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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DH lost laptop and now assignment will be late

417 replies

FuckingFabulous · 08/02/2021 09:22

Ok, before I start, he's not horrible and I don't need to LTB. He has ADHD, but at the moment I'm too cross to consider that relevant, even though it definitely is.

I have an assignment due at midday on Wednesday for my degree. I already had a weeks extension because I'm a carer for DD and her condition has been worsening lately. I've been called by the hospital this morning and been given a last minute appointment for our DD, so she is going into hospital tomorrow for tests and I'm accompanying her. I intended to shut myself away with my notes and drafts today, get it all typed up, edit and send. DH knows this was my plan anyway, but I would probably have proofread on Tuesday and then sent. Due to the high needs of DD, this one day "off" to type everything from my notes works well for me.

Anyway. I've gone to get my laptop. It's not there. DH was the last person to use it to update his CV about a fortnight ago. I asked DH for it but he said he wasn't sure where he had put it and he didn't know if he'd be able to find it. He then went into a massive speech about how we both need to organise and sort our bedroom today and that he can't be expected to do it on his own, that the laptop is likely to be in any one of the stacks of stuff in there.

He only can't find it because over the last week he has taken it upon himself to create piles and piles of shit everywhere in our bedroom (clothes he was sorting, tools he was sorting, paperwork he was sorting, stuff for the loft he was sorting) and as much as it pisses me off, I've not helped him because he did half a job like always and expected me to project manage and do most of it myself. I took a stand and told him that this is not my problem to sort, it's his, and then did nothing except remind him that it's not going to sort itself (while inwardly seething about it and pep talking myself into ignoring all the stuff).

He's definitely not the type to hide my laptop so I have to help him sort the mess he's created, he's more likely to have simply bundled it into his piles of random stuff and didn't pay attention to where.

But I'm fuming. Absolutely fucking fuming. I've gone upstairs and DH is just sitting on the edge of the bed staring at all his stacks, obviously overwhelmed by the huge amount of work he's created for me himself and waiting for me to come and sort it all out!! I feel he's been totally inconsiderate, both of my course and of my belongings, and I'm feeling very upset, very unsupported and very fucking angry!! I've just had to ask my tutor for another extension, which makes me look bad and makes me feel like a piss taker. I am so angry. I've told DH that I am feeling this way and that he can get on with finding my laptop and he's still not moved but is now giving me the silent treatment.

AIBU to expect him to damn well find it?! And to apologise for this extra stress he's created?

OP posts:
FuckingFabulous · 08/02/2021 09:44

I know that ADHD makes this harder for him but I am already sick of him deciding to put all that stuff in our room to sort (because it's the biggest) and then walking away from it! Now he's lost my laptop in all of it when he absolutely knew I needed it! When people borrow things, surely it's the done thing to put it back where you got it from?

OP posts:
MatildaTheCat · 08/02/2021 09:45

I am totally exhausted just thinking about the level of chaos you must be living in if you can’t find a laptop in one room. I agree, unfortunately that you were very quick to seek that extension.

For gods sake find the laptop, get the work done and then get bloody organised. Both of you.

AllMyPrettyOnes · 08/02/2021 09:45

I don't want an extension. I want to type and send my assignment! That was the plan for today.

It isn't even 10am yet though! Get off mumsnet and start looking if you're really that bothered.

growinggreyer · 08/02/2021 09:45

It doesn't matter how much stuff is in there - you need to find the laptop, Get digging like a terrier. If he doesn't like it, he can come and put his hands on the laptop. Like hell he can't find it in a second if he needed it. Start throwing his stuff out of the window - he will appear in seconds!

TeeBee · 08/02/2021 09:45

Do you know somebody who could lend you a laptop for a day? I often lend my spare to a friend if she's having tech problems.

ErrolTheDragon · 08/02/2021 09:46

Right now you need to work together to solve the immediate problem he's created. If he's overwhelmed by it, sounds like you need to tell him what to do. Allocate him a manageable chunk.

And YANBU, OP.Thanks

Bluntness100 · 08/02/2021 09:47

How bigs the room? Just go and find it. Even if it takes half an hour, you could have done it by now.

Respectabitch · 08/02/2021 09:47

Crisis management. Find laptop, or acquire friend's laptop, now and do assignment. kill Level with DH later.

Skipsurvey · 08/02/2021 09:49

are there any libraries op?

FuckingFabulous · 08/02/2021 09:49

I've asked for an extension to Thursday, not another week. I'm expecting this to take a large part of the day, going through boxes and piles to find it. Then I'm at a hospital for two days with DD. If I can't do it today, I can't submit by the deadline. Sorry if some of you think it was too quick to ask for an extra day's extension Confused

OP posts:
ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 08/02/2021 09:49

Set a timer for 20 mins. He has got to help you search. No sorting or organising just blast through the piles. Is it there or not, if not move on.

Your understandable fury has probably led to a complete shut down from him. He literally can’t think straight. Hopefully, a timer will help him refocus.

AllMyPrettyOnes · 08/02/2021 09:50
Confused
BigBadVoodooHat · 08/02/2021 09:50

And to everyone who has said I should find it, you have no idea of the sheer scale of stuff he's filled our room with. He's practically emptied the loft and his shed into our room, emptied the boxes, repacked half the boxes in a haphazard manner and is going through it. His idea is that we can minimise. One wall in our room is almost floor to ceiling with boxes and piles.

It's still findable. Go through the piles one by one.

I'm genuinely struggling to envisage a bedroom so filled with 'stuff' that you couldn't locate a laptop by checking through the 'stuff'. It would take a bit of time, but it's not like you're looking for a diamond earring in a landfill site.

A laptop isn't teeny, it can't fall into a tiny crevice and be gone for good. They're hard to overlook.

FuckingFabulous · 08/02/2021 09:50

@Skipsurvey

are there any libraries op?
They're closed around here, unfortunately, or that's definitely where I'd be.
OP posts:
Crimblecrumble1990 · 08/02/2021 09:50

I would be irate. However I am also struggling to see how you can't just look for it? Have you tried? Has your partner tried?

Skipsurvey · 08/02/2021 09:50

search logically
it should not be at the bottom of a pile

Bluntness100 · 08/02/2021 09:51

Op were you just looking for an excuse to delay it again?

FuckingFabulous · 08/02/2021 09:51

I'm currently going through boxes while he makes himself a cup of tea. Posting on here is preventing me from exploding with rage at him

OP posts:
AllMyPrettyOnes · 08/02/2021 09:51

Under a bed? In the wardrobe?

Is it actually even in the bedroom?

DianaT1969 · 08/02/2021 09:51

Stop wasting time by posting on here. Go through all the piles yourself. First check it isn't somewhere else in the house. Do your assignment today and send. Don't use the 2nd extension.
Deal with your DH and hoarder's crap piles later in the week.

Murmurur · 08/02/2021 09:52

"He has ADHD, but at the moment I'm too cross to consider that relevant, even though it definitely is."... "I feel he's been totally inconsiderate, both of my course and of my belongings, and I'm feeling very upset, very unsupported and very fucking angry!!"

I can relate so much to this. YANBU. You have every right to feel like this.

Same4Walls · 08/02/2021 09:52

You've wasted almost 40 minutes so far typing this thread and responding to messages. You could have found it and written a few paragraphs by now. Honestly I get his clutter has stressed you out and you're frustrated but that needs to be a discussion for another day. In the kindest possible way, find the laptop ignore the mess and get on with the assignment.

Thedarknightsarelifting · 08/02/2021 09:54

I find it hard to believe you are doing a course that you can continue with, regardless of your DD’s ill health, that doesn’t require you using your laptop in a fortnight.

DH is a lecturer and would absolutely Hmm at your further extension email today.

FuckingFabulous · 08/02/2021 09:54

@Bluntness100

Op were you just looking for an excuse to delay it again?
Of course not! I don't want to have to do it while my child is in hospital, I wanted it done today, before I potentially get distressing test results for my DD. I'm already wrestling with the idea that I'm going to have to defer because of her care needs and the lack of support, and I've wanted to do this course for about twenty years, so just the thought of giving it up almost brings me to tears. I'm not a slacker who can't be bothered, I'm paying thousands for this degree. Why on earth wouldn't I want to do it? I wouldn't be bothered to post on MN about how cross I was if it was actually exactly what I wanted. Hmm
OP posts:
TeeBee · 08/02/2021 09:54

Yeah, I'd be mega pissed with him too. Systematically look for it. Start one side of the room and work your way across. I certainly wouldn't be helping him sort through his piles. Don't bail him out. Give him a deadline for having it done and then just start binning it. I used to have to do this with my ex DH otherwise we'd have lived in squalor.

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