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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Elderly male looking through my window.

369 replies

LilOnline · 07/02/2021 16:57

My building is on ta quiet pavement with very little foot traffic, with the living room windows overlooking the pavement (and a nice park across the quiet road). I am on the ground floor and have plantation shutters in the living room. I have the shutter louvers open during the day as its the only source of light for the room. I am a single female and I live alone. This is my main living area and I am in that room the majority of time as I'm working from home.

There is an elderly man (perhaps late 60s) who has been slipping greeting cards through the mail slot on my front door for the last year, at least once a month. The cards are usually blank, though he has left a message and signed his first name with his address and phone number (his address is about 5 minutes walk away). Messages are fairly impersonal - how he likes my shutters and to have a nice day. I know who he is as I’ve seen him out the window walking away from my house after the card was dropped through the mail slot a few times. I generally ignore this. My problem is that he is now looking into my house from the pavement when he is walking by. Although he is elderly and probably harmless or lonely, I am very uncomfortable with this. I value my privacy and although I know a few neighbours, I mostly keep to myself. I do not want to make new local friends in this way.

Am I being unreasonable if I drop a letter through his post (given he gave me his address) ? Could you suggest wording for the message. I was thinking something like this:
“Could you stop sending me cards and looking through my window. I am uncomfortable with this. I’ll raise this with the police if this continues.”
My concern is he may knock on my door to apologise. How do I nicely put in my message that I don’t want to be friends.

OP posts:
Tlittle · 08/02/2021 00:13

You've done the right thing reporting it.
I'm in my thirties and a man in my local in his seventies started to get abit creepy.stupidly accepted his FB request got a weird message then I put a photo of me and my bf up on FB and he commented something rude about my bfs looks and started sending inappropriate messages so I blocked😒
The camera idea is a good one it must be scary for you I live alone too(with my kids)it would set me on edge xx

DNHandTNS · 08/02/2021 00:14

OP I'm sorry for your distress and I do think reporting it was the right thing.

Older men can be creepy and young creepy men do indeed grow up to be old creepy men.

I know of a man who tracked a woman he work's with's child outside a school and made the child tell him their address so he could visit the mum at home. She had been keeping her address confidential and had every right to do so. Other women have said he follows them, but I don't know if they have reported him or not. Hopefully they will after reading this. It's NOT normal or OK

Hollywolly1 · 08/02/2021 00:15

This is scary for you.I remember a few years back a man near my house started talking to me and I was friendly with him (my mistake )and he told me I looked nice with my hair and friendly faceHmm. I live in a remote country area with a large garden and a few days later to my disbelief this man was sitting on a rock but I stayed inside and would not go near him but for about a year after everyday he'd park at the top of my laneConfusedI would just drive on past and eventually it stopped.some men get the wrong idea if your even a little bit nice to them.I hope this stops for you

MrsMoastyToasty · 08/02/2021 00:16

Our local BBC news presenter Alex Lovell was stalked by a guy and that started with him sending her cards. Take it seriously.

Hollywolly1 · 08/02/2021 00:16

Sitting on a rock in my garden

DNHandTNS · 08/02/2021 00:23

Yes , take it seriously.

And to any women wondering, if it doesn't feel ok, don't tolerate it. We are brought up to be nice, polite, to be seen and not heard, to be pleasant , meek, long suffering.... and for what? To have some entitled man behave in a way that makes us feel uncomfortable???

Many men feel entitled. If you are "nice" to them , they take it as encouragement. If you aren't horrible to them, they take it as encouragement. Even if you have firm boundaries and a professional manner, some men will see it as a challenge to be overcome SIGH

Mamanyt · 08/02/2021 00:29

DO NOT ENGAGE IN ANY WAY. Call the police. Ask them to have a word with him. This is raising huge flags, and he isn't that elderly! Unless he walks with a walker, he is capable of being a real danger.

dayswithaY · 08/02/2021 00:43

Can people stop suggesting some sort of film for the windows? I think we've had like 500 suggestions for nets, stickers, mirrored stickers, film, reflective film. We get the message!

How about she just wraps her house in protective film so this creep can't get in.

Some of the responses on here - I feel like I've just landed in 1959.

Sn0tnose · 08/02/2021 00:57

In this case the OP never once told the man not to contact her, so it cannot yet be legally categorised as unwanted. Especially with a frequency of once per month, ie about a dozen innocent letters in one year.

It is completely abnormal to spend a year posting notes through a complete stranger’s letterbox, receiving zero encouragement or even acknowledgement, but continuing to do so. Nothing about that is innocent. It is creepy as fuck.

OP I think you’ve done exactly the right thing.

CatAndHisKit · 08/02/2021 02:57

He may of course be doing the rounds around the neighbouring srteets, posting such cards to both men and women (maybe those who live alone and isolating during covid) - maybe he thinks that in covid times this replaces saying hello on the street to neighbours. May well have slightly eccentric or have mild MH issues.

But we don't know that for sure - and OP doesn;t talk to others much to find out.
So better be on the safe side, and OP is right to log with the police before any escalaion. I'm just saying some (especially lonely, older) people have their own ideas of how to be a nice neighbour, so branding him a sex predator is a bit hasty.

CatAndHisKit · 08/02/2021 03:08

And I agree that 'elderly' is 80+ in this day and age. So many people live to their 90s now that you can't group everyone from their 60s to late 90s into the same category.
Late 60s is 'an older man/woman' or 'aging'. For one, lots of people are still sexually active (relatively speaking, obvs) into their early 70s.

lighteincastlewindow · 08/02/2021 03:28

what is wrong with people on this forum. You go out and tell him, that you don't want messages through your door. You don't call the cops (which aggravates everything) you just say stop doing it. No interest in neighbourly relations' OP come on FFs.

Eyjafjallajokulldottir · 08/02/2021 08:52

@lighteincastlewindow

what is wrong with people on this forum. You go out and tell him, that you don't want messages through your door. You don't call the cops (which aggravates everything) you just say stop doing it. No interest in neighbourly relations' OP come on FFs.
Please ignore this crap advice op.
DNHandTNS · 08/02/2021 09:13

Many men feel entitled. If you are "nice" to them , they take it as encouragement.
If you aren't horrible to them, they take it as encouragement. Even if you have firm boundaries, some men will see it as a challenge to be overcome! SIGH
Some men know they make women uncomfortable and it gives them a kick.
Document everything
A ring doorbell would be amazing because it would document him coming near your house. You would have photos and photographic evidence. Otherwise how do you know if he's been watching you at other times and you haven't noticed?

To everyone who is anti window film, I have it. Its great. No one can see in. Your choice though. Its not because of pervy old men, but to ensure privacy.

BorderlineHappy · 08/02/2021 09:14

what is wrong with people on this forum. You go out and tell him, that you don't want messages through your door. You don't call the cops (which aggravates everything) you just say stop doing it. No interest in neighbourly relations' OP come on FFs.

We don't know which way he would react for one thing.
Op lives alone and she's right to involve the police,that's what they're there for.

MumoffourinBE · 08/02/2021 09:38

I agree with the chorus of not engaging with him. I have been in similar situations several times and have learned the hard way that they only thing some men (young and old) want, is for you to engage with them. I was also raised to respect the elderly and to always smile and be nice. Add to that, I am small and I have apparently an "ask me anything" face. I remember hugely embarrassing incidents in which I smiled back to the friendly elderly man at the beach, only to discover later that he was happily helping himself underneath a towel. Later, I was walking with my toddler in the buggy, always meeting the same man on my route and greeting nicely. After 10 times or so, all of a sudden he asked me whether we would have sex. I mean, I was with my two year old in a buggy and all i did was say hello!! Now, a lot of times I am ´on guard´ and try to not look people in the eye when I pass them. Inevitably, I now get a lot of "smile love" or "cheer up" yelled at me. And for the record, my dad has dementia, and does many hugely annoying things (talking out loud, commenting on people´s appearances) but even with him I would recommend people not to engage directly as he will use this to establish a connection.

Fagey · 08/02/2021 09:39

No don't respond.

Camera/ring doorbell up. And tell the police. If you see him looking in pick up your phone and phone them to log it.

MumoffourinBE · 08/02/2021 09:39

Just to be clear, the man I met on my walking route, was a different guy from the time at the beach!

Googlebrained · 08/02/2021 10:30

The person who asked why these lonely men never seem to approach other men had it spot on. It's always younger women that they seem to fixate on. I haven't had any men befriending me for years. Wonder why that is Hmm...

OP you did exactly the right thing. Please ignore all those people suggesting you contact him. If he has any stalking tendencies that will just feed into his fantasy. And if he has dementia, it doesn't mean he's harmless as PP have suggested. If anything it can mean he's more dangerous as he may have lost his inhibitions.

I'm not suggesting you feel scared in your own house, but just be aware that it doesn't escalate. And if anyone speaks to this guy it should be the police and not you.

DNHandTNS · 08/02/2021 10:31

I'd be tempted to ignore completely, but put a very small sign (in small writing) in the window that says "If you are close enough to read this, you're on camera. Leave. Now!" Or ruder, depending how you feel.

DNHandTNS · 08/02/2021 10:35

@Googlebrained yes dementia might mean a loss of boundaries and or inappropriate behaviour.

OP if you know where the man lives you could speak to Social services (Adult services) with a "concern" for his well being re the strange behaviour. The more you document it, the better.

HappydaysArehere · 08/02/2021 11:05

If that was me I would have checked with neighbours to ask them if they had received any cards and did they know anything about him.

cosmopolitanplease · 08/02/2021 11:18

I too am disgusted with the handmaidening on this thread. Christ just tell the op to move into a convent and cover herself with a wimple and habit why don't you.

OP you've done the right thing in reporting it. This is what I would do as well; set up an anonymous fb profile and post in my area's information/chat group asking if anyone else has experienced similar, maybe with a description or even a photo of the creep in question.

Felifox · 08/02/2021 11:27

I think you've done the right thing, if he's just being ultra friendly it could be pointed out that he's invading her privacy.

ammyspice · 08/02/2021 11:29

Reporting him is the best option he may be harmless but you don’t know that. His behaviour is inappropriate and you don’t want to wait for it too get more extreme. Prevention is better than cure