel sick afterwards with the latter. PP was right.

@hurryupsummer2

Thanks for the replies.

I don't understand why it's so important about how he is getting there - that isn't what I asked, I'm asking about the problem in the evening. But he is planning on getting there via public transport.

The procedure is later this week, but the snow has got much worse - and our local police has advised not to travel. To be honest I don't think my car would even be able to get down the road at the moment, with the state of it. About 10 miles of the journey would be rural roads, and the forecast is set to be -5 in the evening in question. I assume people who say I am 'wet' can not imagine what snow is like in rural areas.

It's a difficult one because it actually sounds like it's not safe to drive but at the same time I would definitely support my husband. I think if necessary I would take the day off and take him in the morning and wait around all day and bring him back. At least you'd have company on both journeys. It's sensible to be wary about driving in dangerous conditions but equally it's a medical procedure that he needs, not him asking you to pick up him after a day at the rugby!

@hurryupsummer2

When you've been in hospital getting anything similar done, has your DH come on public transport to pick you up?

No

No, I didn't bloody well think so! It's funny how people who ask you to do unreasonable stuff almost never reciprocate. I'm sure he would have many excuses reasons why it was different that time (the main reason it's different = this time it's him.) Stay strong!

Trust your instincts, OP. It’s crazy to drive in unsafe conditions. Please don’t be talked into doing it. Book a taxi. Your lives are worth more than £60.

@DinosaurDiana

And you still haven’t answered the question - who is taking him there in the morning ?

She has.

^^ that’s interesting. I was violently sick several times after major surgery a few months ago. 3 different types of antiemetics given as closely together as possible didn’t stop the nausea and vomiting. I had asked for an anaesthesia, which is ok for asthmatics as I had breathing difficulties and needed to be oxygenated for 48 hours after my last surgery. I was told the anaesthesia would definitely not land me on oxygen and having looked up propanol, it isn’t suitable for asthmatics.

@Divebar2021

If you’re going to live in a rural area might I suggest you get a car that’s suitable for bad road conditions. There’s a reason why lots of people drive Landrovers etc.

Lots of people have no clue how to drive a 4x4.

I live in a rural area, and have an amber warning for snow today, woken up to a considerable snow fall this morning. My main route home from work is currently closed as it's been blocked by an hvg who cannot move. 4x4 isn't going to help with that.

Not going to waste money getting a car in case it snows. Even if I had a 4x4 I wouldn't be choosing to drive today. We get maybe a few weeks of bad weather in a year.

What about joining your DH later (using public transport), stay in a hotel overnight (I'm assuming some hotels are still open). Then travel back the next day together on public transport. That would be a nice gesture? Im assuming that you still care about and love each other?

Strange that you live so rural, when your DH doesn't drive and you are a nervous driver? (maybe you are both farmers I guess, but then you probably would have a 4x4) Is it worth considering moving as you both get older?

Do we even know that public transport exists between OPs house and the hospital? If it's rural then likely no direct or frequent connection.
OP has said when she had to come home from hospital before she has got a friend to pick her up or taken a taxi suggesting that public transport not an option.

I wouldn’t drive at night in deep snow unless it was an emergency which this isn’t. No matter how good a driver I was.
Your DH is being very selfish.

Taking him in the morning and waiting around to pick him up (which will be around 8 hours), may have been possible in normal times, but not during covid and not during snow.

I am not allowed into the hospital (due to covid regulations), and there are obviously no cafes open where I can sit and wait. And no toilets I can use either. Plus the temperatures are set to be below -3 even during the day, so I can't really sit in my car waiting for him for 8 hours in freezing temperatures, with no toilet... plus I would still have the same problem of driving home in snow.