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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To say I can't pick him up?

999 replies

hurryupsummer2 · 08/02/2021 13:21

My husband has a day operation this week - something that could probably be easily moved but he won't.

He wants me to collect him from the hospital at 9pm, but I'm very worried because we have deep snow, and I am nervous about driving in it. I never drive in snow or Ice, and my car is definitely not built for it. I am having worries about accidents.

The hospital is 25 miles away, which includes country roads and roads that won't be gritted. I've suggested he gets a taxi but he shouted at me and told me no, I will collect him, because 'that's what wives do'. He will have had a general anaesthetic and he thinks I'm awful to not pick him up. The taxi would cost around £60-£70.

For background, I am the only driver and it is my car, which I pay for and insure etc on my own.

OP posts:

FredtheCatsMum · 08/02/2021 18:21

For what its worth, I don't think you're being unreasonable. To be honest, I'm a little worried about you.

Your husband shouldn't shout at you, and not paying toward the car 'because he doesn't drive' is unusual. Its perfectly normal to not want to drive in snow - I can drive, but I don't do it often and I'd be nervous of 25 miles on country roads this week.

I have a feeling there's a bit more to your story. Of course, its entirely up to you what you choose to share, but I hope you have a friend you can talk about this with. Take care.

islockdownoveryet · 08/02/2021 18:29

It’s not a double standard when it comes to safety and prevention of accidents. Ffs.
Of course it is , a woman posting that her husband won’t pick her up after a operation and make her get a taxi in the snow . It will be Ltb and you know it .

Lweji · 08/02/2021 18:31

TBH, if you do not know or are not confident driving with snow, I wouldn't want to be driven by you. Why does he?

Plus, not sure I'd want to risk being stranded at home post-op in case anything went wrong. How would the ambulance get through?
Better to postpone or get a hotel nearby, anyway.

FantasticButtocks · 08/02/2021 18:34

You don't drive in snow or ice, not do I, not in anything white. He doesn't drive, and he has no business pressuring you to drive in those conditions when you know you're not up to it.
Get a taxi. Let go of the anguish of deciding and trying to make yourself do something that frightens you. Either go in the taxi to fetch him. Or send it for him. It's fine.
There's no such thing as 'it's what wives do' - that's just his opinion and it's bollocks. You're being a perfectly fine support to him if you make arrangements to get him home, you don't have to drive in these conditions, leave it to a professional.

Jaichangecentfoisdenom · 08/02/2021 18:39

@pencilpot99

Going against the general concensus here. If you are inexperienced and nervous driving in snowy conditions, your DH should put off his operation and he is unreasonable to expect you to venture out at night in dangerous driving conditions you are not prepared for. You will be in absolutely no state to support your DH post-op while feeling stressed/anxious/upset/tired etc driving at night in difficult conditions. I can't believe how many people are suggesting you do this. In European countries, it is illegal to drive in snowy conditions without snow chains etc. (ie in a vehicle that is as safe as possible). Don't do it OP.

Absolutely this. (Also, he doesn't sound a very nice man.)

EberhardtSmallcock · 08/02/2021 18:40

I've been driving for longer than some MNers have been alive, and I wouldn't be doing that journey in the snow.

Most snow-related car accidents happen because people think driving in the snow is soooo easy, and just like any other driving. I remember our NDN twatting on about how people were stupid for letting a bit of snow put them off. His car promptly slid down the hill at the end of our rural road into a six-foot snowdrift, and my dad had to dig him out (while muttering that he should just leave him there). Or they live in places where "snow" means a slight sprinkling, which turns to slush as soon as a couple of buses have driven through it.

OP isn't suggesting that her delightful husband be left to rot in the hospital forever. She has come up with a reasonable alternative.

Meowtha · 08/02/2021 18:40

If you really don't want to drive op I think you'll need to go in a taxi to collect him.

I had keyhole day surgery under GA last year and had to be physically collected, as you have to have a friend or family member with you for 24hrs. DH had to come into reception and report that he was collecting me.

Tartyflette · 08/02/2021 18:41

Who suggested camping out? I said an option to consider might be to set out for the hospital while it's still light, arriving there early and taking something hot to drink to while away a couple of hours while you wait for him to be discharged. FFS.
The other things I mentioned were practical and safety related.

Cadent · 08/02/2021 18:41

@islockdownoveryet

It’s not a double standard when it comes to safety and prevention of accidents. Ffs. Of course it is , a woman posting that her husband won’t pick her up after a operation and make her get a taxi in the snow . It will be Ltb and you know it .

Nope, not within the circumstances described by OP.

Chanandlerbong01 · 08/02/2021 18:46

I used to be confident driving in snow when I lived in Didsbury. Now I live somewhere rural I wouldn’t even attempt it. The last time I did I ended up stuck in a dip alongside several others and had to abandon my car and walk home which took hours. Villages in rural areas are much more spread out, there can easily be 10 miles of country lanes between villages and single pass roads, it isn’t worth the risk. If I had an accident it could be hours before anyone else drove down the road. The roads are pitch black because there are no streetlights or nearby cities. Why should op put herself at risk for an arse?

If you pass a road closed sign then your insurance is invalid. I didn’t think the snow was too bad today, when I went out with the dogs for a walk there was snow drifts thigh height on roads.

Mummyoflittledragon · 08/02/2021 18:47

@islockdownoveryet

It’s not a double standard when it comes to safety and prevention of accidents. Ffs. Of course it is , a woman posting that her husband won’t pick her up after a operation and make her get a taxi in the snow . It will be Ltb and you know it .

Pity you didn’t read ops posts at least. Her husband has left her to do make her own way home after surgery. Snow or no snow.

YouhavenoauthorityJackieWeaver · 08/02/2021 18:48

If he's had a GA he won't be able to get a taxi, you need to have someone pick you up

Gingertam · 08/02/2021 18:49

I haven't read the whole thread but I do think some people are giving you a really hard time. If you didn't have a car your husband would have to get home somehow. Plenty of people don't own cars and get themselves home from hospital. I do think some people making nasy comments on here don't realise how frightening it is for some people to drive in bad snow. I'm a confident driver, but have had some really scary journeys over the years and only drive in snow if I really have to. I'm sorry but he sounds vile. How dare he pressure you to pick him up when he doesn't even drive himself. He'd be no use to you if you ever needed a lift. I'm sure he could just get a taxi, but if there was no alternative you could get a taxi there and back. I really don't know how you can live with such a bully.

ScrapThatThen · 08/02/2021 18:52

You don't seem like a partnership you just seem like two people who worry and stress about different things and have different priorities. Where's the love and consideration for each other?

Bourbonbiccy · 08/02/2021 18:53

I thought you needed a person to collect you if you had a GA.

It's a tough one, because if you are scared of driving in the snow that must make you anxious at the thought of doing so, but also it is really harsh to not meet him from the hospital.

I would pick him up and leave loads of time and just take it easy if the roads are open, but how will he get home if you say they close some roads ? Surely even a taxi won't get through..?

vaguelyill · 08/02/2021 18:58

They won’t let you go home in a taxi alone .

Am well versed in this as have no willing family to help me get home, I have surgery every two years or so - am usually jut admitted for the night until I’m more capable the next day .

Dunno if they’d still do that in covid times though tbf!

Littlepaws18 · 08/02/2021 18:59

Pick him up! You are going to have to get used to all weather road conditions you can't just drive when it's fine.

The poor guy has had an anaesthetic been in hospital groggy and needs a little care, especially as it's the evening. Push your fears aside and care for your loved ones.

The hospital is about ten mins away from us and if my partner wouldn't pick me up after treatment I'd be so upset.

Northernsoullover · 08/02/2021 19:00

@Tinacollada

Northern - is she then supposed to drive and head into a snow drift and find no taxis available then ? Is that the best thing to do ?

I don't think she should drive full stop. I'm one of the few that thinks she isn't being unreasonable

BlueThistles · 08/02/2021 19:02

I don't think she should drive right now either 🌺

Northernsoullover · 08/02/2021 19:03

I'm also wondering if I'm the only one who wouldn't want my loved one to undertake a risky journey in severe weather conditions.

Willyoujustbequiet · 08/02/2021 19:04

Evening

Don't be stupid. He's just had a general and its unlikely the hospital would let him. They have a duty of care. Why should a taxi driver accept that responsibility

flowersWB · 08/02/2021 19:08

The hospital is about ten mins away from us and if my partner wouldn't pick me up after treatment I'd be so upset.
Read the thread! Her partner has never picked her up in equivalent situations.
This is not your (presumably) happy relationship. This is more complex than that.

KriekAndWaffle · 08/02/2021 19:10

Why are there still “poor man” posts? The bloke is a prat!

Crystalclair · 08/02/2021 19:12

@littlepaws18 great idea, because potentially having a fatal accident because she feels unsafe is way less of an issue 🙄

Velvian · 08/02/2021 19:12

Can you get a taxi there and both come back in it?

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