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Original poster

Husband has been watching cam girls

137 replies

Mermaid2007 · 07/02/2021 19:42

Hi, I need some advice please. I’m absolutely devastated to find out my husband had been watching / interacting with cam girls. I got into his account and he has sent various messages back and forth, it makes me feel sick. I always had an inkling he was watching porn but this is taking it to another level.
He is not one to talk things through which makes things more difficult but said it was because I continuously knocked him back when he wanted sex which I fully admit I did. I lost interest for a long time with the stresses of work/children etc.
Part of me therefore blames myself and in a way I’m relieved that it was just online and not a real life affair. He has promised wholeheartedly that he has never cheated physically with another woman and I do believe him.
I’m just shocked I guess that he’s not the person I thought he was.
In all other ways he’s fantastic, has always been the most fantastic dad and has always appeared to be besotted with me.
Do I leave him or should I try and forget and take his word that he’ll never use these tacky horrible sites again?

OP posts:
Emeraldshamrock · 07/02/2021 22:57

If you're happy for your DH it isn't much different it is interactive porn.

R0BYN · 07/02/2021 23:01

@VestaTilley

I’d be looking at ending the relationship, sorry OP.

Just to say- this isn’t your fault. You didn’t “cause” this by going off sex for a while. That’s normal in any relationship, especially when you have DC. Do not blame yourself and don’t let him blame you.

I’d see this as cheating, to say nothing of how disrespectful it is to women, and exploitative.

Me too. It would change how I felt about him.
tttigress · 07/02/2021 23:06

I don't think you should leave him. I think a lot on the thread saying "dump the bastard" aren't really putting themselves in your shoes.

caringcarer · 07/02/2021 23:15

It would be a divorce for me.

DelphiniumBlue · 07/02/2021 23:19

I don't understand how paying for it means he's not cheating, like it's the least worst option. It isn't. This is exploitation as well as cheating. Ugh.

itwillbehormones · 07/02/2021 23:19

A "cam girl" is someone's daughter, sister, mother a real person he's paying to talk to and direct. It's a big no from me.

CSIblonde · 07/02/2021 23:22

Personally i'd only worry if he'd formed an attachment to one girl or if it was obsessive/ every day for hours on end. If it was different girls& just occasionally he was obviously just horny & it's like porn, which men will often use as a substitute if they aren't getting sex.

m0therofdragons · 07/02/2021 23:26

If dh did this I’d be broken, but we have sex. I have a high sex drive and would really struggle with a sexless marriage. It’s really hard when I’ve wants sex and the other doesn’t. I think you both need to do a lot of talking and decide what you both want for your future rather than asking people on here. You potentially can save things but only if by talking you can align your wishes for the future.

m0therofdragons · 07/02/2021 23:27

One not I’ve

TheMobileSiteMadeMeSignup · 07/02/2021 23:36

Can we stop defining cam girls as real. They are live, as opposed to videoed porn which is recorded. But all the women are real! They are all sisters, daughters etc.

Anyway, I think I'd be deciding if the lack of intimacy is something that could be fixed in the marriage. And that means communication. You have every right to not have sex if you don't want to but you can't make that decision with no communication. Is the lack of sex because he doesn't pick up enough of the housework/emotional labour in the home, are you affectionate with each other in general and not just when there is a want for sex? I'd look at relationship counselling and learn to talk to each other. The cam girls are just a symptom of the failings in the relationship.

KizzyKat91 · 07/02/2021 23:39

It’s definitely cheating with the added terrible element of him paying for it. Imagine if he was “camming” with someone he knew (or FaceTiming a neighbour!) but had never had sex with them - it’s still cheating, right? There’s no denying it. So why is it different just because he hasn’t met the cam girl in person? She’s still a real life human being that’s he’s interacting with in real time.

WhatToDo82 · 07/02/2021 23:45

This would bother me a lot and I’d be livid. He’s get an earful that’s for sure and I’d probably keep an eye on things for a while, but ultimately, not one to LTB for if I’m honest. I could probably work past it. Good luck OP

tensmum1964 · 08/02/2021 01:08

I would struggle not to end my relationship. This is worse than pre recorded porn, especially if he has interacted with them and used family money to pay for it. That is hardly any different to paying a prostitute. I believe that some of these sites are free to just watch. Has he admitted to paying?

Jamboree01 · 08/02/2021 01:19

@Tiffbiff

Its not nice no, but he’s not been to a prostitute and he has needs in the relationship too, otherwise you’re just friends. It sounds like you both have issues you need to work through- if you’re not being unreasonable for not wanting intimacy, he’s not unreasonable too want it.

Maybe take the sexual side out of it, because he hasn’t slept with anyone.

If you stopped talking to your husband for a year, would you find it unreasonable if he went and spoke to someone else because he was desperately lonely and rejected?

It would be unreasonable to end it due to this

How does she know he hasn’t been to a prostitute? Or that he’s interacting with ‘cam girls’ because he can’t get to a prostitute right now?

Does he help in life? With the kids and everything else? Or is he selfish?

Has he cooked you a meal at the end of the day? Looked after you? Made you feel special?

How old are these ‘cam GIRLS’?

Don’t blame yourself. It sounds to me like you deserve so much better 💐

SamLovesLembasBread · 08/02/2021 01:39

I'd be furious. It's a lot closer to cheating than "just" porn, since he's been interacting sexually with a real person, and he's also been wasting family money on his disgusting habit, which would further enrage me.

I wouldn't trust him to stop, unfortunately, so if I were to stay, he'd have to become comfortable with talking things out. His life would have to be an open book for a while. I'd need to feel that he understood the gravity of what he'd done, was genuinely remorseful, and was willing to bend over backwards to make things work between us. If I got a whiff of annoyance from him, I be reconsidering my commitment to the marriage.

Pinkmarsh · 08/02/2021 01:49

For me it would be the end. If my husband couldn’t handle a few weeks/months without sex then he could bog off. We’ve been married 26 years and had many dry patches. I’ve no issue with watching porn but actually interacting with another woman regardless of not actually meeting then would be the end for me.

HitchFlix · 08/02/2021 01:52

I'm fairly open minded but I didn't even know what cam girls were until seeing it on mumsnet. It's really not ok. It's a huge step up from porn IMO and if I found out my DH was engaging I would consider it a huge betrayal and would leave without a doubt. Don't let him make your ignore your instincts. Just because it's common doesn't make it ok. It's REALLY not okay. It doesn't matter if you refused his advances, there's really no excuse.

Sorry OP Flowers

HitchFlix · 08/02/2021 01:56

As for him "not going to prostitutes" it's essentially the same thing. He's a married man who paid a woman for a sexual service. He's a fucking creep.

Imworthit · 08/02/2021 02:43

@Divebar2021

I don’t believe all these people would leave their marriages over this. They might think they would but when push came to shove I don’t think they would. Most women don’t even leave after a physical affair.
Most women? You mean you? That’s a bit generalising. A blackout drunk one night stand. I may or may not forgive would have to see but an affair no. Never. It’s malicious & premeditated as is paying women for sexual favours
bigbeautwoman · 08/02/2021 02:47

I’d be pissed off initially but would then take a good hard look about improving our sex life

Imworthit · 08/02/2021 02:51

And a good number of cam girls are also escorts.

How would he feel if you were getting dick pics and getting off with random guys on tinder. If your never gonna meet them that’s ok right??

Imworthit · 08/02/2021 02:52

@bigbeautwoman

I’d be pissed off initially but would then take a good hard look about improving our sex life
😭
HitchFlix · 08/02/2021 02:53

I’d be pissed off initially but would then take a good hard look about improving our sex life

Fuck me that's grim.

You really REALLY deserve better than this OP.

bigbeautwoman · 08/02/2021 02:55

what’s that emoji “Imworthit” mean?

bigbeautwoman · 08/02/2021 02:55

@HitchFlix

I’d be pissed off initially but would then take a good hard look about improving our sex life

Fuck me that's grim.

You really REALLY deserve better than this OP.

eh?
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