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AIBU?

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Original poster

To say I can't pick him up?

999 replies

hurryupsummer2 · 08/02/2021 13:21

My husband has a day operation this week - something that could probably be easily moved but he won't.

He wants me to collect him from the hospital at 9pm, but I'm very worried because we have deep snow, and I am nervous about driving in it. I never drive in snow or Ice, and my car is definitely not built for it. I am having worries about accidents.

The hospital is 25 miles away, which includes country roads and roads that won't be gritted. I've suggested he gets a taxi but he shouted at me and told me no, I will collect him, because 'that's what wives do'. He will have had a general anaesthetic and he thinks I'm awful to not pick him up. The taxi would cost around £60-£70.

For background, I am the only driver and it is my car, which I pay for and insure etc on my own.

OP posts:
VintageStitchers · 08/02/2021 16:12

Don’t do it. Stand firm and insist he gets a taxi home.

I bet all those telling you to collect him live in towns or cities. Hmm

If you lived around here, no rural roads are gritted and I definitely wouldn’t be driving on our local narrow icy roads with deep ditches at the sides.

mootymoo · 08/02/2021 16:12

Ps I've driven in snow today, up a 1 in 5 hill. Modern cars are ok as long as you drive slowly and smoothly

Giddly · 08/02/2021 16:13

We don't know what weather is predicted where OP lives but have none of you seen the weather warnings telling people not to drive in some places? You are widely understimating both the risks, and the anxiety of an inexperienced driver. What if she gets there and can't get home? Driving in snow can be really dangerous, particularly if you don't have winter tires or a smaller, lighter car. If she's inexperienced and anxious she is putting both herself and her husband at risk. I would certainly rather get a taxi with an experienced, confident driver, or, if possible postpone the op (assuming this really could be done fairly easily) than know I was causing my DP huge anxiety (with possible good reason) and possibly putting us both at risk.

Eckhart · 08/02/2021 16:14

Do you actually want him to come back, OP?!

Guineapigsarepigs · 08/02/2021 16:14

It would be irresponsible to drive if you can't do it safely. The time to learn winter driving is not when you have a post operative patient in the car with you.

A safe but inconvenient journey could be filed under 'in sickness and in health'. This isn't that.

Campions · 08/02/2021 16:14

You could ask whoever is taking him to bring him home Hmm

Or assuming this is a genuine issue, buy some tyre socks. They will give you grip in the snow, aren't expensive and take seconds to put on.

WolfClan · 08/02/2021 16:15

Maybe go and pick him up in a taxi. I dont think you should leave him with a strange after he's had an op however minor. I also hate driving - and would never do it in the snow. I would go and pick him up in a cab. Its a lot of money, but worth it if you can make sure he is safe.

MrsWooster · 08/02/2021 16:15

I haven’t rtft but I’d be distinctly bumfaced if my ‘d’h shouted at me that “it’s what wives do” and I would be even less pleased about his unwillingness to contribute to a car to which he seems to feel entitled. Before anyone asks, I’d be happy to get a taxi there and back in the reverse though would expect to be cosseted when I got home and played the wounded soldier for a bit

VexedofVirginiaWater · 08/02/2021 16:16

he shouted at me and told me no, I will collect him, because 'that's what wives do'.

But apparently not what husbands do as he doesn't drive.

he doesn't want to pay towards the car. It's not me being possessive over it. He doesn't think he should pay as he doesn't drive it.

But he wants to be driven in it - buckshee. People who don't drive have to take public transport or taxis. If you have an accident, it's you who will have to fork out for the excess and increased insurance premium - but apparently that must be what wives do.

I hate him and I don't even know him.

VintageStitchers · 08/02/2021 16:17

I’ve had two OPs in our nearest hospital that’s a 90min drive away.
My DH is a very nervous driver and won’t drive further than our local town so on both occasions I’ve had to arrange lifts or catch the bus.

You can’t force your spouse to be your unofficial taxi driver. That’s very unreasonable.

Greenevalley · 08/02/2021 16:17

I used to work in a hospital in the dales. I'm a confident driver but in really bad snow and ice I would be thankful to get there in one piece.
Some country lanes are treacherous.

A nervous driver is a danger to everyone on the road in snow. I once followed someone who kept braking instead of maintaining a slow speed. It was a nightmare.

RowanAlong · 08/02/2021 16:17

I understand your concerns about driving In snow in rural areas. But I wouldn’t put up with him shouting about it. Why don’t you book a taxi but go in it to meet him? Then you can get home safe together. If you can afford it and it’s stressing you out then it’s prob worth the money.

londongirl12 · 08/02/2021 16:17

You still haven't answered how he's getting to the hospital? Are you driving him there?

Happyhappyday · 08/02/2021 16:17

All cars CANNOT be driven in snow! With chains lots of cars can manage it but hills & heavy snow can cause a lot of problems, especially for a lightweight, low clearance car. It does depend what you mean by heavy snow though, an inch or two is no big deal but 6”+ can definitely make driving really difficult.

I don’t OP is unreasonable, but I also can’t imagine a world where my husband and I wouldn’t have carefully discussed what was best for both of us, and he would never shout at me for being uncomfortable, In our case he is an extremely nervous driver and I would literally never ask him to drive a dark 50 miles in the snow, even to pick me up from an op and we have a fully equipped snow car. We’d figure out friends or family to help, or look at staying in a hotel close to the hospital etc.

He had a voluntary op (private knee surgery) when our Dd was 6 weeks old and I was in the depths of post natal depression, his parents picked him up, his sister came to stay with me overnight, no one thought it was unreasonable that we discussed it and came up with a plan that meant he got home safely and I didn’t spend the night terrified of being alone.

Crystalclair · 08/02/2021 16:18

"In our house we..."

"Why don't you have a joint account?"

"I'd pick my DH up, and he would not hesitate to do the same for me"

"Why doesn't he drive?"

"You should be able to drive in the snow"

Literally pointless crap responses that give zero help to a person who feels anxious about her safety, driving in the snow.

You can't simply tell some who feels anxious, not to be! It doesn't work like that.

I'm sure she's not refusing because she doesn't care.

I feel the same as OP, and wouldn't do it. I love my partner. It bares no relevance on my feelings towards him.

Mn is bollocks at times.

Mummyoflittledragon · 08/02/2021 16:19

@Cadent

Because he doesn't want to pay towards the car. It's not me being possessive over it. He doesn't think he should pay as he doesn't drive it.

Even more of a reason to make him get a taxi. He is a controlling AND financially abusive arse.

I agree with the above and wouldn’t pick him up.

This plus people are being warned by the Met Office not to drive. Storm Darcy is on the way and if your roads are not clear, they could be a death trap.

Kokosrieksts · 08/02/2021 16:20

If I really didn’t feel safe to to drive, I’d take a taxi both ways and pay it.
I would be very disappointed if my husband said he couldn’t be bothered picking me up because there’s a little snow on the ground.

LookItsMeAgain · 08/02/2021 16:20

One other thing caught my eye - if your husband doesn't pay towards the upkeep and maintenance of the car, all of that money that he is 'saving' because he doesn't drive it or use it..he'd be using it here wouldn't he?? So, if he doesn't pay to use the car, he could pay for a private transfer company to collect him from the hospital and bring him home to you. There are such companies and services around. Different from the regular taxi service you would see.

saraclara · 08/02/2021 16:21

I live semi-rurally. If it snows heavily I can't even get my car out of my road. And on the rare occasion that I can, even driving to the supermarket five minutes' drive away, is treacherous.

If OP's DH doesn't drive, he probably doesn't have a clue how dangerous it is and how scary at times. And I'm a very experienced and capable driver.

Nanny0gg · 08/02/2021 16:21

@clpsmum

Why on earth would you not want to lick your husband up??? The weather could be completely different by then and even if it's not you should Still go. You are being very unreasonable to expect your husband to change the date of an operation in the middle of a pandemic as you don't have to collect him. I'm glad I don't have friends like you never mind a spouse
Ah well, if they end up in a ditch or crashed into a wall, I'm sure he'll still be really grateful she came to pick him up.
Skysblue · 08/02/2021 16:22

Tricky and much depends on where you are and how urgent the op is / how hard it would be to move it. If he’s had a general anaesthetic then he does need someone to look after him and make decisions for him. And that is one of the things spouses do, although obviously he shouldn’t have shouted at you.

Can you perhaps take a taxi there and a taxi back? That way you don’t have to drive but he has someone to rely on? Or if the snow is only a couple of inches, just drive v v slow?

When I had a general anaesthetic and was trying to get from hospital to carpark I semi-collapsed on the way and DH had to sort out a wheelchair and assist me into car etc, a taxi driver won’t do that and can’t even be relied upon to definitely turn up. Also if his driving is jolting DH and causing pain you need to be there to boss the drivier about etc.

I would feel incredibly let down by DH if he told me to take a taxi home after an operation.

If you can’t drive and refuse to take a taxi there so you can be with him then I guess he should ask about moving the op, unless it’s a cancer investigation or something similarly urgent.

BubblingAlong · 08/02/2021 16:22

I would want to pick him up, but then if I didn't and told DH why he wouldn't shout at me

WeAllHaveWings · 08/02/2021 16:24

Do not cancel the op, these things cannot be "easily moved" Hmm the NHS is struggling enough without no shows or last minute cancellations.

If you genuinely cannot drive safely in a bit of snow, rather than you don't think the reason is important enough, then don't. He needs to find another way home, but personally I wouldn't be using a taxi in a pandemic if I could avoid it.

Mummyoflittledragon · 08/02/2021 16:24

Kokos
How do you know it will be “a little snow on the ground” though? Your second comment contradicts your first.

A little snow on the ground in the south can translate to a fuckton in rural areas, especially north of Watford Gap.

I’ve posted a pic rather than a Sun link....

To say I can't pick him up?
saraclara · 08/02/2021 16:25

@Playnoh

If you are not a confident driver you shouldn’t be driving at all. Your husband needs you to pick him up, he won’t be able to drive home self. Come on op, you must know yabu.
I'm guessing you don't live rurally, 25 miles from the nearest hospital.

I am a confident and experienced driver, but no way would I drive 25 miles on the roads near me, at night, in deep snow. That would be insanity, not confidence.

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