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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband has been watching cam girls

137 replies

Mermaid2007 · 07/02/2021 19:42

Hi, I need some advice please. I’m absolutely devastated to find out my husband had been watching / interacting with cam girls. I got into his account and he has sent various messages back and forth, it makes me feel sick. I always had an inkling he was watching porn but this is taking it to another level.
He is not one to talk things through which makes things more difficult but said it was because I continuously knocked him back when he wanted sex which I fully admit I did. I lost interest for a long time with the stresses of work/children etc.
Part of me therefore blames myself and in a way I’m relieved that it was just online and not a real life affair. He has promised wholeheartedly that he has never cheated physically with another woman and I do believe him.
I’m just shocked I guess that he’s not the person I thought he was.
In all other ways he’s fantastic, has always been the most fantastic dad and has always appeared to be besotted with me.
Do I leave him or should I try and forget and take his word that he’ll never use these tacky horrible sites again?

OP posts:
JovialNickname · 12/02/2021 22:57

I think it's a very difficult situation if you are in a sexless marriage, and he is committed to that marriage, but still has a sex drive. I'm having a hard time understanding why you're so upset at him going to cam girls when you don't wish to have a sex life with him, and it seems you might have decided that unilaterally? He can't just "disappear" his normal human inclination to want and need sex sometimes, or even occasionally, and he says he's committed to you, so what do you actually want him to do if you're not interested in physical intimacy with him? He can't just turn into a non sexual being to suit you x

PineappleCrush10 · 12/02/2021 23:32

Yes but it’s the lying too, isn’t it? He didn’t discuss with the OP whether the cam girl route would be acceptable. The deceit is as hurtful as the actual act.

bigbeautwoman · 13/02/2021 22:05

@gaijinetal

just as well married men do pay for sexual services or I’d be out of a job!

Ah fk, not you again.

what’s your problem?
bigbeautwoman · 13/02/2021 22:06

@DenisetheMenace

gaijinetal

just as well married men do pay for sexual services or I’d be out of a job!“

Interesting. Do you have a partner? How do they feel about your job?

how is your question relevant?
Greenmarmalade · 13/02/2021 22:09

This is infidelity and I would leave immediately.

I imagine he’d be pretty upset if you were a cam ‘girl’ or online naked, chatting to blokes.

Greenmarmalade · 13/02/2021 22:10

Also fuck this!! Maybe he feels neglected, you said yourself that you've been stressed and not wanting intimacy, have a chat with him and see what you can do to reduce that stress and see if you can make more time as a couple of that's what you both want.

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 13/02/2021 22:16

Joining this rather late.

Thinking of this in the context of you no longer wanting sex; he still does. If you can't agree how he meets his needs then it would be best to call time on it. He was wrong to go behind your back though.

Original poster
Mermaid2007 · 14/05/2021 09:47

Very late replying but thank you for all your replies. I have turned back to this many a time over the past few months, there are some really helpful comments. Well we have stayed together and things have been really good. We have talked a lot and he has promised me that he won't do it again. Although he agrees he was totally wrong as he hasn't physically touched anyone else he just sees it as watching 'normal' porn. I've advised him it is 'totally' not the same and he knows I don't agree with 'normal' porn either although I could have accepted that a bit easier I guess! Only time will tell. I do have off days when I just feel betrayed and insecure and just think 'why' but I guess it will take time to rebuild the trust.

OP posts:
Naunet · 14/05/2021 10:21

I would love to know what % of these married men who do this, would be happy for their wives to be sat chatting to, spending money on and wanking over men online? Would they be totally cool with it too?

RestUp · 14/05/2021 10:27

I would lose all respect I have for my DP if he did this. So for me that would mean I would leave him.

It's not necessarily that I see it as cheating, but his lack of regard towards women would really give me the ick.

mainsfed · 14/05/2021 10:31

The words 'fantastic dad' and 'besotted' don't mean anything on MN, they seem to be applied to awful men.

I hope for your sake he isn't lying, OP.

Original poster
Mermaid2007 · 14/05/2021 14:25

@Naunet

I would love to know what % of these married men who do this, would be happy for their wives to be sat chatting to, spending money on and wanking over men online? Would they be totally cool with it too?
Yes I would too! that has been put past him previously to which he couldn't answer!
OP posts:
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