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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Its my choice who is there when I give birth

900 replies

ShinyGreenElephant · 07/02/2021 19:50

Just had a blazing row with my husband so want to canvas some opinions as I'm planning to absolutely blow my top once the kids are in bed and I'm aware that I am extremely hormonal and could be over reacting. I'm due with dd3 in 2 weeks, having a home birth. Hes just announced that he has asked DSD to come and stay the week I'm due as he would like her to be there when I give birth. I said I'm not comfortable with her in the room when I'm giving birth (many many reasons but it boils down to I'm just not comfortable with it and wouldn't be at my most relaxed), and tried to explain in a nice way. He immediately got defensive and said well why are you comfortable with your own DD then? I said because shes my daughter shes part of me its completely different. When you give birth you can choose your own audience, this is my choice. He said well if I cant have dsd there youre not having your dd there. I said how about I dont have you there, that solves the problem, and I'm now upstairs absolutely furious but don't want DD11 upstairs to hear a row or DD2 who's still awake to realise were arguing.

For reference our DDs are 10 and 11 and neither of them will want to be in the room, but I want my DD to have the choice to come in if she decides to. DD2 will be there unless shes asleep when I give birth. There are SO many reasons I dont want DSD there but the main one is that the idea of it makes my insides curl up and I want to cry. So that doesn't seem conducive to a lovely relaxed labour. I'd 1000% rather DH wasn't there than DSD was.

Am I being an evil stepmother? She will NOT want to be there at all, this is purely DH being (imo) an absolute dickhead.

OP posts:
Crazybirdlady · 12/02/2021 00:34

Women. We really are our own worst enemies.

funinthesun19 · 12/02/2021 02:12

I just don't believe anyone is obtuse enough to think this is purely about a man deciding he will decide who watches what. I really despair.

He wants his daughter to be in the room when the op give birth. The op doesn’t want her in the room.
He’s now gone off in a huff because he’s not getting his own way.

What else am I supposed to think based on that information?
Confused

MzHz · 12/02/2021 07:45

My anaesthetist booted out 2 students when I was having a procedure after ds was born because he didn’t think they had enough respect or manners as they had not asked if the could observe

Original poster
ShinyGreenElephant · 12/02/2021 11:20

Hi, I haven't read all the comments since I last posted but just thought I would update. Dh came back with his tail between his legs, full of apologies. Said he hadn't thought it through and was just being defensive (suspect he spoke to his mum about it and she told him he was ridiculous). He's reverted to the original plan and is on his way now to collect DSD until Wednesday, then his mum will drive down and pick her up again for a few days once DD3 arrives. He mentioned the birth to her mum when he phoned to change the plans back and was told we are "hippy weirdos" and made it clear she would not be happy with DSD attending (not that that was ever going to happen), so if I do go into labour early while she's here, she will go and stay with MIL, and as far as DSD is concerned thats what her and her mum have decided on - not being left out, uninvited or segregated at all. Everyone is happy.

Dh is far from forgiven - I'm sure it will surprise noone to learn that this is NOT the first issue we've had with him putting his guilt over DSD living 100s of miles away and barely visiting (which is her choice not ours) above the rest of us, but thats a whole other thread. For now he is being extra extra nice, waiting on me hand and food and I'd rather just let things lie at the moment as its just not the time for a big bomb to go off in my relationship. Hes on thin fucking ice and he knows it but I just want a nice half term with all the kids together and a lovely calm birth for DD3.

Thanks so so much to everyone who's offered support and advice, its helped so much.

OP posts:
Original poster
ShinyGreenElephant · 12/02/2021 11:28

@cokie3 my mum is clinically vulnerable and very very nervous to have the kids. They will go there in an emergency only. MIL smokes in the house and has a giant dog so I'm not comfortable for them to go there (DH is fine for DSD to go there and thats his choice - her mum smokes all over her and they have 3 dogs, plus she's nearly 11 so its a bit different to a toddler). If DH hadn't have come back then I couldn't very well have given birth with an 11yo and a 2yo and just a midwife, so my mum offered to step in. Shes now very very glad she doesnt have to. She loves the kids but is terrified of covid which is fair enough. So were back to the original plan which I'm very glad about since I'm still unsure why anyone thought it was their business to try and change it but there you go.

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 12/02/2021 11:35

So, so pleased to read your update OP, and that your DH has at least seen the error of his ways on this occasion. This thread has really touched me so I'll be thinking of you, and wishing you all the best for your delivery!

MzHz · 12/02/2021 11:51

Oh that’s good news! I’m glad he’s seen some sense

And I’m also glad the dsd mum is on the right page too!

MzHz · 12/02/2021 11:52

Love the idea of your h waiting on you “hand and food”

That sounds about right :)

SparkysMagicPiano · 12/02/2021 12:21

I am very glad that this has been sorted OP.

I hope everything goes exactly as you would want for the birth.

YoniAndGuy · 12/02/2021 12:24

I'm glad that things are looking more positive OP.

Don't hesitate to not allow him in the room if you feel antagonistic towards him still given his lack of support and respect.

Not the first issue - i'm not surprised in the least.

MyLittleOrangutan · 12/02/2021 12:28

So glad to read your update! Hope everything goes well with DD3s arrival.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 12/02/2021 12:29

@StatisticallyChallenged

Did someone leave the gate open at the cunt farm, with a trail of breadcrumbs leading straight to this thread?
Oh I'm sorry, that made me properly snort with laughter! Good one Grin

@ShinyGreenElephant - I'm glad for you that he's come back penitent, and that his mother seems to have talked some sense into him. Hope that all goes well and that he continues to make it up to you and doesn't revert to previous form. Good luck for a quiet and uneventful birth!

LouJ85 · 12/02/2021 13:05

Fantastic to see your update OP!
Wishing you all the best with your new little one Thanks

MyCatHatesEverybody · 12/02/2021 13:28

Pleased to read your update OP, best wishes for a stress free birth.

forrestgreen · 12/02/2021 13:38

Oh I'm so glad

forrestgreen · 12/02/2021 13:39

And don't bother reading all the previous replies it was just pp arguing with each other.

FeedMeSantiago · 12/02/2021 14:16

Glad to hear your update OP. Not surprised at all that DSDs mother doesn't want her at the birth!

Hope all goes well with the birth Flowers

AryaStarkWolf · 12/02/2021 14:21

Looks like it all worked OK in the end, everyone happy, no one feeling side lined etc etc Best of luck with it

Nanny0gg · 12/02/2021 14:25

@ShinyGreenElephant

Hi, I haven't read all the comments since I last posted but just thought I would update. Dh came back with his tail between his legs, full of apologies. Said he hadn't thought it through and was just being defensive (suspect he spoke to his mum about it and she told him he was ridiculous). He's reverted to the original plan and is on his way now to collect DSD until Wednesday, then his mum will drive down and pick her up again for a few days once DD3 arrives. He mentioned the birth to her mum when he phoned to change the plans back and was told we are "hippy weirdos" and made it clear she would not be happy with DSD attending (not that that was ever going to happen), so if I do go into labour early while she's here, she will go and stay with MIL, and as far as DSD is concerned thats what her and her mum have decided on - not being left out, uninvited or segregated at all. Everyone is happy.

Dh is far from forgiven - I'm sure it will surprise noone to learn that this is NOT the first issue we've had with him putting his guilt over DSD living 100s of miles away and barely visiting (which is her choice not ours) above the rest of us, but thats a whole other thread. For now he is being extra extra nice, waiting on me hand and food and I'd rather just let things lie at the moment as its just not the time for a big bomb to go off in my relationship. Hes on thin fucking ice and he knows it but I just want a nice half term with all the kids together and a lovely calm birth for DD3.

Thanks so so much to everyone who's offered support and advice, its helped so much.

Good luck!

Please update after your baby makes their appearance!

Happynow001 · 12/02/2021 14:30

Wishing you calm, @ShinyGreenElephant for a smooth and uneventful labour when it all starts happening.

Strength to you also post-birth whilst you quietly decide how you see your life progressing in the future whether that is with your DH or not. Sending you rainbows and a huge virtual hug. 🌹

OppsUpsSide · 12/02/2021 14:41

Oops I accidentally voted YABU, you most definitely were not being unreasonable!
I hope you have a lovely birth OP Flowers

theleafandnotthetree · 12/02/2021 14:51

Best of luck with everything OP, sounds like you have your head well screwed on for a 'hippy weirdo' Wink and have a very clear perspective of your husband's character and of timing and of getting through the next few weeks and months as peacefully and calmly as possible.

Tarantallegra · 12/02/2021 14:54

Great update OP! So glad your DP has changed his tune and is now being supportive. Good luck with the birth, hope all goes smoothly Smile

CandyLeBonBon · 12/02/2021 16:31

Bloody good update op. Best of luck Thanks

SomersetHamlyn · 12/02/2021 16:42

OP that's a great update and you are of course 100% right to say who you do and don't want around you when you give birth.

I wanted to ask you though, you said

him putting his guilt over DSD living 100s of miles away and barely visiting (which is her choice not ours)

You've mentioned several times that he lives over 4 hours away from his daughter. When you say this is 'her choice' how can it be? She's only 11. Do you mean that her mother chose to move so far away? Or was it your partner who chose to move so far away from his daughter?
In either case, it's not in any real sense 'her choice' to live so far away.

While you're totally in the right with regards to the time around giving birth, I do think that you have a lot of hostility to this child and it comes across in your posts that you really don't like her being around in general.

I don't know what this means for your future but I agree that you and your partner have a lot of talking to do.

I wish you all the best.

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