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AIBU?

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Original poster

To say I can't pick him up?

999 replies

hurryupsummer2 · 08/02/2021 13:21

My husband has a day operation this week - something that could probably be easily moved but he won't.

He wants me to collect him from the hospital at 9pm, but I'm very worried because we have deep snow, and I am nervous about driving in it. I never drive in snow or Ice, and my car is definitely not built for it. I am having worries about accidents.

The hospital is 25 miles away, which includes country roads and roads that won't be gritted. I've suggested he gets a taxi but he shouted at me and told me no, I will collect him, because 'that's what wives do'. He will have had a general anaesthetic and he thinks I'm awful to not pick him up. The taxi would cost around £60-£70.

For background, I am the only driver and it is my car, which I pay for and insure etc on my own.

OP posts:
Gwenhwyfar · 08/02/2021 17:24

I'm surprised they'd let him go in a taxi. I wasn't allowed to take a taxi after a short tooth operation with GA!

MeanMrMustardSeed · 08/02/2021 17:24

FFS people. Read the OP. Do you really think it’s acceptable to shout at someone who, very legitimately, doesn’t want to do something? Don’t you think that that might be a hint at what the relationship is like? Or the other glaring subtext that the OP isn’t desperate to be there herself for her OH? Or that her OH is quite happy to put the OP through the stress and anxiety of night driving in snow?
OP, you don’t need to pick him up if you don’t want to. Your reasons are entirely legitimate. If someone shouted at me when I didn’t want to do what they wanted, I wouldn’t be prioritising them either.

I actually think a lot of the replies have been potentially quite damaging.

Tinacollada · 08/02/2021 17:25

Of course people can get a bloody taxi back. I've had loads as have my DC at various points. Obviously the hospital has to advise against it but come on !!

Henio · 08/02/2021 17:26

I think most of these responses are harsh as fuck, I don't think OP should be driving in heavy snow and ice if she's inexperienced with an unsuitable car, if she crashes or gets stuck then she'll be relying on either an ambulance if she's insured, police if she's blocking a road or recovery companies if she gets stuck... honestly its safer for everyone if she doesn't drive by the sounds of it

Soontobe60 · 08/02/2021 17:31

My DH would not want me to pick him up as he knows I loathe driving in the snow after a car crashed into me in heavy snow. He would try to arrange transport or get a taxi home.
Shame on those of you who thinks the OP should drive in thick snow when she’s not at all confident in doing so!

rookiemere · 08/02/2021 17:31

I'd imagine any sensible Advanced Driving Lessons instructor would recommend drivers not to head out in heavy snow unless absolutely necessary,no matter what their normal driving ability might be.

Atalune · 08/02/2021 17:32

Tricky.

I assume if he not option to get home he would stay the night??

I am surprised that be discharged after GA?!?

Babyboomtastic · 08/02/2021 17:33

If this was a woman who didn't drive, who was needing to come home from hospital with a new baby, can you imagine the uproar if she was just told to get a taxi home!

And her shouting would be very much glossed over as her being upset.

The man hasn't acted great here, and on the fade if it, some of his attitudes appear concerning, but frankly we don't have enough information to condemn him. I don't blame him for getting upset and shouting, it's not great, but it can happen occasionally in some families and it's not divorce worthy! And the not contributing, well in order to know if that's justifiable we'd need a full breakdown of their relative incomes and what each pay for, rather than basing it merely on the car. There may be things that are of shared benefit but are the husband's financial responsibility, the OP may earn 4 times as much had her husband, or her may be a financially abusive oaf. We don't have the information.

dottiedaisee · 08/02/2021 17:33

I actually agree with OP . If she is that nervous he would be better off getting a taxi .

Northernsoullover · 08/02/2021 17:34

@BlueThistles

Ive had two bad accidents in Snow ... country roads in Scotland.. and I drive a 4x4 ❄️

Not a chance I would take any risks and especially in the dark ... Fuck No

Taxi might be safer .. who knows .. but shouting at you is not helpful 🌺

Saying a taxi might be safer.. my car got buried a few years ago in a drift. I rang a taxi and was (quite rightly) told that they weren't running. I had to walk to work. Four miles in a blizzard was not fun! During the beast from the East, headline news was local people with 4 x4s ferrying NHS and carers to work. It was either really bad snow or all the NHS and care staff were crap drivers who shouldn't have a licence full stop Confused. All of you who say you always drive in snow do you mean you go carefully in a few inches? Or do you firstly dig your car out, then dig a path in your street, then get onto a main road and hope its clear? I bet you don't.
Tinacollada · 08/02/2021 17:34

*had to do this - I should have said.

I also agree it's awful people should be suggesting the OP does this as it's "her lot"

Oh piss off!!

We are in a global pandemic and any adult should be good to get in a taxi.

God knows what happens to those without a spouse or mother to pick them up !

Raindough · 08/02/2021 17:35

To be honest it doesn’t sound like either of you like each other! Very disgruntled.

It’s rude to expect him to postpone his surgery, no matter how minor. The NHS has deemed it necessary, I’m sure most people would rather get it over with as soon as possible so that recovery can begin sooner.

His attitude to you driving/your car etc is strange.

The easiest solution is either he gets a taxi home, or you collect him in the taxi and take it home together

Soontobe60 · 08/02/2021 17:36

@User7312019

I just can’t imagine not wanting to pick my husband up from the hospital and why on Earth should he move surgery to make your life easier? How selfish.
How selfish to emotionally blackmail someone into driving in conditions they are very nervous to drive in. A friend of mine will not drive on the motorway at all. Should she be forced to just because someone else thinks its not a problem?
Tinacollada · 08/02/2021 17:37

Northern - is she then supposed to drive and head into a snow drift and find no taxis available then ? Is that the best thing to do ?

LadyEloise · 08/02/2021 17:37

How is he getting yo the hospital@ ?

Raindough · 08/02/2021 17:37

I think the people telling you to drive anyway can’t drive themselves.

MaLarkinn · 08/02/2021 17:38

Wow

DedlyMedally · 08/02/2021 17:38

We are in a global pandemic and any adult should be good to get in a taxi.

Even more reason why rescheduling may be troublesome and why someone may want to be picked up by someone they live with, rather than a 3rd party.

Soontobe60 · 08/02/2021 17:38

@Babyboomtastic

If this was a woman who didn't drive, who was needing to come home from hospital with a new baby, can you imagine the uproar if she was just told to get a taxi home!

And her shouting would be very much glossed over as her being upset.

The man hasn't acted great here, and on the fade if it, some of his attitudes appear concerning, but frankly we don't have enough information to condemn him. I don't blame him for getting upset and shouting, it's not great, but it can happen occasionally in some families and it's not divorce worthy! And the not contributing, well in order to know if that's justifiable we'd need a full breakdown of their relative incomes and what each pay for, rather than basing it merely on the car. There may be things that are of shared benefit but are the husband's financial responsibility, the OP may earn 4 times as much had her husband, or her may be a financially abusive oaf. We don't have the information.

If it was a mother and new born baby do you really think that its safe for them to get in a car for a significant journey on country roads in thick snow? Or would they be safer staying in hospital overnight?
Tinacollada · 08/02/2021 17:39

@*Northern

  • Sorry misunderstood this while reading quickly on phone x
rookiemere · 08/02/2021 17:41

I really wish people would stop saying they are nervous about driving in snow as if it's some sort of fallibility.
Unless you have a 4x4 or snow chains it's perfectly sensible not to want to drive in snow and generally not recommended.
This is not about the OP not caring enough or being a poor driver it's an irrational response " But if you were a proper wife you'd endanger your life by driving through snow" to a question. And judging from some of the responses on this thread, other posters would expect OP to risk a car accident or worse as some sort of proof of love.

MsHedgehog · 08/02/2021 17:41

@Soontobe60 In that case what's the difference between a car or a taxi?

And it's not up to the patient to stay in hospital overnight...

The husband needs someone to pick him up after surgery - people are so heartless on here!

Raindough · 08/02/2021 17:41

@DedlyMedally

We are in a global pandemic and any adult should be good to get in a taxi.

Even more reason why rescheduling may be troublesome and why someone may want to be picked up by someone they live with, rather than a 3rd party.

He’s going to spend several hours in hospital surrounded by these “3rd parties” you speak of - he’s already exposed to the risk of COVID. Stupid to decline a taxi on that basis.
Toorapid · 08/02/2021 17:43

I've just watched footage of a bus going sideways down a hill near here. A professional driver and we really have very little snow.

natalienewname · 08/02/2021 17:45

It's a difficult one isn't it, as it's heightened emotions and unusual circumstances.

  • scared of snow driving
  • worried about operation
  • vulnerable in recovery
  • bad weather due

I strongly suspect that a taxi won't run if the snow is actually that bad.

I also think that forecasts can be wrong. We were predicted heavy snow today and hardly have more than a few cm, so I wouldn't be worrying about something that might not happen.

Personally I would be upset if I needed collection after an operation and my DH didn't want to come.

I think your DH needs a back up, if you won't pick him up, and taxis can't run, is there a hotel he can stay the night at?

Snow driving isn't that bad, slow, steady, no sharp braking or acceleration. Major roads will be clear, and even our rural village road is gritted. The roads will be quiet in the evening, so no idiots to worry about.

You could even set off earlier, before it is dark, if you didn't mind waiting in the carpark for him.

I also second that it doesn't sound like you like each other very much, maybe time for a reassess

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