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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Its my choice who is there when I give birth

900 replies

ShinyGreenElephant · 07/02/2021 19:50

Just had a blazing row with my husband so want to canvas some opinions as I'm planning to absolutely blow my top once the kids are in bed and I'm aware that I am extremely hormonal and could be over reacting. I'm due with dd3 in 2 weeks, having a home birth. Hes just announced that he has asked DSD to come and stay the week I'm due as he would like her to be there when I give birth. I said I'm not comfortable with her in the room when I'm giving birth (many many reasons but it boils down to I'm just not comfortable with it and wouldn't be at my most relaxed), and tried to explain in a nice way. He immediately got defensive and said well why are you comfortable with your own DD then? I said because shes my daughter shes part of me its completely different. When you give birth you can choose your own audience, this is my choice. He said well if I cant have dsd there youre not having your dd there. I said how about I dont have you there, that solves the problem, and I'm now upstairs absolutely furious but don't want DD11 upstairs to hear a row or DD2 who's still awake to realise were arguing.

For reference our DDs are 10 and 11 and neither of them will want to be in the room, but I want my DD to have the choice to come in if she decides to. DD2 will be there unless shes asleep when I give birth. There are SO many reasons I dont want DSD there but the main one is that the idea of it makes my insides curl up and I want to cry. So that doesn't seem conducive to a lovely relaxed labour. I'd 1000% rather DH wasn't there than DSD was.

Am I being an evil stepmother? She will NOT want to be there at all, this is purely DH being (imo) an absolute dickhead.

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 11/02/2021 16:17

@Cokie3 OP said her mum would have them only in an emergency, which it now is as her husband isn't there to look after them.

I appreciate your argument that having the children there at all might upset them but as another poster said, many children do witness their mothers give birth and it is not for you to say that is unequivocally wrong. It is for the parents to decide.

Meowtha · 11/02/2021 16:23

Nobody - step child or anyone else - should be entitled to see the vagina of someone against their wishes.

Fuck whether it's "fair". In this case I don't necessarily think it has to be fair.

Cokie3 · 11/02/2021 16:24

@aSofaNearYou If giving birth isn't an 'emergency' I don't know what is.

I wonder if those children feel they cannot tell their mother that it scarred them or upset them. The psychological impact of seeing and hearing that would be enormous on any child. Children sense when their parents have expectations and I think other posters underestimate the pressure and shame on the child to not open up about their feelings.

aSofaNearYou · 11/02/2021 16:32

@Cokie3 Yes, but they obviously didn't consider it an emergency when her husband was there to look after them.

Perhaps you should do some research into the psychological effects of children witnessing childbirth? I wouldn't do it myself, but still, just because one person thinks it is a bad idea, doesn't mean all other parents have to agree, as evidenced by the fact that this is a reasonably common practice.

PADH · 11/02/2021 16:34

@Cokie3

What I don't get is she originally said she had no one to mind the children, yet that clearly wasn't true as her last post said they would go to her mothers now. Which, should have been the way right from the start. Yeah, the husband's a selfish arsehole but she doesn't sound much better by subjecting the poor children to this, it could traumatise them. It isn't imo something a child should see, from a child (psychological) protective perspective. Apart from their DD/DSD being traumatised by seeing it, having kids coming and going in and out of the room, probably shrieking at the sight, etc, sounds like a 7th circle of hell and not relaxing or conducive to calm birthing at all. Yes I know DD said she'd stay upstairs, but still, you don't know how she will react to her mother's screams. I'm putting myself in the shoes of OP's poor little girl. If I were her, hearing my mum cry and scream and grunt in pain would have me breaking down in tears. I could not cope with it. I don't know many/if any children that could.
Her mum is vulnerable so they were trying to avoid having to use her for childcare
BluebellsGreenbells · 11/02/2021 16:42

I didn’t scream during childbirth - that’s a bit exaggerated.

Birth is a natural occurrence, but not a spectator sport.

Cokie3 · 11/02/2021 16:59

[quote aSofaNearYou]@Cokie3 Yes, but they obviously didn't consider it an emergency when her husband was there to look after them.

Perhaps you should do some research into the psychological effects of children witnessing childbirth? I wouldn't do it myself, but still, just because one person thinks it is a bad idea, doesn't mean all other parents have to agree, as evidenced by the fact that this is a reasonably common practice.[/quote]
Perhaps you should do some research into the psychological effects of children witnessing childbirth? I wouldn't do it myself, but still, just because one person thinks it is a bad idea, doesn't mean all other parents have to agree, as evidenced by the fact that this is a reasonably common practice.

I have. Hence my comments. It's very rare in countries like the UK, it's mainly practiced in developing countries where the hospital system is not like ours.

TurquoiseDragon · 11/02/2021 17:00

[quote RuledbyASD]@TurquoiseDragon I have given birth myself and wouldn't DREAM of locking a child out must because she isn't biologically related to me! She is the baby's sister! Just as much as OP's daughters are!!!

This thread has made me extremely sad. Thank god my daughter won't ever have a stepmother [/quote]
This issue has fuck all to do with whether a child is biologically related to the labouring woman.

As has been said before, it's about who the labouring woman feels comfortable with at a very vulnerable time of her life.

When giving birth, if stress levels get too high, it can cause peaks in hormones that can hinder, or even in some cases stop, the birthing process. Having someone present who doesn't help you feel comfortable is going to raise those stress levels.

This is the one time of a woman's life when her needs are paramount, and she gets to decide who is present or not.

Hell, I didn't have my mum there, as she was far too squeamish and would have made it all about her, and I'd have been better off not having my ex there (wish I had put my foot down now). I would not have had any children present, either.

Fiona2020 · 11/02/2021 17:04

[quote Cokie3]@RootyT00t Adoptive parents have LEGAL RIGHTS. A stepparent has ZERO legal rights. If the SD's mum objects to OP being present at SD's parent-teacher interviews, she as the mother, has the legal right to object to anyone else other than her and her exH being present. If OP and her husband divorce, OP has ZERO rights to see SD again.

The MOTHER calls the shots, not the stepmum. If as mother she says no to OP being present at school, she has that legal right. Adoptive parents are legally vested and sign court documents, a step mum/stepdad/defacto does not. You cannot compare the two.

The OP can solve this easily by giving birth in a hospital. That will ensure baby has is safe if anything goes wrong and no one except herself has to be in the room giving birth and she can give the hospital the authority to prevent anyone she doesn't want being there.[/quote]
The MOTHER AND FATHER. Too many mothers thinking they have all the rights!

AryaStarkWolf · 11/02/2021 17:10

@ShinyGreenElephant

Sorry, once the adrenaline of the argument wore off I've been really upset to the point that I'm feeling really ill, and some of the replies really weren't helping so I stopped reading. Haven't heard a word from 'd'h so at this point I'm looking at the kids going to my mums and I give birth with just the midwife. Not having someone there who causes me this level of stress at 38 weeks pregnant. Thanks so much for everyone who's been so supportive, I'm probably going to disappear again as I'm just a bit sensitive at the moment for AIBU but I'll update once DD arrives.
Good luck OP, hope everything goes well and your DH apologies to you
RootyT00t · 11/02/2021 17:22

[quote Cokie3]@RootyT00t Adoptive parents have LEGAL RIGHTS. A stepparent has ZERO legal rights. If the SD's mum objects to OP being present at SD's parent-teacher interviews, she as the mother, has the legal right to object to anyone else other than her and her exH being present. If OP and her husband divorce, OP has ZERO rights to see SD again.

The MOTHER calls the shots, not the stepmum. If as mother she says no to OP being present at school, she has that legal right. Adoptive parents are legally vested and sign court documents, a step mum/stepdad/defacto does not. You cannot compare the two.

The OP can solve this easily by giving birth in a hospital. That will ensure baby has is safe if anything goes wrong and no one except herself has to be in the room giving birth and she can give the hospital the authority to prevent anyone she doesn't want being there.[/quote]
You don't need to SHOUT. I'm not stupid.

Jacketpotato84 · 11/02/2021 17:23

Not quite the end of the world is it looking after 2 kids on your own whilst pregnant. Again you do like your dramatics

RootyT00t · 11/02/2021 17:24

@funinthesun19

It's his daughter though isn't it, your body blah blah but I can see where he's coming from

Tell you what. If and when he goes and has an intimate medical procedure/examination/check up or whatever, he can invite his daughter to that instead.

Because that's the same.
Cokie3 · 11/02/2021 17:24

It's called EMPHASIS, @RootyT00t .

aSofaNearYou · 11/02/2021 17:32

@Jacketpotato84 When she could go into labour at any moment? Yes I would say that's far from ideal, and that it's his responsibility as the person who got her pregnant to be there to care for her at that time.

I don't think it's us that like dramatics, frankly.

aSofaNearYou · 11/02/2021 17:32


@funinthesun19


It's his daughter though isn't it, your body blah blah but I can see where he's coming from*

Tell you what. If and when he goes and has an intimate medical procedure/examination/check up or whatever, he can invite his daughter to that instead.




Because that's the same.*

No it's not the same, it's considerably less stressful and intimate.

Jacketpotato84 · 11/02/2021 17:43

[quote aSofaNearYou]@Jacketpotato84 When she could go into labour at any moment? Yes I would say that's far from ideal, and that it's his responsibility as the person who got her pregnant to be there to care for her at that time.

I don't think it's us that like dramatics, frankly.[/quote]
Does she not have a phone to call him on no?

aSofaNearYou · 11/02/2021 17:51

@Jacketpotato84 She hasn't heard from him since Sunday. I don't know about you but it would be such an irregular occurrence to me for my partner, and the father of my existing child, to disappear for 4 days without contacting either of us, and it would of course raise doubts as to whether she would be able to contact him at all if labour began.

It is an unacceptable level of stress for the father of the child to put a heavily pregnant woman under, how on Earth can you be blind to that and defend it? If an about to drop, heavily pregnant woman came up to you and told you her husband had vanished without telling her or making arrangements for their toddler, and she hadn't heard from him in days, would you really just say "well you have a phone if you go into labour, what's your issue?"

Jacketpotato84 · 11/02/2021 17:53

I would make other arrangements like she has but the show must go on.

RootyT00t · 11/02/2021 18:27

@aSofaNearYou

*[quote funinthesun19] It's his daughter though isn't it, your body blah blah but I can see where he's coming from

Tell you what. If and when he goes and has an intimate medical procedure/examination/check up or whatever, he can invite his daughter to that instead.

Because that's the same.*

No it's not the same, it's considerably less stressful and intimate.[/quote]
And also less significant.

RootyT00t · 11/02/2021 18:28

@Hettya

So if the child was awake they may have witnessed the birth. So what?
Because it wasn't a spectator sport two pages ago and people were frothing about that? Or is it only a spectator sport if it's not OPs biological child?
Youseethethingis · 11/02/2021 18:32

@RootyT00t
You’re still determined that you don’t know what it is to be a parent so I’m not sure anyone here can help you with your questions.

RootyT00t · 11/02/2021 18:53

[quote Youseethethingis]@RootyT00t
You’re still determined that you don’t know what it is to be a parent so I’m not sure anyone here can help you with your questions.[/quote]
Okdoke.

'you don't know what it is' meaning you don't unanimously and equilatetally agree that OP has the right to make any decision she likes and the step child has no right to feel affected and DH is totally wrong because life is black and white with no grey.

I'm honestly beyond bored even trying. This stamping on people who have a slightly different opinion is worse than its ever been.

aSofaNearYou · 11/02/2021 18:54

I would make other arrangements like she has but the show must go on

A very ironic turn of phrase in this context.

aSofaNearYou · 11/02/2021 18:57

@RootyT00ty To answer your question, it becomes a spectator sport when you start inviting people in that the person going through it doesn't want there. I would have thought that was obvious.