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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder why people think everyone should drive

999 replies

Sunnydays999 · 07/02/2021 18:51

Tried several times in my 20s .My dyslexia means I find some aspects hard . I also have anxiety and driving made this worse .
My husband drives . He has always driven on holidays and days out .
It surprises me on here and in real life how shocked people are that I don’t drive . I just wondered why ?

OP posts:
SchrodingersImmigrant · 07/02/2021 23:27

However, of people are ok with that limitations, it's their choice and that's fine

AliceMcK · 07/02/2021 23:27

I was 29 before I learnt to drive but only because I moved somewhere I needed to be able to drive to get around. I grew up in a city with great public transport or walked everywhere, then lived in london so no point driving there.

I know lots of people who don’t drive.

GoldenOmber · 07/02/2021 23:27

@Wafflewife

If someone said to me, oh, I can't climb stairs, I wouldn't assume that they lived in a multi-storey house and sat trapped on the ground floor gazing longingly up to the landing. I'd assume that they lived in a flat or a bungalow, or that they had one of those chair-lift things if they did have a staircase.

Yes but can't and won't are not the same thing. If someone said 'I could learn to climb the stairs but instead I've chosen to limit my options for the kind of house I can live in or make myself dependent on other people transporting me up and down the stairs' then I'd think they were missing out and potentially in a tricky, dependant state. I'm obviously not talking about people who can't drive for medical reasons.

Well, how do you think those of us who can't drive for medical reasons function? If you're saying that not driving makes you either dependent on others or massively limiting your options in life, then those things must still apply no matter what the reason for not driving.

I can't drive for medical reasons. I am not dependent on anyone to get around (except in a general societal sense I suppose, but then so would drivers be on e.g. mechanics and people who transport fuel to petrol stations), and I don't feel that my life is massively limited in professional or personal opportunities.

If a fairy godmother appeared now and granted me the ability to drive, it genuinely wouldn't change very much for me. ("Ah! But you don't know, because you have no idea how much a car could help you!" Yes but I DO know, because DH can drive and used to drive and we could still hire a car if we needed to... but we haven't bothered for about six years, because I wouldn't want to rely on him and so we're set up to function fine without one now, hence not owning one.)

lyralalala · 07/02/2021 23:28

And no, I won't cycle 6 hours either.

So yeah, it does greatly affects where one can go.

It doesn't affect where you can go. It may affect how some people choose to go there. That's not remotely the same thing.

Sweet666 · 07/02/2021 23:28

How can people live without a private jet? It limits how fast they can fly to other countries and they miss out on opportunities for adventure :/

TaVeryMuchLove · 07/02/2021 23:29

It’s just one of those life skills, kind of like learning to swim. You don’t need to be a swimmer, but it’s a good idea to know how to swim.

Original poster
Sunnydays999 · 07/02/2021 23:29

@Covidwedding123 if something happened to my husband I’m sure a trip to the beach would be the least of my issues .
I would just get the bus like I did before I met him .
I can see how it would cause resentment with friends ( I would never as them to drive me anywhere )

OP posts:
PompomDahlia · 07/02/2021 23:30

I passed my test in my 30s. I have anxiety and was terrified. I still get a bit nervous but I'm fairly competent at driving and slowly gaining confidence. I feel it's an important life skill - I have ageing parents and at some point will need to help them out. I also felt guilty with DH driving me everywhere. We had a nightmare once before I passed my test where we were driving home on a motorway and he had a bad headache and we considered having to find a hotel to rest, so although he tends to drive more when we go out together it's less pressure now he knows I can take over if he's tired etc.

I also think it's been good for my mental health knowing I can drive myself places instead of needing to rely on buses or lifts. It also opens up opportunities - we are moving soon and won't be limited to the city centre.

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 07/02/2021 23:30

@Covidwedding123

But what happens if something happens to your husband ?

I think driving is essential and people put barriers up to avoid learning.

If you have condition such as epilepsy then it’s fair enough, but just saying you have poor spacial awareness is frankly nonsense, you learn that while you drive.

It’s very frustrating having to taxi another around. It causes many arguments because people say “ well it’s just so much easier if you pick me up rather than me getting 3 buses”. No concept of the drivers time and expense.

My straight is slightly (quite a lot) left. Do you really want me on the roads?Grin
lyralalala · 07/02/2021 23:30

@TaVeryMuchLove

It’s just one of those life skills, kind of like learning to swim. You don’t need to be a swimmer, but it’s a good idea to know how to swim.
And if someone was a shit swimmer would you encourage them to cross a river every day?

Because that's essentially what shit drivers are encouraged to do - get out on the road every day.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 07/02/2021 23:31

@Wafflewife

I can understand people not prioritising driving if they live in a city, but other than that I think it's really important. And I think the reason people get so offended and defensive on here about not being able to drive is actually that they know they're missing out on opportunities, and know that they're dependent on others.

I say that as someone who has been both a non driver and then a late learner and now a driver. It took me ages to learn and I found it very scary. But. The difference it makes to life is really, really marked. I recently had to take a loved one to hospital - it wasn't an 'ambulance' type emergency but they needed to be admitted for 2 weeks of treatment in the end. I was able to take them straight from the GP to the hospital door. Ages ago, I had to stop a swimming class with one of my children as the times and bus times didn't match up so after swimming and in the dark (5pm, winter) I had to walk 10 minutes to the nearest stop and then often wait another nearly hour for the bus in not the nicest part of town. Since I got my license, I just drive there and park like all the other parents (pre Covid). I've had amazing holidays in some real hidden gems that are not the places that people tend to go to in the British Aisles. I've also been to two other countries where driving is absolutely essential. I've got a new job that I point blank wouldn't have been able to get to before. Just absolutely no way, as there is no bus route that goes that way, despite it being a short drive (down a motorway that I could never cycle!) And, crucially, I'm no longer reliant on my husband for everything. This is important to me, as the child of divorced parents, because I need to know that if anything went wrong I could stand on my own two feet and not suddenly have lost something as important as my lift everywhere.

I get offended when people tell me I'm "reliant" on others. It's the assumption that people "taxi" me everywhere. I am a single parent and stand on my own two feet fine without being able to drive. When I was married my ex couldn't drive either so no one has ever given me lifts anywhere.
Original poster
Sunnydays999 · 07/02/2021 23:31

@TaVeryMuchLove husband isn’t a strong swimmer so I take the kids sea swimming when we go abroad as he is wary . It works we manage it between us

OP posts:
SchrodingersImmigrant · 07/02/2021 23:32

@lyralalala

And no, I won't cycle 6 hours either.

So yeah, it does greatly affects where one can go.

It doesn't affect where you can go. It may affect how some people choose to go there. That's not remotely the same thing.

It does because I am not going to be spending money on hotels when I don't have to. If you don't have a budget for overnight stay it does affect where you can go, not only how to get there. If I cycle somewhere for 6 hours when car takes 1 and 45, it's obvious the cycle won't be a day trip and will cost considerably more.
AccidentallyOnPurpose · 07/02/2021 23:32

@TaVeryMuchLove

It’s just one of those life skills, kind of like learning to swim. You don’t need to be a swimmer, but it’s a good idea to know how to swim.
Ohh I can swim. Let's build more canals, I could travel that way. Grin
FamilyOfAliens · 07/02/2021 23:32

@SchrodingersImmigrant

However, of people are ok with that limitations, it's their choice and that's fine
Haha how bloody patronising!
TaVeryMuchLove · 07/02/2021 23:33

I was referencing the life skill aspect, not critiquing anyone’s swimming ability 🙄

SchrodingersImmigrant · 07/02/2021 23:33

@FamilyOfAliens how is it patronising someone choice is fine. Should I be judging too or what do you wnat

FamilyOfAliens · 07/02/2021 23:35

[quote SchrodingersImmigrant]@FamilyOfAliens how is it patronising someone choice is fine. Should I be judging too or what do you wnat[/quote]
You know exactly why it’s patronising. Not everyone is so reliant on a car that they see not having one as living with limitations. Pretty insulting towards people who can’t drive for medical reasons also.

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 07/02/2021 23:35

[quote SchrodingersImmigrant]@FamilyOfAliens how is it patronising someone choice is fine. Should I be judging too or what do you wnat[/quote]
I assume it's the word limitations that caused issues, not that other people's choices are ok.

Original poster
Sunnydays999 · 07/02/2021 23:37

@TaVeryMuchLove exactly both are life skills . You don’t have to do either

OP posts:
GreenSlide · 07/02/2021 23:37

DH can't drive, I'm afraid he is going to have to learn, why should I be the one always driving to the supermarket or taking DC to school.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 07/02/2021 23:38

Oh ffs. That will teach me adding something to my posts later.

PastaAndPizzaPlease · 07/02/2021 23:40

You don’t necessarily need to drive as in have a car and actively be driving but I think everyone should be able to.
It gives you more choices and options and means you can be more independent.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 07/02/2021 23:41

You know exactly why it’s patronising. Not everyone is so reliant on a car that they see not having one as living with limitations. Pretty insulting towards people who can’t drive for medical reasons also.

It was in addition to my post about length of a travel in reply to going to remote places, I just added it late and posts got inbetween. It limits where and how fast can one travel. OBVIOUSLY saying "if they are ok with that limitations" means people who CHOOSE to not to drive. How could the "if" imply people who cannot? It wouldn't that's how

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 07/02/2021 23:41

@GreenSlide

DH can't drive, I'm afraid he is going to have to learn, why should I be the one always driving to the supermarket or taking DC to school.
OH drives, I don't. Since he leaves an hour before us I do all the school runs .
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