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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say I can't pick him up?

999 replies

hurryupsummer2 · 08/02/2021 13:21

My husband has a day operation this week - something that could probably be easily moved but he won't.

He wants me to collect him from the hospital at 9pm, but I'm very worried because we have deep snow, and I am nervous about driving in it. I never drive in snow or Ice, and my car is definitely not built for it. I am having worries about accidents.

The hospital is 25 miles away, which includes country roads and roads that won't be gritted. I've suggested he gets a taxi but he shouted at me and told me no, I will collect him, because 'that's what wives do'. He will have had a general anaesthetic and he thinks I'm awful to not pick him up. The taxi would cost around £60-£70.

For background, I am the only driver and it is my car, which I pay for and insure etc on my own.

OP posts:
brogueish · 08/02/2021 16:52

@Bookwords If you had read the OP's posts, you would know that the DH has already changed the op date from April to February because that fits better with his work. It appears that it's a private op rather than NHS.

Derbee · 08/02/2021 16:53

If my DH was refusing to pick me up from hospital after an operation, I would be thinking it was the end of the relationship, and divorce was not far away. As for people saying he’s abisibe for shouting at you - I’d end up shouting in a discussion where my spouse was being so selfish and awful

Topseyt · 08/02/2021 16:53

A husband who shouted at me that I must pick him up because “that’s what wives do” would get very short shrift indeed.

Normally I would pick DH up after something like that, and I have before. It didn’t involve ice and snow on treacherous country roads at night though. I am not confident in those conditions and DH knows this.

Mmn654123 · 08/02/2021 16:55

I’m surprised the hospital doesn’t require him to be collected by a friend or family member. Didn’t think they would allow him to leave via taxi alone if he’s had an operation.

reader12 · 08/02/2021 16:56

I think he sounds horrible and your fears sound reasonable. Dark, late, hill and snow don’t sound like a great combination even for a confident driver. Tell him if he pays for a taxi there and back you’ll come and look after him on the return journey but that driving doesn’t feel safe to you and he should respect that.

SwedishK · 08/02/2021 16:56

I wouldn't grand pick my husband up from the hospital under those circumstances either.

First of all, because he has shouted at you and told you it's wife work to collect her husband who in return has never bothered to learn how to drive and thus cannot ever return the favour.

Secondly, because it is not safe. Driving down snowy, icy, hilly roads without winter tyres is pure madness and you are not only risking your own life but also others. There is a reason why not having winter tyres is illegal between Dec 1st and March 31st in places like Sweden.You are potentially putting the NHS under even more pressure by risking it.

rookiemere · 08/02/2021 16:58

I suppose if I'm being kind to him, if he doesn't drive he doesn't know how treacherous snowy country roads can be at nighttime.

Dontbeme · 08/02/2021 16:59

@Derbee

If my DH was refusing to pick me up from hospital after an operation, I would be thinking it was the end of the relationship, and divorce was not far away. As for people saying he’s abisibe for shouting at you - I’d end up shouting in a discussion where my spouse was being so selfish and awful
So OP should have divorced this yahoo when She had to pay a friend to collect her from the hospital when she was having a procedure then shouldn't she. Or is it one set of standards for "D"H and another for the little wife?
Derbee · 08/02/2021 17:03

@Dontbeme the militant man hating on MN is tiring. The husband doesn’t drive, so how could he pick her up? She DOES drive, so it’s not the same.

Lampzade · 08/02/2021 17:03

I wouldn’t pick my husband up, simply because I don’t drive in snow or ice
A few years ago, I was nearly involved in an accident and I promised myself that I would never drive in the snow again
I have parked my car in the garage and it will not be coming out until the snow clears
Op, don’t listen to posters who advise you to pick him up. If you are not confident about driving in the snow you are a risk to yourself and others
He needs to order a taxi. It’s as simple as that

TheyIsMyFamily · 08/02/2021 17:06

I wouldn't pick him up under the circumstances, having read all of OP's posts.

He shouted at her.

He told her 'that's what we do'. But it isn't. He doesn't drive and refuses to contribute to the costs of the car, while expecting OP to drive him when necessary and pick him up on demand.

He wouldn't and doesn't do the same for her. OP has to pay for her own taxis under like circumstances; he doesn't contribute to those either since he doesn't drive.

I'd also question, though, why you're married to this man, OP.

VexedofVirginiaWater · 08/02/2021 17:07

@Derbee

If my DH was refusing to pick me up from hospital after an operation, I would be thinking it was the end of the relationship, and divorce was not far away. As for people saying he’s abisibe for shouting at you - I’d end up shouting in a discussion where my spouse was being so selfish and awful
@Derbee - have you read the OP's post where she says he won't contribute to the cost of running the car because he doesn't drive - and yet he expects to be taxied about in it?

Have you read the bit where he says that's what wives do (but not husbands apparently)? What would happen if the OP had to have an operation?

I know which of them I think is selfish and awful. But I agree with you in that I think it should be the end of the relationship.

Just had a thought - are you the OP's DH?

Marley20 · 08/02/2021 17:08

If you don't feel safe doing it then don't. He's a big boy now and he can get a taxi. As for the shouting and 'that's what wives do', he'd be told not this one love, get over it. Then again my husband wouldn't shout at me as that would be the least likely way to get me to do what he wanted. If you're asking someone for help, you're more likely to get it by being nice. I'd refuse purely on the way he's treated you over this.

ptumbi · 08/02/2021 17:10

The snow is not the problem. It's the ice. I don't like driving in ice, and I've been driving since 1982. I don't mind any other conditions - fog, rain, heatwave or snow - but I don't like driving in ice, especially in rural areas.

I've had enough near misses, thanks.

Plus - any man that demanded that I do it as I'm a wife, would find that I do not get ordered to do anything, husband or not.

Dontbeme · 08/02/2021 17:10

[quote Derbee]@Dontbeme the militant man hating on MN is tiring. The husband doesn’t drive, so how could he pick her up? She DOES drive, so it’s not the same.[/quote]
Why could he not pay for the OP's taxi then if he doesn't drive? Maybe even travel with the friend to collect OP, or is that man hating to ask that?

TheSilveryPussycat · 08/02/2021 17:10

I would be in utter terror driving 25 miles and back in snowy conditions. And it would take me ages as I would be too scared to drive anything approaching my usual speed.

I once had to drive home 10 miles on freshly fallen snow, so I know I would be terrified.

In previous times when I was younger I drove in the snow OK.

So I would not drive, but would get a taxi to collect him. A local taxi, obvs.

If you do drive in snow, my DF told me to drive in the highest gear you are OK with,

CantBeAssed · 08/02/2021 17:11

Im assume your dh is well aware of your reluctance to drive in snow prior to this operation. Seems he is suiting himself and being a bit unreasonable..if it isnt an emergency operation he would be better to reschedule...
Fingers crossed that you are snowed in in 10feet of snow and that will sort it out for you opGrin

RandomMess · 08/02/2021 17:11

I've been in hospital recently, DH doesn't drive. He arranged a taxi to pick us both up from the hospital, think he had walked there as we're fairly local. Taxi paid with our money, the car is paid with out money.

If my DH had one rule for me - you sort your own lift out for hospital trips or phone a friend and pay for it but another for him - you pick me up in your car that you pay for because I refuse to contribute I don't think we would be married!

woodhill · 08/02/2021 17:12

I wouldn't want to drive either and he shouldn't shout at you

CorianderBee · 08/02/2021 17:14

I have a condition which means that even a blood test means my blood pressure drops and I faint.

Do you have any idea what it's like to leave hospital... confused, cold, forgetful, terrified.

If you love them go fucking pick them up.

wishywashywoowoo70 · 08/02/2021 17:15

If he doesn't contribute towards the car bit expects lifts in it wherever he wants to go is tell him to bugger off. I
Is it used for other things that benefit him like day trips, shopping, local errands or appointments? If so he should bloody well pay for it.

HollowTalk · 08/02/2021 17:18

So in his view, wives should pay for their own cars and risk driving in conditions where they feel very unsafe. Is he usually a complete knob? What does he think the husband's role should be?

pinkyredrose · 08/02/2021 17:19

I'd pick him up, he'll need looking after if he's had GA. Get yourself advanced driving lessons when you can, it'll help your confidence.

More worried about him shouting, does he do that often?

ChiaraRimini · 08/02/2021 17:21

If he is having a general anaesthetic then it is not appropriate for him to get a taxi home alone afterwards. I had day surgery a while ago and the hospital were very clear about this. He will need another adult to take care of him. If necessary OP you will need to find somewhere for both of you to stay overnight nearby and drive back in the morning, or you could accompany him in the taxi.

Tinacollada · 08/02/2021 17:23

C*orrianderbee
*
Do you tell you're significant other "that's just what they should do" ?!

What a lot of pressure for the OP and what's sounds like it a horrible, shouty partner

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