Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To wonder why people think everyone should drive

999 replies

Sunnydays999 · 07/02/2021 18:51

Tried several times in my 20s .My dyslexia means I find some aspects hard . I also have anxiety and driving made this worse .
My husband drives . He has always driven on holidays and days out .
It surprises me on here and in real life how shocked people are that I don’t drive . I just wondered why ?

OP posts:
UndertheCedartree · 08/02/2021 20:51

I do find it slightly amusing how drivers suddenly can't leave their houses if their car is being repaired or something. They can't possibly walk somewhere or use public transport and expect lifts far more than the people I know who don't drive!

MacDuffsMuff · 08/02/2021 20:53

@UndertheCedartree

I do find it slightly amusing how drivers suddenly can't leave their houses if their car is being repaired or something. They can't possibly walk somewhere or use public transport and expect lifts far more than the people I know who don't drive!
That's literally never happened to me or anyone I know. It's OK not to drive you know, you don't need to be embarrassed about it and you don't have to make ridiculous stuff up about people who do drive. GrinGrin
MacDuffsMuff · 08/02/2021 20:55

@alwaysplayingplaydoh

I can't drive. I've had lessons. I've taken tests. I've tried both manual and automatic. I cannot do it. What seems easy to others is impossible for me. I can't judge distance, I can't remember what road signs mean, I can't follow directions, I can't park, I can't decipher new routes or cope with unfamiliar roads.

I have ADHD. I can't do it. It may be an "essential life skill", but I can't do it and not sure what MN would expect me to do about that.

As an aside, my grandmother aged 82 has never driven, has been a widow for many years now but her husband didn't drive either, they live somewhere where public transport is pretty shit and yet she still manages to fend for herself without cadging lifts off anyone else.

That's OK you know. I know people go on about it being a life skill (I'm a driver) but it doesn't need to be a life skill for you. I'm sure you do just fine always.
littlepattilou · 08/02/2021 20:55

@Soboredofcorona

People who say they’ve ‘never needed to drive’..........

Have you never wanted to visit a remote beach? Go on holiday to a rural area? Suddenly go somewhere on a whim?

Yes, you can get to most major UK beaches, for example, on public transport, packed out with millions of dull people, all with the same idea, competing for space and having to listen to their music, smell their cigarette smoke and look at their litter, but you can’t get to a lot of the most beautiful beaches in a place like Dorset, for example, on the bus!

I lived in London and learned to drive, as I knew it would limit my life choices otherwise. I had a period without a car and went to visit a farm that had a lambing event. It would have been a 25 minute car drive. It took over 2 hours waiting at bus stops in the bitter cold! What a waste of time! Not to mention getting back again.

I moved to a rural location and my abusive ex had gone off with the car. I called a taxi company, only to be told they only operated outside of office hours, as there wasn’t enough demand for a full time taxi service........ there were 2 buses a day, but they didn’t stop in my village. I ended up putting a message on my local Facebook group and a kind stranger gave me a lift into town!

I’ve enjoyed road trip holidays where I took off whenever I fancied and detoured to visit interesting places. You can’t stay in a remote Cornish cottage for example and explore the area if you are relying on taxis and buses all the time.

If you don’t drive, other than for medical reasons, I think it shows a very limited interest in life outside your immediate surrounds.
That’s fine if that’s how you choose to live, but lots of people are surprised you don’t choose to be independent, to explore, to be spontaneous and to live your life in as full a way as possible.

100% this.

IMO, not being able to drive is very life limiting. People can deny it til they're blue in the face, but it WILL affect career prospects, and there's so much you can't do. As you say, you can be spontaneous and independent, and live a much more free and impulsive and exciting life.

When I was a young teen (early 1980s,) many women couldn't drive, just maybe 1 in 5. (And most women born before the 1940s couldn't drive.)

From a very early age I wanted to drive, I wanted the freedom and the independence, and to not be reliant on other people to always run me around. And how annoying to have to wait until your 'lift' is ready to leave. Very restrictive. Also, some people say they never get driven by anyone, but frankly, I don't believe that. I don't believe they have NEVER had a lift from someone, ever.

Also, they deny they affect other peoples lives, but as a few others have said, when people have to arrange social events around you, because you can't drive, (ie, have to make sure the place is near a bus route that goes past your house!) it becomes tedious.

As I said, I never wanted to be a non-driver, and I worked hard, and paid for many lessons (about 40 in all,) and took four attempts (over one and a half years,) to past my test. I was a bit anxious and nervous, but eventually I gained confidence, and passed my test. Before long, I was a very confident driver.

It was hard work and expensive, but I paid for it all myself, and sacrificed a lot, to make way for the money to pay for it.

I don't expect a medal; I'm just illustrating how, if someone WANTS to learn to drive, they will find the money. I am willing to bet that the people who go on about the cost of driving lessons, spend money on expensive smartphone contracts, smoking, drinking, gym memberships, clothes, big TVs, expensive tech (well probably at least SOME of the above!) So the 'I can't afford it' excuse doesn't wash with me.

You don't have to get a car, but if there is no health reason, learning to drive is a really important life skill that everybody should have IMO.. To not be arsed (when you will at some point definitely expect lifts and favours from people who CAN drive,) is just selfish and inconsiderate.

In addition, as some posters have said, you are also limiting the life experiences of your children too (if/when you have them.)

My DD would never have had HALF the experiences she had as a child if I couldn't drive. Various clubs, hobby groups, theatre groups etc, and lots of day trips with me, to places the buses never went. And trips to concerts in big cities that we could not have got back from by train as they finished too late, and various cities that took an hour to get to by car, but would have taken 3 hours by public transport.

Also, as some other posters have mentioned, when children came to our house, (whose parents couldn't drive,) the parents ALWAYS expected us to pick their child up AND drop them off. And like fools we did it. I would not do it now!

In addition, the train fares for 2 adults to the town my cousin lives, is nearly £180 return for me and DH. It costs £40 in petrol. It takes 5.5 hours by train. 3.5 hours by car. Madness.

As the poster I quoted said, I have also known many a time when a 20-25 minute car drive is 2 hours by public transport.

I know 2 women who live 10 miles from their workplace (same workplace, but one lives north of it, and the other south...) They work 9am til 4.30pm.

The first one who drives, leaves for work at 8.40am, and the one who gets public transport (2 buses,) has to leave at 7.15am. The first one gets home for 4.50pm to 5pm, and the second one gets home between 6.15pm and 6.30pm. Batshit. An 11 and a half hour day for the non-driver, and a 8 and a half hour day for the one who drives.

As I said, why someone wouldn't at least TRY to learn to drive just baffles me. I also wonder how the people whose partners drive them about everywhere will cope if/when their relationship breaks down!

As for the 'why do you judge people who don't drive' comments from several posters here. Why shouldn't I? It's a free country.

alwaysplayingplaydoh · 08/02/2021 20:56

And to those saying it limits travel opportunities etc, I've travelled extensively, alone, with my 5 year old child, using public transport.

Apparently the resourcefulness in being able to do the above isn't an "essential life skill" but driving definitely is.

Sure, there are times I have thought oh it would be so much easier if I could drive, but I can't drive and I won't ever be able to. Just like it would be so much easier if I had smaller tits or a million quid.

alwaysplayingplaydoh · 08/02/2021 20:59

People can deny it til they're blue in the face, but it WILL affect career prospects

No sorry that is total bollocks, unless you live in some backwater somewhere, in which case you'd assume you would be able to drive.

I assume you're also the type of person who thinks uncovered tattoos will also affect career prospects.

Maybe somewhere uncultured and small minded. Certainly not any forward thinking twenty first century workplace.

lyralalala · 08/02/2021 21:01

People can deny it til they're blue in the face, but it WILL affect career prospects

Well, yes, assuming someone wants to be a bus driver it undoubtedly will...

For many, many other careers it won’t make a jot of difference whatsoever.

GoldenOmber · 08/02/2021 21:02

IMO, not being able to drive is very life limiting. People can deny it til they're blue in the face, but it WILL affect career prospects, and there's so much you can't do. As you say, you can be spontaneous and independent, and live a much more free and impulsive and exciting life.

But why do you think you are more of an authority on what it's like to be a non-driver than actual non-drivers are? Do you not think that's a bit odd?

"It's terribly life-limiting if you can't drive, it restricts you in all sorts of ways and you just HAVE to cadge lifts all the time. Yes, I have noticed that non-drivers keep disagreeing with me, but this only means they're in denial - I am an expert, after all."

alwaysplayingplaydoh · 08/02/2021 21:04

My DD would never have had HALF the experiences she had as a child if I couldn't drive. Various clubs, hobby groups, theatre groups etc, and lots of day trips with me, to places the buses never went. And trips to concerts in big cities that we could not have got back from by train as they finished too late, and various cities that took an hour to get to by car, but would have taken 3 hours by public transport.

To take those one by one:

  • Various clubs, hobby groups, theatre groups - live in London. There are dozens of these within a fifteen minute walk of our house, and it is ten minutes on the train to central London.
  • lots of day trips with me, to places the buses never went I can't think of anywhere we've gone on a day trip that wasn't accessible by public transport. And if not - taxis do exist!!!

-And trips to concerts in big cities that we could not have got back from by train as they finished too late not an issue when you actually live in the big city.

various cities that took an hour to get to by car, but would have taken 3 hours by public transport cities I have visited from where I live in London with my son include Paris, Bristol, Manchester, York, Exeter, Leeds, Newcastle, Cardiff. All of which were much quicker via train than by car.

Please do not apply your narrow views and assume they cover everyone. Those of us who actually live in cities are not going to be affected by any of the supposed problems you mention, and nor are our children.

ProfessorSillyStuff · 08/02/2021 21:10

Growing up in Cornwall, the only career I could have with a car driving licence that I can't without is taxi driver or community carer.
I'm not even remotely interested in doing them. The pay is awful and I wouldn't enjoy it or be good at it.
It's a lot more limiting to refuse to try and leave the County more permanently in search of career or education prospects.
I think we have seen the effects of selfish ass drivers on the weather during the lockdowns this year and strongly feel we have a moral imperative to fucking stop buying cars and driving for the future of our kids, not do it more. You do not need to travel 2 hours in a personal car just to have a day out. Time spent on trains and buses can be used to catch up on planning, reading etc as you do not need to direct the vehicle. So not really a problem at all, saves time in fact.

cabingirl · 08/02/2021 21:11

It depends where you live and what your transport needs are.

If you never need to go in a car, then of course you don't need to drive

If you need to go in a car regularly, you may think it's not important because you've got people to take you but while you feel it's not negatively impacting you - it's probably even in a small way negatively impacting the people who drive you places (unless you have your own paid chauffeur and then good for you, you've created a job, or you can easily afford a taxi each time)

Also, people who don't know how to drive are often unaware of how inconsiderate they are with their driving requests - you see it all the time on here - people saying oh, it's only ten minutes out of your way, but if you don't drive that doesn't factor in all the potential annoyances of that ten extra minutes when it becomes 40 minutes because of a traffic incident on the way back etc.

I drive but when I lived in London I didn't drive for 8 years because I didn't need to. Now I live somewhere aboard with absolutely no public transport so have to drive a lot.

GoldenOmber · 08/02/2021 21:12

cities I have visited from where I live in London with my son include Paris, Bristol, Manchester, York, Exeter, Leeds, Newcastle, Cardiff. All of which were much quicker via train than by car.

Ah, this reminds me of when my parents visited me a few years ago and fancied a trip to the city nearby. Let's get the train! I said. Takes you straight into the centre! I said. But nope, they insisted on driving so we all went in the car. Took ages in the traffic - longer than the train journey - then a slow crawl through the city centre, faff faff faff looking for any available parking, ended up parking really far out and having to walk ages to get to the places they wanted to see. But they still were pleased about this because at least they didn't have to go on the train! Sigh.

WhoStoleMyCheese · 08/02/2021 21:17

Being able to drive definitely opens up more possibilities. This is a mathematical FACT.
Because people with a driving license can also take public transport but not the other way around.
If you have disabilities, have tried and failed etc that is fine. Same if you live in London etc as driving is a practised skill and if you live in a teeny flat with no place to park there's no point as you will forget all your driving anyway without owning a car.
What shocks people are those who definitely benefit from being driven i.e. by a family member, who claim that they don't learn because there is no need. It's like saying that you do not need to learn how to cook because your OH does or you can always eat out.

Having said that the only people who have the 'right' to judge a non-driver are the people in their immediate circle who are impacted... not strangers

alwaysplayingplaydoh · 08/02/2021 21:18

Ah, this reminds me of when my parents visited me a few years ago and fancied a trip to the city nearby. Let's get the train! I said. Takes you straight into the centre! I said. But nope, they insisted on driving so we all went in the car. Took ages in the traffic - longer than the train journey - then a slow crawl through the city centre, faff faff faff looking for any available parking, ended up parking really far out and having to walk ages to get to the places they wanted to see. But they still were pleased about this because at least they didn't have to go on the train! Sigh

Sounds like my in laws.

2pinkginsplease · 08/02/2021 21:19

I didn’t learn to drive until I was 26 and I have to say it has definitely made life much easier. Our children have had so many opportunities to visit places and take part in sports events due to the fact I can drive.
It’s also opened doors for jobs as the job I have just now would take over an hour and 2 buses whereas I can reach it in 15 minutes by car.

Ds wasn’t fussed about learning to drive and I encouraged him to take lessons and pass his test as it’s a valuable skill to have. He passed in December.

My friend was 46 when she passed her test. She had no desire to drive until she changed jobs and driving made her commute easier.

Growing up we didn’t have a car and so travelled by bus or train, so I’m not lost when we don’t have the car but it definitely makes life so much easier.

notacooldad · 08/02/2021 21:27

I oy one ast in my extended family that didn't drive ( my mums aunty)
All the people in my social circle drive e.
I am an essential car user for work so all the staff drive as well.
As soon as my children were approaching 17 they got their provisional licence and passed their tests as soon as they could.
I can't imagine a life not driving.Apart from my job and making everyday life easier. I love the independence and freedom being a driver gives me. In normal times) I like being able to cross the country to places for trips. I love hiring cars when I'm abroad and going exploring.
Even at times when I couldn't afford a car it was good to have the option to rent one in an emergency.
Back to your original question about people being shocked about non drivers I think that in some circles, like mine for example, you would be the odd one out for not driving. You would certainly be unusual.

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 08/02/2021 21:30

As for the 'why do you judge people who don't drive' comments from several posters here. Why shouldn't I? It's a free country.

There's a lot of verbal(written) diarrhoea in your post so I'm just going to pick your last point.

Because not driving is not a moral, ethical or personality failure. What is there to judge?

Waxonwaxoff0 · 08/02/2021 21:34

@littlepattilou your entire post is nonsense. Why is it so hard to understand that just because you would find life limiting if you couldn't drive, doesn't mean that it's the same for everyone else?

To address some of your generalisations - my friends NEVER plan their nights around my bus routes. Because taxis exist. Actually, 3 of my 4 best friends can't drive either.

I genuinely don't get lifts. I haven't got a partner. There is no one to give me lifts. I walk to work, to the school, to the shops. DS goes to clubs. We walk there.

We go on holidays and for days out. Using public transport. I'll concede it probably takes a bit longer, but that's not an issue for us.

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 08/02/2021 21:35

@GoldenOmber

I get that if you drive a lot, it could be hard to imagine how people function without. But I find it strange that so many of those people decide to just make up a version in their heads of how people cope without cars - and then if non-drivers say "no it's not like that," they tell us we're wrong. It is a very strange attitude to have.

"Oh it's so hard to function without a car, you can't go anywhere independently."
"Yes I can."
"NO YOU CAN'T."

They also make up various and unlikely what ifs about how much freedom and independence they have.

"Oh I can wake up in the middle of the night and drive 200 miles away to see the sunset on the beach. You can't. Ner ner!"

Hmm
DdraigGoch · 08/02/2021 21:37

I got rid of my car last year, a combination of environmental concerns and unhappiness at the expense. When buying my house I consciously chose one only a few miles from work. All I have to do is jump on my bike and I'm at the local railway station in 15 minutes. It's on the way to a ferry port so has services running even in the small hours. If I need to collect a large object impractical to carry on a bike (you'd be surprised at what I have managed to carry), I walk or take the bus. The local builder's merchant only has a £50 minimum order so if I need something REALLY heavy, they'll deliver. If I really was stuck, I could hire a van. I don't depend on others for lifts.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 08/02/2021 21:37

And my life is pretty exciting despite not having a car. More exciting than a lot of people on Mumsnet who DO drive I'd wager, seeing as a lot of people on here seem to hate leaving their houses and seeing other people.

Conundrumofsorts · 08/02/2021 21:42

It must depend on where you live and how independent you are.
Before covid, I was giving a lift to a non driver friend at least once a week.
I do empathise with those who have adhd etc and think that’s a tough situation, I would always be happy to give a lift to those who needed it.

Grenlei · 08/02/2021 21:48

As someone who spent the majority of my adult life as a non driver, I can say now that it does limit you. I didn't appreciate this when I couldn't drive. I knew it was inconvenient sometimes but I'd never driven so I didn't really see just how easy it would make my life.

You are tied to public transport so you can only go to places where public transport goes to, at the hours when it runs. You're at the mercy of cancelled or delayed services, overcrowding (a particular worry in current times), waiting around in rain or snow etc. Of course if you live in central London ie zone 1-2, or on another city or large town with lots of amenities and excellent public transport and you live near a bus stop or station, it might not feel too limiting. But it still is nonetheless.

Like I said, if you can't drive, you can't jump in a car to rush to family or a child in an emergency. You can't do things on the spur of the moment, extending a day out will be difficult if you're booked on a certain train, or they stop running after a certain time.

And it will affect career prospects. My DC is expected to drive as a junior surveyor; he has friends working in hospitality, IT and engineering all of whom have needed to drive in their roles. I don't think it's that unusual that you may be required to drive as part of your job, especially when working in a non office based role.

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 08/02/2021 21:53

Like I said, if you can't drive, you can't jump in a car to rush to family or a child in an emergency. You can't do things on the spur of the moment, extending a day out will be difficult if you're booked on a certain train, or they stop running after a certain time.

How many times a year do you actually do any of that?

GoldenOmber · 08/02/2021 21:54

I knew it was inconvenient sometimes but I'd never driven so I didn't really see just how easy it would make my life.

But that's YOUR life. Not everybody's life. There are many non-drivers who have driven, have first-hand experience of how easy it can make their life, and still choose not to because in THEIR lives, the inconveniences of driving end up bigger than the inconveniences of not driving.

Swipe left for the next trending thread