DH lost laptop and now assignment will be late

[FuckingFabulous]

Ok, before I start, he's not horrible and I don't need to LTB. He has ADHD, but at the moment I'm too cross to consider that relevant, even though it definitely is.

I have an assignment due at midday on Wednesday for my degree. I already had a weeks extension because I'm a carer for DD and her condition has been worsening lately. I've been called by the hospital this morning and been given a last minute appointment for our DD, so she is going into hospital tomorrow for tests and I'm accompanying her. I intended to shut myself away with my notes and drafts today, get it all typed up, edit and send. DH knows this was my plan anyway, but I would probably have proofread on Tuesday and then sent. Due to the high needs of DD, this one day "off" to type everything from my notes works well for me.

Anyway. I've gone to get my laptop. It's not there. DH was the last person to use it to update his CV about a fortnight ago. I asked DH for it but he said he wasn't sure where he had put it and he didn't know if he'd be able to find it. He then went into a massive speech about how we both need to organise and sort our bedroom today and that he can't be expected to do it on his own, that the laptop is likely to be in any one of the stacks of stuff in there.

He only can't find it because over the last week he has taken it upon himself to create piles and piles of shit everywhere in our bedroom (clothes he was sorting, tools he was sorting, paperwork he was sorting, stuff for the loft he was sorting) and as much as it pisses me off, I've not helped him because he did half a job like always and expected me to project manage and do most of it myself. I took a stand and told him that this is not my problem to sort, it's his, and then did nothing except remind him that it's not going to sort itself (while inwardly seething about it and pep talking myself into ignoring all the stuff).

He's definitely not the type to hide my laptop so I have to help him sort the mess he's created, he's more likely to have simply bundled it into his piles of random stuff and didn't pay attention to where.

But I'm fuming. Absolutely fucking fuming. I've gone upstairs and DH is just sitting on the edge of the bed staring at all his stacks, obviously overwhelmed by the huge amount of work he's created for me himself and waiting for me to come and sort it all out!! I feel he's been totally inconsiderate, both of my course and of my belongings, and I'm feeling very upset, very unsupported and very fucking angry!! I've just had to ask my tutor for another extension, which makes me look bad and makes me feel like a piss taker. I am so angry. I've told DH that I am feeling this way and that he can get on with finding my laptop and he's still not moved but is now giving me the silent treatment.

AIBU to expect him to damn well find it?! And to apologise for this extra stress he's created?

So selfish. He's creating chaos with the expectation you'll step in and sort it out. Like the way to get any job done, is for him to start it and leave it unfinished.

Would he lose his own most precious items like this? Would he be motivated and take responsibility for finding them if he did?

It all sounds as though, to him, he's the only important person. He'll only help you if you're grateful. Him feeling bad about himself is more important than you, your feelings or your course.

Not sure I want to go up and find out

Don't, that is just what he is expecting you to do. Leave him to it and tell him you expect the room to be habitable again before bedtime.

Use your child’s laptop now and stay up until it’s done. DH will have to manage the kids until you are finished.

I don’t know why you didn’t use the child’s laptop in the first place. I would have send apologies to the school that they are going to be absent from their lessons as I needed to use the laptop for an emergency. Or let them do teams on your phone, iPad, Xbox, whatever other device you own.

@Ileflottante

I can’t imagine a life where I don’t see my laptop for two weeks.

I have a tablet. In non WFH times, I can go over a week without using my laptop.

Mine is usually under my bed so no-one trips over it.

No advice, but heartfelt sympathy.

DS will be that sort of an adult.

DH has emptied our son's room into ours in order to paint it, and we haven't been able to get near the walls or reach the windows for days (weeks in fact).

We would have zero chance of finding anything smaller than a tuba without days of effort. I know this because we have actually struggled to find the tuba.

Ah, cross post. Still.

The only sensible course of action for a person who cannot bear to be criticised, is that they should avoid doing anything likely to attract criticism.

@CakeIsEternal

You know this is abuse, dont you? This part isnt ADHD. This is a man exerting his authority over his wife.

As long as you keep your mouth shut, no matter how unreasonable he is, he will pretend to sort things out. But if you speak up about the terrible way he is treating your family and your possessions, he downs tools and wont pull his weight. This is how people control their spouses, when they're abusive.

Chuck the whole lot out. All of it into the skip. When does your skip arrive?

Absolutely 100% this.

I really hope you find your laptop but I suspect you won't because it's probably in landfill somewhere.

LAPTOP LOCATED!!!!!

In a box full of books to be listed on eBay which he had put in the loft

DH remembers now that he put it there because my previous OU set texts were there. 🤔

He's grovelling a bit and apologetic but also defending the thought process that put the laptop there in the first place.

I've told him he's got to get that room sorted before I go to bed, which will probably be about midnight if I'm to get the main part of this assignment down.

Now I feel really bad for thinking he'd chucked it in the skip in an infuriatingly scatterbrained manner.

Well done @FuckingFabulous

Sorry you've had some mean replies here.

Good luck with your assignment 😊

I'm glad you found it, OP. Hope you manage to get some writing done this evening. Still think a skip is a good idea.

Great news! He needs to consider how to avoid similar again in future.

OP just reading this is making me rage on your behalf so well done on staying so calm!

Agree with other posters that some of the behaviour (like your last update) is not his ADHD but a negative personality trait and/or an active choice. At the end of the day HE is a grown man who knows what helps/could help him (medication, maintaining strict timetabling and actions as when he was in the army) but refuses to put any of that in place and expects you to sort out the shit. That's not an ADHD thing, that's a twat thing.

Can you chuck one of the kids off their laptops now school is done and let them do their zoom/teams catch up on yours (or DHs!) phone.
In the hospital - if you can write it all up while you're there, most hospitals have cafe's or wifi spots so you should be able to submit it too if you do manage to write it?

fF

I know not everyone’s router has this function, but does yours show the devices that are on the network? Also, do you think the laptop would still have battery? If the answer to both questions is yes, you could check if it is still in the house. Of course it’s not quite that easy because the devices aren’t labeled, but with a little process of elimination you could see if it is still connected to your WiFi.

@grapewine

I'm glad you found it, OP. Hope you manage to get some writing done this evening. Still think a skip is a good idea.

Have already booked the skip! It'll be here on Wednesday

@FuckingFabulous

Now I feel really bad for thinking he'd chucked it in the skip in an infuriatingly scatterbrained manner.

Don't feel bad. It was a possibility. He didn't do it but the potential that he did was there.

Thank god!! Hope you get your work done and that everything goes well with DD. I would start writing daily task lists for your DH to start sorting your bedroom out, you need a haven not a store room to sleep in and relax!! Good luck

@FuckingFabulous

Now I feel really bad for thinking he'd chucked it in the skip in an infuriatingly scatterbrained manner.

Hidden in the loft in a plausibly deniable manner is so much better, isn't it?

cross posted with your update! I wouldn't feel bad about thinking he'd thrown it in the skip - putting it in the loft is equally scatterbrained and ridiculous, and has resulted in a) you losing most of the day b) a huge, unneeded amount of stress c) a huge mess where you've had to go through everything!
How can he still be defending that "logic?" Why would a working, frequently used laptop go in the loft ffs, or even be packed away with books in a box?

In. The. Loft. FFS how?!

I would suggest a very thorough labelling system for any future box filling, after the skip. Good luck with your essay and your DD's treatment.

Phew. Just keep the laptop out of his way whilst skip is there

Oh thank goodness

OP are you the poster whose DH has lots of bike stuff?

I must admit, I don't really understand why you allowed any shed stuff in the bedroom. I'd be marching it straight back out again.

Loft, maybe one box at a time to be sorted in the ...shed?

Cool.

Can he actually sort things out? I mean, does he have the mental wherewithal to do that? It sounds like he has a disability. Now, if he was, say, a wheelchair user you could get angry with him for not getting up a couple of steps but more likely is that you would help him or put in a ramp. His problem is less visible.

I know someone a bit like this and they just can't 'sort things out'. His putting your laptop in with books wasn't an act of hostility, it made sense to him. He is wired differently. So, the bloke I know, has some coping strategies to do with date and value and use. They are quite unique and work for him, may not work for your partner.

@FuckingFabulous

LAPTOP LOCATED!!!!!

In a box full of books to be listed on eBay which he had put in the loft

DH remembers now that he put it there because my previous OU set texts were there. 🤔

He's grovelling a bit and apologetic but also defending the thought process that put the laptop there in the first place.

I've told him he's got to get that room sorted before I go to bed, which will probably be about midnight if I'm to get the main part of this assignment down.

Excellent. Now keep it safe from DH. 😎

It sounds like a rather muddled thought process that lead to him putting it in that box. 🤨