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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DH lost laptop and now assignment will be late

417 replies

FuckingFabulous · 08/02/2021 09:22

Ok, before I start, he's not horrible and I don't need to LTB. He has ADHD, but at the moment I'm too cross to consider that relevant, even though it definitely is.

I have an assignment due at midday on Wednesday for my degree. I already had a weeks extension because I'm a carer for DD and her condition has been worsening lately. I've been called by the hospital this morning and been given a last minute appointment for our DD, so she is going into hospital tomorrow for tests and I'm accompanying her. I intended to shut myself away with my notes and drafts today, get it all typed up, edit and send. DH knows this was my plan anyway, but I would probably have proofread on Tuesday and then sent. Due to the high needs of DD, this one day "off" to type everything from my notes works well for me.

Anyway. I've gone to get my laptop. It's not there. DH was the last person to use it to update his CV about a fortnight ago. I asked DH for it but he said he wasn't sure where he had put it and he didn't know if he'd be able to find it. He then went into a massive speech about how we both need to organise and sort our bedroom today and that he can't be expected to do it on his own, that the laptop is likely to be in any one of the stacks of stuff in there.

He only can't find it because over the last week he has taken it upon himself to create piles and piles of shit everywhere in our bedroom (clothes he was sorting, tools he was sorting, paperwork he was sorting, stuff for the loft he was sorting) and as much as it pisses me off, I've not helped him because he did half a job like always and expected me to project manage and do most of it myself. I took a stand and told him that this is not my problem to sort, it's his, and then did nothing except remind him that it's not going to sort itself (while inwardly seething about it and pep talking myself into ignoring all the stuff).

He's definitely not the type to hide my laptop so I have to help him sort the mess he's created, he's more likely to have simply bundled it into his piles of random stuff and didn't pay attention to where.

But I'm fuming. Absolutely fucking fuming. I've gone upstairs and DH is just sitting on the edge of the bed staring at all his stacks, obviously overwhelmed by the huge amount of work he's created for me himself and waiting for me to come and sort it all out!! I feel he's been totally inconsiderate, both of my course and of my belongings, and I'm feeling very upset, very unsupported and very fucking angry!! I've just had to ask my tutor for another extension, which makes me look bad and makes me feel like a piss taker. I am so angry. I've told DH that I am feeling this way and that he can get on with finding my laptop and he's still not moved but is now giving me the silent treatment.

AIBU to expect him to damn well find it?! And to apologise for this extra stress he's created?

OP posts:
minchinfin · 08/02/2021 10:29

When you find it and going forward, always save everything to a cloud account as PP said and/or email yourself the doc so that you could then borrow a different laptop to do it if something like that happens again.

try lying on the bed and looking at the piles side on - you might spot where the laptop is.

Sparkletastic · 08/02/2021 10:29

I'd be incandescent with rage. Find your laptop and deal with DH another day. Is there anywhere that he considers 'his space' in your home? Study / shed / garage? If so I'd be moving the boxes there and telling him to sort them by xyz date otherwise they go to the tip / charity. It must be so hard for you to relax in your bedroom.

Plussizejumpsuit · 08/02/2021 10:29

I think getting on and looking for it now is best. But I honestly think living like this is going to drive you bonkers. I understand he has adhd but you and him need to put some organising things in place you make life manageable.

Or just don't share really important things. Which isn't pleasant but he can't be trusted.

mustbebetter · 08/02/2021 10:31

It really sounds like you and him need to get a collective handle on your clutter and stuff. I'm not suggesting it's your fault, and I know how obstructive partners can be in hanging onto things. However, maybe this could be the discussion you need to open up a deeper conversation about the value of decluttering, looking after posessions and general organising. Having an organised home makes a huge difference to productivity and ease of life. Sounds like he needs to get into the mode of thinking like this.

BooBahBoo · 08/02/2021 10:32

Oh I’d be ripping over this. Honestly I’d just tell him to tear the house apart to find it and then once your assignment is in, you can have very strong words about the state of the place due to his half arsed attitude and get him to get it sorted.

Degrees are stressful enough without all the extra responsibilities you have AND your partner making it worse by being reckless. You’re not being unreasonable at all.

Plussizejumpsuit · 08/02/2021 10:33

Also the people being cunts saying op is looking for an excuse need to have a look at themselves. Why go to the nastiest interpretation? Or are you just looking for somone to be unpleasant to?

Woofsaidtheladybird · 08/02/2021 10:33

How long have you had to write the essay? And no-one has used the laptop for two weeks?
I encourage my students to check in online daily....Hmm

GCAcademic · 08/02/2021 10:34

I feel stressed just reading about the state of the OP's house. I really feel for you as I could not cope with this.

I am an academic and we are being very generous with extension requests at the moment. And you have more reason than most to request one (not the lost laptop, but the situation with your daughter). So, if you need to, ask. Wishing you and DD well with the hospital visit Flowers

JackieWeaverIsTheAuthority · 08/02/2021 10:36

Stop being angry- just get stuck in and look for it.

And tbh- if you have stacks and stacks of stuff in your room to the extent you can’t find a laptop then you can’t really be surprised that important things go missing. You need to sort that issue.

Carriemac · 08/02/2021 10:36

OP you are amazing to do further study with your home situation. I'm praying to St Anthony the patron saint of lost things to help you Smile. Never fails in our house !
When the assignment is done and you have calmed son you need to sit DH down and have a serious chat about how let down you feel by his Behaviour

DameCelia · 08/02/2021 10:37

@Woofsaidtheladybird did you miss the bit where op explained using other devices for the course and only needing a laptop to type up her assignment?

IM0GEN · 08/02/2021 10:38

I think you're amazing for doing a degree with already so much responsibility

I agree.

I’d be fucking furious too. I’d suspect that your Dh has done this to sabotage you or punish you for something. I’d insist that he spends the day putting it all back in the loft had only takes out a small amount at a time, enough to sort and dispose of in one day.

TigerDragonMonkey · 08/02/2021 10:38

OP, if I were in your position right now I would send DH to look for the laptop and I would start the assignment on my phone. You can download Word or Google docs for mobile and make a start. It’s not ideal but it is possible to write the whole thing on a smart phone if the laptop doesn’t turn up today. If you happen to have a Bluetooth keyboard then even better!

Sporranrummager · 08/02/2021 10:38

@JackieWeaverIsTheAuthority Grin did you notice the op explaining that she didn't put the mess in the bedroom?

GetTheDebtGoneIn2021 · 08/02/2021 10:38

Good luck!

TardisThroughTime · 08/02/2021 10:38

If you post a pic of the room maybe we can find it where’s Wally style

Playnoh · 08/02/2021 10:40

How messy is it that you couldn’t find it within 30 mins!?? Surely you wouldn’t need an extension because you need to look through some plies??

JackieWeaverIsTheAuthority · 08/02/2021 10:44

[quote Sporranrummager]**@JackieWeaverIsTheAuthority* Grin did you notice the op* explaining that she didn't put the mess in the bedroom?[/quote]
Grin

No, I missed the bit where OP has no say in what happens in her own bedroom though- where she has no voice to say “no- no crap in the room” and no arms to get rid of it.

JackieWeaverIsTheAuthority · 08/02/2021 10:45

I mean, she could see the crap was building, And let it happen. You don’t just get to deflect all responsibility when you could have done something to prevent it.

slashlover · 08/02/2021 10:45

I am an academic and we are being very generous with extension requests at the moment. And you have more reason than most to request one (not the lost laptop, but the situation with your daughter). So, if you need to, ask. Wishing you and DD well with the hospital visit

I think most of the people berating the OP aren't involved in academia. It seems like every week on my course people are posting that they are deferring because of how stressful it is for them at the moment.

JohnMiddleNameRedactedSwanson · 08/02/2021 10:45

I get it, OP, and I would be furious too. I hope he hasn’t put heavy things on top of it.

JohnMiddleNameRedactedSwanson · 08/02/2021 10:46

PS hope your DD’s results are favourable x

TheSparkleJar · 08/02/2021 10:46

I missed the bit where OP has no say in what happens in her own bedroom though- where she has no voice to say “no- no crap in the room” and no arms to get rid of it.

So along with doing her degree and caring for her sick DD, she also has to micro-manage an overgrown manchild?

SonjaMorgan · 08/02/2021 10:46

How much stuff is in your bedroom that you can't find a laptop?! Just get him to find it for you.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 08/02/2021 10:48

@JackieWeaverIsTheAuthority

Stop being angry- just get stuck in and look for it.

And tbh- if you have stacks and stacks of stuff in your room to the extent you can’t find a laptop then you can’t really be surprised that important things go missing. You need to sort that issue.

Did you read what she actually typed!

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