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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DH lost laptop and now assignment will be late

417 replies

FuckingFabulous · 08/02/2021 09:22

Ok, before I start, he's not horrible and I don't need to LTB. He has ADHD, but at the moment I'm too cross to consider that relevant, even though it definitely is.

I have an assignment due at midday on Wednesday for my degree. I already had a weeks extension because I'm a carer for DD and her condition has been worsening lately. I've been called by the hospital this morning and been given a last minute appointment for our DD, so she is going into hospital tomorrow for tests and I'm accompanying her. I intended to shut myself away with my notes and drafts today, get it all typed up, edit and send. DH knows this was my plan anyway, but I would probably have proofread on Tuesday and then sent. Due to the high needs of DD, this one day "off" to type everything from my notes works well for me.

Anyway. I've gone to get my laptop. It's not there. DH was the last person to use it to update his CV about a fortnight ago. I asked DH for it but he said he wasn't sure where he had put it and he didn't know if he'd be able to find it. He then went into a massive speech about how we both need to organise and sort our bedroom today and that he can't be expected to do it on his own, that the laptop is likely to be in any one of the stacks of stuff in there.

He only can't find it because over the last week he has taken it upon himself to create piles and piles of shit everywhere in our bedroom (clothes he was sorting, tools he was sorting, paperwork he was sorting, stuff for the loft he was sorting) and as much as it pisses me off, I've not helped him because he did half a job like always and expected me to project manage and do most of it myself. I took a stand and told him that this is not my problem to sort, it's his, and then did nothing except remind him that it's not going to sort itself (while inwardly seething about it and pep talking myself into ignoring all the stuff).

He's definitely not the type to hide my laptop so I have to help him sort the mess he's created, he's more likely to have simply bundled it into his piles of random stuff and didn't pay attention to where.

But I'm fuming. Absolutely fucking fuming. I've gone upstairs and DH is just sitting on the edge of the bed staring at all his stacks, obviously overwhelmed by the huge amount of work he's created for me himself and waiting for me to come and sort it all out!! I feel he's been totally inconsiderate, both of my course and of my belongings, and I'm feeling very upset, very unsupported and very fucking angry!! I've just had to ask my tutor for another extension, which makes me look bad and makes me feel like a piss taker. I am so angry. I've told DH that I am feeling this way and that he can get on with finding my laptop and he's still not moved but is now giving me the silent treatment.

AIBU to expect him to damn well find it?! And to apologise for this extra stress he's created?

OP posts:
HaveringWavering · 08/02/2021 16:22

Their friends.

HaveringWavering · 08/02/2021 16:23

Give them your phone to do the chat calls.

FuckingFabulous · 08/02/2021 16:27

I just told DH how I feel very hurt and disappointed that nothing that's mine is anywhere on his list of priorities and that his half completed jobs feel like they're drowning me and I feel I've got a right to be angry about this.

He instantly stopped sorting through any boxes and said although he hoped that bollocking him made me feel better, I'd just totally destroyed any motivation he had for sorting the piles of shit.

So, not only am I not able to voice my feelings without DH getting all down and feeling "very attacked", I also get the bonus of everything left to me because of it!!

OP posts:
CharityDingle · 08/02/2021 16:28

Use the child's laptop, to solve the immediate issue, which is to get your assignment done. I'm not an expert on adhd so I'm not going to try to advise on that.

He wouldn't be getting a loan of my laptop in future, if I were you OP.

CakeIsEternal · 08/02/2021 16:31

You know this is abuse, dont you? This part isnt ADHD. This is a man exerting his authority over his wife.

As long as you keep your mouth shut, no matter how unreasonable he is, he will pretend to sort things out. But if you speak up about the terrible way he is treating your family and your possessions, he downs tools and wont pull his weight. This is how people control their spouses, when they're abusive.

Chuck the whole lot out. All of it into the skip. When does your skip arrive?

Whatsnewpussyhat · 08/02/2021 16:31

ADHD or not, why would he have thrown the laptop in the skip?

Is he disrespectful of your things whilst he hoards his own?
Is it possible at all he could have done it on purpose?

chestnutSquash · 08/02/2021 16:32

His response was childish and manipulative. He has been in the military. He wouldn't get away with it there. You are being taken for a mug, OP. I am so sorry.

CakeIsEternal · 08/02/2021 16:34

His motivation for sorting his shit out have nothing to do with you.

He chose to start this job. You didnt ask him to do it. His motivation is that he chose it so it is his task now.

He lost an expensive possession of yours, which you actually need for a university course you've paid thousands for. His motivation is sorting out the fuck up which is making his wife's life 10 times more difficult.

How motivation is that you are all his family and the way he is forcing you to live is simply unacceptable in a civilised house.

His motivation has zero to do with you being able to tell your husband, the man who is meant to love you, that you feel hurt and angry and you feel like you always come last in his list of priorities.

If telling him the truth has made him treat you even worse, then you have bugger problems than a lost laptop.

ErickBroch · 08/02/2021 16:34

LOL he's a prick. I said it at the start of the thread and your most recent post makes it more obvious. He's literally showing you he doesn't give a toss about you or how you feel.

I have ADD and YES it's hard to stay focussed and I lose a lot of stuff but honestly, I would never behave like this and make a conscious effort to keep my house tidy and organised. He has no excuse. He is a grown man and a father who could do it by himself but he wants you to do it for him.

ZooeyS · 08/02/2021 16:35

Ohhhh... that's really manipulative. And nasty.

I think you might have more problems than a missing laptop.

grapewine · 08/02/2021 16:36

He instantly stopped sorting through any boxes and said although he hoped that bollocking him made me feel better, I'd just totally destroyed any motivation he had for sorting the piles of shit.

Well, that's tough. I'd throw it all in the bloody skip. He's being petulant at best. How very unattractive.

I wonder now if he did lose the laptop and just doesn't want to tell you.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 08/02/2021 16:38

I couldn't stay married to this man.

heydoggie · 08/02/2021 16:40

Honestly OP, I know this isn't helpful but he is being an absolute dickhead.

I have ADHD. I can entirely imagine what your house looks like, and I have indeed lost laptops in mine before. We moved out for renovation work, moved in shortly before the pandemic, and still have lots of unsorted boxes and chaos though have been making slow progress. My DH has to support me but ... its totally different to what you're going through. If I lost something of his, I would absolutely be tearing the house apart and would be apologetic and tearful. Especially something important. I might ask for some advise on process - in the past, he's set me tasks, which I know is a mental burden but something as simple as: in this room, go through everything between that chest of drawers and that door don't sit down and look at anything, don't get distracted.

I wouldn't take on a task like he is by choice, and I would enthusiastically accept the help you seem to be offering him. The idea of putting you in the position he's put you in and being short and angry at you blows my mind.

I think you give him too much of a pass. He can't help the way his brain works (though he could and probably should look into medication: I've been breastfeeding and ttc but as soon as I can I hope to) That doesn't mean he can't control how he speaks to you and how he deals with situations, and it doesn't mean he's blind to the effect its having on you.

He doesn't sound like you're a team. My DH supports me in my chaos and in return I pick up the slack in other areas of our life, and do bits he's not naturally good at/doesn't want to. We each contribute fully to our household to the best of our abilities. That's not what your DH is doing. He's doing his own little projects, ignoring the fact they're messing up your life. you need to challenge that more.

And I'm sorry you're having such a hard time, and despite what some people seem to think (should you be writing the assignment on toilet paper while cleaning the bathroom?) I think you are being v impressive to be doing it at all with those extra burdens and should take every support the university can offer you.

PotholeParadies · 08/02/2021 16:43

I once managed to mislay my laptop for a few days by putting it down safely, putting stuff on it, and ineffective looking. That's fine. It's my stuff and I learn from these things.

But I'm trying to imagine losing DH's laptop when he had an OU assignment due, and refusing to look for it, because he'd made me feel bad.

I just can't imagine being so awful.

diddl · 08/02/2021 16:51

"ADHD or not, why would he have thrown the laptop in the skip?"

I was wondering that as well tbh.

Unless it means that he can't recognise it as a high value item & something that he also uses?

FuckingFabulous · 08/02/2021 16:53

@Whatsnewpussyhat

ADHD or not, why would he have thrown the laptop in the skip?

Is he disrespectful of your things whilst he hoards his own?
Is it possible at all he could have done it on purpose?

I don't mean he will have thrown it in on purpose. I mean it's possible he will have put it in one of those boxes, forgotten it was in there and chucked them out.
OP posts:
greeneyedlulu · 08/02/2021 16:54

Find your laptop and use it to hire a skip and clear all that shit out of the house!! I could not and would not live like that, piles of stuff everywhere, it's making me shudder to think about it! And whilst you may not need to LTB, you certainly need to kick him up the arse! Hire the skip!!

DelphiniumBlue · 08/02/2021 16:54

it's been put in the skip.
DH needs to replace it immediately, not next week. If he hasn't got the money can he borrow it? Credit card?
And when it' replaced, get a really bright colour cover so that it shows up if it's in a pile. And then keep it locked up, don't let him use at all, it sounds like there are other laptops/tablets in the house that he could use.
I would be raging at this point, he hasn't taken things seriously, has he? How can he just lose a laptop? That is not treating you with respect. I think you should be making a really big deal out of this, not trying to protect his feelings.

LIZS · 08/02/2021 16:54

Does he often create situations he cannot resolve without your intervention or offer/start to "help" until you step in?

dayslikethese1 · 08/02/2021 16:55

He sounds manipulative to me. I think you need to have a locked box/desk or similar in future to keep your very important things away from his 'sorting piles'. And he needs to sort somewhere other than your bedroom; that chaos is not conducive to sleep or doing uni work. He needs to move it to another room/area asap if possible.

dayslikethese1 · 08/02/2021 16:56

Just to add; no shame in an extension, people get them for a lot less than that. Just explain about your DC etc.

anditgoeson · 08/02/2021 16:57

Sorry I haven't read all the posts, I hope you've found it! Just an FYI save your work on one drive if you're still studying. That way you arent ruined if anything happens to your laptop (i learned this the hard way!).

NeverDropYourMoonCup · 08/02/2021 16:57

@FuckingFabulous

I just told DH how I feel very hurt and disappointed that nothing that's mine is anywhere on his list of priorities and that his half completed jobs feel like they're drowning me and I feel I've got a right to be angry about this.

He instantly stopped sorting through any boxes and said although he hoped that bollocking him made me feel better, I'd just totally destroyed any motivation he had for sorting the piles of shit.

So, not only am I not able to voice my feelings without DH getting all down and feeling "very attacked", I also get the bonus of everything left to me because of it!!

He doesn't actually want you to pass this course, does he? Might get you a better job, one where his money isn't needed anymore. Might make you realise that you can do better than this life, too.

I reckon he smashed or spilled stuff on your laptop and then threw it away as punishment for refusing to do all the work for him. The impulsive, raging part of ADHD that some people, particularly men/boys, experience. The bit where he thought that dragging everything out would mean you'd stop working on it and give up your qualification. The bit where he's now trying to cover up what he's done by deliberately causing you further problems.

Throw EVERYTHING away. Except the aforementioned marriage certificate. Like I said, it's handy to have.

FuckingFabulous · 08/02/2021 16:59

He's come down, bustled in the kitchen for a moment, presented me with a glass of wine and said "I'm a dickhead. I'm sorry." I said "yes you are and yes you should be." He just said "I know. I know."

He's gone back upstairs and it's very noisy up there so he's either tearing everything to bits in a frenzy or is searching hard. Not sure I want to go up and find out. I'm just feeling really annoyed at him saying I'd ruined his motivation. Obviously he's thought about it and the way I just walked downstairs without a word to him, but he doesn't fix it with a glass of wine. He needs to find the laptop and he needs to sort this mess!

And to everyone at the start of this that was all "you terrible excuse for an adult OP, stop whining and go and find it, it will take an hour"..... well...... it's been eight hours and more and it's not yet been located.

OP posts:
FuckingFabulous · 08/02/2021 17:02

@LIZS

Does he often create situations he cannot resolve without your intervention or offer/start to "help" until you step in?
No, he doesn't. Apart from having lots of half finished jobs all the time. He genuinely doesn't set me up to sabotage me or make me do stuff for him. I appreciate this thread doesn't post him in a good light but he's 100% got his good points in abundance or I wouldn't stay married to him. Sometimes though, and especially in lockdown, I feel like I need to scream out my frustration at never ever being able to walk in my house and think that there's nothing that needs doing.
OP posts:
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