Husband has been watching cam girls

[Mermaid2007]

Hi, I need some advice please. I’m absolutely devastated to find out my husband had been watching / interacting with cam girls. I got into his account and he has sent various messages back and forth, it makes me feel sick. I always had an inkling he was watching porn but this is taking it to another level.
He is not one to talk things through which makes things more difficult but said it was because I continuously knocked him back when he wanted sex which I fully admit I did. I lost interest for a long time with the stresses of work/children etc.
Part of me therefore blames myself and in a way I’m relieved that it was just online and not a real life affair. He has promised wholeheartedly that he has never cheated physically with another woman and I do believe him.
I’m just shocked I guess that he’s not the person I thought he was.
In all other ways he’s fantastic, has always been the most fantastic dad and has always appeared to be besotted with me.
Do I leave him or should I try and forget and take his word that he’ll never use these tacky horrible sites again?

It's a bit seedy and I'd be angry about the wasted money, but no, I wouldn't divorce DH over this and I don't believe the countless PPs on here who claim they would either.

I even talked to my fiancé about and he agreed that paying for this is a slippery slop & disrespectful. What bigbeautwoman said about communication is the real issue. Just having more sex with someone isn’t. Especially not with someone your angry with. I would find that so stressful any time your sick, tired overwhelmed your gonna be worried about him looking elsewhere that’s an exhausting and demoralising place to be. Sex comes naturally when you both feel good, relaxed, supported and cherished. I feel like she’s just getting blamed for her husband opting out & he’s blaming her.... all those men who moan about their sad fridgid wife probably don’t mention that they left her sleep deprived, unhelped, unlistened too, ignored and then just stuck a finger up her fanny when she’s trying to actually talk with them. Or worse they have a perfectly good happy relationship but need to put her down so they don’t feel like the dick they are.

Good example was my friend Chris he monologued to me for an hour about his distrustful, cheating, sneaky, crappy, bitchy girlfriend. When he finished and asked me what he should do about it. I said maybe stop cheating on your girlfriend. And he looked so shocked, asked how did I know. Guilt projecting his own bad behaviour was so obvious. I knew him well 😂

People’s standards for a partner are all different, some people are happy polyamorous, don’t ask, don’t tell,prostitutes ok, affair not and the opposite. The main point is op isn’t & her husband is blaming her for him braking her trust. But he’s her husband instead of communicating with his wife, he’s telling her to paste a fake smile on and comply. Go to councilling if it helps but the second he blamed me for his shitty behaviour I’d be gone. My fella used a good phrase ‘knife edge’ behaviour, as in your might come in on the right side of the knife but he doesn’t give a fuck if he cuts you up.

@HitchFlix

perhaps you need to realise just because someone has a different opinion doesn’t mean they have low standards. Your holier than thou attitude stinks

But you admitted your standards are lower. You would accept your husband paying women for sexual services. Those are low standards by anyone's measure. It's not about me being "holier than thou" it's about you accepting lower standards of behaviour.

Married men should not pay women for sexual services. If you believe they should then your standards are low. I'm sorry if that riles you but I imagine 99.9999% of women would be in agreement with me!

just as well married men do pay for sexual services or I’d be out of a job!

It would be over for me. Watching young women online, typing instructions to them, telling them what he wants them to do. for him? OVER!

It's not just "watching cam girls" , it's instructing them, controlling their performance, telling them what he wants to see them do, paying them to do it. Consent is not something which can be bought or sold, consent is freely given. Men who pay these young women to expose their bodies or insert items into their bodies for their viewing and masturbatory pleasure are abusive, misogynistic literal wankers. How long before he expects to instruct you in the same way? How long before he believes you're not 'sexy' enough or compliant enough or young enough when compared to compliant young women?

A good friend of mine who is married has a motto that she has in mind when assessing the health of her marriage "if he isn't doing it with me, then who is he doing it with?" Of course there are exceptions but I thought she was actually sensible having this in mind.

Not the Ops fault but not having sex on an ongoing basis would lead you to question whether anything to worry about. She clearly did

I am going to leave cam girls aside for a moment. Whether you can deal with that is about your personal and relationship boundaries.

Whether you are happy in a relationship with a lack of intimacy is also a personal one. But if your discussions about that were about mental load etc, did your DH step in to take some? Did he ask what he could do to give you more bandwith and feel more like yourself. Or did he leave you to your personal struggle and focus on having his intimate needs met. For me that is what would be a deal breaker? That and any lack of comms before he set off down this path.

Men who don't like to talk things through. Will end up with a lack of connection with their partner which makes sex less likely. Not talking things through is a choice that has consequences in a partnership.

@Normalmumandwife

A good friend of mine who is married has a motto that she has in mind when assessing the health of her marriage "if he isn't doing it with me, then who is he doing it with?" Of course there are exceptions but I thought she was actually sensible having this in mind.

Not the Ops fault but not having sex on an ongoing basis would lead you to question whether anything to worry about. She clearly did

Personally, I think your friends attitude belongs in the dark ages.

That is a really sad way to go through life and
definitely not healthy view on sex.

@New2Myself

It's not just "watching cam girls" , it's instructing them, controlling their performance, telling them what he wants to see them do, paying them to do it. Consent is not something which can be bought or sold, consent is freely given. Men who pay these young women to expose their bodies or insert items into their bodies for their viewing and masturbatory pleasure are abusive, misogynistic literal wankers. How long before he expects to instruct you in the same way? How long before he believes you're not 'sexy' enough or compliant enough or young enough when compared to compliant young women?

I couldn't agree more with what you posted here.

Not only is OP's husband leaving her to do all the work around the house, which leaves her too exhausted for sex, he is also exploiting women online for his own gratification. He is a selfish POS. It is very clear he sees women as nothing more than commodities. OP as a free maid who provides childcare and women online as sex-dispensers.

He is beyond disgusting and disrespectful. I would have shown him the door a long time ago.

💯 all of the above.

Please please please respect yourself. I spent nearly 14 years with a man who I thought loved and respected me. He is the father of my 2 children. I got cancer and understandably wasn't keen to have much sex! I ended up in intensive care on more than one occasion. Behind my back he was looking at porn, then messaging women online, then buying them gift cards in exchange for naked photos, then spending hundreds in a night at a time in a local lap dancing club. He did not respect me. When I asked him why he had done all this and hurt me so much he said 'you didnt have sex with me enough'. What a load of BS. He has issues. I now have a new partner. I have been in tears many times because my new partner is so respectful. He keeps telling me 'but this is just normal'. It is taking a while to adjust but it is glorious feeling respected - but I had to respect myself first and foremost. Only you can decide what you will put up with. I now live just me and my children in my own flat. My ex has no rights to my flat, we sold the house we jointly owned. The children see him regularly. I would never stop that as they didn't do anything wrong. I am so much happier. I never imagined meeting someone new, especially not during a pandemic but I am loving life. Best wishes.

Can I buck the trend here...some men (probably also women) need sex. It's an outlet/release for them and the way they show intimacy. My husband (bless him) would happily have sex everyday but if I was crying, would he instinctively cuddle me? No...

If I didn't want sex ever again, I'd fully expect him to find that somewhere else. Sex doesn't equal love.

Some people can go without sex and some can't. I have a friend who hasn't had sex with her husband in 3 years but now wants to try for another baby . My husband would never entertain such a "dry spell". I'm sure MN police would say I should leave him over this!

Yes yes cam girls are interactive, it's not boring porn with people doing random stuff and you think of I'll fast forward this it not my thing.

He hasn't cheated but he has gone behind your back and should have been honest with you about his needs.

Hopefully he isn't addicted to the cam girls but you need to talk to him, get him to stop. Get your mojo back or decide to move on.

Are there really so many people out there whose 30/40yo husbsnds are happy with no sexual interaction at all from their wives and would be happy to stay in that marriage for 20+ years without sex?! Not judging just curious.

I think Mrs GGG is right. You admit you’ve knocked him back sex wise so if not this it would have been an actual affair. Both not great. Would it have been better if he’d left you first over lack of intimacy? There is no good way out of this and judging by mumsnet this is far from an isolated phenomenon

No one needs sex. And if you're horny you can always mastrubate while using your imagination, NOT porn! This whole idea what a man "needs" sex is an entitled patriarchal idea pressuring us women to just put up with men's shitty behavior.

Why are we still excusing men for their BS, but tell women to put up with a shit-ton of disrespect in the shopes that he treats her a little better.

We need to hold men to the same high standards we do women.

I'd be too turned off to touch him again and certainly wouldn't believe anything else that came out of his mouth.

Porn is one thing this is next level.

Some people seem so desperate to stay in their marriages they'll entertain any old shit...

OP you don't have to put up with this nor should you.

If you're not financially independent take steps towards becoming so asap. You may find you need it further down the line.

just as well married men do pay for sexual services or I’d be out of a job!

Ah fk, not you again.

Crosses the line for me.

I tolerate moderate porn use, but not interactive stuff (and paying).

You're allowed to not have sex every time a man wants to when you knackered and occupied with kids etc. That's part of life, marriage and relationships with kids. He can have a wank (or leave you if he thinks he's gonna get a woman who's always up for sex). He doesn't get to cheat with sex workers.

Would you get to cheat with male escorts if he had temporary erecting or dysfunction or depression or something that affected his sex drive??

How dare the multifunction child birthing/rearing/housework/sex bot not fulfill every role all the time eh - of course he deserves to use sex workers online (and your family money to do it).

I personally wouldn't have an issue with it if I was in this situation, but if it has ended your trust in him and you don't want to continue the relationship, end it, only you know how you feel. If you believe it can be worked through and you believe his promise and think that you can forgive him, give it a go. Only time will tell.
Maybe he feels neglected, you said yourself that you've been stressed and not wanting intimacy, have a chat with him and see what you can do to reduce that stress and see if you can make more time as a couple of that's what you both want. But don't blame yourself or think it's in any way your fault.

Maybe he feels neglected

Oh ffs do we now have women trotting out that bullshit line too.

Fucking neglected my arse. Who tf would even want sex with a loser that spends money on camgirls...If she didn't want to fuck him before she definitely won't want to now.

gaijinetal

just as well married men do pay for sexual services or I’d be out of a job!“

Interesting. Do you have a partner? How do they feel about your job?

Maybe he feels neglected, you said yourself that you've been stressed and not wanting intimacy, have a chat with him and see what you can do to reduce that stress and see if you can make more time as a couple of that's what you both want.

World class victim blaming here. Take a bow.

On top of everything else its now up to the OP to "reduce that stress" for him (on top of all the other skivvying she is presumably expected to do). I despair.

And making time "as a couple" for someone who does nothing to support her and prefers to get off with webcam girls. Why would the OP want to be in a couple with someone who treats her with such disrespect?