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AIBU?

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Original poster

To say I can't pick him up?

999 replies

hurryupsummer2 · 08/02/2021 13:21

My husband has a day operation this week - something that could probably be easily moved but he won't.

He wants me to collect him from the hospital at 9pm, but I'm very worried because we have deep snow, and I am nervous about driving in it. I never drive in snow or Ice, and my car is definitely not built for it. I am having worries about accidents.

The hospital is 25 miles away, which includes country roads and roads that won't be gritted. I've suggested he gets a taxi but he shouted at me and told me no, I will collect him, because 'that's what wives do'. He will have had a general anaesthetic and he thinks I'm awful to not pick him up. The taxi would cost around £60-£70.

For background, I am the only driver and it is my car, which I pay for and insure etc on my own.

OP posts:
DwarfQuasar · 08/02/2021 17:46

I've been allowed home in a taxi after surgery under GA on more than one occasion. They were fine with me getting in a taxi on my own as long as there was someone waiting at home for me.

Willyoujustbequiet · 08/02/2021 17:47

Poor bloke is probably worried about his op and his wife is appearing uncaring and pretty selfish imo.

Put your big girl pants on and do it fgs. Dont leave him stranded in pain Hmm

Iamanunsafebuilding · 08/02/2021 17:47

If he's had a GA the hospital won't let him leave in a taxi. My MIL had a procedure needing sedation recently and she'd planned to get to and from the hospital by taxi as FIL doesn't drive but that was a pre-op question and they said if she couldn't be picked up they wouldn't do the procedure. Hence we got a phone call asking if we could pick her up later that day.... Which we did

anonimum · 08/02/2021 17:50

OP, you are not being unreasonable to have a fear of driving in the snow. My night vision is poor - particularly in rain, so I avoid it. If your husband's shouty response to your suggestion of using a taxi was out of character, I'd suggest he is nervous about the op and needs some loving support. Is there a family member or friend who you know would be happy to drive? Can you go with them to collect him? Good luck.

SakuraEdenSwan1 · 08/02/2021 17:51

The hospital can arrange a PTS Ambulance in advance for his discharge if he has no way of getting home.

RevolutionRadio · 08/02/2021 17:53

In many hospitals they won't let you go home in a taxi alone after general anaesthetic.

If you don't want to drive then you (or relative or friend) may have to get a taxi there, meet your husband so that the hospital know he is accompanied and then get a taxi home.

It also might be cheaper to drive there on the morning and book a hotel for the night and drive home the next day. I live a similar distance from our main hospital and according to the taxi app it would cost £22 each way, The Premier Inn opposite the hospital is only £29 a night at the moment.

londonbrick · 08/02/2021 17:53

If you're in East Suffolk OP definitely don't go and pick him up. The snow drifts have even trapped some of the snow ploughs & the gritters haven't been able to get through many roads at all.

EveningOverRooftops · 08/02/2021 17:54

@Willyoujustbequiet

Poor bloke is probably worried about his op and his wife is appearing uncaring and pretty selfish imo.

Put your big girl pants on and do it fgs. Dont leave him stranded in pain Hmm

He should put his big boy pants on and get a taxi.
thesugarbumfairy · 08/02/2021 17:54

OP

I agree with you actually. If I were a nervous driver, I'd also be a bit panicky about driving in the dark on snowy roads. I do understand your DH's point of view, but it was shit of him to overlook your feelings on the matter. I don't think its selfish to be worried about driving in dangerous conditions. Its all very well to say ' if you love him, you'd pick him up' but this isn't about that - its a safety issue - you'd pick him up if the roads were clear right?

FWIW I had a general at a private hospital last week for a procedure. I had to get a taxi home. Not because it was snowing. But because my 'D'H is an alcoholic and couldn't wait 6 hours without a drink so he could pick me up. I was pretty devastated when I rang him to collect me and realised. There was no issue with me getting a taxi. The nurse walked me out to it. I was fine. I'd have felt a lot better if my husband was there to get me, but I'm a big girl and the nurses felt it was safe to discharge me. I'm not even going to go into the state of our marriage right now after that little episode.

He doesn't need to reschedule his op. He needs to get a taxi home. If he is not in a fit state to be discharged, they will keep him in anyway.

Redsquirrel5 · 08/02/2021 17:55

OP I also live in the country one track roads and we have snow. I am nervous since an accident on ice. I know it is difficult with Covid but is there a relative, friend or neighbour who would pick him up preferably someone with a 4 wheel drive. Or you could enquire at the hospital as often volunteer drivers or ambulance ( not one that responds but a transport one- I know someone that drives one of these) that you could access. I would ring the hospital and ask.

If all else fails put your big girl pants on and drive slowly, make sure you have a spade, a blanket and a phone. Being prepared makes you feel more confident and put the radio on. Check local website for road conditions. We have a village website which is great and several people were thankful when two entrances/ exits were flooded and others could warn them and it was updated about every hour by locals trying to get home. Two women put a big thank you as they were both trying to get back home and did manage it after lots of advice and two hours to get about ten miles normally. So check that if you have one.
Drive slowly make sure you windscreen is clear, stop if it gets to hard to see. Our village has just had the snow plough up and gritted. Haven’t seen it for years! I
He shouldn’t have shouted at you but perhaps he is very anxious about the operation. A non driver doesn’t understand. They just think if you can drive that’s it no regard for motorways, four lane traffic, floods or snow. Try and explain or ring some and get them to explain. Good luck.

Raindough · 08/02/2021 17:57

In many hospitals they won't let you go home in a taxi alone after general anaesthetic.

My hospital said this but in practice on the day, let me go home in an Uber. This was 2018, I was 20 and living with my friends at university at the time who didn’t drive.

Tartyflette · 08/02/2021 17:58

A couple of things you might consider : 1 - going early to collect him while it's still daylight, which is until about 5.30 pm at the moment in England. Take a book, a rug, some chocolate and a flask of tea or coffee for while you wait. Not great but at least half the journey would be in daylight. Make sure your phone is charged up.
2nd -- Your car. Is it a front wheel drive? These are much easier to drive in snow or icy conditions. A few years ago I had to drive DH to the airport early one dark and very snowy February morning on rural/minor roads and many of the cars that couldn't make it up the hills were BMW saloons (rear wheel drive). We also had snow chains for the tyres but they're not easy to get hold of, although the AA used to hire them out. Ask around?
Also you could consider putting a shovel into the boot in case you need to dig it out of drifting snow, and possibly a bag of sand if you have any, for traction. My DH, a belt and braces type, does all that when snow is forecast.

yvanka · 08/02/2021 18:02

When I've had procedures I pay for taxis or pay a friend to help me

He doesn't think he should pay as he doesn't drive it.

He can absolutely get to fuck.

Ludo19 · 08/02/2021 18:03

If you are too nervous to drive then you are a danger not only to yourself but other road users.

Get a taxi. He shouted at you "because that's what a wife does" yet doesn't drive himself so if roles reversed he wouldn't be able to collect you. Nah get a taxi

islockdownoveryet · 08/02/2021 18:06

EveningOverRooftops

Willyoujustbequiet
Poor bloke is probably worried about his op and his wife is appearing uncaring and pretty selfish imo.

Put your big girl pants on and do it fgs. Dont leave him stranded in pain hmm
He should put his big boy pants on and get a taxi.

Could you imagine saying this to a woman double standards on here .
The guy has just had a operation of course he wants picking up wouldn’t we all ?

Cadent · 08/02/2021 18:09

@clpsmum

Why on earth would you not want to lick your husband up???

Lick him up?! Eww.

KriekAndWaffle · 08/02/2021 18:11

I strongly suspect that a taxi won't run if the snow is actually that bad.

If it’s too bad for a taxi why would the OP be expected to drive in it to pick him up?

If it’s a private op can’t he just stay over?

KTheGrey · 08/02/2021 18:12

If there is heavy snow and ice then it's possible the surgery will be postponed anyway. Call them and explain the situation. It seems foolish to have the operation this week if it can be put off.

Tinacollada · 08/02/2021 18:13

Camping out in the car with a flask of coffee ?!

Is this actually for real!?

clpsmum · 08/02/2021 18:13

@Cadent lol bloody predictive text! I don't mind giving anyone a lift but I draw the line at licking I swear lol

flowersWB · 08/02/2021 18:14

This thread is awful. People also keep replying having not the whole thread. At least read all of OPs posts to get the full picture!
This man doesn't drive and so made the op find her own way home in equivalent situations.
He refuses to contribute financially to the car but thinks he is entitled to lifts
He shouts at op and belittles her.
She is terrified to drive in snow, massively increasing her chances of crashing due to fear as the weather. He either doesn't care or understand this as he can't drive

And yet loads of people keep coming on here and expressing disgust that she would even consider not getting him?

This man is being a right bastard.
Stop being so horrible to the OP

RoSEbuds6 · 08/02/2021 18:14

It's a difficult call OP, because obviously I don't know your relationship. If it was me and my DP, I'm a nervous driver and wouldn't be happy driving in heavy snow, but then my DP knows that, and wouldn't ask me. When he had his hip op, I went to the hospital on the train and we got a cab home together.
I would worry that I might cause an accident.

BertramLacey · 08/02/2021 18:14

He doesn't drive, and doesn't pay towards your car, but expects to make use of it (and you) as his taxi service, and presumably for anything else he needs? For an operation which is elective and on a day of his choosing, because it suited him better? And shouted at you when you expressed genuine concern at being able to do it? Frankly I'd tell him to sod off and find his own way home.

This. This thread is so weird. Why should the OP drive out in conditions she isn't confident in to pick up her husband when, were the roles reversed, he would be unable to do anything. Are people just wilfully missing this? Yes, it would be good to have your partner/ spouse pick you up after an operation, but you don't get to shout at them for not doing so if you are incapable of reciprocating when they need a lift.

Jesus. Has everyone been shut in for too long or something? And it doesn't snow that often in the south of the UK (if that's where the OP is) so nobody really gets that much practice at it. A couple of weeks ago my county was putting out a warning not to travel unless absolutely essential because one of their gritters had overturned. And if anyone is going to be experienced at driving in difficult conditions it will be a gritter driver. Sure the OP could practice more but 9pm on a February night is not the time for this.

If it were me and my partner we'd sit down and talk through options that we're both comfortable with, not shout and expect the other person to do something we'd be incapable of doing ourselves.

EveningOverRooftops · 08/02/2021 18:17

@islockdownoveryet

EveningOverRooftops

Willyoujustbequiet
Poor bloke is probably worried about his op and his wife is appearing uncaring and pretty selfish imo.

Put your big girl pants on and do it fgs. Dont leave him stranded in pain hmm
He should put his big boy pants on and get a taxi.

Could you imagine saying this to a woman double standards on here .
The guy has just had a operation of course he wants picking up wouldn’t we all ?

I’d say exactly the same to a woman having an OP that can be rescheduled, in these weather conditions and a partner not confident with driving.

It’s not a double standard when it comes to safety and prevention of accidents. Ffs.

Fwiw I’m a single mother have had several OPs where I’ve HAD to get a taxi home post surgery alone and in pain. You do what you have to do with the circumstances.

m0therofdragons · 08/02/2021 18:18

In a normal loving relationship you wouldn’t hesitate, of course you’d either pick him up or ask a friend with a 4x4 as a back up for bad weather. But this isn’t a normal loving relationship. Time for a discussion re finances and careful thought as to whether you see a future with him.

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