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Original poster

Husband has been watching cam girls

137 replies

Mermaid2007 · 07/02/2021 19:42

Hi, I need some advice please. I’m absolutely devastated to find out my husband had been watching / interacting with cam girls. I got into his account and he has sent various messages back and forth, it makes me feel sick. I always had an inkling he was watching porn but this is taking it to another level.
He is not one to talk things through which makes things more difficult but said it was because I continuously knocked him back when he wanted sex which I fully admit I did. I lost interest for a long time with the stresses of work/children etc.
Part of me therefore blames myself and in a way I’m relieved that it was just online and not a real life affair. He has promised wholeheartedly that he has never cheated physically with another woman and I do believe him.
I’m just shocked I guess that he’s not the person I thought he was.
In all other ways he’s fantastic, has always been the most fantastic dad and has always appeared to be besotted with me.
Do I leave him or should I try and forget and take his word that he’ll never use these tacky horrible sites again?

OP posts:
Imworthit · 07/02/2021 19:47

Cam girls would cross a line for me personally but it’s your choice. it’s actually personal, it’s a slippy slope, it show lack of communication about his/your needs & because I assume you need to pay them.

FortunesFave · 07/02/2021 19:53

Cam girls also cross a line for me. It's so close to using a prostitute. I don't like porn but if he'd used that, you could feel a little bit easier about it.

Cam girls are too real.

I also question how 'fantastic' a Dad is when he's happy to pay women for their bodies...it shows no respect for women in general.

These things tend to be quite addictive...how do you know for sure he's stopped?

lioncitygirl · 07/02/2021 20:03

It’s totally up to you where you draw the line - for some it would be actually meeting up with cheating and for others, a porn website - what are your boundaries OP?

VestaTilley · 07/02/2021 20:04

I’d be looking at ending the relationship, sorry OP.

Just to say- this isn’t your fault. You didn’t “cause” this by going off sex for a while. That’s normal in any relationship, especially when you have DC. Do not blame yourself and don’t let him blame you.

I’d see this as cheating, to say nothing of how disrespectful it is to women, and exploitative.

Aquamarine1029 · 07/02/2021 20:08

He's interacting with real women to satisfy his sexual urges. It's cheating. I wonder what he would have gotten up to if covid/lockdown wasn't a factor?

mynewusernameisthis · 07/02/2021 20:23

In the minority apparently. This wouldn't really bother me

TheBuffster · 07/02/2021 20:29

Do you trust him or do you feel your trust has been broken?

It's a personal decision you'll have to make, but perhaps have a think about the above.

I know I've been in relationships where I thought I trusted them, but after analysing it deep down I knew that trust was misplaced.

I'd have been ok with a little porn I think. I don't know what cam girls is but guess it's based on interaction. I'd be worried about the power dynamic fueling the interaction and as it must be real people, personally that'd be a gut punch for me.

I'm sorry you're going through this. However you proceed, he's being careless with your feelings and that needs to be acknowledged.

As said above, this absolutely is not your fault. Dry patches in trying times + kids are to be expected.

Hope you have someone you can talk to this about. Hugs xx

Tal45 · 07/02/2021 20:32

Porn is one thing, Cam girls crosses the line IMO. He would need to become a person that talks things through for me to consider getting over this, communication is absolutely key and you really need to talk about boundaries and be open and honest with each other if there are issues. I'd go on the BCAP website and find a counsellor to help you deal with this and deal with the communication issues if you do decide to stay. x

DenisetheMenace · 07/02/2021 20:35

Been married more than 30 years, can’t imagine life without him.
That’s beyond the pale and I would divorce.

Thecheekthenervetheaudacity · 07/02/2021 20:37

Cam girls are definitely a step above watching porn- it’s interactive and more personal.

Only you can decide if this is a LTB offence but you’ll probably never trust him totally again and that’s a horrible way to live. Also in my experience they just get more conniving at keeping this stuff hidden from that moment on.

DinosaurDiana · 07/02/2021 20:40

I assume he’s used family money to pay for this ?
He has mentally cheated at the end of the day.
He would be gone if he was my DH.

Doomsdayiscoming · 07/02/2021 20:41

Fantastic Dad. 😆

Sounds like Dad of the year.

Lonelyflower80 · 07/02/2021 20:42

I would be upset too, and I was very upset when a few years ago I caught my DH visiting a site that was more interactive / personal than "video" porn. But seriously suprised at the amount of people saying they would divorce over this? I'm under the impression, unfortunately, that most men probably have done this sort of thing at one time?

Somethingkindaoooo · 07/02/2021 20:44
  1. cam girls crosses a line
  2. him blaming you is a line cross as well. Can't decide which is worse.
cordeliae · 07/02/2021 20:46

Cam girls are real women. He is cheating

Wattagoose90 · 07/02/2021 20:46

So you mention he's not really open but when forced/caught, it seems he's been open in saying that he thinks the sexual element isn't enough for him in its current format.

So I guess I'd be thinking, is that something you want to address - is what you have now enough for YOU? Maybe I'm looking at this from the wrong angle but it seems like this is the disconnect and where the communication needs to start.

I'm not sure how I'd feel with cam girls. Porn is one thing, cam girls are another.

sausagepastapot · 07/02/2021 20:48

Wouldn't be the end for me.

newmumwithquestions · 07/02/2021 20:51

It’s not about what we think. It’s about what you think OP.

For me, cam girls would be too far. As would prostitutes. I think I’d actually forgive an affair more easily, as sometimes you do develop feelings for someone you happen to get to know (but don’t have to act on them, to clarify I’m not saying affairs are ok). But seeking out cam girls feels all too deliberate. And disrespectful to everyone.

2020iscancelled · 07/02/2021 20:53

Yeah this is totally grotty and very upsetting for you.

There really is no excuse BUT (some) men can be real fucking idiots and (some) men will believe that because it’s not someone they actually know or met physically it isn’t as bad.

Of course it is just as bad and it is a betrayal.

BUT if you honestly believe he is a good person and a good dad and that it has been born out of him feeling rejected, frustrated and lonely then it might be possible for you to get over it.

There’s no real excuse but I can see how it might have ended up like this.

If he is utterly apologetic, accepts all the blame, doesn’t try to gaslight you into believing you “drove” him to it etc then that goes some way towards a possible future.

If he is trying to shift the blame or minimise it then you can’t do anything with that. He has to accept responsibility and be willing to work hard to save the relationship

TheVolturi · 07/02/2021 20:53

Honestly how do you think he'd react if he found you'd paid guys to do dirty things on camera for you personally?

TheSoapyFrog · 07/02/2021 20:54

I'm one who is totally fine with her partner watching porn, but cam girls a no no for me. Personally I wouldn't separate over it at this stage. If it became a regular thing and he doesn't stop it, then I would.
I hate the idea that he was using family money to pay some girl to flash her boobs and what not at him.
Btw, it absolutely is not your fault at all. Sex drives ebb and flow over the course of a relationship. This is normal and it doesn't give him licence to do this.

Divebar2021 · 07/02/2021 20:57

I don’t believe all these people would leave their marriages over this. They might think they would but when push came to shove I don’t think they would. Most women don’t even leave after a physical affair.

Hope4theBestPlan4theWorst · 07/02/2021 21:01

I'd leave him it's disgusting
So he might appear to be a great dad
If I'd found out my dad had done that to my mum I'd be marching her to the solicitors
It's disgusting and disrespectful

DinosaurDiana · 07/02/2021 21:01

I would. He could get a flat and wank his life away.

boredinthouse · 07/02/2021 21:05

I would too definitely. The trust would be gone and he wouldn't be the person I thought he was anyway.