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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To say I can't pick him up?

999 replies

hurryupsummer2 · 08/02/2021 13:21

My husband has a day operation this week - something that could probably be easily moved but he won't.

He wants me to collect him from the hospital at 9pm, but I'm very worried because we have deep snow, and I am nervous about driving in it. I never drive in snow or Ice, and my car is definitely not built for it. I am having worries about accidents.

The hospital is 25 miles away, which includes country roads and roads that won't be gritted. I've suggested he gets a taxi but he shouted at me and told me no, I will collect him, because 'that's what wives do'. He will have had a general anaesthetic and he thinks I'm awful to not pick him up. The taxi would cost around £60-£70.

For background, I am the only driver and it is my car, which I pay for and insure etc on my own.

OP posts:

Changechangychange · 08/02/2021 19:43

@Toorapid

All the people saying he wouldn't be allowed to leave in a taxi, what would someone (like OP) who doesn't have a driving partner do?

When I have had surgery, my non-driving partner has waited for me, and we have left together in a taxi (or more often on the bus, the important thing is not leaving unaccompanied).

Lovemusic33 · 08/02/2021 19:47

I think people are being a bit harsh. I live rurally too and sometimes just driving to the next village is awful as they don’t grit the roads, at the moment there’s still water on the roads from all the rain and now it’s frozen so it’s pretty scary to drive on. The main roads are fine but getting to them can be really dangerous, I have seen many accidents where people have lost control of their cars on the ice.

I can see your concerns.

Rupertbeartrousers · 08/02/2021 19:52

@anxiouswaiting

I think you are being given a hard time OP!

I also hate driving in the snow, I have a small car and a few years a go I spun trying to get out of our little side road. Now if I feel its unsafe I don't drive.

We have a lot of snow here today, lots of talk of accidents and people stuck, farmers have been pulling people out of snow and people with 4x4 kindly giving lifts to key workers.

I don't think you are unreasonable not to want to drive, I'd be the same, last thing I would want is to pick up my husband and have an accident on the way back and be stuck somewhere with him feeling rough post-op.

I can see why he doesn't just want to get a taxi though, he will be feeling vulnerable. If it were me I would probably go in a taxi to pick him up and then come back with him.

Eminently sensible post...

I would try not to stress at this stage

if snow is terrible, the op may be cancelled or he may not get in to have it anyway.
if it snows in the morning it might be clear by 9pm
if actively snowing/getting worse/roads closed then ring the hospital and say you can’t come, unlikely he’ll be the only patient in that situation.
maybe try to organise a contingency, friend/relative/local fb group - maybe a 4x4 hero who’s willing to take you to get him.

Agree if snow is terrible then a taxi is no help either and it would be pretty negligent of you or even the hospital to discharge a post GA patient into treacherous driving conditions, presumably he’s not going to be great at maintaining body temperature or help push you out of a snow drift.

I would be concerned about his behaviour about it, but I would be hoping for the best (Ie op happens and you can get him) but explaining that you can’t necessarily do the impossible if the conditions are really too bad

480Widdio · 08/02/2021 19:52

I never drive in the snow and I certainly wouldn’t at night on ungritted country roads and neither would my late husband have expected me to.

I never picked him up from the Airport either,he got a taxi,always.

OP’s husband sounds uncaring,what husband would expect his wife to do that,knowing full well it petrifies her,he should be worried about her!

Stick to your guns OP,just tell him no,if it’s day surgery it is not major.Tell him to book a taxi.

PyongyangKipperbang · 08/02/2021 19:53

He wont pay towards a car he cant drive but expects the use of via you and then shouts at you and tells you what you MUST do for his convenience?

He would be fucking walking if he was my husband.

Staffy1 · 08/02/2021 19:59

The "it's what wives do" comment is a cheek when he doesn't drive and couldn't do the same for you, even in decent weather, so don't let him get away with that comment again.

Northernsoullover · 08/02/2021 20:05

All cars are capable of driving in the snow? Snow like this? Or a light dusting? I think half of you haven't got a clue what snow can range from!

billy1966 · 08/02/2021 20:06

@PyongyangKipperbang

He wont pay towards a car he cant drive but expects the use of via you and then shouts at you and tells you what you MUST do for his convenience?

He would be fucking walking if he was my husband.

Exactly.

What a pig.

Lots of people prefer to not drive in the snow, which may not even be an annual occurrence.
25 miles is quiet a distance.

SnoozyLou · 08/02/2021 20:10

I'd tell him to get a taxi, because that's what they do.

I don't like driving in the snow since I couldn't stop once and went straight over a roundabout in front of an articulated lorry, dropping then-boyfriend to work. It would be a no from me I'm afraid.

PADH · 08/02/2021 20:13

@shouldreallynamechangemore

If the OP had and operation she would have to get a taxi wouldn't she?

Good point!

independentfriend · 08/02/2021 20:16

I wouldn't want to drive in snow unless unavoidable and I'd definitely want to avoid doing that in the dark on ungritted rural roads. If I needed to collect someone from hospital after a general anaesethic late in the evening, I think I'd go for driving to the hospital ish during daylight, checking into a hotel and making arrangements for dinner for me / snacks for the person I'm collecting and then collect the not-really-with-it-person. Stay the night in the hotel and drive home the following day. Lockdown rules are loose enough to allow this.

But not sure I'd be inclined to do much for anyone who was shouting at me, insisting I do it.

Unsure33 · 08/02/2021 20:16

I am going to go against the grain here . If it was me , my husband would not expect me to pick him up . He would get a taxi .

Livelovebehappy · 08/02/2021 20:18

YABU. Flip it - if you were the one having the op, would you be happy with his suggestion to get taxis? He’ll probably feel a bit crap with after effects of anaesthetic etc, so can’t imagine it’s going to be much fun for him travelling with a stranger for miles.

CatherinedeBourgh · 08/02/2021 20:18

When my husband had a minor op he didn’t tell me when he was done and just took a taxi home.

No snow, no issue. He just didn’t think it was reasonable to get me to play chauffeur for him when he had another simple solution.

Because thatks what husbands do.

Eckhart · 08/02/2021 20:18

@Livelovebehappy

He can't drive...

SnoozyLou · 08/02/2021 20:20

I would offer to go up in the taxi, but I wouldn't be bullied into driving if I wasn't comfortable with it.

I wouldn't suggest cancelling his surgery though.

Nonamesavail · 08/02/2021 20:22

I wouldn't. Its bad here where I am. Some snow drifts are extremely deep.

greeneyedlulu · 08/02/2021 20:23

But how is he getting to the hospital for the procedure?

withmycoffee · 08/02/2021 20:23

@DicklessWonder

Plus the fact the OP is not confident about driving a long distance in the snow in a car that's not designed for it.

All cars can be driven in snow.

OP, is there anyone you or your DH know who could pick him up ideally in a 4x4 but basically anyone who doesn't mind driving in adverse weather conditions? Friend, neighbour, relative?

There is nothing magical about a 4x4 in snow. Fat tyres are not best for driving in snow, for one, and being heavier they will struggle to correct slips quickly.

Best car in snow is a Fiat Panda with skinny tyres.

Driver ability is key though. I don’t know why so many people can’t be arsed to learn how to drive in snow.

I don't know why anyone can't be arsed to learn how to drive full stop. Why can't he drive OP? And he doesn't pay anything towards the car because he feels he shouldn't have to? Because only you drive it? Does he not benefit in any way from it? Like uh-I dunno, getting picked up from time to time as she sounds like he expects this- with his shouting at you and all. He sounds like a real catch OP

TeeBee · 08/02/2021 20:25

I'd pick my ex husband up from hospital if he asked me, let alone a current one.
I understand you might be nervous in the snow but are you going to stay nervous forever? Most cars are perfectly capable of dealing with snow. Unless it's multiple feet deep, just drive more slowly and stay focussed.

Pinotpleasure · 08/02/2021 20:26

I don’t have time to read through all 20 pages......but is there an hotel near the hospital? I do know that some hotels are open for key workers and I would guess there must be at least one or two near the hospital? The hospital staff may be able to advise.

The O/P may then feel more comfortable driving in the daylight and roads are more likely to be clear in daytime (more traffic). Perhaps she could book a night in an hotel near the hospital, check in at about 3pm and either drive to the hospital or take a taxi to meet her husband and then go back to the hotel together? If he becomes unwell then at least the hospital would be nearby so he could get back there quickly if necessary.

TheSparkleJar · 08/02/2021 20:26

I think it's incredibly mean

And what will you think if she crashes in the attempt?

I think she sounds like a saint for putting up with this man.

Sheepies · 08/02/2021 20:29

If you aren't comfortable driving in the snow, then don't. It doesn't snow enough here imo to bother with winter tyres or 'practicing' in the snow.

MrsClatterbuck · 08/02/2021 20:32

@Eckhart

If OP can't drive to pick him up due to weather conditions, she should ski there and carry him home in a piggyback.

It's what wives do.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 08/02/2021 20:32

I think your DH is bring ridiculous. I had a major operation last time we had heavy snow a few years back and would not let my son and daughter in law pick me up because I was so worried about their safety. I got a taxi and an experienced driver and even then we bary made it home. It was touch and go.

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