DH lost laptop and now assignment will be late

[FuckingFabulous]

Ok, before I start, he's not horrible and I don't need to LTB. He has ADHD, but at the moment I'm too cross to consider that relevant, even though it definitely is.

I have an assignment due at midday on Wednesday for my degree. I already had a weeks extension because I'm a carer for DD and her condition has been worsening lately. I've been called by the hospital this morning and been given a last minute appointment for our DD, so she is going into hospital tomorrow for tests and I'm accompanying her. I intended to shut myself away with my notes and drafts today, get it all typed up, edit and send. DH knows this was my plan anyway, but I would probably have proofread on Tuesday and then sent. Due to the high needs of DD, this one day "off" to type everything from my notes works well for me.

Anyway. I've gone to get my laptop. It's not there. DH was the last person to use it to update his CV about a fortnight ago. I asked DH for it but he said he wasn't sure where he had put it and he didn't know if he'd be able to find it. He then went into a massive speech about how we both need to organise and sort our bedroom today and that he can't be expected to do it on his own, that the laptop is likely to be in any one of the stacks of stuff in there.

He only can't find it because over the last week he has taken it upon himself to create piles and piles of shit everywhere in our bedroom (clothes he was sorting, tools he was sorting, paperwork he was sorting, stuff for the loft he was sorting) and as much as it pisses me off, I've not helped him because he did half a job like always and expected me to project manage and do most of it myself. I took a stand and told him that this is not my problem to sort, it's his, and then did nothing except remind him that it's not going to sort itself (while inwardly seething about it and pep talking myself into ignoring all the stuff).

He's definitely not the type to hide my laptop so I have to help him sort the mess he's created, he's more likely to have simply bundled it into his piles of random stuff and didn't pay attention to where.

But I'm fuming. Absolutely fucking fuming. I've gone upstairs and DH is just sitting on the edge of the bed staring at all his stacks, obviously overwhelmed by the huge amount of work he's created for me himself and waiting for me to come and sort it all out!! I feel he's been totally inconsiderate, both of my course and of my belongings, and I'm feeling very upset, very unsupported and very fucking angry!! I've just had to ask my tutor for another extension, which makes me look bad and makes me feel like a piss taker. I am so angry. I've told DH that I am feeling this way and that he can get on with finding my laptop and he's still not moved but is now giving me the silent treatment.

AIBU to expect him to damn well find it?! And to apologise for this extra stress he's created?

This would be infuriating. But another vote for getting off MN and just get cracking on looking for the laptop.

Good luck op. Sounds stressful.

To be to fair to everyone saying why are you on here posting when you should be looking - if this had happened to me I would need somewhere to vent too.

Hopefully after getting it off her chest, deep breath (and some helpful tips as to where the sneaky laptop could be hiding) she'll be more productive. I'm useless when in a state.

Hope all goes well with your DD's hospital too

Hope you find it soon, Op.

It's hard to imagime that whilst filling your room with other stuff, he would have been careless enough to have dumped it on the laptop or got the laptop muddled in with it.

It's a thing that I think most people would move to a safe place!

It's very annoying. But sitting fuming isn't going to find the laptop. Get it found and then try and sort the mess later by doing a bit every day or even twice a day. Are you sure it's even in the room.

Is your DH even taking in what he's done wrong,the loss of your laptop,the state of your room and then him walking off to make himself a cup of tea?!

I would have bloody lost it with him and big time,2 of our DC are autistic but they still both have consequences and they're children your DH needs to do better.

God only knows how your coping OP bless you,it sounds like you have more than enough on your plate with your DD's needs and your studying without your DH making you be responsible for him and his actions,stop picking up after him and make it clear that he needs to find ways to get things done that he starts rather than making a mess with the knowledge that your clean it up,he doesn't get to sulk he's not the one being hard done by here you are!

you must ban him from using it in future op

It's annoying he's made such a mess and should clean up after himself however it's your assignment and if I were you I'd just look for the laptop.

Of course you should look for your laptop yourself but that does not excuse the behaviour of your DH. I don't know how you can live like that. I would ask my DP to leave if he had created a hoarders nightmare in our room then refused to clean it and made a cup of tea while I was panicking.

You're a better woman than me! I'd really struggle to complete a degree now (did one over a decade ago and know the dedication it takes) and I don't have half the responsibility as you.

Don't panic. Let us know when you find it!

@araiwa Your post really takes the cake. Why don't you kick her some more while she's down? She has a sick child and a totally useless husband-she's doing her best under difficult circumstances. Do you feel better typing nasty things to people?

@Aprilx

You are being ridiculous. How can anyone lose a laptop in a house, you must both be extremely untidy, hopeless individuals. An assignment due on Wednesday and you haven’t even got the laptop out yet. Words fail me.

Nasty. Can I ask what course you're doing at university?

I'm currently doing an OU course and can assure you that there were many people who were posting on the Facebook group the day the assignment was due (it's due at noon but there's a grace period until midnight) and there are people who got an extension who are still posting.

@AprilX well, don't you sound LOVELY.

Good luck OP!

Oh lawdy, I sympathise with you! My assignment is due in next week and I would have a serious meltdown if my work was lost. Especially with everything else you have going on!!
I now have to put my work into OneDrive so I can access it on any device as I have this fear of losing it.
Hope you find it OP x

@Aprilx

You are being ridiculous. How can anyone lose a laptop in a house, you must both be extremely untidy, hopeless individuals. An assignment due on Wednesday and you haven’t even got the laptop out yet. Words fail me.

How extremely fucking rude. Have you read OP's posts?

Send him to find it today - ask him to make it his single biggest priority. Spend that time writing the assignment onto paper, being clear on what references you are using for what points. That way, when you come to type you are not also composing and it will go much quicker.

It's the composition and finding references for every point that take the time. The typing is the quick bit.

Dh has ADD so I completely sympathise. I spend my life clearing up half finished jobs he started. At least it's in the house.

I've lost count of the number of new locks we've needed due to him losing keys

Next time upload everything to google drive or onedrive

DS1 has dystonia so I get you entirely!

I'm not sure if you'll get an extension but good luck finding it. Big deep breaths should help calm you down a bit to help you focus. If you can't find it on first look then don't panic just work your way back through systematically. If you can stay calm and have him help you you might find it quicker.

Park the anger for now and deal with the mess another day.

Picking holes in the OP's organisational skills while she's dealing with all the complications in life right now is just that: nitpicky. She's reached a pressure point and needed to vent. Haven't you ever done this?

OP, the situation you've described is one I'd find intolerable. It would drive me to absolute distraction. YANBU. Priorities first. Methodically sorting through that amount of shit piled up in your house is probably not high on the list given the stressful situation you're managing with your child. I'd be telling my DP quite firmly that if he didn't take some responsibility for his stuff I'd be sorting it and dumping it at the nearest tip. And then follow through. In the meantime can you draft in any help?

It's infuriating I know, and not what you need to be doing around a hospital trip with your child. Prioritise that first. Your essay doesn't take precedence: and I say that as a university lecturer. At my HEI there's a strict system for granting extensions, which are done through a central system, and technology problems are not deemed sufficient excuse. However, a sick child (evidence provided), husband with a debilitating condition, and horrible circumstances imposed courtesy of the pandemic absolutely are.

Lecturers do know when someone's taking the piss. People are struggling in this lockdown, and even in the best of circumstances (which yours certainly isn't) the law of diminishing returns is currently a problem for teaching staff and students alike.

Hope you find it!

Just as an example, out of this box I’ve just pulled bedsheets, tubes of decorators caulk, loose screws, three books and a photo album.

OMG! I was feeling frustrated for you until I read this but now I am completely ENRAGED. I swear I can feel my heart rate has risen. By what possible measure does he view what he is doing as ‘sorting’?!? Sorting is when you group things together so you can find them more easily. Who does he think will say to themselves “Hmm, decorators caulk? I know where to look for that. It lives in the box with the bedsheets and loose screws”?

I know that you say he has ADHD but, if he cannot see the fundamental flaw in this (lack of) reasoning then he could at least have the decency to accept that ‘sorting’ things is not something he can do. I am completely clear that I am shit at painting so I do not inflict my painting on those around me because it would be selfish and would accomplish nothing.
This is the behaviour of a deluded, self-indulgent individual. I don’t think his condition excuses it at all. I do actually think this warrants an argument (and a serious conversation).

I take it you've backed it all up offsite ?

Sounds exasperating. But surely you will be able to find it if it's in the house.

Is it a Macbook or anything like that - do you have 'find my phone' turned on? That will also show you other apple devices.

Or do you have any sort of messenger system or anything on it, and is it turned on? You could send it repeated messages and hope that it makes a noise!

Is it backed up virtually in some way? You could download the info from there onto your phone in the meantime and work on it on paper if necessary.

But if you keep taking everything out of the room, you're bound to find it eventually, and then leave him to clear it up.

For later, make sure you have an app on it that will make noise when needed, or use the Tile things that you stick to stuff that you don't want to lose, and then you can always get them to make noise (even if the laptop is off) or find them with an app on your phone (it will make hot and cold noises as you get closer/further away). We had this for my dad as he started to get dementia and would hide precious things like iPads to keep them safe, as he was getting a bit paranoid. He could find the most unusual places for things like that!! Tile was very helpful (as long as things weren't so hidden we couldn't hear it ringing).

My dh does this. You have my sympathy.
Every single time I go to get something he's moved it somewhere weird, it also costs us money as often by the time the amazon deliveries have arrived it's gone into one of his 'piles' and I tend to only order things I actually need so I then have to order it again.

I recently found a box with pritt sticks I'd ordered for dd homeschooling that I'd had to reorder, a random shower head from two house moved ago and some screwdrivers we'd had to repurchase after they'd been 'lost'. We live in a big house thank goodness. I've dedicated one room to his storage plans. Now I can go into storage room and rummage before reordering things.

Hope you find it. I'd probably wreck my house for this, take everything from one room and together move everything into the next bit by bit.
Then leave dh to clear it back up with no excuses. If he stops keep reminding him, adhd doesn't prevent you physically from helping just mentally. You can take the mental laid off and direct him that's what I do when I'm angry enough to be bothered which sounds like you are.