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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DH lost laptop and now assignment will be late

417 replies

FuckingFabulous · 08/02/2021 09:22

Ok, before I start, he's not horrible and I don't need to LTB. He has ADHD, but at the moment I'm too cross to consider that relevant, even though it definitely is.

I have an assignment due at midday on Wednesday for my degree. I already had a weeks extension because I'm a carer for DD and her condition has been worsening lately. I've been called by the hospital this morning and been given a last minute appointment for our DD, so she is going into hospital tomorrow for tests and I'm accompanying her. I intended to shut myself away with my notes and drafts today, get it all typed up, edit and send. DH knows this was my plan anyway, but I would probably have proofread on Tuesday and then sent. Due to the high needs of DD, this one day "off" to type everything from my notes works well for me.

Anyway. I've gone to get my laptop. It's not there. DH was the last person to use it to update his CV about a fortnight ago. I asked DH for it but he said he wasn't sure where he had put it and he didn't know if he'd be able to find it. He then went into a massive speech about how we both need to organise and sort our bedroom today and that he can't be expected to do it on his own, that the laptop is likely to be in any one of the stacks of stuff in there.

He only can't find it because over the last week he has taken it upon himself to create piles and piles of shit everywhere in our bedroom (clothes he was sorting, tools he was sorting, paperwork he was sorting, stuff for the loft he was sorting) and as much as it pisses me off, I've not helped him because he did half a job like always and expected me to project manage and do most of it myself. I took a stand and told him that this is not my problem to sort, it's his, and then did nothing except remind him that it's not going to sort itself (while inwardly seething about it and pep talking myself into ignoring all the stuff).

He's definitely not the type to hide my laptop so I have to help him sort the mess he's created, he's more likely to have simply bundled it into his piles of random stuff and didn't pay attention to where.

But I'm fuming. Absolutely fucking fuming. I've gone upstairs and DH is just sitting on the edge of the bed staring at all his stacks, obviously overwhelmed by the huge amount of work he's created for me himself and waiting for me to come and sort it all out!! I feel he's been totally inconsiderate, both of my course and of my belongings, and I'm feeling very upset, very unsupported and very fucking angry!! I've just had to ask my tutor for another extension, which makes me look bad and makes me feel like a piss taker. I am so angry. I've told DH that I am feeling this way and that he can get on with finding my laptop and he's still not moved but is now giving me the silent treatment.

AIBU to expect him to damn well find it?! And to apologise for this extra stress he's created?

OP posts:
WhereamI88 · 09/02/2021 13:13

He needs to get some help. This isn't a way for you to live. He's just another child for you to manage but a bigger one over which you have no authority and have to tip toe around. His helplessness is not just infuriating but severely affecting the quality of your life. His attitude is selfish. Everything is about him. You have to consider HIS feelings, you have to plan for HIS failures, you have to fix HIS mistakes which all affect YOU.

Beeeees · 09/02/2021 13:29

I wonder if it would be worth buying some tiles or other trackers to put on things like your laptop just so you can find them if it happens again. Sorry if someone mentioned it already, I read all the OP posts Blush

SeaToSki · 09/02/2021 22:35

Having a DH and a DS with ADHD, here are some things that work in our house

Everything important has a place and it has to be put back instantly.
DH has a basket for his important daily stuff on the kitchen counter and all his bits go in there (wallet, car keys, paperwork etc) So he has a very regimented routine when he comes in the house and when he leaves the house so he doesnt forget anything or put something in the wrong place. The basket is out in the middle of everything so its easy for him to notice (which I dont like but needs must). When we set up the system we had a written checklist on the wall as a visual reminder. If he missed a step, (put car keys by the sink..) one of us would let him know and he would come and move the item to the correct place. His routine is now so automatic he rarely misplaces his everyday stuff.
We learned how to do this from a tutor who was helping DS set up routines for homework and getting out of the house to go to school in the morning.
Where I step in is for stuff that is out of the routine - so if he went to warm up my car, I would make sure to ask for the keys back when he came in. If he has used a important piece of family paperwork, I make sure to get it back and put it in the file when he is finished. I dont do this because I am babying him, but because we are a team and that is how I help. He helps me with various other jobs that he is better at, so it is balanced overall.

In regards to hoarding, I would suggest a conversation that it is a problem having so much stuff. Then have a huge clean out and rationalization, then come to an agreement of how many items total are appropriate for him to own (100, 500 etc). As soon as he goes above that number it is a one in one out law and no negotiating. Hopefully having a hard rule will help.

LookItsMeAgain · 12/02/2021 16:52

@FuckingFabulous - I hope you managed to get your assignment in on time (or at the very least due to circumstances) by today.
I also hope that your DH managed to clear away most or again, at least some of the clutter.

Put your feet up tonight and relax. You deserve it.

FuckingFabulous · 13/02/2021 09:10

[quote LookItsMeAgain]@FuckingFabulous - I hope you managed to get your assignment in on time (or at the very least due to circumstances) by today.
I also hope that your DH managed to clear away most or again, at least some of the clutter.

Put your feet up tonight and relax. You deserve it.[/quote]
Thank you,

I did get it done and sent in time. I've no idea if it was any good, because it was a question with so many answers and fitting it into a few thousand words required picking only one. But honestly, I've got so much on that it's amazing I managed to do it at all, really!

Especially since during the tidying DH was doing, my laptop charger and his wireless phone charging thingy went missing! I sent DH out immediately to click and collect a new laptop charger from Currys. He was wringing his hands a bit and saying "but they were right here!" I told him I didn't have the luxury of time to help him look, I needed to edit this assignment and send it, so he went and purchased the new one. The chargers turned up in the en suite. He was apparently moving them out of the way and must have the left them there when he went to blow his nose.

We've also had some units delivered for our utility

DH has put away almost all of the boxes he's keeping and I have a gigantic stack of stuff that isn't being kept. Clothing for the textile bank. Paper and card for the recycling boxes. Various bits of junk for the skip.

He's had a new shed delivered, but the flat pack is still sitting in our garden 🙄

The skip is on the driveway and it's getting filled up this weekend.

OP posts:
FuckingFabulous · 13/02/2021 09:13

Sorry, seems I deleted half a paragraph there!

We've also had some units delivered for our utility room and DH is excited about putting them up, but I've said we cannot start on that job until all of the boxes are put away and his tools and things are all back in the shed. It transpires that he needed to get a new shed because the old one we've got hasn't fared too well in the snow and frost and was finally falling to bits. If he'd share these things with me rather than randomly emptying a shed into our bedroom..... 🙄🙄🙄

OP posts:
RootyT00t · 13/02/2021 23:36

The charger. Omg
I'd be demented

FuckingFabulous · 21/02/2021 10:57

Just to update, I got 82% on my assignment. I'm pleased with that considering everything that was going on! And I've asked DH to take DD and the DS's to the park tomorrow so that I can get some of the reading and planning out of the way for the next one.

OP posts:
FuckingFabulous · 21/02/2021 10:58

Oh, and DH has a telephone appointment with his GP coming up where he is going to ask to be referred for a medication assessment.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 21/02/2021 11:04

Yeah that is great news on all 3 counts!!!

Haggisfish · 21/02/2021 11:06

That’s brilliant. Well done.

C0RAL · 21/02/2021 11:40

Well done OP.

NoCherryNoDeal · 21/02/2021 11:52

@Wrinklyeyes

How is putting it in a box in the loft any different from in a pile to put in a skip? How is the first one any better?
Really? You couldn't tell why the first one is better?
2018SoFarSoGreat · 21/02/2021 18:03

Well done on that grade. You sound like you've got this!

LookItsMeAgain · 22/02/2021 11:09

Congratulations @FuckingFabulous - you must be delighted with that result! Congratulations.

Beeeees · 22/02/2021 11:24

Well done!

CSIblonde · 22/02/2021 14:14

I'm getting that doing 4 things at a time and finishing none is a theme. I know it might blow his mind but I'd physically supervise him doing one thing from start to finish, to prove it can be done & that its less bloody hassle. Then make one thing at a time a house rule. But I'm a bossy cow.

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