To wonder why people think everyone should drive

[Sunnydays999]

Tried several times in my 20s .My dyslexia means I find some aspects hard . I also have anxiety and driving made this worse .
My husband drives . He has always driven on holidays and days out .
It surprises me on here and in real life how shocked people are that I don’t drive . I just wondered why ?

So all the burden is on your partner. That's what annoys people - the fact that people choose not to drive but then make themselves a burden for other people.

Most couples I know have a designated driver though.
When I was a child we went on holiday to Scotland. My Dad did all the driving and my Mum who could also drive, did all the sitting next to my travel sick sister catching vomit.
SIL does all the family driving in her household as BIL isn't insured on her car and drives the company pick up which works better for them financially but doesn't fit the children in.
DH does the driving. If he doesn't fancy driving we get the a taxi, train or walk.
In the same way I do all the cooking, if I don't fancy it we get a takeaway.
He enjoys driving the children to weekend activities, he works away all week so considers this time with them very important.
He also doesn't mind giving people lifts unlike most of the drivers on MN. The drivers in his family are always asking for airport lifts, pub runs etc they think because he has a 7 seat company car and fuel it's a free ride. In fact this benefit costs £130 a week in tax.

Learning to drive and having a car is extremely expensive and a luxury for some - I disagree it’s an ‘essential life skill’.

I don’t think that anyone who doesn’t drive expects to be ferried around - they will just get the bus/train/tube?

I've been on MN for long enough to have seen many of these threads. People who drive accuse those who don't drive of laziness/CFery, non-drivers refute by saying they can do everything they want to without driving. Up until not too long ago, I didn't have my license, so I'd like to think I'm well-placed to comment from both sides so to speak, and my summary is this: while I don't believe a person is any less worthy of respect for not driving, I do believe that if you can afford to and there are no medical reasons preventing you from doing so, learning to drive is absolutely worth doing and will likely open up a world of possibilities. Whether or not you choose to own a car at any given time is a different matter, but my reasons are as follows:

1.) You can live and work anywhere you choose

As a non-driver I became accustomed to organising my life around the availability of public transport. I didn't always find it limiting - I just accepted it and because I lived and worked in a city I got by. But once we moved to an area where public transport was adequate but not great, I discovered how limiting not driving actually could be. I decided I wanted to be able to live wherever I chose and be able to get around independently, and although I live back in the city now I know I can move wherever I please and take a job wherever because I'll always be able to get there. My in-laws don't drive and are always bound to areas where there is a bus or train route, and they really regret this.

2.) You can schedule your time as you please

When I didn't drive I became used to checking bus and train times and scheduling my activities around them. Public transport can be fine for getting from point A to Point B, but routes often don't connect, making multiple stops difficult or sometimes impossible. Now I find it amazing that I can go to a friend's house, do my shopping, go to a park and to the doctor all in one go. Of course, some would say they have all of this within walking distance or on one straight journey, but that would be because of a concerted choice to live in one area and if something changes e.g. bus routes, it would really throw this off like it did for me previously. If I feel like going somewhere now, I can just go, which still feels amazing to me.

3.) You can help others by driving

This was a big one for me. My DH has always driven and because I didn't drive, I could never do things like share driving on trips or pick him up from the station. I didn't realise until I started driving just how tiring it is to do long stretches of driving on your own and DH certainly appreciates that I can pick him up from work like he has done for me. I remember pre-lockdown, not long after I got my license, a colleague got sick at work and asked if I could drive her home. I was so pleased I was able to do that because just a few months before I wouldn't have been able to! I've also been able to drive elderly relatives to appointments which again I would never have been able to help with.

I really struggled in learning how to drive and felt close to giving up many times. I figured life was manageable without a license and certainly it can be. But my quality of life and the choices and freedom I've gained by driving is something I couldn't have understood before driving. Hopefully my post might motivate people like me who really struggle to drive. You can of course accommodate your life around not driving, but in the overwhelming majority of locations driving will equip you with so much more flexibility and choice as it did for me

I haven’t read the whole forum but I can concur. I would have disagreed with you about four years ago with pretty much what you’ve said however driving has changed my life.

I started to learn to drive when I was 17 and I didn’t pass until I was 20! I told myself that not driving isn't so bad even though public transport was awful where I lived and could just get taxis and buses to go places as I hated driving lessons with a passion. I had severe anxiety over lessons and as a consequence - I had five failed tests, including a terminated test which my instructor at the time said has never happened before in his twenty five years of being an instructor

Once I graduated, I got myself a car which tremulously increased my job prospects (some jobs require a license to visit clients who may not be near a railway station) and my DP lived 25 miles away from me which was served with direct buses near my house however it was so unreliable I would have to be there 15 minutes before it was scheduled to depart as I was worried I’d miss it as it has a tendency to be late and the next bus wouldn’t have been until two hours later plus it stopped running at 3pm so couldn’t really see him for that long unless I stayed over so driving massively improved that too.

Even going places by train would involve parking at my local station and getting the train into Birmingham and changing there, whereas now I can just drive to a parkway station and the train direct to where I want to go and it’s often free parking at the station and saves so much time versus going to my local station!

I know I’ve rambled on quite a lot but driving really has changed my life. I couldn’t do my job without it, visit so many places and see my DP as much as I would have liked. Possessing a driving licence is an invaluable skill and I will be encouraging my children to drive as soon as they can. Just imagine if your husband couldn’t drive and how different your life would be

@Handsoffstrikesagain

That is only one person though family. Plenty of car drivers don’t think that way, just as I can acknowledge that not all no drivers are selfish and entitled.

I completely agree.

But many posters on here have described car driving as a basic life skill that everyone should have. Someone even posted that if you don’t drive you have chosen to live your life with limitations.

@Waxonwaxoff0

For me the defensiveness comes from the generalisations on here. Many people have made statements that public transport is crap everywhere outside London and that non drivers always rely on others for lifts.

Well I didn't say ALL non drivers relied on others for lifts. I said my SIL and BIL do, from my PIL and plenty others (every day lifts to work etc...). I have no issue at all with people who don't drive and travel independently. I think it's admirable, we should all be in our cars less often. Not everyone behaves the same, who knew...

Depends where you live. I live rurally and could not manage without a car.

This. I grew up on a farm, no public transport. My parents saw getting a driving licence as important as getting exams at school and argued that at school when they new head teacher tried to bar 6th formers from having driving lessons during free periods.

Having the option of driving doesn't stop me from taking a train or walking or cycling, and I do also do those things. But being able to drive means I have more options about where I live and work as well as when I go to a supermarket and which supermarket.

I have cousins won't learned to drive in their 50s when they moved put of London - if you've got a good public transport infrastructure, you don't need to drive. Would that work in my sister's village which has 2 buses a week? I have at least two friends who don't drive - they live city centre, so it's fine, but if they were to move, they'd have to research public transport much more carefully than I would if I were to move.

You don't have to drive, but you have to adapt your life accordingly.

I think if you RTFT you’ll see that most non-drivers have said they don’t rely on other people to drive them and are completely independent when it comes to travelling.

Thing is, non drivers often say this but it isn't always true, I think they genuinely don't realise that they rely on others. I have had someone boast that they are very independent and never get lifts - while they were actually in my car getting a lift from me!

OP is the best example, she obviously started this post without even realising that she often gets driven around by her DH. When asked about it, she dismissed that with "oh but he loves driving". She has obviously never considered or even noticed this big favour that he is doing.

I’m fine with people not driving.

What’s not fine is when they suggest nights out, weekends away or whatever and expect me to do all the driving. I always say no and tell them why.

My dream is drive across America and I am discussing this with some friends, one of which doesn’t have a driving licence. She’s been told to get one or she won’t be coming.

She’s got plenty of time to sort this, it’s not like it’ll happen this year. Maybe in a few years time when we’ve all saved up.

I have had someone boast that they are very independent and never get lifts - while they were actually in my car getting a lift from me!
Did you offer the lift though?
I find sometimes drivers will not take no for an answer, it's really awkward.
In that situation I will make a big deal of saying how I never usually accept lifts because MN has given me the impression that despite offering a lift and being insistent on me accepting the driver is inwardly seething at me for having the audacity to be accepting the lift that they offered.

I think some drivers just can’t get their head around how difficult driving is for some people. I failed my test 5 times aged 17/18, tried again in my thirties and passed on my 8th attempt! No say I’m not a natural driver is an understatement...

When I passed my test I told myself I just needed some practice, confidence etc so forced myself to drive to places. I absolutely hated it - nerves in the hour before driving, terrified throughout the drive, anxiety about parking (I need two spaces next to each other to feel confident I won’t crash into another car), not relaxing as I knew I needed to drive home again.

Again, I persevered - thought to myself that maybe after I’ve driven for 6 months or 2 years or whatever I would suddenly become a ‘normal’ driver who gets in the car without a second thought! Plus I wanted to set an example to my daughters that driving is a mummy job not just a daddy job etc.

A decade after passing my test I’ve pretty much given up driving bar the occasional very short easy drive. I feel like I’ve given it my best shot and unfortunately it’s just not for me.

@ColonelHastings completely agree with everything you say. Scheduling time, being able to do more is a big advantage for me.

The more children you have, and the older they get, the greater the benefit or indeed need for owning a car becomes. I can think of several times when my DC had 2 parties on the same day half an hour and maybe 3 or 4 miles apart. No direct bus route between the two, or if there was it involved a 20 min walk at either/both ends. When that happened I would end up having to try and cadge a lift from a friend for one of the kids, or see if my Ex would drop one of them off. If neither was possible, then one or both would have to miss out. It would have been significantly easier and less stressful if I'd had a car.

Ditto a journey I used to do to one of my former jobs. I needed to catch a train from a station in the next town (there is a station 7 mins walk from my house, but it is on a completely different line) to the town where my office was. I could walk 20-25 mins from my house, catch a bus which took about 15 mins and then do a 15 min walk to the station - so all in all it would take an hour. No problem with that...except that I couldn't drop my DC at their childminder (on the way to the bus stop) until 7.45, she was the only CM who took children before 8am, my train was at 8.15 and as the journey took 30 mins that was the latest train I could get and still be in work for 9am.

So I used to have to take a taxi to the station (dropping off DC on the way) every day. £50 a week just on taxis, it was the same again for the train fare. A 1.5 hour journey that would have taken 30 mins by car and cost me about £20 in petrol/diesel a week if that, I was spending 5x that amount.

I did it because I had no choice. But now I can drive I wish I'd learned sooner so I could have made life easier for myself!

Life skill and independance are the ones that get me.

As if non drivers are some how shackled without.
I'm a traveller it's never stopped us going anywhere, my dh is the driver and I do other things.

Also - regardless of whether I could drive or not I’d always want to live in a neighbourhood within walking distance of a town centre, access to trains to London (SE England) so I don’t feel not driving has constrained my choices there. Every time I visit people in areas where you need a car to get anywhere and nobody walks anywhere I feel a bit twitchy. It feels very unnatural to me.

Yes, but he can travel because I do things to allow him to.
If I could drive he'd be the driver as he enjoys it, and is a terrible passenger.
My point is not driving hasn't stopped me from doing anything.

We both drive but my husband was unable to drive for year due to seizures. If I wasn't able to drive we'd have been screwed as we live in a village and had 2 holidays booked in the UK that obviously required driving there.

When I was 17 (17 years ago!) it was saw as a right of passage, all my friends drove.

My mother never enjoyed driving but when my dad died was glad she’d persevered with it. Her social life would have been severely curtailed otherwise.

It’s really about two things I think. Necessary or priorities.

Clearly some people would struggle to get anywhere without a car for good reason, rurality, disability etc.

For others it depends what’s important to you. Someone said you couldn’t go off exploring on a holiday to Scotland, well that only matters if it’s important to you. I’m sure people who start to find they can’t do the things they want would soon learn to drive but if it isn’t stopping you from doing the things you want to you’re less likely to.

And most certainly, my DD is not being a burden on anyone by not driving. She is fastidious about not putting anyone out by asking for lifts or even taking them when offered. If she does accept a lift she always offers petrol money.

A particular time sticks out... I was driving the 90 mins home from uni in the middle of finals... Someone cadged a lift with me... When I said I was going to X and was happy to drop off en route (no route deviation) ... Turns out this person lived another 30 miles the other side of destination... No public transport as rural... So I either had to drive them or leave them on my front door step... So I ended up driving an unintended 60 sodding miles... The night before my finals... Nice...

That was your fault not theirs though? It's not the 'lift cadgers' fault that you were unable to say no, sorry I can't do that tonight.

@Handsoffstrikesagain

dev can I ask what you do that enables him to travel? Do you mean that you work and he doesn’t or something?

No, I just do other things whilst he drives. It has varied throughout our life, but includes domestic, although he does anything heavy, vehicle maintenance, the easy bits. Home education when the dc were little. We both work in Music and Entertainment, but based in bricks n mortar as that was where we were when first lockdown happened. It's hell out there atm with thousands homeless waiting for sites, and new laws to stop us stopping anywhere.

I have dyspraxia and it took me YEARS, finally picked it up in an automatic but was awfully hard work. Not driving was limiting my life though.