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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Elderly male looking through my window.

369 replies

LilOnline · 07/02/2021 16:57

My building is on ta quiet pavement with very little foot traffic, with the living room windows overlooking the pavement (and a nice park across the quiet road). I am on the ground floor and have plantation shutters in the living room. I have the shutter louvers open during the day as its the only source of light for the room. I am a single female and I live alone. This is my main living area and I am in that room the majority of time as I'm working from home.

There is an elderly man (perhaps late 60s) who has been slipping greeting cards through the mail slot on my front door for the last year, at least once a month. The cards are usually blank, though he has left a message and signed his first name with his address and phone number (his address is about 5 minutes walk away). Messages are fairly impersonal - how he likes my shutters and to have a nice day. I know who he is as I’ve seen him out the window walking away from my house after the card was dropped through the mail slot a few times. I generally ignore this. My problem is that he is now looking into my house from the pavement when he is walking by. Although he is elderly and probably harmless or lonely, I am very uncomfortable with this. I value my privacy and although I know a few neighbours, I mostly keep to myself. I do not want to make new local friends in this way.

Am I being unreasonable if I drop a letter through his post (given he gave me his address) ? Could you suggest wording for the message. I was thinking something like this:
“Could you stop sending me cards and looking through my window. I am uncomfortable with this. I’ll raise this with the police if this continues.”
My concern is he may knock on my door to apologise. How do I nicely put in my message that I don’t want to be friends.

OP posts:
CocoPark · 07/02/2021 22:54

Agree that you did the best thing by reporting it, OP. Could well be nothing but better to potentially offend a harmless person than to dismiss a sinister one.

CupOfTeaAlonePlease · 07/02/2021 22:55

Am I missing something? What crime has he committed?

OP, how often is he walking past? If he's a local out for a walk, and your window is by the pavement, then I'm not sure its such a terrible thing for him to be looking at something that's in plain view from a public space. You don't even say he stops walking or peers in, just that he looks as he is walking by.

That said, I believe women should trust their instincts when it comes to safety. Do not engage with him, that will encourage him to keep reaching out to you. I would shut my window at the times of day he tends to walk.

If you are security conscious and value privacy then I suggest that your next home not have its only living room window open to the pavement.

GreenlandTheMovie · 07/02/2021 22:58

It's the proximity and the repetitive nature of the unwanted contact that exacerbates this.

I used to live in The Netherlands, where its usual to keep your reception room windows unobscured to show you have nothing to hide, but it's part of the unwritten social contract not to abuse it by staring. I'm oretty sure that most British people know this as well.

There are some cranky views on here. All the OP has done is live in her own home and work from home in her front room, but she has apparently big to take extreme measures for such unwise, risky behaviour! It's hilarious. Can you imagine being so timid that you lived such a limited life that you went about in fear of people lying in bushes who might stare in your window? I think if I caught someone doing that, I'd set a little trap for them in said bush the next time, such as some barbed wire. Only joking. Of course.

joystir59 · 07/02/2021 23:00

I'm 63 and don't regard myself as elderly and don't think age is relevant in this case. Go to the police. I wouldn't hesitate. He is a creep.

GreenlandTheMovie · 07/02/2021 23:03

@joystir59

I'm 63 and don't regard myself as elderly and don't think age is relevant in this case. Go to the police. I wouldn't hesitate. He is a creep.
I would tend to describe a man such as the op describes as "elderly", purely to indicate that i was not remotely interested in him romantically. I'm surprised that other posters haven't picked up on that.
CherryBlossomTree7 · 07/02/2021 23:03

Sounds scary OP. Really horrible for him to be doing this to you.

Whether his intentions are harmless or not, you have done the right thing by reporting it. He needs to know that it's not acceptable to harass people like this.

OakSnows · 07/02/2021 23:17

Of course the right answer is to do what you did and phone the police non emergency number.
To the posters saying not to, you are barking. You don’t know this mans situation and she should not be a meek female and politely go in for a cup of tea to ask him to stop. Of course the police want a report, @Bluntness100 saying otherwise is just try to get a rise out of people, like I have done here.

Jux · 07/02/2021 23:23

I hate nets, but have had to use them in the past. I think there are other options these days. I'm pretty sure there are sticker things you can put on your glass which allow light through and you can see out, but you can't see in.

Eyjafjallajokulldottir · 07/02/2021 23:27

@ClarencesMum

Are those shutter things really called plantation shutters? That feels a bit problematic?
This is what bothers you about this thread? Whats wrong with you?!

Also a lot of posters on this thread really need to read the Gift of Fear. Or at least get some healthy boundaries. Fucking hell.

StamfordHill · 07/02/2021 23:28

This reply has been deleted

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Tehmina23 · 07/02/2021 23:28

Back in 2012 I had an older married next door neighbour who was creepy & wrote me weird notes & pestered me... It made me quite paranoid in the end (I was incidentally in the middle of a breakdown). When my mum visited & found out she was furious & she told his wife!! My mum can be scary when cross. They moved very soon after...

OP you have done the right thing in contacting the Police. as over 60s are just as capable of criminal or creepy behaviour as anyone else!!

Recently I had to help care for a late 70something man on my ward (with no dementia or MH illness) who had recently committed sexual assault. No female staff members were allowed to be alone with him.
Also I remember an elderly man who had come out of prison after he tried to kill his wife & was admitted to my ward for an operation. He became angry about some aspect of his care so punched a nurse & started a fire.. No, he didn't have dementia either. Security had to sit with him for the rest of his stay.

Please OP don't change your way of working like some on this thread are suggesting. It's this man whose behaviour needs to change. It's creepy & unwanted attention. Hopefully the Police will be effective in dealing with it.

Jux · 07/02/2021 23:28

Here. Magic Screens www.blinds-2go.co.uk/roller-blinds/19436/oculus-bright-white.html

Eyjafjallajokulldottir · 07/02/2021 23:31

[quote Jux]Here. Magic Screens www.blinds-2go.co.uk/roller-blinds/19436/oculus-bright-white.html[/quote]
Oh god stop, she doesn't need bloody magic screens, she needs the creepy bloke to stop harassing her. Jesus wept.

BorderlineHappy · 07/02/2021 23:33

The real issue is the decision to work on the ground floor on a secluded street opposite a park and think it's a great idea to allow unrestricted vision into their work space by the general public.

No the real issue is the pervy older man,making a nuisance of himself.
Next you will be saying its because of what shes wearing.

10kaDay · 07/02/2021 23:34

I think it’s wise that you have reported this, and it would make me feel very uncomfortable too

I’m a single woman and live alone too

Do you not think it would be wise to get some window frosting film for privacy? I bought some from Amazon for my kitchen window, was about £15 and very easy to fit

Also, whilst he shouldn’t be invading your privacy, if he has a regular routine, could you ask a make friend/relative/neighbour to hang around so it’s not so obvious you are on your own, I’m a very independent professional woman, but that is one thing I would do: and you are allowed to bubble with another household if living with alone so this would be fine

GreenlandTheMovie · 07/02/2021 23:37

[quote Jux]Here. Magic Screens www.blinds-2go.co.uk/roller-blinds/19436/oculus-bright-white.html[/quote]
Have those magic screens got fingers that grip his balls through the letterbox and twist them when he puts one of his little cards through it as well?

Or should the OP block up her letter box too? Maybe she should pay for a bodyguard when she's goes out as well?

Cos I think it's fairly obvious that the stalker here will just find another way to do his stalking, unless stopped.

TheRaccoons · 07/02/2021 23:37

@StamfordHill

I’m sure everyone here has been in the position in a bar where a man tries chatting you up and you tell them you aren’t interested and they flip and start calling you names.

That is completely different. When someone has made it clear they aren't interested, continuing to pester them is harassment. And calling them names is obviously wrong.

In this case the OP never once told the man not to contact her, so it cannot yet be legally categorised as unwanted. Especially with a frequency of once per month, ie about a dozen innocent letters in one year.

As to the curtains, anyone doing stuff on ground floor without curtains is inviting the attention of passerby. Some people will be very polite and consciously avert their eyes, others might be slightly more nosy. But there's is absolutely no expectation of privacy when one does things in the clear view of the public.

She did tell him not to contact her, by ignoring all of his other attempts to contact her. If it was wanted, she’d have reciprocated.

Of course there’s an expectation of privacy when you are in your own home. People should not need to ‘avert their eyes’ because they should be minding their own business outside on the street, not looking through other people’s windows.

Chanandlerbong01 · 07/02/2021 23:39

In this case the OP never once told the man not to contact her, so it cannot yet be legally categorised as unwanted.

In terms of the law it is the person seeking consent that is responsible. How someone communicates non-verbally is also taken into account. Not the same but an example is a rape victim doesn’t have to explicitly say no, their body language is also taken into account as they may be frozen in fright. OP has non-verbally responded by not responding.

truthisalie · 07/02/2021 23:41

Stay safe, OP.

JaneyGotAGun · 07/02/2021 23:47

Prop up a board in your window and write on it in big black letters
FUCK OFF TREVOR
(or whatever his name is)

Seriously though, glad you have reported to the police. He sounds creepy as fuck

LolaButt · 07/02/2021 23:52

The posters who go straight to “oh he must have dementia”... jeez.

Why? Because the truth that many men are hostile in varying degrees to women, is just too much to comprehend?

The responsibility is on the perpetrator not the victim.

LolaButt · 07/02/2021 23:54

@JaneyGotAGun - that’s the only window covering I can agree with on this thread!

LittleTiger007 · 07/02/2021 23:56

Late 60s isn’t elderly at all. He’s still young enough to be a threat to you. He sounds creepy.

iklboo · 07/02/2021 23:56

Also, whilst he shouldn’t be invading your privacy, if he has a regular routine, could you ask a make friend/relative/neighbour to hang around so it’s not so obvious you are on your own, I’m a very independent professional woman, but that is one thing I would do: and you are allowed to bubble with another household if living with alone so this would be fine

Why should she HAVE to ask some knight in shining armour bloke 'hang around'? How about he just bloody STOPS? Glad you've spoken to the police OP.

10kaDay · 08/02/2021 00:07

@iklboo: no one has to do anything, but if this was happening to me I would be keen to make it look like I don’t live alone

Police have nothing to act on as no crime has been committed. Acting in ones own best interests is wise

I currently live in an upstairs flat (chosen for security). About to move to a house of my own: will be getting male best friend to be around on moving day, and also going to get an old pair of men’s shoes from my pal or brother to leave near door

Living alone as a woman carries a certain security risk, and no need to advertise that you are living alone

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