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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say I can't pick him up?

999 replies

hurryupsummer2 · 08/02/2021 13:21

My husband has a day operation this week - something that could probably be easily moved but he won't.

He wants me to collect him from the hospital at 9pm, but I'm very worried because we have deep snow, and I am nervous about driving in it. I never drive in snow or Ice, and my car is definitely not built for it. I am having worries about accidents.

The hospital is 25 miles away, which includes country roads and roads that won't be gritted. I've suggested he gets a taxi but he shouted at me and told me no, I will collect him, because 'that's what wives do'. He will have had a general anaesthetic and he thinks I'm awful to not pick him up. The taxi would cost around £60-£70.

For background, I am the only driver and it is my car, which I pay for and insure etc on my own.

OP posts:
sbhydrogen · 08/02/2021 20:39

I was supposed to have two hospital appointments, one today and one tomorrow. I've cancelled them both because the snow is so bad leaving town today. One of the two routes out is blocked due to snowdrifts, and the other is an ice rink. Apparently six cars came off the road and into the ditch on one route out. It's not worth it, OP. Your husband should understand.

InkyPinkyPonky95 · 08/02/2021 20:40

Id pick my DP up after an operation. No clue why you'd expect him to move his surgery to make your life easier... that's a bit.. bratty. If you're worried just drive slow, the roads will be quiet at 9pm. I spent a week in hospital and my DP rushed me to hospital, visited every single evening and took me home a week later. The night I was admitted he went home at 2am and came back at 4 am with a fluffy pillow, clothes and things to comfort me. And still went to work in the morning. He's hardly asking much of you to pick him up from the hospital. He probably feels a bit unloved right now!!

Frannibananni · 08/02/2021 20:40

If roles were reversed everyone would be calling him a asshole

Dopeyduck · 08/02/2021 20:41

I’d pick him up and expect the same in return. I’d probably even throw some sympathy in for him given the situation. You’re being OTT about the snow.

Feedingthebirds1 · 08/02/2021 20:51

@Livelovebehappy

YABU. Flip it - if you were the one having the op, would you be happy with his suggestion to get taxis? He’ll probably feel a bit crap with after effects of anaesthetic etc, so can’t imagine it’s going to be much fun for him travelling with a stranger for miles.
As he can't drive, when it has been the OP having an OP, she's had to either get a taxi or pay a friend to take her and fetch her. So whether or not she was happy with that would be somewhat of a moot point.

If roles were reversed everyone would be calling him a asshole

Not if she had also posted that she didn't drive, so didn't see why she should contribute towards the running costs of the car; had left her DH/DP to fend for himself when he had an op; and had screamed at him that he would be fetching her because that's what husbands do - we'd be calling her the asshole.

Eckhart · 08/02/2021 20:57

@TeeBee

I'd pick my ex husband up from hospital if he asked me, let alone a current one. I understand you might be nervous in the snow but are you going to stay nervous forever? Most cars are perfectly capable of dealing with snow. Unless it's multiple feet deep, just drive more slowly and stay focussed.
Yes, of course. That's why accidents never happen in snow in cars. It's because it's really quite simple to keep control of them. Heaven only knows why the silly old authorities are advising us not to drive, and calling the conditions treacherous. What would they know, eh?
Eckhart · 08/02/2021 20:58

@InkyPinkyPonky95

No clue why you'd expect him to move his surgery to make your life easier

I think OP is expecting him to move his surgery (or find another mode of transport) so that their lives continue.

mellicauli · 08/02/2021 21:02

If he refuses to pay for the car, why should he have any benefit from it if it doesn't suit you?

Maybe point out that a taxi was good enough for you, so it's good enough for him.

And he can pay for it.

Eckhart · 08/02/2021 21:03

There's no wonder there are accidents in icy conditions, given the gung ho attitudes here. You people saying OP should toughen up and drive on snow when nervous are one of the reasons people shouldn't drive in snow.

I suspect for all of you, it'd just take a few seconds of sliding along the ice with very little control to re-educate you for life. It happens in a jiffy, just like slipping over when you're walking, and it can happen to anyone, no matter how careful you are. Before you know where you are... well, you're not where you were, and heaven forbid that anything gets in your path, child, dog, wall, partner...

Mollymalone123 · 08/02/2021 21:08

I thought he wouldn’t be allowed to get a taxi after general anaesthetic or is it just public transport.I can see why you are worried but if u take it really slowly with a light foot on the pedal y should be ok x

Embracelife · 08/02/2021 21:10

Tell hin you pick up in daylight the next day
You cannot see black ice

HappyBluebird · 08/02/2021 21:14

I'm a pretty confident driver but if it was dangerous conditions I wouldn't drive (& nervousness is a 'condition' as much as snow is).

I would most definitely make sure I was there to meet my partner after an operation though, no matter what method i used to get there.

Neenan · 08/02/2021 21:19

Is it really deep snow? Because25 miles in deep snow is stupidity. I suspect some Exaggeration..

MrsMcBoatface · 08/02/2021 21:19

OP, I wouldn't drive in any weather conditions in which I felt I wouldn't be safe! Totally agree that he should have safe transport home, which will mean some form of taxi, whether you arrange it or he does. As the driver, I believe that YOU have the responsibility to decide whether the conditions are safe or not.

For all those suggesting a 'reverse' on this-- if the wife doesn't know HOW to drive but demands her husband transport her home in adverse weather conditions, are you saying that she, as a non driver, is qualified to be in a position to overrule the husband (driver)? I seem to remember that an important part of the driving test was assessing the conditions and making the decision on whether it was safe to drive. A non driver doesn't realise the risks, and the weight of responsibility, should anything go wrong, would be on the person who made the decision to drive.

SpeckledyHen · 08/02/2021 21:27

OP . You say that operation is later this week....How is he going to get to the hospital in tge first place in the snow ??? Let alone get home ?...

121hugsneeded · 08/02/2021 21:29

Nah he's being an entitled prat. He can't drive, so he gets a cab, or asks a friend who's confident driving in snow to help/ be paid take him and collect him.

Violinist64 · 08/02/2021 21:32

I am with the OP. I don't think the operation should be postponed but l can totally understand not wanting to drive in dangerous conditions. I am the same. How many of you who are saying she is being unloving and live in the country? I have always said that in order to be a good driver you have to know your limitations and drive safely within them. Of course in normal circumstances any one of us would drive our husbands home but in this instance l think a taxi is the answer. Better a taxi than having an accident or hypothermia because you cannot drive any further due to snow. After all, there will be plenty of time to look after your husband when he comes home.

PADH · 08/02/2021 21:33

@Livelovebehappy

YABU. Flip it - if you were the one having the op, would you be happy with his suggestion to get taxis? He’ll probably feel a bit crap with after effects of anaesthetic etc, so can’t imagine it’s going to be much fun for him travelling with a stranger for miles.
It was flipped - she had to get a taxi home on her own, he didnt even go to meet her.
WhoStoleMyCheese · 08/02/2021 21:41

Without RTFT OP is right about not snow driving when nervous (it can be very easy to lose control) but what's the relevance of the insurance of the car???

okstretch · 08/02/2021 21:44

WhoStoleMyCheese

Why don't you read the OP's posts and find out?

PADH · 08/02/2021 21:44

@WhoStoleMyCheese

Without RTFT OP is right about not snow driving when nervous (it can be very easy to lose control) but what's the relevance of the insurance of the car???
Her husband refuses to pay for the insurance because he doesn't drive it (even though he benefits from it) and is demanding op drives to lift him in precarious conditions. Not only is it dangerous, but should she have an accident, her insurance premiums will go up and she will face the cost alone, because despite making demands of the car, he doesn't contribute.
MrsRobinsonrules · 08/02/2021 21:45

If he were my husband I'd pay a taxi driver to meet him at reception, hand him his suitcase and tell him 'your wife says she wants a divorce'... Well that would be nice but after reading so many threads on here from women who put up with lazy, rude, abusive men its not that simple sadly. He's horrible. You sound lovely. Say no. Ignore him as best you can and begin making plans to leave asap. Life is to short for this shite. Get away from him now. Please be ok and try to get away. Don't pick him up, selfish prick x

sqirrelfriends · 08/02/2021 21:46

I wouldn't want to drive on ungritted roads in the snow either OP. If the roles were reversed then I definitely wouldn't want DH to risk an accident to come get me either.

I know he can't drive but what would he do if the roles were reversed? Do you see him coming both ways in a taxi to pick you up? If not then I think you have your answer.

MsJinks · 08/02/2021 21:46

It’s not just the OP’s driving though is it - there will be other cars on the road that may not have super snow drivers in them and skid into her. Plus - I expect cross partner may have ideas on how badly she is handling the driving, or be over reactive, ruining the last shreds of her confidence- been there, and it doesn’t improve your driving skills. The risks, for any driver in snow/ice, are accidents, getting stuck, skids - not the nicest prospect for the patient. Hospitals can arrange transport where it’s impossible for a patient to attend otherwise - I expect this may not apply in this case though, but I would phone admissions/dept and make enquiries, as they will obviously have dealt with this sort of thing before. Discuss alternatives, many suggestions above, and make sure he knows you care to support him getting home safely, and you driving in snow would not be safe. I’m giving him the benefit of the doubt that he’s just anxious about the op here, but anyway guess you should try your best to accommodate his needs after a GA.
Do not drive in snow, or try to practice either - ignore those suggestions unless you are emigrating to Canada soon.
My elderly Mum, desperate for me to fix her broken mobile for very good reasons, insisted I was not to drive to collect it today - if an 87 year old who has never driven, has a bit of dementia and personal upset can recognise risk and not be selfish then so can others - it really is not just about collecting your partner but putting him, you, other road users, emergency services, rescue services at risk.

SnoozyLou · 08/02/2021 21:49

If roles were reversed everyone would be calling him a asshole

They were and he (a) can't drive, and (b), let OP pay a friend or a taxi to pick her up. So yes, asshole sounds about right!

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