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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DH lost laptop and now assignment will be late

417 replies

FuckingFabulous · 08/02/2021 09:22

Ok, before I start, he's not horrible and I don't need to LTB. He has ADHD, but at the moment I'm too cross to consider that relevant, even though it definitely is.

I have an assignment due at midday on Wednesday for my degree. I already had a weeks extension because I'm a carer for DD and her condition has been worsening lately. I've been called by the hospital this morning and been given a last minute appointment for our DD, so she is going into hospital tomorrow for tests and I'm accompanying her. I intended to shut myself away with my notes and drafts today, get it all typed up, edit and send. DH knows this was my plan anyway, but I would probably have proofread on Tuesday and then sent. Due to the high needs of DD, this one day "off" to type everything from my notes works well for me.

Anyway. I've gone to get my laptop. It's not there. DH was the last person to use it to update his CV about a fortnight ago. I asked DH for it but he said he wasn't sure where he had put it and he didn't know if he'd be able to find it. He then went into a massive speech about how we both need to organise and sort our bedroom today and that he can't be expected to do it on his own, that the laptop is likely to be in any one of the stacks of stuff in there.

He only can't find it because over the last week he has taken it upon himself to create piles and piles of shit everywhere in our bedroom (clothes he was sorting, tools he was sorting, paperwork he was sorting, stuff for the loft he was sorting) and as much as it pisses me off, I've not helped him because he did half a job like always and expected me to project manage and do most of it myself. I took a stand and told him that this is not my problem to sort, it's his, and then did nothing except remind him that it's not going to sort itself (while inwardly seething about it and pep talking myself into ignoring all the stuff).

He's definitely not the type to hide my laptop so I have to help him sort the mess he's created, he's more likely to have simply bundled it into his piles of random stuff and didn't pay attention to where.

But I'm fuming. Absolutely fucking fuming. I've gone upstairs and DH is just sitting on the edge of the bed staring at all his stacks, obviously overwhelmed by the huge amount of work he's created for me himself and waiting for me to come and sort it all out!! I feel he's been totally inconsiderate, both of my course and of my belongings, and I'm feeling very upset, very unsupported and very fucking angry!! I've just had to ask my tutor for another extension, which makes me look bad and makes me feel like a piss taker. I am so angry. I've told DH that I am feeling this way and that he can get on with finding my laptop and he's still not moved but is now giving me the silent treatment.

AIBU to expect him to damn well find it?! And to apologise for this extra stress he's created?

OP posts:
CakeIsEternal · 08/02/2021 19:11

@Ninkanink

Just to clarify, I didnt think he had thrown the laptop in the skip on purpose. I thought he could have put it in a box with stuff, not been thinking and chucked the box out and then realised what had happened when OP asked for her laptop. So not on purpose, but why he had told her he wouldn't be able to find it as soon as she asked.

At least he put it in the loft and not in the skip.

RootyT00t · 08/02/2021 19:14

Glad it turned up OP and I think you are an amazing wife. It sounds very difficult living like this.

Hmm at all the posters thinking you were making things up to get an extension. What a load of effort that would be for nothing !

MrsCods · 08/02/2021 19:23

I've got adhd and I am very similar to your dh. Always in a mess, always misplacing things, just when I think I have something it's gone again and it could honestly be anywhere. I hope you find your laptop soon!

MrsCods · 08/02/2021 19:24

Oh you found it! That's a relief

FuckingFabulous · 08/02/2021 19:29

@RootyT00t

Glad it turned up OP and I think you are an amazing wife. It sounds very difficult living like this.

Hmm at all the posters thinking you were making things up to get an extension. What a load of effort that would be for nothing !

Exactly. Hmmat the posters who actually thought it was plausible that I'd make up a problem, and then post here about it in order to con myself an extra day! It's hardly as if I'd send my tutor the link to this post! And I certainly wouldn't need to convince myself of a fake need for an extension. I'd just make up some crap and email my tutor if that were the kind of person I am. But no, I actually do have a DD with very high needs, do have three DC to home educate, did have one day earmarked to type up an assignment (which became more urgent because my final two days will be taken up by a last minute hospital stay) and do have a DH with ADHD who lost my laptop!
OP posts:
FuckingFabulous · 08/02/2021 19:31

@MrsCods

I've got adhd and I am very similar to your dh. Always in a mess, always misplacing things, just when I think I have something it's gone again and it could honestly be anywhere. I hope you find your laptop soon!
There have been a lot of people here commenting who haven't the faintest idea about ADHD, or have met one person with ADHD and think they've met all the people with ADHD. If anyone's said anything that's made you feel badly about yourself, I'm sorry you had to read it
OP posts:
picklemewalnuts · 08/02/2021 19:32

Good luck writing it all up, OP. I hope he carves you out some extra time over the next few days.

What a stressful day. Flowers

RootyT00t · 08/02/2021 19:41

@FuckingFabulous I think you're doing amazing. Good luck with everything x

HaveringWavering · 08/02/2021 19:45

Glad he found it. I’m intrigued, though, by his supposed “explanation”. If I understand correctly, he said “I remember now, I put your laptop in that box because it contained a bunch of old books from your previous OU course”?

That makes no sense at all.

OldPervsWithNoFannyOfTheirOwn · 08/02/2021 19:47

Wine glad he’s found it OP and calmed down enough to think about how his actions have put you under unnecessary stress.

Best of luck with the assignment and of course hospital.

If you feel like screaming and don’t want to scream at him, maybe he can purchase a scream into the abyss for you

m.youtube.com/watch?v=5pJb-_GIsJI

Misandrylovescompany · 08/02/2021 19:48

It is really really obvious which posters on here have any experience of someone with ADHD. OP, someone I’m close to has ADHD. It is absolutely infuriating for those around him and that’s when he’s medicated. Before he was medicated he was a very lost soul indeed. Your DH sounds very similar in both what he can cope with and what he struggles with. These days about twice a year I do a tidying/sorting blitz for my friend, just to keep his living environment under control. It takes me half a day, he repays me with a case of posh wine. Because he knows it makes him feel so much relief when things are back tidy and under control again. He doesn’t actually like it that way, he just lacks the ability to stop it from spiralling out of control. It’s part of his disability.

I would seriously encourage your H to find a way to introduce medication into his life. It’s really scary at first, I know, but it has literally made the person I know into someone who can function reasonably well in society. (And he drives for work so yes it is possible to get insured).

I’d also strongly suggest that you both make the time to do a full and proper sort through soon (you’ve ordered the skip so that sounds like a good opportunity!), then draw a line under it and agree to make the time to do a maintenance sort-out once every six months from then on. With some kind of treat like a takeaway afterwards as a reward to yourselves. Be ruthless. My rule when doing a sort-through for my friend is that I have three piles: bin, keep and leave for 6 months. Next time, anything he hasn’t needed from the leave for 6 months pile goes into the new bin pile.

Good luck with it. It’s bloody hard - for the person with ADHD and for you. Sometimes you need to assert your need to live in a sane space and any decent person with ADHD will understand that. They just can’t deliver it when things get out of control. The best way is to help them maintain certain limits to the chaos.

FuckingFabulous · 08/02/2021 19:49

@HaveringWavering

Glad he found it. I’m intrigued, though, by his supposed “explanation”. If I understand correctly, he said “I remember now, I put your laptop in that box because it contained a bunch of old books from your previous OU course”?

That makes no sense at all.

He opened the box and said "oh yeah! I put it in here because your course books are in here!"
OP posts:
Phineyj · 08/02/2021 19:55

There's a book called The Organised Mind you might like. My DD has ADHD and I suspect my DH does also. My important stuff, such as my laptop, is in a home office that I can lock. We have designated places in the house for e.g. keys, chargers, a 'tech chair' and a colour coded Lego cabinet!

Nanny0gg · 08/02/2021 19:56

@FuckingFabulous

I just told DH how I feel very hurt and disappointed that nothing that's mine is anywhere on his list of priorities and that his half completed jobs feel like they're drowning me and I feel I've got a right to be angry about this.

He instantly stopped sorting through any boxes and said although he hoped that bollocking him made me feel better, I'd just totally destroyed any motivation he had for sorting the piles of shit.

So, not only am I not able to voice my feelings without DH getting all down and feeling "very attacked", I also get the bonus of everything left to me because of it!!

This reads as manipulation to be honest.

BTW, I know this is a bit late, but did you have a backup of what's on that laptop?

ilovemydogandmrobama2 · 08/02/2021 19:56

Not sure anyone else has suggested this, but we have had a massive roof leak, so had to put loads of stuff into boxes.

They were asking for all their stuff to be returned now that the roof has been done, ceilings replastered, etc.

My criteria is this: if they can name 5 things that they miss, they can have it back.

At the moment none of them can do it, so will be going to the tip.

HaveringWavering · 08/02/2021 19:57

He opened the box and said "oh yeah! I put it in here because your course books are in here!"

But that still makes no sense!

FuckingFabulous · 08/02/2021 20:01

@HaveringWavering

He opened the box and said "oh yeah! I put it in here because your course books are in here!"

But that still makes no sense!

It does if you're him.
OP posts:
Brefugee · 08/02/2021 20:03

Phew, glad you found it, OP.
I don't have experience of ADHD but i do have experience of soldiers, and i know you said you didn't want to adopt a military strategy with him but i think it may be one way of handling the chaos? Because you're right, no Sgt Major would put up with that.

How about you suggest that you put everything in the skip, and he can rescue 3 boxes full of stuff that he can keep? Grin

Chloemol · 08/02/2021 20:08

@FuckingFabulous

I know you have found the laptop, but do you back stuff to the cloud? Use Dropbox or something. Then if it happens again you can download onto one of the kids laptop

diddl · 08/02/2021 20:08

Really glad that it's been located, Op.

It's hard to make sense of because it's a thing that you both use & not specifically for your course work!

RavingAnnie · 08/02/2021 20:10

I really think your DH needs to get a second opinion re his meds. Meds are likely to reduce his potential to have an accident not increase it. That seems strange logic.

When you have a minute have a watch of this:

https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PLzBixSjmbc8eFl6UX5_wWGP8i0mAs-cvY

LakieLady · 08/02/2021 20:16

@FuckingFabulous

LAPTOP LOCATED!!!!!

In a box full of books to be listed on eBay which he had put in the loft

DH remembers now that he put it there because my previous OU set texts were there. 🤔

He's grovelling a bit and apologetic but also defending the thought process that put the laptop there in the first place.

I've told him he's got to get that room sorted before I go to bed, which will probably be about midnight if I'm to get the main part of this assignment down.

Thank fuck for that!

You must be so relieved. Have you got a lockable drawer or cupboard you can put it in when you're not using it, in case he "tidies it away" again?

FuckingFabulous · 08/02/2021 20:25

@diddl

Really glad that it's been located, Op.

It's hard to make sense of because it's a thing that you both use & not specifically for your course work!

No, that really is just for my coursework! He used it because his was taking ages on an update. I didn't even know he'd used it until he said so later that day. And I stupidly assumed he had put it straight back.
OP posts:
FuckingFabulous · 08/02/2021 20:26

@Brefugee

Phew, glad you found it, OP. I don't have experience of ADHD but i do have experience of soldiers, and i know you said you didn't want to adopt a military strategy with him but i think it may be one way of handling the chaos? Because you're right, no Sgt Major would put up with that.

How about you suggest that you put everything in the skip, and he can rescue 3 boxes full of stuff that he can keep? Grin

Good plan. I'll tell him that.
OP posts:
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