To say I can't pick him up?

[hurryupsummer2]

My husband has a day operation this week - something that could probably be easily moved but he won't.

He wants me to collect him from the hospital at 9pm, but I'm very worried because we have deep snow, and I am nervous about driving in it. I never drive in snow or Ice, and my car is definitely not built for it. I am having worries about accidents.

The hospital is 25 miles away, which includes country roads and roads that won't be gritted. I've suggested he gets a taxi but he shouted at me and told me no, I will collect him, because 'that's what wives do'. He will have had a general anaesthetic and he thinks I'm awful to not pick him up. The taxi would cost around £60-£70.

For background, I am the only driver and it is my car, which I pay for and insure etc on my own.

The thing is , for all those declaring of COURSE they would pick up their dp. I can’t help but wonder if they have ever driven in proper snow or lived somewhere hilly. No matter how confident you are there reaches a point where it’s just not safe and the locals are shaking their heads at the idiots who try and end up needing to be rescued. This happened recently to me when I broke a bone and had to get to a&e. I walked ten minutes to the main road and took an Uber because driving from our house to the main road was not possible (main roads were gritted my road was not!).

I would go back to your DP on this and tell him of course you will pick him up if able to but you were just planning for worst case scenario. But it sounds like you have bigger problems with him!

I don’t like driving in snow either. And given your husband doesn’t drive and wouldn’t pick you up in the same situation, I would take a taxi to go and collect him. He really doesn’t sound very pleasant though, so I would only do that if he was a bit grateful. He will need to have arranged transport in order to have the operation, I would think. I think often non drivers don’t appreciate drivers.

OP - if you do decide to pick him up - go in the daylight this afternoon even if you're so very early - that way you will see much better going and ''know'' the road better for driving back in dark.

If the OP doesn't want to drive, the obvious solution is that she gets a taxi to the hospital and a taxi back with him.

I especially love the poster who tells OP to drive to get him, because 'a taxi might not want to pick him up because of the snow conditions'. Thus expecting a nervous driver inexperienced in snow and ice to out-perform a professional driver.

I wouldn't do it, and I am very experienced in snow/ice, but add in the dark and it takes it up a notch. And no, the way to drive in snow and ice is not to 'go slowly'. That's how you get stuck on inclines. Snow driving is a skill that is not learned best learned by following tips from mumsnet in the dark

If I was the one going into hospital I wouldn't want my significant other putting themselves at risk on icy roads when a taxi was available.

Weird how people are siding with this very unpleasant shouty man who wants all the perks of a chauffeured car without paying for them.

@hurryupsummer2

Why on earth do you not have a joint bank account. I don’t understand this “my car” “my insurance”. You are married. You are a family unit.

Because he doesn't want to pay towards the car. It's not me being possessive over it. He doesn't think he should pay as he doesn't drive it.

He refuses to pay for a car he doesn’t drive. Fine.

He doesn’t get to dictate that the car and it’s driver be used as his own personal taxi when it suits him.

Id tell him to go swivel to be frank OP.

As to you feeling nervous/unsafe. I am with you on this OP. Even with all the preparation in the world it’s your skill and confidence that will get you there and back safely. I’ve driven in heavy, sudden snow and it requires a lot of practice, confidence and skill some of us don’t have or never see enough snow to gain. I’d especially not want to drive my vulnerable DH back and risk an accident or getting stuck overnight in the snow after a medical procedure.

I’d suggest he put off the appointment and not be a knob about it, find out if there’s any way for an overnight stay post op and if that’s not available taxi. But beware taxis themselves may not run in such weather.

He’s being an arse all around.

Why aren't you answering how he's getting there in the morning?

@hurryupsummer2

Why on earth do you not have a joint bank account. I don’t understand this “my car” “my insurance”. You are married. You are a family unit.

Because he doesn't want to pay towards the car. It's not me being possessive over it. He doesn't think he should pay as he doesn't drive it.

Then he should be paying towards every journey he makes in it. And I'd be using HMRC rates! To get the benefit and expect to not contribute is incredibly entitled!

This is a nasty thread.

If a driver is not confident in extreme weather conditions, they should not make the journey. That's the advice from road traffic authorities and the emergency services - they don't want to be pulling post-op patients out of ditches in a pandemic any more than the OP wants to be in the ditch in the first place.

Your DH cannot dictate that you drive. On the other hand, you should figure out a way you can be there to collect him.

If the roads are not passable, his operation will need to be rescheduled anyway.

I don't think you should do it, but if you do, remember that main roads will probably be cleared and salted, and that if you do need to drive in snow, you need the highest gear and slowest speed.

OP I totally get it. The prospect of driving in heavy snow, down rural roads that have not likely been gritted, in the dark is not the most welcoming idea, even for confident drivers let alone if you get nervous.

I understand why your husband wants you there, however he doesn't have a right to shout at you. If he benefits from your car regularly he ought to be contributing to any costs too.

if you do decide to pick him up, this link has some really helpful advice on being prepared and how to safely as possible drive in poor weather conditions www.rac.co.uk/drive/advice/winter-driving/driving-in-snow/

If my partner said "That's what wives do" to me, about anything, I certainly wouldn't be doing it.

i wouldnt drive on back roads or lanes in the snow-i am the driver but my dh pays for the car so i occasinally take him to work

I'm also a nervous driver, it doesn't mean I'm completely incompetent, I just stick to roads I'm confident to drive on and avoid snow and ice like the plague where possible. Being a nervous driver is just something my family is used to and accept. People are nervous of all sorts of things in life, flying, dogs, heights, etc, and don't get derided for it. Definitely nobody would shout because I refused to drive a 50 mile round trip on country lanes in snow where my nerves may make me a danger to myself or others. The answer OP is do what I recently did to collect a relative, you take a taxi there and back so you can travel home with him. You'll do him no good at all after his GA being a bundle of nerves driving your own car, gripping the steering wheel the whole way home!

Sorry to be committing the cardinal sin of replying before reading all but I will forget this if I don't

Can you do some driving in the snow in the days before his operation, or do you not have any where you are yet?

It's not a bad skill to acquire if you live rurally and are the only driver in the household. I'll bet you can think of somewhere quiet nearby where you can take it at your own pace.

He would not be able to leave without a lift, I don't think they would allow a taxi.

I have never been allowed to take a taxi home from any surgeries, even when I had no one who could or would come and get me. If no one could pick me up, I had to stay in; and then you get treated like you’re in the way. I also wasn’t allowed to stay in a hotel, or be alone.

Is he allowed any of those things? You don’t seem to have answered that.

Anyone else curious what sort of non-urgent operation that has apparently already been re-scheduled for convenience and could easily be again? Must really piss off all those people who can't get important treatment.

I would have offered to, or would pick him up by taxi, for company sake, if I didn't feel safe driving.

However, after this:
but he shouted at me and told me no, I will collect him, because 'that's what wives do'
my only reply would be that I will not and that's what wives do when they are shouted at and told what to do.

I hope he is a great husband otherwise, but from what you say in relation to the car and based on this example, you may want to evaluate your relationship as a whole. This won't be a single episode.

He may not be allowed to get a taxi the same day as having a general anaesthetic. Our hospital will only discharge following a general the same day if friend or family member is collecting and the person has someone to stay with them overnight. If there’s no friend or family to collect and look after overnight then they have to stay in hospital until the next day.

I think you are being perfectly reasonable to tell him you can't pick him up if the roads are bad OP. There is no way I could or would do it either and your DH should understand that. If he doesn't drive he cannot tell you what you do/don't feel safe doing.

There are horrendous photos in the news of stuck cars at the moment, why would anyone risk themselves and add to that? I would even suggest he stays in a nearby hotel if the weather is that bad (and there is one available). I certainly wouldn't drive in the car either. Last night the main dual carriageway that we have to drive on to get to my village was a total whiteout. Road was completely white and there was a ferocious blizzard.

Why on earth would you not want to lick your husband up??? The weather could be completely different by then and even if it's not you should Still go. You are being very unreasonable to expect your husband to change the date of an operation in the middle of a pandemic as you don't have to collect him. I'm glad I don't have friends like you never mind a spouse

If it's day surgery generally you have to arrive around 7.30am, how is he getting there? I'm guessing it's private because otherwise you are being very very unreasonable even suggesting the date is changed

I think there are two things here that are getting combined into one and I think they need to be kept separate.
The driving in the snow (which is probably what @hurryupsummer2 will be doing to get her husband to his day procedure) which is more than likely going to be done in daylight and
driving in the snow at night (which is what her husband wants her to do in order to collect him following his day procedure).
I'm wondering @hurryupsummer2, if your husband has a reaction to the general anaesthetic, the hospital would have to keep him overnight, right? So, why can't they keep him in overnight and you can drive to collect him in daylight? Does he have to be collected the same day?
Just a thought....