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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DH lost laptop and now assignment will be late

417 replies

FuckingFabulous · 08/02/2021 09:22

Ok, before I start, he's not horrible and I don't need to LTB. He has ADHD, but at the moment I'm too cross to consider that relevant, even though it definitely is.

I have an assignment due at midday on Wednesday for my degree. I already had a weeks extension because I'm a carer for DD and her condition has been worsening lately. I've been called by the hospital this morning and been given a last minute appointment for our DD, so she is going into hospital tomorrow for tests and I'm accompanying her. I intended to shut myself away with my notes and drafts today, get it all typed up, edit and send. DH knows this was my plan anyway, but I would probably have proofread on Tuesday and then sent. Due to the high needs of DD, this one day "off" to type everything from my notes works well for me.

Anyway. I've gone to get my laptop. It's not there. DH was the last person to use it to update his CV about a fortnight ago. I asked DH for it but he said he wasn't sure where he had put it and he didn't know if he'd be able to find it. He then went into a massive speech about how we both need to organise and sort our bedroom today and that he can't be expected to do it on his own, that the laptop is likely to be in any one of the stacks of stuff in there.

He only can't find it because over the last week he has taken it upon himself to create piles and piles of shit everywhere in our bedroom (clothes he was sorting, tools he was sorting, paperwork he was sorting, stuff for the loft he was sorting) and as much as it pisses me off, I've not helped him because he did half a job like always and expected me to project manage and do most of it myself. I took a stand and told him that this is not my problem to sort, it's his, and then did nothing except remind him that it's not going to sort itself (while inwardly seething about it and pep talking myself into ignoring all the stuff).

He's definitely not the type to hide my laptop so I have to help him sort the mess he's created, he's more likely to have simply bundled it into his piles of random stuff and didn't pay attention to where.

But I'm fuming. Absolutely fucking fuming. I've gone upstairs and DH is just sitting on the edge of the bed staring at all his stacks, obviously overwhelmed by the huge amount of work he's created for me himself and waiting for me to come and sort it all out!! I feel he's been totally inconsiderate, both of my course and of my belongings, and I'm feeling very upset, very unsupported and very fucking angry!! I've just had to ask my tutor for another extension, which makes me look bad and makes me feel like a piss taker. I am so angry. I've told DH that I am feeling this way and that he can get on with finding my laptop and he's still not moved but is now giving me the silent treatment.

AIBU to expect him to damn well find it?! And to apologise for this extra stress he's created?

OP posts:
Crazydoglady1980 · 08/02/2021 09:56

I imagine this is a frustration in a long line of frustrations. Part of his ADHD will be the impulse of starting something but then not finishing. I can totally understand why a room would be so full of things that finding a laptop would be difficult. I imagine your bedroom is looking like a hoarders paradise at the moment.
Take 5 minutes and then create a plan. Either looking for the laptop or sorting the mess. He is unlikely to be able to manage both at the moment. Then work together to find it.
Long term you need to discuss the impulse part of doing things and help put limits around this, as he is obviously not able to do this himself.

ZackaryQuack · 08/02/2021 09:56

I would search methodically, start in one corner and work your way round, get dh to start in the other and work towards each other. Do it in half hour chunks. You'll find it before 10.30 I'll bet.
I understand the frustration of the mess, but why haven't you needed it to do any work on your essay over the past 2 weeks, isn't it better to give yourself a week or so after finishing to check over it before submitting?

LakieLady · 08/02/2021 09:56

@SmileyClare

I can't help thinking you've used this as an excuse to get another extension?

Laptops are big and solid. It'll be easy to find Confused Just both go through all the piles of stuff in the bedroom until you find it..both of you. He shouldn't expect you to sort out his mistake.

I beg to differ.

Laptops are sneaky fuckers and hide themselves away.

Mine disappeared once, after I had left it on the bed. It had mysteriously slid itself into the narrow gap between the bedside cabinet and the wall. My late DP definitely didn't put it there, oh no, so either the dog moved it or the laptop moved itself.

FuckingFabulous · 08/02/2021 09:56

@Thedarknightsarelifting

I find it hard to believe you are doing a course that you can continue with, regardless of your DD’s ill health, that doesn’t require you using your laptop in a fortnight.

DH is a lecturer and would absolutely Hmm at your further extension email today.

I am doing an open university course. I can access the course material and forums on my phone and obviously have books. I just can't type and send the assignment from my phone, obviously.
OP posts:
Ileflottante · 08/02/2021 09:58

I can’t imagine a life where I don’t see my laptop for two weeks.

AllMyPrettyOnes · 08/02/2021 09:58

isn't it better to give yourself a week or so after finishing to check over it before submitting?

Gosh, when I was at uni, it was common for most of my coursemates to both write and edit it the day it was due!! Grin

Fifthtimelucky · 08/02/2021 09:59

No advice except to say that before tackling the mountain in the bedroom I'd do a thorough check of every other room.

Presumably they are not in such in such a state and it would be a relatively quick and easy job. It would be very frustrating to waste hours sorting through boxes and sacks in the bedroom only to find that it was down the side of the sofa.

HighSpecWhistle · 08/02/2021 09:59

Oh OP you must be so annoyed. I'd be fuming.

Of course you haven't done it for another extension - you'd just lie if that was the case, not hide it, then post on a forum just to prove to yourself you need an extension.

Look - this must be highly annoying, I'd hate mess everywhere and I'm awful when I have a deadline. But this is life I guess, quite complicated for you given your child's condition, your role as carer and your husband's actions.

I think you're amazing for doing a degree with already so much responsibility.

Take a deep breath and sort through the room to find it. Don't bother cleaning it up, just feel through the piles and when you find it, lock yourself away and do what you can.

FuckingFabulous · 08/02/2021 09:59

@ZackaryQuack

I would search methodically, start in one corner and work your way round, get dh to start in the other and work towards each other. Do it in half hour chunks. You'll find it before 10.30 I'll bet. I understand the frustration of the mess, but why haven't you needed it to do any work on your essay over the past 2 weeks, isn't it better to give yourself a week or so after finishing to check over it before submitting?
Ordinarily, yes. But because my DDs condition has worsened and become extremely high needs, I'm working on it as and when I can. I've been accessing course materials and forum activities on my phone while sitting with DD. Her condition has a lot of violent, uncontrollable movements so I couldn't use a laptop next to her anyway.
OP posts:
chestnutSquash · 08/02/2021 10:00

My friend is married to a hoarder OP. I don't know how she copes. It is absolutely awful in their house.
My dh has similar tendencies. I put every single growing pile of stuff into a cardboard box and put into his office ( which is the tiniest bedroom aka the box room). During lock down we have tackled one box a day.
You will just have to go through every pile. Presumably he won't have put the laptop into any of the boxes, so it must be near the top of one of the piles.
When you find it, get yourself a lockable filing cabinet and keep it there. He can save up and get his own. Back up all your work so you can use a borrowed lap top.
Is there another space in the house he can put his stuff? So he can only bring out one box at a time to "sort"?
People who haven't experienced hoarding have no idea.

LivingMyBestLife2020 · 08/02/2021 10:00

This is an odd thread OP. Odd that you allowed him to empty the contents of a loft and shed into your bedroom, odd that it’s been in this state for how long? Odd that whilst doing a degree you haven’t seen your laptop in 2 weeks.

Is your partner your daughters father? Can he take her to her appointment?

SatsumasOrClementines · 08/02/2021 10:00

Why ask for an extension when it’s still so early? It’s not like it will take you all day to find it. Even if it takes til this afternoon you’ve still got the afternoon and evening to work.

FuckingFabulous · 08/02/2021 10:01

@HighSpecWhistle

Oh OP you must be so annoyed. I'd be fuming.

Of course you haven't done it for another extension - you'd just lie if that was the case, not hide it, then post on a forum just to prove to yourself you need an extension.

Look - this must be highly annoying, I'd hate mess everywhere and I'm awful when I have a deadline. But this is life I guess, quite complicated for you given your child's condition, your role as carer and your husband's actions.

I think you're amazing for doing a degree with already so much responsibility.

Take a deep breath and sort through the room to find it. Don't bother cleaning it up, just feel through the piles and when you find it, lock yourself away and do what you can.

Thank you very much. I really needed to hear that.

I am actually going through boxes now. These are boxes he's repacked.

Just as an example, out of this box I've just pulled bedsheets, tubes of decorators caulk, loose screws, three books and a photo album.

OP posts:
Brefugee · 08/02/2021 10:02

gosh OP how bloody rage inducing frustrating!

Systematically go through the piles and find the laptop. Then tell your DH in no uncertain terms to do the same, one pile at a time and sort into: put away, put somewhere else, put in bin. And then walk away. Keep reminding him of this.

When it is over, find a place for your laptop to live (I cannot possibly imagine how you do everything except type assignments on your phone, btw, i was glued to my laptop for the entirety of my OU degree) and make sure that it goes there after every use, no matter who by. If it's your DH and he hasn't put it back after use. Just keep nagging reminding him, until he does.

RainingBatsAndFrogs · 08/02/2021 10:02

Bloody hell, OP, you are under immense amounts of stress, no wonder you are exasperated, frustrated and angry. Final straw!

Take time to vent and then take a deep breath and then look for the lap top.

Focus on your own needs and your DD’s.

Then in 10 days time have a serious talk, and agree a system where you become custodian of everything you actually need. You keep the laptop, and take it back as soon as he has finished with it.

I hope your Dd gets through the hospital stay with as little upset as possible and your assignment goes well.

Flowers
FuckingFabulous · 08/02/2021 10:02

@chestnutSquash

My friend is married to a hoarder OP. I don't know how she copes. It is absolutely awful in their house. My dh has similar tendencies. I put every single growing pile of stuff into a cardboard box and put into his office ( which is the tiniest bedroom aka the box room). During lock down we have tackled one box a day. You will just have to go through every pile. Presumably he won't have put the laptop into any of the boxes, so it must be near the top of one of the piles. When you find it, get yourself a lockable filing cabinet and keep it there. He can save up and get his own. Back up all your work so you can use a borrowed lap top. Is there another space in the house he can put his stuff? So he can only bring out one box at a time to "sort"? People who haven't experienced hoarding have no idea.
Exactly this.
OP posts:
Murmurur · 08/02/2021 10:02

Any prospect that DH could do the hospital trip, or some of it, so you can get your day back? If you were WOH and had this deadline, someone would have had to take time off for it and that would likely be whoever didn't have a big deadline looming.

SmileyClare · 08/02/2021 10:02

I do sympathise. Based on your updates, it sounds as though your dh has gone about "de cluttering" in completely the wrong way. Who empties a whole shed and loft into a bedroom? Why on earth didn't he sort through one area at a time, putting things away or throwing them out as he went along?

He sounds very difficult to live with and as though he needs lots of direction and management carrying out tasks. Added to that, you have the stress of being your dd's carer and her condition worsening recently.

I agree, you need to force dh to spend today finishing the "project" he has started, and in doing so, finding the bloody laptop. Even if that means giving him a clear plan: label each box with a marker pen, put in shed or loft, bag up piles to be thrown away and put in car for the dump, put away clothes he wants to keep.

Maybe dh needs help mentally breaking down his task. It appears he is overwhelmed perhaps due to his adhd. I understand your frustration though.

slashlover · 08/02/2021 10:03

Contact your tutor, I know you've already had an extension but they're giving them up to 3 weeks at the moment for any reason. Also fill in the special circumstances form when you find the laptop www.open.ac.uk/secure-environments/sites/www.open.ac.uk.secure-environments/files/files/Special%20circumstances%20form.pdf

MuttsNutts · 08/02/2021 10:05

Well you sure as hell won’t find it on MN and I don’t believe you can be seriously looking if you’re posting every couple of minutes.

Focus and get on with looking and you’ll find it.

bloodyhairy · 08/02/2021 10:05

Sorry about your daughter, OP Thanks Really hope you get the test results you're hoping for.
I would help him look for the laptop, and then ask him to ensure that the room is put right while you're at the hospital.
All the best.

FuckingFabulous · 08/02/2021 10:05

@Brefugee

gosh OP how bloody rage inducing frustrating!

Systematically go through the piles and find the laptop. Then tell your DH in no uncertain terms to do the same, one pile at a time and sort into: put away, put somewhere else, put in bin. And then walk away. Keep reminding him of this.

When it is over, find a place for your laptop to live (I cannot possibly imagine how you do everything except type assignments on your phone, btw, i was glued to my laptop for the entirety of my OU degree) and make sure that it goes there after every use, no matter who by. If it's your DH and he hasn't put it back after use. Just keep nagging reminding him, until he does.

Necessity at the moment.

It's a new module too, so they've made the course materials much more accessible. I can download my books and read them through an app. My last module was nothing like this one.

OP posts:
Brefugee · 08/02/2021 10:08

Good luck with it though, it is a struggle (moreso for you than it was for me by the sounds of it)

Tell your tutor. When i was doing mine, we had people handing in assignment 1 when the rest of us were handing in assignment 3. So many extensions. I had one over the whole time, i think. But if you need time, ask for it. That's what tutors are for.

honeylulu · 08/02/2021 10:10

I can see exactly why you're annoyed and why you think it's rightly his problem to sort despite it being quicker/more effective to look yourself.

I used to have a boyfriend like this at uni. He didn't have ADHD but was just thoughtless. He'd borrow stuff of mine and then go away for the weekend leaving it locked in his room ... when I needed it myself. I started refusing to lend my stuff or even hiding things he had a habit of doing this with. He had the nerve to say I was selfish and possessive. Reader, I dumped him (not as soon as I should have done).

I feel your rage!

chestnutSquash · 08/02/2021 10:10

[quote slashlover]Contact your tutor, I know you've already had an extension but they're giving them up to 3 weeks at the moment for any reason. Also fill in the special circumstances form when you find the laptop www.open.ac.uk/secure-environments/sites/www.open.ac.uk.secure-environments/files/files/Special%20circumstances%20form.pdf[/quote]
This.
You are coping with a huge amount atm. Give yourself a breathing space. You are looking after a sick child with no help, studying for a degree and dealing with a partner who has a serious condition that makes your life even harder. Are you working as well? Does dh have a job?
Your child going into hospital is a good enough reason for an extension, never mind the rest. IMO.

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