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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Its my choice who is there when I give birth

900 replies

ShinyGreenElephant · 07/02/2021 19:50

Just had a blazing row with my husband so want to canvas some opinions as I'm planning to absolutely blow my top once the kids are in bed and I'm aware that I am extremely hormonal and could be over reacting. I'm due with dd3 in 2 weeks, having a home birth. Hes just announced that he has asked DSD to come and stay the week I'm due as he would like her to be there when I give birth. I said I'm not comfortable with her in the room when I'm giving birth (many many reasons but it boils down to I'm just not comfortable with it and wouldn't be at my most relaxed), and tried to explain in a nice way. He immediately got defensive and said well why are you comfortable with your own DD then? I said because shes my daughter shes part of me its completely different. When you give birth you can choose your own audience, this is my choice. He said well if I cant have dsd there youre not having your dd there. I said how about I dont have you there, that solves the problem, and I'm now upstairs absolutely furious but don't want DD11 upstairs to hear a row or DD2 who's still awake to realise were arguing.

For reference our DDs are 10 and 11 and neither of them will want to be in the room, but I want my DD to have the choice to come in if she decides to. DD2 will be there unless shes asleep when I give birth. There are SO many reasons I dont want DSD there but the main one is that the idea of it makes my insides curl up and I want to cry. So that doesn't seem conducive to a lovely relaxed labour. I'd 1000% rather DH wasn't there than DSD was.

Am I being an evil stepmother? She will NOT want to be there at all, this is purely DH being (imo) an absolute dickhead.

OP posts:
HowQuicklyTwoAndTwenty890 · 11/02/2021 08:04

well, it is alot more than disgusting. i mean it is nothing less than disgusting. [bangs head]

Jacketpotato84 · 11/02/2021 08:45

[quote Chanandlerbong01]@Jacketpotato84 can you please include a direct quote of where OP has insisted her DD must be in the room against their will. (You will struggle) I reckon I can find 10 where she explains her 2 year old can pop in for a feed during early labour, before she’s in the pool, and her 11 year old is staying upstairs with Netflix and headphones.[/quote]
Sorry dont think I was very clear - I'm not expecting either of my kids to be in the room for the vast majority of my labour. Very much hoping theyre asleep and just wake up to a new sibling. Theyre staying in the house due to lack of childcare - my mum will have them only in an absolute emergency. If they're awake, I might breastfeed DD2 in the early stages (apparently it can help labour along) but once I'm in active labour they will stay upstairs. Due to a lack of any other childcare, DD2 if awake will probably have to come in for the actual moment of birth with DH otherwise he will miss it. Id like DD11 to come in at that moment too as I love the idea of them both seeing their sisters birth. @Meggymoo777 @Chanandlerbong01

funinthesun19 · 11/02/2021 08:52

It's his daughter though isn't it, your body blah blah but I can see where he's coming from

Tell you what. If and when he goes and has an intimate medical procedure/examination/check up or whatever, he can invite his daughter to that instead.

Hettya · 11/02/2021 08:55

She's not insisting the DC are in the room against their will though jacketpotato.

Jacketpotato84 · 11/02/2021 09:02

The original plan was the 2 year old will have to come in or else the husband will miss the birth, therefore the 2 year old would witness the birth against her will. Not appropriate. This is why i asked op what the midwife thought about this plan, children should be cared for properly that was my issue. This was just a case childcare issues it seems now. She said that was the main reason of a home birth.

Hettya · 11/02/2021 09:09

If the child is awake they may have to come in or the DH might miss the birth. No doubt depending on what's happening at that time. obviously. Sounds like they were seeing how it goes on the day to me. Although it hardly matters now does it. Sounds like he'll be missing it anyway

Jacketpotato84 · 11/02/2021 09:23

And there is every chance the child could have been awake as you can't exactly choose the time you give birth can you. This was her plan and i felt it was unreasonable. I do hope the husband has come to his senses and has managed to be able to be a support for his wife. Failing that the midwifes are great and will ensure a safe and healthy delivery. I understand the anxiety around birth and worrying whether everyone else is ok 100% i think now op has a secure plan she can focus on the birth better knowing everyone is cared for well and its not going to be the uncertainty of others coming in and out with the daughters needing care for whatever reason. Thats a huge positive.

alfieum · 11/02/2021 09:24

Good luck OP. God people are mad. How many of you would have had your birth as a spectator sport to appease your DH.

Hettya · 11/02/2021 09:29

So if the child was awake they may have witnessed the birth. So what?

pinkyredrose · 11/02/2021 10:37

Hope you're ok OP.

You're husband is unreasonable. I wonder if he'd expect your DC to be invited to watch DSD's mother give birth if the situation arose.

aSofaNearYou · 11/02/2021 11:53

🤦‍♀️It's his daughter though isn't it, your body blah blah but I can see where he's coming from🤦‍♀️

Imagine putting "blah blah blah" after the concept of bodily autonomy, a mere few comments after someone said people bring feminism into these threads unnecessarily 😂

You really can't make this shit up!

SoulofanAggron · 11/02/2021 12:03

Your husband sounds a bit of a twat.

Please keep us updated as to how everything goes @ShinyGreenElephant . x

Maybe on the Relationships board as a lot of people find it more sympathetic there if you make a post.

MyLittleOrangutan · 11/02/2021 12:31

I love this site. One one thread people claim its mysoginistic to say that a female dog in heat shouldn't be taken around off lead male dogs because she has the right to go wherever without males bothering her. On another thread it's perfectly acceptable for a man to dictate to a woman who gets to watch her push a baby out of her vagina.
It may be the only place in the world where a female dog has more right to her body than a female human Hmm

There are zero circumstances in which a labouring mother doesn't get to decide who is in the room or her house at the time.

LolaSmiles · 11/02/2021 12:46

Imagine putting "blah blah blah" after the concept of bodily autonomy, a mere few comments after someone said people bring feminism into these threads unnecessarily😂

You really can't make this shit up!
It's really astounding how some women on Mumsnet find other women having bodily autonomy and boundaries to be problematic.

Who knew that presence during a woman's labour was dictated by what is 'fair' to the spectators?

Jacketpotato84 · 11/02/2021 13:19

It was more of the point that it isnt fair on the children to be put through this not people being feminist or stating that her husband must dictate who the op has at her birth. He suggested it it didn't force it upon her.

BluebellsGreenbells · 11/02/2021 13:20

He may not be forgiving it on her, b he’s certainly punishing her for it.

Jacketpotato84 · 11/02/2021 13:25

@Hettya

So if the child was awake they may have witnessed the birth. So what?
Ok think of it from a childs point of view. Her mum in pain, very scary, she gets upset, her mum gets upset because her child is upset.. God forbid something goes wrong i think its self explanatory really if you think about what you need to do to protect children.
aSofaNearYou · 11/02/2021 13:27

It was more of the point that it isnt fair on the children to be put through this not people being feminist or stating that her husband must dictate who the op has at her birth. He suggested it it didn't force it upon her.

No it wasn't, a few people have objected to the idea of any of the children being exposed to it, which is one thing, but most have been focused on it being "unfair" for one to be there and not the other.

And no he didn't suggest it. He said it was happening without checking with her first, and then stormed out of the house for several days when she said she wasn't comfortable with it. That is not suggesting and is far closer to forcing. It is emotional blackmail, regardless.

Jacketpotato84 · 11/02/2021 14:30

Again i think this was more of a childcare issue then the husband being abusive he knew the plan was to get the ops step daughter so needed to do the long trip anyway. He didnt "storm"out (i like how you added that in there for dramatic effect)We just dont know the full ins and outs (haha) we can only speculate.

Bibidy · 11/02/2021 15:11

@Jacketpotato84

The original plan was the 2 year old will have to come in or else the husband will miss the birth, therefore the 2 year old would witness the birth against her will. Not appropriate. This is why i asked op what the midwife thought about this plan, children should be cared for properly that was my issue. This was just a case childcare issues it seems now. She said that was the main reason of a home birth.
Surely everything a 2 year old does is 'against their will' by that token?? Anything that involves them having to be somewhere so somebody can take care of them.
aSofaNearYou · 11/02/2021 15:22

@Jacketpotato84 It clearly wasn't just about childcare, if you read the OP her husband said he would like his daughter to be in the room when the baby is born and when OP said she wasn't comfortable with that, he got defensive and said in that case she wasn't "allowed" her DD.

And what do you mean I added in that he stormed out for dramatic effect? He disappeared on Sunday, 4 days ago, leaving his heavily pregnant wife behind and in charge of the kids (including the two year old), and she hasn't seen or heard from him since. What would you call that? My partner has never done anything as dramatic as disappear totally for 4 days, let alone in these circumstances.

Hettya · 11/02/2021 15:38

I'm sure the op can weigh the situation up and what's best for her own child jacketpotato. It would be dependent on how the birth was going and how the child felt at the time. And with the husband there actually being supportive of that rather than rushing off to his mother because he didn't get what he wanted, the situation would have been managable. Plenty of children do witness their mothers giving birth. It's not such an unusual thing. It might not be right for you, or you personally may find the idea unpalatable, but that certainly isn't the case for everyone.

Hettya · 11/02/2021 15:40

I would saying fucking off 4 days ago and leaving a heavily pregnant wife to get on with it does amount to storming out. Pretty shit behaviour really.

Lunde · 11/02/2021 15:47

@Jacketpotato84

Again i think this was more of a childcare issue then the husband being abusive he knew the plan was to get the ops step daughter so needed to do the long trip anyway. He didnt "storm"out (i like how you added that in there for dramatic effect)We just dont know the full ins and outs (haha) we can only speculate.
Not a childcare issue at all. If you read OP's posts you would see that DSD was not meant to be there, not the normal contact time and she lives 4.5 hours away. OPs H then announced that he had decided tthat DSD would be present without consultation (he has not even told DSD's own mum)

ShinyGreenElephant Sun 07-Feb-21 20:17:38 Hi, thanks for replies. It wasn't prearranged contact, were having her for half term and were planning to have her for a week a few days after the baby was born, maybe 2 days after. She lives a long way away so its not as simple as just picking her up, its a full day round trip

When OP objected to her medical event being turned into a spectator event he flounced off home to his mum and to my knowledge has not returned.

Cokie3 · 11/02/2021 15:52

What I don't get is she originally said she had no one to mind the children, yet that clearly wasn't true as her last post said they would go to her mothers now. Which, should have been the way right from the start.

Yeah, the husband's a selfish arsehole but she doesn't sound much better by subjecting the poor children to this, it could traumatise them. It isn't imo something a child should see, from a child (psychological) protective perspective. Apart from their DD/DSD being traumatised by seeing it, having kids coming and going in and out of the room, probably shrieking at the sight, etc, sounds like a 7th circle of hell and not relaxing or conducive to calm birthing at all. Yes I know DD said she'd stay upstairs, but still, you don't know how she will react to her mother's screams. I'm putting myself in the shoes of OP's poor little girl. If I were her, hearing my mum cry and scream and grunt in pain would have me breaking down in tears. I could not cope with it. I don't know many/if any children that could.