Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Its my choice who is there when I give birth

900 replies

ShinyGreenElephant · 07/02/2021 19:50

Just had a blazing row with my husband so want to canvas some opinions as I'm planning to absolutely blow my top once the kids are in bed and I'm aware that I am extremely hormonal and could be over reacting. I'm due with dd3 in 2 weeks, having a home birth. Hes just announced that he has asked DSD to come and stay the week I'm due as he would like her to be there when I give birth. I said I'm not comfortable with her in the room when I'm giving birth (many many reasons but it boils down to I'm just not comfortable with it and wouldn't be at my most relaxed), and tried to explain in a nice way. He immediately got defensive and said well why are you comfortable with your own DD then? I said because shes my daughter shes part of me its completely different. When you give birth you can choose your own audience, this is my choice. He said well if I cant have dsd there youre not having your dd there. I said how about I dont have you there, that solves the problem, and I'm now upstairs absolutely furious but don't want DD11 upstairs to hear a row or DD2 who's still awake to realise were arguing.

For reference our DDs are 10 and 11 and neither of them will want to be in the room, but I want my DD to have the choice to come in if she decides to. DD2 will be there unless shes asleep when I give birth. There are SO many reasons I dont want DSD there but the main one is that the idea of it makes my insides curl up and I want to cry. So that doesn't seem conducive to a lovely relaxed labour. I'd 1000% rather DH wasn't there than DSD was.

Am I being an evil stepmother? She will NOT want to be there at all, this is purely DH being (imo) an absolute dickhead.

OP posts:
RootyT00t · 11/02/2021 19:00

[quote aSofaNearYou]@RootyT00ty To answer your question, it becomes a spectator sport when you start inviting people in that the person going through it doesn't want there. I would have thought that was obvious.[/quote]
It is.

I just can't quite believe people are saying if child wakes up who cares oh well but absolut my hysterical about child b being there based on biology (and OPs wishes before anyone shoots me down).

Im clearly the only one in my view though which is fine!

aSofaNearYou · 11/02/2021 19:07

It is. I just can't quite believe people are saying if child wakes up who cares oh well but absolut my hysterical about child b being there based on biology (and OPs wishes before anyone shoots me down). Im clearly the only one in my view though which is fine!

Nobody is hysterical about her being there purely because of biology. They are angry about her being there purely and entirely because OP does not want her to be there. There is no secondary reason.

RootyT00t · 11/02/2021 19:09

@aSofaNearYou

It is. I just can't quite believe people are saying if child wakes up who cares oh well but absolut my hysterical about child b being there based on biology (and OPs wishes before anyone shoots me down). Im clearly the only one in my view though which is fine!

Nobody is hysterical about her being there purely because of biology. They are angry about her being there purely and entirely because OP does not want her to be there. There is no secondary reason.

I get that. But this completr refusal to even see th other side is odd.

Not that I'm condoning DHS behaviour

Youseethethingis · 11/02/2021 19:14

@RootyT00t
I’m not even referring specifically to the OPs scenario anymore. You don’t or won’t acknowledge the difference between a parent and all the adults in a child’s life who are not their parents.
Personally I don’t think I’d want my child around when I have birth, but the last time i gave birth the baby was dead and I nearly died too. So that’s my story. That doesn’t mean I cannot accept that OPs previous birth experiences and relationship with her child leads her to a different view point.
The step child has the right to feel anything, of course she does, but her father has to help her manage those feelings, not teach her that they are the only ones that matter in a scenario that isn’t actually mainly about her.

Hettya · 11/02/2021 19:43

Because it wasn't a spectator sport two pages ago and people were frothing about that? Or is it only a spectator sport if it's not OPs biological child?

No it's not. Because the child is invited. It's up to the birthing woman who is there.

RootyT00t · 11/02/2021 20:09

[quote Youseethethingis]@RootyT00t
I’m not even referring specifically to the OPs scenario anymore. You don’t or won’t acknowledge the difference between a parent and all the adults in a child’s life who are not their parents.
Personally I don’t think I’d want my child around when I have birth, but the last time i gave birth the baby was dead and I nearly died too. So that’s my story. That doesn’t mean I cannot accept that OPs previous birth experiences and relationship with her child leads her to a different view point.
The step child has the right to feel anything, of course she does, but her father has to help her manage those feelings, not teach her that they are the only ones that matter in a scenario that isn’t actually mainly about her.[/quote]
There is a spectrum though.

Nobody is teaching her that her feelings are the only ones that matter. They are teaching her they are the only ones that don't.

aSofaNearYou · 11/02/2021 20:12

@RootyT00t No, they are teaching her that hers aren't the feelings that matter most at that given time, if anything. Your description is ridiculously over emotive.

RootyT00t · 11/02/2021 20:14

[quote aSofaNearYou]@RootyT00t No, they are teaching her that hers aren't the feelings that matter most at that given time, if anything. Your description is ridiculously over emotive.[/quote]
🙄

aSofaNearYou · 11/02/2021 20:19

@RootyT00t What's that supposed to mean?

RootyT00t · 11/02/2021 20:20

[quote aSofaNearYou]@RootyT00t What's that supposed to mean?[/quote]
That there's no point me saying anything else.

Hettya · 11/02/2021 20:21

No, they are teaching her that hers aren't the feelings that matter most at that given time, if anything. Your description is ridiculously over emotive.

Yep. Starting to wonder if rootytoot is the ops DH. They're very invested in the rights of the child to watch her step mother give birth (against her will).

aSofaNearYou · 11/02/2021 20:21

@RoottT00t We can agree on that.

Youseethethingis · 11/02/2021 20:48

Nobody is teaching her that her feelings are the only ones that matter. They are teaching her they are the only ones that don't
In this case they are right. They don’t. There are some times occasions where a compromise isn’t really a compromise so much as letting someone else have their moment at the expense of yours. This isn’t the DSDs moment.

RootyT00t · 11/02/2021 21:19

@Hettya

No, they are teaching her that hers aren't the feelings that matter most at that given time, if anything. Your description is ridiculously over emotive.

Yep. Starting to wonder if rootytoot is the ops DH. They're very invested in the rights of the child to watch her step mother give birth (against her will).

Yeah you got me.

Because I must be a man to not unilaterally agree with the woman.

I didn't say anything about rights. I agreed on page 1 it was OPs choice. I just dared to see things from OH and step child side. How dreadful of me. I could only possibly be the DH cause he's the only single being in the universe who would think like that.

RootyT00t · 11/02/2021 21:19

[quote aSofaNearYou]@RoottT00t We can agree on that. [/quote]
Excellent

PrincessBuggerPants · 11/02/2021 21:21

The expectation of women to perform loyalties, when at their most vulnerable, is just disgusting.

LolaSmiles · 11/02/2021 21:27

No it's not. Because the child is invited. It's up to the birthing woman who is there.
100% this.
How are we still debating whether a woman in labour gets to decide who she is comfortable with being present when she gives birth?

RootyT00t · 11/02/2021 21:35

@LolaSmiles

No it's not. Because the child is invited. It's up to the birthing woman who is there. 100% this. How are we still debating whether a woman in labour gets to decide who she is comfortable with being present when she gives birth?
We aren't.

I never was.

I never said she doesn't get to decide!

Nanny0gg · 11/02/2021 22:00

I hope if the OP wants any further advice, she starts a new thread as this one is of no use to her now.

RootyT00t · 11/02/2021 22:01

@Nanny0gg

I hope if the OP wants any further advice, she starts a new thread as this one is of no use to her now.
Bit dramatic.

We have derailed somewhat but given that every single other poster is in agreement with her (and despite my views I still wish her well and hope she is doing OK!) She could easily ask.

LouJ85 · 11/02/2021 22:02

*Nobody - step child or anyone else - should be entitled to see the vagina of someone against their wishes.

Fuck whether it's "fair". In this case I don't necessarily think it has to be fair.*

This!!

Jesus how is this even a debate?! I'll be giving birth to mine and DP's first baby together in a couple months and he wouldn't have the idiocy to even make the suggestion that I allow his daughter there, let alone strop off somewhere leaving me alone and vulnerable when I quite rightly said fuck that.

I hope you're OK, OP. This must be so stressful in your current situation Thanks

funinthesun19 · 11/02/2021 23:11

Because that's the same

Yeah, it’s not. Because society has made it that way. They’re all medical procedures and the person going through them should have complete control over who sees it happen.

But somehow, women giving birth should forget about themselves and their own feelings and let everyone who wants to see the baby being born to just come in and watch. People forget that it’s an actual medical emergency and see it as some spectator sport instead.

Nobody wants to go and watch a man have his knob examined, true. They would rather go and watch a baby being born. BUT it’s not about them and what they want. And if he’s so bothered about including his daughter then like I said, he can take her to his own medical appointments instead of thinking he gets to decide who watches someone else’s.

RootyT00t · 11/02/2021 23:21

@funinthesun19

Because that's the same

Yeah, it’s not. Because society has made it that way. They’re all medical procedures and the person going through them should have complete control over who sees it happen.

But somehow, women giving birth should forget about themselves and their own feelings and let everyone who wants to see the baby being born to just come in and watch. People forget that it’s an actual medical emergency and see it as some spectator sport instead.

Nobody wants to go and watch a man have his knob examined, true. They would rather go and watch a baby being born. BUT it’s not about them and what they want. And if he’s so bothered about including his daughter then like I said, he can take her to his own medical appointments instead of thinking he gets to decide who watches someone else’s.

"But somehow, women giving birth should forget about themselves and their own feelings and let everyone who wants to see the baby being born to just come in and watch. " Nobody has said that on this thread.

I just don't believe anyone is obtuse enough to think this is purely about a man deciding he will decide who watches what. I really despair.

aSofaNearYou · 12/02/2021 00:12

I just don't believe anyone is obtuse enough to think this is purely about a man deciding he will decide who watches what. I really despair.

What on Earth do you think it is about?

Hettya · 12/02/2021 00:29

just don't believe anyone is obtuse enough to think this is purely about a man deciding he will decide who watches what. I really despair.

Maybe you should go back and read the original post then ConfusedHmm

Swipe left for the next trending thread