DH lost laptop and now assignment will be late

[FuckingFabulous]

Ok, before I start, he's not horrible and I don't need to LTB. He has ADHD, but at the moment I'm too cross to consider that relevant, even though it definitely is.

I have an assignment due at midday on Wednesday for my degree. I already had a weeks extension because I'm a carer for DD and her condition has been worsening lately. I've been called by the hospital this morning and been given a last minute appointment for our DD, so she is going into hospital tomorrow for tests and I'm accompanying her. I intended to shut myself away with my notes and drafts today, get it all typed up, edit and send. DH knows this was my plan anyway, but I would probably have proofread on Tuesday and then sent. Due to the high needs of DD, this one day "off" to type everything from my notes works well for me.

Anyway. I've gone to get my laptop. It's not there. DH was the last person to use it to update his CV about a fortnight ago. I asked DH for it but he said he wasn't sure where he had put it and he didn't know if he'd be able to find it. He then went into a massive speech about how we both need to organise and sort our bedroom today and that he can't be expected to do it on his own, that the laptop is likely to be in any one of the stacks of stuff in there.

He only can't find it because over the last week he has taken it upon himself to create piles and piles of shit everywhere in our bedroom (clothes he was sorting, tools he was sorting, paperwork he was sorting, stuff for the loft he was sorting) and as much as it pisses me off, I've not helped him because he did half a job like always and expected me to project manage and do most of it myself. I took a stand and told him that this is not my problem to sort, it's his, and then did nothing except remind him that it's not going to sort itself (while inwardly seething about it and pep talking myself into ignoring all the stuff).

He's definitely not the type to hide my laptop so I have to help him sort the mess he's created, he's more likely to have simply bundled it into his piles of random stuff and didn't pay attention to where.

But I'm fuming. Absolutely fucking fuming. I've gone upstairs and DH is just sitting on the edge of the bed staring at all his stacks, obviously overwhelmed by the huge amount of work he's created for me himself and waiting for me to come and sort it all out!! I feel he's been totally inconsiderate, both of my course and of my belongings, and I'm feeling very upset, very unsupported and very fucking angry!! I've just had to ask my tutor for another extension, which makes me look bad and makes me feel like a piss taker. I am so angry. I've told DH that I am feeling this way and that he can get on with finding my laptop and he's still not moved but is now giving me the silent treatment.

AIBU to expect him to damn well find it?! And to apologise for this extra stress he's created?

@LunaHeather

OP are you the poster whose DH has lots of bike stuff?

I must admit, I don't really understand why you allowed any shed stuff in the bedroom. I'd be marching it straight back out again.

Loft, maybe one box at a time to be sorted in the ...shed?

Definitely not got a lot of bike stuff. It would be more tolerable if all the stuff followed a theme!

I am so glad you've found it!

I would recommend in the future having a "spot" the laptop is kept when not in use. Mine is always kept on the bottom of the bookshelf when I'm not using it. DH's is always kept under the coffee table.

How is putting it in a box in the loft any different from in a pile to put in a skip? How is the first one any better?

OP leaving stuff half done everywhere is a hallmark of ADHD. That being said it had to be managed so that it doesn’t impact your life.

Things that might help :
Very specific list of things to do
‘Chuck boxes’ all over the house so he won’t wander around putting things everywhere just chucking them in brightly coloured boxes to narrow down where u have to look

Also forgot to add try to keep him contained in one room and have reminders everywhere I.e if you are holding something in your hands put it down so that the laptop won’t travel to the loft for example

I'm so glad it's been found.

My DD has ADHD and I know how challenging it can be.

@BlokeHereInPeace

Cool.

Can he actually sort things out? I mean, does he have the mental wherewithal to do that? It sounds like he has a disability. Now, if he was, say, a wheelchair user you could get angry with him for not getting up a couple of steps but more likely is that you would help him or put in a ramp. His problem is less visible.

I know someone a bit like this and they just can't 'sort things out'. His putting your laptop in with books wasn't an act of hostility, it made sense to him. He is wired differently. So, the bloke I know, has some coping strategies to do with date and value and use. They are quite unique and work for him, may not work for your partner.

During lockdown, where he's had to function at home more and more, it seems not. Like when ND kids mask at school.... it's almost like he's been masking at home during the times of day where it's busy. In the evening he's just himself, there aren't any demands he would find difficult to meet. Bathing or showering youngest DS, reading his bedtime story, helping him clean his teeth- he is capable and happy to do this. He's happy to do maths homework with the older kids. Always happy to take the dog for a run. Happy to do shopping (he has to have a written list.... if I send him with a comment to get bread and milk, he'll get bread, milk and £150 worth of stuff we don't need) or to pick up a click and collect. And he's just relaxed and funny and loving. But as soon as things outside of his learned comfort zone come up, he can't handle it, and I find it really hard to manage that! Like the stacking all the boxes from the loft and piles of tools and things in our room! To him, I expect it made perfect sense. I expect it looked like it needed sorting, wouldn't leave his mind, and doesn't bother him now because every time he looks at it he sees something that's being sorted, not something that's just been left. Whereas I see very much something that's been half arsed, left in a state and in my way.

@WhoStoleMyCheese

OP leaving stuff half done everywhere is a hallmark of ADHD. That being said it had to be managed so that it doesn’t impact your life.

Things that might help :
Very specific list of things to do
‘Chuck boxes’ all over the house so he won’t wander around putting things everywhere just chucking them in brightly coloured boxes to narrow down where u have to look

I know 😫😫

It just is very wearing sometimes. I love this man, even in his challenging moments, I just wish that his challenging moments didn't represent huge amounts of work or stress for me

Glad it’s been located 👍

My DH is similar, but won’t talk to anyone to be assessed because “what could a Doctor do about it at my age?”. So I keep all my things separate and leave him to it.

Could you do that, have a cupboard/cabinet that he knows is yours and he can’t/doesn’t need to sort out?

@Wrinklyeyes

How is putting it in a box in the loft any different from in a pile to put in a skip? How is the first one any better?

Because the skip got collected. So if it was in the skip, it would be gone. It was in the loft. Therefore still in the house

@Wrinklyeyes

How is putting it in a box in the loft any different from in a pile to put in a skip? How is the first one any better?

To be fair, OP was worried it had been taken away in the skip. At least this way the laptop isn't lost completely.

Crosspost :)

So he found your old textbooks, from last year I guess, which are going to be sold on ebay and thought that putting the laptop in with them made sense because..... books you no longer need and dont look at paired with laptop you need regularly? And that made more sense than plugging the laptop back into its charger, leaving it on your desk, or even putting it with the textbooks you currently use?

Sorry, but I wouldn't be forgiving him until he stopped defending his ridiculous thought process and just bloody admits how much of an issue his behaviour is.

I’m so glad that you have found it, OP, but you cannot go on living like this. He either needs to revisit the question of medication or he needs to access support to put other strategies in place. You can’t continue to enable him. If it helps at all my brother was diagnosed in his 30s and medication has literally changed his life, but admittedly he doesn’t have the consideration of lots of driving. Good luck.

I just wanted to reach out and give you a big hug, OP. I would not be able to have half of your patience with this mess making. Your DH is a very lucky man that it is you he is living with.

Glad you found the laptop. Good luck with your essay/degree and best to your DD with hospital trip and treatment.

You need more than a glass of wine!

So glad you have it!

However, it’s clearly ridiculous that he put it IN A BOX. IN THE LOFT!

Now is not the time to stress about this - you need to get your work done.

But it seems like you’ll have to have serious conversations when you’ve given in your assignment. Your husband’s behaviour is chaotic and unusual and he needs to change it.

I'm glad it's been found OP - enjoy your glass of wine.

You mentioned earlier that he works (when not furloughed)

Does he throw stuff out/lose things from where he works?
You must have the patience of a saint!

That's good news. But please say you will lock it away or something from now on, have the skips in, and find a way going forward that his hoarding issue does not impact your life like this. He must know he's got a problem, your harmonious future depends on him finding a way to manage this.

I don't think I have ever been so invested in a thread. My husband tidied up my daughter's iPad by putting it in a heap of similar looking things not knowing it was an iPad. He was hours away from claiming on insurance when I had the bright idea to go through the notebooks and files he had heaped.

I hope everything goes well with the writing and especially with your daughter.

We will all be cheering you on and I am sure your husband will be your biggest cheer leader.

@SparkysMagicPiano

I'm glad it's been found OP - enjoy your glass of wine.

You mentioned earlier that he works (when not furloughed)

Does he throw stuff out/lose things from where he works?
You must have the patience of a saint!

All the time. He has special licenses for certain things and he loses them, his phone, his keys, his passes, his paperwork. ALL. THE. TIME. He also takes my keys to work too often if it's frosty. He'll start my car to de-ice it, have it all perfectly done so that I can take the DC to school, but he will have locked my car and pocketed the keys, totally absentmindedly. He'll make coffee and forget about it. He used to put food in the oven and forget it, hence why the rule in this house is that you set the oven timer before you open the door. He forgets to put frozen food away, I have about four Christmas and birthday gifts somewhere in this house that he's put somewhere safe and doesn't remember where they are. I expressed a liking for a particular chocolate from Thornton's once. I said the words "I love this chocolate, I wish I had it all the time!"...... and that's all I got for Xmas. About £100 worth of this chocolate.

There are a lot of people commenting who don’t understand ADHD at all.

Stop suggesting that he’s done it on purpose. OP knows her husband, understands him, loves him and doesn’t need to LTB.

I’m glad you’ve found it, OP.

Now you need to find a way to safeguard your sanity. He needs to get medicated, Imo.

If he can't take mefs he needs to make himself a system that works, keys by the door, multiple phone alerts to remind him to put them by the door etc. If he finds something of yours it goes in a certain place.
Not taking meds and seemingly making no effort to organise himself just creating more work for you, would give me the rage.

@CakeIsEternal

So he found your old textbooks, from last year I guess, which are going to be sold on ebay and thought that putting the laptop in with them made sense because..... books you no longer need and dont look at paired with laptop you need regularly? And that made more sense than plugging the laptop back into its charger, leaving it on your desk, or even putting it with the textbooks you currently use?

Sorry, but I wouldn't be forgiving him until he stopped defending his ridiculous thought process and just bloody admits how much of an issue his behaviour is.

I'm very pleased to hear you have it back but I agree with this. It is pathetic reasoning, is that a feature of ADHD?

Has your absolute despair today had any impact on him other using it as an excuse not to man up and take responsility for sorting out a situation of his own making?

@FuckingFabulous

Now I feel really bad for thinking he'd chucked it in the skip in an infuriatingly scatterbrained manner.

Don’t. He couldn’t locate it, it took hours. If you can’t find it easily it was lost (temporarily).

Not taking meds and seemingly making no effort to organise himself just creating more work for you, would give me the rage

His choice not to take meds.

But not his choice to say “ I’ll just create chaos and my wife will sort it out for me “.

If he wants to live med free he needs to put serious work and effort into setting up systems and using them.