To say I can't pick him up?

[hurryupsummer2]

My husband has a day operation this week - something that could probably be easily moved but he won't.

He wants me to collect him from the hospital at 9pm, but I'm very worried because we have deep snow, and I am nervous about driving in it. I never drive in snow or Ice, and my car is definitely not built for it. I am having worries about accidents.

The hospital is 25 miles away, which includes country roads and roads that won't be gritted. I've suggested he gets a taxi but he shouted at me and told me no, I will collect him, because 'that's what wives do'. He will have had a general anaesthetic and he thinks I'm awful to not pick him up. The taxi would cost around £60-£70.

For background, I am the only driver and it is my car, which I pay for and insure etc on my own.

My Dad doesn't drive because he has anxiety around it. My Mum has driven him around for 50 years. I empathise with him as I am also an anxious driver but I think it is massively unfair on my Mum and in some ways he uses it to control her as, for example, she can't visit us without him as he will be trapped at home.

I don't think you should be forced to drive in dangerous conditions. I don't drive but I don't think I am entitled to make other people drive me around when they are not comfortable doing so. There is no reason he can't get a taxi.

Actually considering the journey (25 miles heavy snow at night on country lanes) my DH would insist I didn't pick him up!

I hate this idea that - very sensibly - not wanting to drive in ice and snow at night makes the OP into some sort of nervous nellie. I'm in Scotland and during heavy snow fall people have had to abandon their cars to get up the long hill out of town - and this is a gritted main road in Edinburgh, never mind the side streets.
It would be foolish to attempt a nighttime journey if you're rural with hills if there is heavy snow.

Taxi there and back seems sensible, but only on the proviso that the DH pays for it, or drive there, pick him up and stay in a cheap hotel for the night.
Doesn't sound like he has been particularly attentive when OP had to be in hospital before. To be honest he sounds like a mean and unpleasant man, but I'd still not expect him to make his own way back after an operation with GA.

OP

Well doesn't he sound like a right nasty piece of work.

I'm sure this is the tip of the iceberg.

He doesn't drive and refuses to contribute to the cost of the car but thinks you should be available to taxi him even in awful weather.

In snow conditions I think you are correct.
You are not confident in these conditions.
If you crash I can only imagine the abuse you would get.

He sounds as if he is comfortable shouting at you.

A decent husband and man would prefer you to be safe, and would book a taxi.

The safe option for sure.

OP, if he is as selfish and nasty as he sounds, Women's Aid would be a great resource for you to contact for information and support.

If the OP had and operation she would have to get a taxi wouldn't she?

Ive had two bad accidents in Snow ... country roads in Scotland.. and I drive a 4x4 ❄️

Not a chance I would take any risks and especially in the dark ... Fuck No

Taxi might be safer .. who knows .. but shouting at you is not helpful 🌺

I'd refuse personally, just because you have a car doesn't mean you're his personal taxi, especially when he doesn't drive. I would however feel different if you both drove and he collected you when you need it. But depending how dangerous the roads were I wouldn't be driving in heavy snow for something that's not urgent and can be rearranged

Honestly, if possible stay in a hotel/b&b near the hospital for the night. The last thing you want to do is get stuck on the way there or back in the snow. Hopefully the hospital should be able to recommend somewhere nearby that is open and the hospital uses.

Otherwise you could get a taxi there and back. However depending on the weather conditions the taxi might refuse the return journey.

To be honest if road conditions are bad in the morning not all staff will be able to get to the hospital and routine operations are normally the first to be cancelled.

Could you speak to the hospital and ask them what they suggest? It's obviously a rural area, so this can't be unprecedented. Maybe he can just stay overnight? Or round us, there is a volunteer service with 4X4sfor hospital appointments. They might be able to get him home?

@Cadent how is it acceptable at this late stage to just move the operation. Do you not think the NHS is under enough pressure without people deciding they will move their operation dates as try please?

Your husband should not WANT you to drive when it's dark, icy and unsafe.

People saying she should do it are completely unreasonable!! If it's not safe why would the husband WANT to put his wife at risk?! Very selfish. He should take a cab

Not read all the comments but I completely understand where you are coming from OP as I'm a nervous wreck driving and definitely wouldn't drive in the snow! I'm actually so bad that my husband wouldn't think to ask me and we'd probably arrange other transport, just because he knows how bad my anxiety is! I wish I wasn't like this...

I also think that stubbornly insisting on having the operation now, with weather warnings having been in place for a while now, means it's his problem to solve.

We’ve got heavy snow here; about 7 inches with massive drifts , and the message is loud and clear: please stay home if you possibly can. Highways and police are overrun rescuing people and farmers are out clearing roads with tractors. I think he’s being really selfish tbh and I wouldn’t go during the day, never mind at night!

If OP can't drive to pick him up due to weather conditions, she should ski there and carry him home in a piggyback.

It's what wives do.

@DicklessWonder

Plus the fact the OP is not confident about driving a long distance in the snow in a car that's not designed for it.

All cars can be driven in snow.

OP, is there anyone you or your DH know who could pick him up ideally in a 4x4 but basically anyone who doesn't mind driving in adverse weather conditions? Friend, neighbour, relative?

There is nothing magical about a 4x4 in snow. Fat tyres are not best for driving in snow, for one, and being heavier they will struggle to correct slips quickly.

Best car in snow is a Fiat Panda with skinny tyres.

Driver ability is key though. I don’t know why so many people can’t be arsed to learn how to drive in snow.

Can’t be arsed to is a strange way to look at it. We live very near the coast so very rarely any snow, and very rarely get any that actually sticks! So since I learnt to drive decades ago, I can literally count on one hand the amount of times we’ve had so much snow it would affect driving conditions. So not much opportunity to practise!

It would be a huge fat 'no' from me. He refused to pay for towards your family car but expects to be driven around in it.

You have to get taxi's and therefore so can he.

What an absolute prick. Even my pathetic ex wouldn't have expected me to go out at night in dangerous conditions in thick snow. Nor would I expect anyone to do that for me. Selfish entitled man!

If you had been in for an operation.. And your husband could drive.

Would you get a taxi.

All very well saying OP needs to get more confident as a driver, but the time to do that is not in the dark, with an amber weather warning and freezing temperatures. They'll both be in the hospital at that rate.

He either needs to arrange alternative transport, although it sounds like a taxi wouldn't fare that well either, or an alternative date.

I’m sorry you’ve had so many harsh replies. I can completely understand you not wanting to drive in heavy snow if you have to go down country lanes etc there is both a risk that you get stuck or have an accident. Based on what you’ve said re the lack of urgency of the operation I don’t think it’s unreasonable to suggest a taxi home. I’m also concerned that he expects you to collect him, has shouted at you but doesn’t see it as his role to contribute to the running costs of the car.

@hurryupsummer2

It isn't an urgent operation, and yes it could be moved (can't say what it is as its outing, but it's something not many people would have as it's related to a condition). It isn't time critical and it was going to happen in April, but he wanted it earlier because it's quieter at work in February. But that's all besides the point. I'm very worried about having an accident, we live rurally and the route includes country roads and hills that are often shut due to snow. I'm a nervous driver anyway and would rather not drive at all

If that's the case I would definitely get him to take a taxi. It shouldn't make much difference to him apart from the cost, but it's a one off.

"To be honest if road conditions are bad in the morning not all staff will be able to get to the hospital and routine operations are normally the first to be cancelled."

^^ a good point from Purplecorkheart

OP's DH should, obviously, check in the morning before leaving to save a wasted journey.

And 9.00.pm seems late to discharge a patient, can't that be brought forward in view of the weather conditions?

The weather forecast is bleak, I would personally say cancel the op.

Where I work, you're not allowed to take yourself home without someone with you.

I wouldn’t drive 25 miles in these conditions either, so, no, not all wives do!

@Bubblemonkey

Where I work, you're not allowed to take yourself home without someone with you.

after general anaesthetics