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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DH lost laptop and now assignment will be late

417 replies

FuckingFabulous · 08/02/2021 09:22

Ok, before I start, he's not horrible and I don't need to LTB. He has ADHD, but at the moment I'm too cross to consider that relevant, even though it definitely is.

I have an assignment due at midday on Wednesday for my degree. I already had a weeks extension because I'm a carer for DD and her condition has been worsening lately. I've been called by the hospital this morning and been given a last minute appointment for our DD, so she is going into hospital tomorrow for tests and I'm accompanying her. I intended to shut myself away with my notes and drafts today, get it all typed up, edit and send. DH knows this was my plan anyway, but I would probably have proofread on Tuesday and then sent. Due to the high needs of DD, this one day "off" to type everything from my notes works well for me.

Anyway. I've gone to get my laptop. It's not there. DH was the last person to use it to update his CV about a fortnight ago. I asked DH for it but he said he wasn't sure where he had put it and he didn't know if he'd be able to find it. He then went into a massive speech about how we both need to organise and sort our bedroom today and that he can't be expected to do it on his own, that the laptop is likely to be in any one of the stacks of stuff in there.

He only can't find it because over the last week he has taken it upon himself to create piles and piles of shit everywhere in our bedroom (clothes he was sorting, tools he was sorting, paperwork he was sorting, stuff for the loft he was sorting) and as much as it pisses me off, I've not helped him because he did half a job like always and expected me to project manage and do most of it myself. I took a stand and told him that this is not my problem to sort, it's his, and then did nothing except remind him that it's not going to sort itself (while inwardly seething about it and pep talking myself into ignoring all the stuff).

He's definitely not the type to hide my laptop so I have to help him sort the mess he's created, he's more likely to have simply bundled it into his piles of random stuff and didn't pay attention to where.

But I'm fuming. Absolutely fucking fuming. I've gone upstairs and DH is just sitting on the edge of the bed staring at all his stacks, obviously overwhelmed by the huge amount of work he's created for me himself and waiting for me to come and sort it all out!! I feel he's been totally inconsiderate, both of my course and of my belongings, and I'm feeling very upset, very unsupported and very fucking angry!! I've just had to ask my tutor for another extension, which makes me look bad and makes me feel like a piss taker. I am so angry. I've told DH that I am feeling this way and that he can get on with finding my laptop and he's still not moved but is now giving me the silent treatment.

AIBU to expect him to damn well find it?! And to apologise for this extra stress he's created?

OP posts:
isitsafetocomeoutyet · 08/02/2021 10:49

@JackieWeaverIsTheAuthority

I mean, she could see the crap was building, And let it happen. You don’t just get to deflect all responsibility when you could have done something to prevent it.
Maybe she was busy being her daughters carer, preparing for her hospital visit tomorrow as well as studying for a degree.
Ch3rish · 08/02/2021 10:49

@Aprilx

You are being ridiculous. How can anyone lose a laptop in a house, you must both be extremely untidy, hopeless individuals. An assignment due on Wednesday and you haven’t even got the laptop out yet. Words fail me.
Are you hard of understanding or do you just not get out much?

We have a very slim lightweight chromebook used for school work and I can totally see how it could get lost even just in a pile of papers never mind boxes of crap left by a useless partner.

I hope you find it soon OP and you're a better woman than me, there's no way I could live with anyone like your DH

MrMucker · 08/02/2021 10:49

On most laptops the lid operates on a hinge type basis which is in fact worked via an inbuilt magnet. So in principle you could find your own magnet (dunno-got one on the fridge?) and simply run it down all the piles of paperwork stuff. As soon as you feel a reaction (attraction or repulsion) against the magnet in your hand, then you can delve in and see what's there.
So actually you could find the laptop in just seconds if you have a magnet somewhere to use.

btw it's a myth that magnets will always damage your device-you need one of considerable power to affect the harddrive.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 08/02/2021 10:50

@SonjaMorgan

How much stuff is in your bedroom that you can't find a laptop?! Just get him to find it for you.
Again... that information is really clearly typed, by the OP, upthread!

As is the reason he can't/won't help!

magicstar1 · 08/02/2021 10:51

Ah I get where you're coming from now. He's throwing stuff in boxes too, so not just clear piles you can scan through. I'd seriously lose patience with him .... good luck with finding it.

RaspberryCoulis · 08/02/2021 10:51

Oh OP I really hope it turns up soon. I can't imagine living in such chaos, ADHD or no ADHD. Is your DH getting any help with managing this? You clearly can't go on like this, especially when you throw ill children into the mix.

Pyjamaface · 08/02/2021 10:51

I understand OP.

DS has ADHD (diagnosed) and DP is currently in the waiting list to be assessed. Nothing, absolutely nothing, goes back where it's supposed to go in my house and its drives me round the bend.
13 years I have been saying that X item lives on Y spot so we know where it is, 9/10 times it's not there. Tasks abandoned halfway through etc etc

Have a rant all you like.

JackieWeaverIsTheAuthority · 08/02/2021 10:51

So along with doing her degree and caring for her sick DD, she also has to micro-manage an overgrown manchild?

If the stacks of crap are going to mean important things get lost? Umm yeah, you don just let that happen. As for overgrown man child- you realise he has ADHD? It does require a level of help to keep some behaviours from bringing the house down round your ears. You don’t just let them carry on and say “now look what you’ve done!”

livefornaps · 08/02/2021 10:51

OP - my full sympathy. You have a lot on. Too much to contend with. Get an extra extension if possible.

To all the posters saying "you could have found it by now," etc. You're all massive twats and I hope you feel better about yourselves in the pile-on.

lottiegarbanzo · 08/02/2021 10:52

Just find the laptop. Both of you.

If his precious piles get toppled and messed up in the process, tough. That's what happens when you leave a job half done.

katmarie · 08/02/2021 10:52

Op my dh has a tenancy towards hoarding and going on mad decluttering binges so I feel your pain. He would never 'lose' my laptop though, I too am doing an ou degree and he knows how important that work is to me. I would be utterly livid in your situation, and I would have to have a serious discussion about his lack of respect for your things, your studying, and your time.

Woofsaidtheladybird · 08/02/2021 10:52

@DameCelia my post was typed before the op stated that.
Still, a phone isn't enough for studying - too blinking small for one thing!
And also - typing it just before the due date...? Don't get me wrong, OU courses are HARD WORK (my first degree is with OU)... and you need to plan your time as the work is constant. Typing up and wanting an extra day to hand it in is pushing it a bit...

JackieWeaverIsTheAuthority · 08/02/2021 10:52

Did you read what she actually typed!

If you find the thread too cluttered to find the salient information.

Yep read it all thanks.

FuckingFabulous · 08/02/2021 10:52

DH is upstairs trying to find it and I've just set my other two children up with their home learning. Making a coffee and reading here to calm myself down a bit. Have read all your replies. Some of you are lovely, thank you. Thanks especially to the people who have given advice on special circumstances and how tutors are being lenient with extensions at the moment. And to those of you who know exactly how frustrated I am. Normally DH goes to work and I can tidy away the job he half did and will forget about. But he's furloughed and he's looking for things to do, which are totally taking over the house and garden tbh. I see that some people think I should easily be able to manage being a full time carer to someone very high needs, a primary school child, two secondary school kids and their home education, my degree, my DH and all the handholding and boundaries he needs to function in a way that doesn't derail everyone else's peace, the housework, cooking, shopping, quality time with each child.... but alas, I'm clearly half the woman you feel are, because I can't manage it all to levels of excellence.

OP posts:
AdoraBell · 08/02/2021 10:55

I hope you find your laptop.

CrochetToTheMoon · 08/02/2021 10:55

I feel for your OP, I hope you find the laptop soon and that DD’s appointment goes well.

We had to move in with family a while back and they hoard, the sheer amount of stuff in the house is unbearable and it’s a massive house too. A laptop would be easily lost in here amongst the clutter. Thankfully we’re moving out!

isitsafetocomeoutyet · 08/02/2021 10:55

@JackieWeaverIsTheAuthority

So along with doing her degree and caring for her sick DD, she also has to micro-manage an overgrown manchild?

If the stacks of crap are going to mean important things get lost? Umm yeah, you don just let that happen. As for overgrown man child- you realise he has ADHD? It does require a level of help to keep some behaviours from bringing the house down round your ears. You don’t just let them carry on and say “now look what you’ve done!”

So it's her fault? She should have done more?

Wow. Just when you think you've seen everything on mumsnet.

BlokeHereInPeace · 08/02/2021 10:55

Brilliant that you are doing OU.

Haggisfish · 08/02/2021 10:56

I’m an ou tutor and you could have another week extension, no questions asked. I know it’s not the point but it’s an option.

JackieWeaverIsTheAuthority · 08/02/2021 10:56

In that case OP it sounds like there wasn’t anything that could be done by anyone to prevent the laptop being lost- so don’t waste energy being angry about it. It was unavoidable.

pistachioglace · 08/02/2021 10:58
  1. Tell him to put the stuff back in the loft.
  2. Get off Mumsnet.
  3. Find your laptop.
  4. Do your assignment.
  5. Then talk to him and work out a space where you can work and keep the laptop there. I work at a coffee table in the lounge and the laptop goes on the bookcase and nobody ever moves it. At least they don't if they ever want me to order food shopping online instad of sending them to the shops Grin
SmileyClare · 08/02/2021 10:58

the boxes are stacked floor to ceiling Out of one box I've pulled bedsheets, decorators caulk, screws, books and a photo album

That's worrying. I understand now why you feel like crying. This isn't someone having a sort out, your dh seems to have spent a week making more muddle and mess and it sounds as though he has some serious hoarder tendencies. Sad

livefornaps · 08/02/2021 10:59

OP you came here for support and for a space to vent. Just know that with me, you have it.

To the PP who's like "euuurrghh well actually OU courses are quite a lot of work and I should know because I do one and I'm a teacher's pet", well fucking woop de doo, you get a gold star

MrKlaw · 08/02/2021 10:59

late and requires additional stuff, but you can use your phone to type on - but you may need to get a bluetooth keyboard - maybe currys or argos would have a cheap one you could get if it absolutely comes down to it.

If you happen to have a tablet that'd be better for readability, and obviously not ideal - just throwing suggestions out there

SonjaMorgan · 08/02/2021 11:00

*Again... that information is really clearly typed, by the OP, upthread!

As is the reason he can't/won't help!*

I read that. I am still struggling to grasp how much stuff can be in one room. Even if you stacked my bedroom full (but so I could still use the bed) of boxes it would only take an hour or two to go through.

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