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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husband has been watching cam girls

137 replies

Mermaid2007 · 07/02/2021 19:42

Hi, I need some advice please. I’m absolutely devastated to find out my husband had been watching / interacting with cam girls. I got into his account and he has sent various messages back and forth, it makes me feel sick. I always had an inkling he was watching porn but this is taking it to another level.
He is not one to talk things through which makes things more difficult but said it was because I continuously knocked him back when he wanted sex which I fully admit I did. I lost interest for a long time with the stresses of work/children etc.
Part of me therefore blames myself and in a way I’m relieved that it was just online and not a real life affair. He has promised wholeheartedly that he has never cheated physically with another woman and I do believe him.
I’m just shocked I guess that he’s not the person I thought he was.
In all other ways he’s fantastic, has always been the most fantastic dad and has always appeared to be besotted with me.
Do I leave him or should I try and forget and take his word that he’ll never use these tacky horrible sites again?

OP posts:

TurquoiseDragon · 07/02/2021 21:07

This would cross a line for me, and I'd end things.

But when you say you "lost interest for a long time with the stresses of work/children etc", what was he doing to help you with those stresses?

Because if you were doing things alone, then it's no wonder you went off sex for a while.

RupertTheBear89 · 07/02/2021 21:11

I've been in this situation too OP, like you, I personally I don't mind my DH watching 'normal porn' (well I don't love it it but I accept it) However I hit the roof when I found out he was on a webcam site. He explained to me the reason he liked it was it because it was 'more real'. Looking through the history I saw he hadn't been interacting but I still wasn't amused. And if I'm being totally honest I'd say the only reason he didn't interact is because he's too tight with money to pay for tokens etc. Ultimately it's up to you what your boundaries are and you shouldn't feel under any pressure to be the 'cool wife' and accept it but nor should you be talked into 'ltb' and being made out that you're a doormat if you do otherwise. My DH genuinely could not understand why I was upset with it when he knew I was ok(ish) with him watching ordinary porn. He showed me the site and in all honesty most of it was pretty boring and a lot less hard-core than many of the more mainstream sites. I think some men just like the voyeuristic aspect of it. I'm not trying to minimise what he's done or the validity or your feelings but I think it's probably a lot more men do it than women realise. Even when you go onto the mainstream sites like pornhub etc, loads of ads come up for webcam sites, so I suspect many men don't see it as much 'worse' morally than pre filmed videos. I completely get why you would be hurt with the interaction part especially (I would be too) but again, to many men this wouldn't be seen as cheating as it's "just porn".
Personally I would try and work through it if you genuinely think he's learned his lesson although I know my opinion is likely in the minority. However, if it's something you feel that you can't get past then that's something he should respect.

Laureline · 07/02/2021 21:12

It’s cheating.
Also, how much is he spending on his secret habit? If he’s interacting with them, he’s paying for it.

Chailatteplease · 07/02/2021 21:17

Another one who thinks this is cheating. I don’t even like porn but this well and truly crosses the line.
But as a pp said OP, ultimately it does really matter what anyone else thinks/would do. This is something you have to deal/live with.
You have my sympathies, must be horrible

Chailatteplease · 07/02/2021 21:17

*Doesn’t not does

donquixotedelamancha · 07/02/2021 21:27

I too would find cam girls totally unacceptable but how often do OP's on here get told not to put up with sexless relationships?

I think you have huge issues to work through if the relationship is to be fixed. He should have spoken to you about the problem- although (from experience) that's hard without putting pressure on. Having kids together makes it (IMO) worth trying.

It certainly is not your fault- this was his choice, his failure. Being horny is not an excuse for being a git.

Tiffbiff · 07/02/2021 21:46

Its not nice no, but he’s not been to a prostitute and he has needs in the relationship too, otherwise you’re just friends. It sounds like you both have issues you need to work through- if you’re not being unreasonable for not wanting intimacy, he’s not unreasonable too want it.

Maybe take the sexual side out of it, because he hasn’t slept with anyone.

If you stopped talking to your husband for a year, would you find it unreasonable if he went and spoke to someone else because he was desperately lonely and rejected?

It would be unreasonable to end it due to this

CaptSkippy · 07/02/2021 21:54

Yeah, okay he has not physically laid a hand on another woman since he has been with you, but he is cheating in every other way. Honestly, the porn would have been a deal-breaker for me. It makes men lousy in bed.

Anxietyandwine · 07/02/2021 22:02

I used to be a cam girl. Some of them were open about their marriages. They’d even talk about the things that were wrong which in their minds had driven them to the site. I knew their kids names, I knew their sec lives. Sometimes they’d be down stairs in the living room while their wives and kids were asleep in bed. Some of the wives were into it.

Doesn’t matter what we think though. It really comes down to - can you trust him not to do this again? Can you move on and repair the relationship?

FYI I Stopped just before I met my now husband. Maybe I’m a hypocrite but It would cross a line for me.

PetitTorteois · 07/02/2021 22:10

So you basically forced him into celibacy and now consider leaving him because he did this? I don't think the cam girls are your problem. You need to have a chat about your lack of sex in your marriage.

FrankButchersDickieBow · 07/02/2021 22:10

All the PPs saying cam girls are real women, but porn is fine, you do realise that the women in porn films are real too don't you. They are real women. Just because people can view them for free, it doesn't make them lesser than any other women.

Yes OP, I would be shocked and upset, if I found out my husband was doing this and it would definitely be a deal breaker for me.

It's seedy and sordid and I couldn't respect a men who is happy to buy women.

AlexaStop · 07/02/2021 22:13

I'm also in the minority that it wouldn't really bother me too much

StoneColdBitch · 07/02/2021 22:20

As PPs have said, there are a few issues that need tackling here. You admit yourself that your marriage was sexless. I'm guessing there may be wider issues in your marriage that need addressing. Is he an involved parent? Do you share housework and "life admin"? Do you feel loved and supported? Did he interpret the lack of sex as a lack of love, or as the end of your romantic relationship? Lots to unpick.

thepeopleversuswork · 07/02/2021 22:24

Honestly that would cross a line for me. Not only because of the lack of trust and intimacy it suggests in your marriage but because its so yuck I don't think I could respect him and certainly couldn't have sex with him again.

If you do stay with him you'll also be eaten up wondering if he's gone on these cam sites again and won't ever be able to relax or feel the trust.

It sounds as if there's been no intimacy in your marriage for a while. This isn't something you should "blame yourself" for at all: but it makes me wonder whether this ship sailed a while ago. With no trust and no sex or intimacy what else is there really?

Fembot123 · 07/02/2021 22:27

Only you can decide this, I’d consider this a shot across the boughs and he would be on a last warning but would I simply ‘get a divorce’ no. It’s so easy for anonymous people just to say that’s what you should do.

Ebony999 · 07/02/2021 22:31

@Divebar2021

I don’t believe all these people would leave their marriages over this. They might think they would but when push came to shove I don’t think they would. Most women don’t even leave after a physical affair.

Exactly this. Disrespectful behaviour and I would go absolutely mad. But to throw him out for this when the OP has fobbed him off repeatedly for sex puts a context behind his behaviour. And no I’m no saying it excuses it. And the idea that you can’t be a good dad if you’ve used a camgirl is ridiculous. So a dad who spends meaningful time with their child, plays with them, comforts them, feeds them, makes them feel safe and loved, etc is still a bad dad because he has used camgirls? MN at its best at not acknowledging that we, women and men, are more complex than good or evil.

Emeraldshamrock · 07/02/2021 22:32

This would bother me more because he is a fool and his money.
I knew the industry it is all to coax silly customers with money they're easily sucked in.
Candy for men.
It is horrible for you no doubt I'm not sure I'd leave an otherwise good marriage without a long discussion.

thepeopleversuswork · 07/02/2021 22:37

And the idea that you can’t be a good dad if you’ve used a camgirl is ridiculous.

I don't think anyone's saying he automatically can't be a good dad because he's used a camgirl: but he has destroyed the trust in the marriage and there's been no intimacy for some time. There's no point whatsoever being in a marriage where there is no trust or intimacy.

Let him go and be a good dad somewhere else and let the OP live with the dignity of knowing she's not being cheated on.

DownstairsMixUp · 07/02/2021 22:41

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

SofiaMichelle · 07/02/2021 22:41

I'm another in the minority saying it wouldn't massively bother me.

I don't get why people are saying it's so much worse than porn. If he hasn't been paying them huge sums of money then not much will have been going on.

2oldforthis · 07/02/2021 22:41

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

notanothertakeaway · 07/02/2021 22:42

If you forgive him, he'll know he got away with it, and I suspect he'll do it again

DownstairsMixUp · 07/02/2021 22:42

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

WouldstrokeTomHardy · 07/02/2021 22:45

Wouldn't be cock a hoop but wouldn't be divorce at all. I'd be annoyed about the money being wasted. It's not cheating, he's just blowing his beans.

Norwayreally · 07/02/2021 22:56

He isn’t cheating but it’s a step further than straight forward porn. I think it’s the fact he’s interacting with them and actually paying them tbh. I don’t know if I’d divorce DH for this but I’d be absolutely fuming to say the least.

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