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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To wonder why people think everyone should drive

999 replies

Sunnydays999 · 07/02/2021 18:51

Tried several times in my 20s .My dyslexia means I find some aspects hard . I also have anxiety and driving made this worse .
My husband drives . He has always driven on holidays and days out .
It surprises me on here and in real life how shocked people are that I don’t drive . I just wondered why ?

OP posts:
Ontheboardwalk · 07/02/2021 20:35

My dad died 30 years ago leaving my mum in her early 40's with two kids and no driver. One of the first things she did was learn to drive to increase her job opportunities and ferry us around/run the house

Made massive difference to her and us and she encouraged me to drive and helped me with my first banger as she realised how important it was for me to learn. Get that some people can’t drive but don’t understand the people who can but don’t

Oh the non drivers and using OH as taxis winds me up. I live in city black cabs everywhere. Went out with friend in the sticks no taxis no way of getting home.

Her response is ‘ I'll just ring DH' when asked had she arranged and agreed this with him she said 'nope but he's always on call and ready to pick me up when I ring and tell him I’m stranded'. I’d have made her walk!

Sunnydays999 · 07/02/2021 20:35

@Fireandflames666 very similar to me . I worry we will crash and get stressed if anyone is what i see as “too near “

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KriekAndWaffle · 07/02/2021 20:36

Unless for medical reasons I would hate it if my partner couldn’t drive. I would hate having to drive all the time especially on long trips while he sat there relaxing!

FamilyOfAliens · 07/02/2021 20:36

@ManCubsMama

I find it really annoying when people say “I don’t drive” instead of “I can’t drive”
What, even when they can drive, but don’t (like me)?
Sunnydays999 · 07/02/2021 20:37

@Ontheboardwalk why does it annoy you when people rely on partners . Isn’t that what you do in a relationship? Obviously you know if they will be at work or etc . But my husband will often say ring for lifts

OP posts:
Sparklingbrook · 07/02/2021 20:37

You can get taxis abroad too.

That US road trip wouldn't really be the same by taxi. Grin

Sunnydays999 · 07/02/2021 20:38

Just seen she said no but he would always get her when stuck . So would my husband. Just like I would always buy presents for his mums birthday as he forgets

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Witchcraftandhokum · 07/02/2021 20:38

I've been in your husband's position. I will make sure I'm never in that position again.

ddl1 · 07/02/2021 20:38

In an ideal world, it would be useful if everyone knew how to drive (not necessarily did drive regularly). Especially during the current pandemic, when use of public transport and even taxis and car-sharing are discouraged. However, what really upsets me about some comments here is that some people seem not only to think it desirable to know how to drive, but to feel indignation and contempt against anyone who can't drive, or even the concept that some people cannot, or may choose, not to drive.

I have visual processing disabilities that mean that I cannot, and have been advised not to. drive. No doubt I could learn to drive in the sense of operating the machine and following the rules, but I could not drive safely as my visual reaction times are too poor to deal with sudden unexpected events on the road. In a way, I would be like a drunk driver when I am sober.

Most people IRL accept this fact about me; and I have made a fair few sacrifices in order to be able always to live in places where I can live independently without needing to drive. But some of the sneering comments about non-drivers on MN really get to me.

Apart from people like me who don't drive at all, I also know some older people who did drive at one time, but gave it up when age resulted in slower reflexes. I am NOT saying that all older people should give up driving!; but there are some people, especially among those who had somewhat slow reaction times to begin with, who find it difficult or impossible to drive safely beyond a certain age. I have occasionally come across posts that imply that even this group of people must either have the beginning of dementia, or are just allowing themselves to become lazy.

I do occasionally come across the other extreme: posts that are judgemental and self-righteous about drivers 'destroying the environment', etc. But it seems to be much commoner with regard to non-drivers.

KevinSausage · 07/02/2021 20:40

@KriekAndWaffle

Unless for medical reasons I would hate it if my partner couldn’t drive. I would hate having to drive all the time especially on long trips while he sat there relaxing!
It used to totally give me rage when I had to drive 4 hours so we could visit his family, and he'd fall asleep in the passenger seat 20 minutes in. The music would suddenly get extremely loud and his widow would open 🤣
MrsMcTats · 07/02/2021 20:40

My mum doesn't drive, so my whole childhood we were carless. We lived in a market town, so day to day was ok for school and shopping, but if I wanted to go to a friends they had to pick me up, if we wanted a day trip we had to go on a coach with massive restrictions on our time, we could never just pop to the 'big' shops without an ordeal with bus changes and a half hour walk there and back. Now my mum complains that she doesn't see grandkids enough. I've said if she learnt to drive she could pop over whenever - she won't. She gets sad that her friends get out and about more than her because she can no longer walk much, so coach trips are out or even walking into town. She is totally reliant on other people. I never want to be reliant on anyone, now or in the future. If for any reason my DH can't drive in the future, it's a comfort to know that I have the ability. The sense of freedom I felt when I could drive was amazing.

If I didn't drive I would have had to choose an entirely different career. To say that not being able to drive doesn't limit your options, is not true for many people that live outside of good public transport networks.

Ontheboardwalk · 07/02/2021 20:41

Sunnydays what annoys me is the expectation the lift is there without the asking

We'd met up during the day then decided to carry on for the night (ah remember those days) she didn’t contact him to arrange lifts for us both in advance. She just expected him to come out with no notice

FamilyOfAliens · 07/02/2021 20:41

I agree @ddl1

And people who complain about always having to give other people a lift. If you don’t want to, just say no! Why be a doormat and then whinge about it?

AaronPurr · 07/02/2021 20:42

Isn’t that what you do in a relationship? Obviously you know if they will be at work or etc . But my husband will often say ring for lifts

This is just my opinion but expecting someone to be at your beck and call is a bit selfish. I'm sure he'd never say no, just like he'd never make you feel guilty that all the driving falls to him. Also you would never be able to offer if the situation was reversed, so would be relaxing at home whilst he made his own way home.

lojojomo · 07/02/2021 20:45

I can't drive.

I'm not expecting people to give me lifts. (I do notice that drivers often quite forcefully offer me lifts and find it hard to imagine how I get around otherwise.)

In general I prefer the train, or walking. And I've rarely encountered a situation where I needed a car and couldn't get a taxi. I work from home. I moved to a walkable place with good train connections. I've got Uber on my phone. I don't see why I need a car.

It's nobody else's business tbqf.

Taylrse · 07/02/2021 20:47

I've been driving since I was 18. However my mum couldn't and never really needed to because of living in a city with good public transport. I don't find it weird in the slightest and as a child/teenager it was just normal to not have a car.

I don't particularly mind giving people lifts. It depends on the distance and if the person is willing to chip in with petrol or parking costs. Driving can be very tirying and stressful at times due to always having to focus, sometimes my non driver friends forget that.

To be honest, there are some terrible drivers on the road that I wish less people did drive! Grin

MingeOnFire · 07/02/2021 20:50

I don't drive. I did somehow manage to pass my test years ago but realised after several incidents that I'm not a safe driver at all. My concentration is extremely poor and I have problems with my eye sight and depth perception.

I spent many years as a single parent and rarely did it cause me any issues. I use public transport for work and anywhere else I need to go. Taxi if necessary. My DP will give me lifts sometimes these days, but I actually prefer getting the bus, and I love train journeys.

Sunnydays999 · 07/02/2021 20:52

@AaronPurr I would hate to be in a relationship where you keep score on who does what . We just aren’t like that . I’m better than him at some stuff, he’s better than me others

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AaronPurr · 07/02/2021 20:55

[quote Sunnydays999]@AaronPurr I would hate to be in a relationship where you keep score on who does what . We just aren’t like that . I’m better than him at some stuff, he’s better than me others[/quote]
I don't see it as keeping score. I was just pointing out that you could never reciprocate with lifts home or driving on holiday etc. He might not be as good at you in other are,as like organising your daughters activities, but he would still be able to do those task even if not to the same standard as you would.

GoldenOmber · 07/02/2021 20:57

I do notice that drivers often quite forcefully offer me lifts and find it hard to imagine how I get around otherwise

I’ve had this too! It is weird. Well-intended I’m sure (unless they’re the same people moaning on Mumsnet about how they’re forced to ferry around non-drivers all the time) but weird.

“But you can’t WALK! It’s over a MILE!” Confused

Thelnebriati · 07/02/2021 20:58

I don't have the skills to drive safely and don't want to put other people at risk.
Its nothing like tying your shoelaces or making a meal. You don't need fast reaction times for those.

BritWifeinUSA · 07/02/2021 20:58

Depends on where life takes you. I’ve lived in London where it’s really not necessary to own a car (but driving is still a useful skill as it can increase job prospects). But where I live now in very rural USA 23 miles from a bus stop and 75 miles from a train station where I can only get a train to one place - Los Angeles - once a day I absolutely need to be able to drive. When I lived in London I never imagined I’d one day live here. You never know where life will take you.

Sparklingbrook · 07/02/2021 21:00

@GoldenOmber

I do notice that drivers often quite forcefully offer me lifts and find it hard to imagine how I get around otherwise

I’ve had this too! It is weird. Well-intended I’m sure (unless they’re the same people moaning on Mumsnet about how they’re forced to ferry around non-drivers all the time) but weird.

“But you can’t WALK! It’s over a MILE!” Confused

I would feel a bit horrible driving somewhere to meet someone that I could quite easily pick up in my car knowing they walked a mile to get there. Especially if it was peeing down with rain or dark, or both.

But it's not relevant as everyone I know drives, so I am not able to 'forcefully' offer anyone a lift.

NeverDropYourMoonCup · 07/02/2021 21:02

Even if someone COULDN'T drive because of health reasons, I would still resent always being the designated driver

You'd resent somebody for being disabled?

That's nice.

YellowClogDancer · 07/02/2021 21:03

I drive. My husband drove. He got a brain tumour and then couldn’t drive. I drove him to all his radiotherapy and chemotherapy sessions.

Being able to drive is a very important skill. Don’t knock it.