Elderly male looking through my window.

[LilOnline]

My building is on ta quiet pavement with very little foot traffic, with the living room windows overlooking the pavement (and a nice park across the quiet road). I am on the ground floor and have plantation shutters in the living room. I have the shutter louvers open during the day as its the only source of light for the room. I am a single female and I live alone. This is my main living area and I am in that room the majority of time as I'm working from home.

There is an elderly man (perhaps late 60s) who has been slipping greeting cards through the mail slot on my front door for the last year, at least once a month. The cards are usually blank, though he has left a message and signed his first name with his address and phone number (his address is about 5 minutes walk away). Messages are fairly impersonal - how he likes my shutters and to have a nice day. I know who he is as I’ve seen him out the window walking away from my house after the card was dropped through the mail slot a few times. I generally ignore this. My problem is that he is now looking into my house from the pavement when he is walking by. Although he is elderly and probably harmless or lonely, I am very uncomfortable with this. I value my privacy and although I know a few neighbours, I mostly keep to myself. I do not want to make new local friends in this way.

Am I being unreasonable if I drop a letter through his post (given he gave me his address) ? Could you suggest wording for the message. I was thinking something like this:
“Could you stop sending me cards and looking through my window. I am uncomfortable with this. I’ll raise this with the police if this continues.”
My concern is he may knock on my door to apologise. How do I nicely put in my message that I don’t want to be friends.

There is a mentally ill man in my neighbourhood who "stalks" me by knocking on my door and making noises outside my house at odd times, usually during the early morning hours. This has gone on for years and I have NEVER engaged with him.

At first I was very frightened and called the police. I had several visits by community police who spoke to neighbours. One spoke about "a man who walks around at night" and another hinted at the general area where he lived. So I knew it was not my imagination.

The police advised cctv as they were unable to take action without evidence. so I got cctv. Now I know exactly who he is and where he lives. The problem with a case like this is that the only cure is to section the person concerned. Courts only award a slap across the wrist and the situation can easily escalate. The legal process can take years and is very stressful.

I can go months without hearing from the stalker and then he will be active several times a week for a couple of weeks, then tail off again. I have never even acknowledged his existence, spoken to him, or engaged in any way. Now that I know who he is and where he lives the fear has gone. When I hear him I turn over and go back to sleep.

Its rather like your neighbour having a dog which occasionally barks at night and wakes you. You turn over in bed and think "oh thats only Mrs Jones' dog".

So my stalker has become degraded to the level of a yappy nuisance dog.

The good news is that his house is now up for sale. I hope it sells soon so he can go annoy someone else.

@RapunzelHadExtensions

Oh *@Bluntness100* pipe down. Always trying to go against the grain just for the sake of it, it's boring now.

Well said, I’m glad I’m not the only one who has picked up on this.

You did the right thing OP. It doesn’t matter how old he is, he’s making you feel uncomfortable and uneasy in your own home. Nobody has a right to do that and there’s just no excuse for his behaviour at all.

@MrMucker

I'll be honest, if I were a young woman who lived on a quiet road opposite a park and spent most of my day working in the front room with windows not curtained and not blinded off, I'd be more concerned about all those people staring in at me who I have not even yet spotted. The old man is a red herring. This is because if I were a peeping Tom of the worst sort, I'd seek out a park opposite a house on a secluded edge of it where a young woman works all day long on the ground floor in a room opposite the park without any shutters on the window, and I'd hide behind a tree and do my job. Get some nets fgs. They let in daylight. It's got nothing to do with rights to do what you want as a woman. It's just basic common sense and applies to men and women, young and old. It does not matter about your freedoms, there will be people who take no nets or curtains or blinds as an invitation to look. Because it is.

The real issue is the decision to work on the ground floor on a secluded street opposite a park and think it's a great idea to allow unrestricted vision into their work space by the general public. Even if you get old bloke to back off from his communication, is there some pride to be had in knowing that many others could be looking in for even longer if they hide behind a bush in the park?

Oh yes that’s definitely the real issue here. OP’s decision to work in a nice room in her own house, Absolutely that. Not the guy sending weird cards with his details on and looking through OP’s windows, or any other nosey arsehole who can’t mind their own business.

I also hadn’t realised no nets was ‘an invitation’ to look, I thought that actively asking someone was an invitation, and anything else was just a stranger being nosey

@stamfordhill I think you’re just being provocative to get a response.it’s lame.

No, late 60s is NOT elderly. Elderly is 80+ in my opinion

In your opinion maybe but the definition of elderly is a person over 65

@Beseigedbykillersquirrels

Bloody hell, some of the 'advice' on here! The same old names popping up trying to be as 'controversial' as ever. Change your shutters straight away, cover your windows, buy a camera, write to him politely thanking him for violating your privacy in your own home and requesting that he not make you feel unsafe and watched. Go around to the neighbours during lockdown to ask if they're also being harrassed by a window peeping stranger. Better yet, go to his neck of the woods and ask around the shops there if they know a chap named X who stares through strangers' windows and makes them uncomfortable in their own homes. He might have needs that are not being met, so maybe you could inform social services and get a welfare check on him while you're at it. Pay for all of these ugly and unnecessary house amendments and action it immediately, whilst working from home during lockdown. Or, as OP has said she has already done, pass it over to the professionals who are better equipped to advise on next steps. I hope this stops very swiftly, OP. What a horrible situation to be in when your privacy and home feels violated like this.

This did make me laugh.

Seriously though, it’s ridiculous that women always have to make changes to their behaviour and not the creepy bastards making them uncomfortable. #BeKind at its worst

Some of you are so indoctrinated and conditioned to male inappropriate behaviour That you obfuscate, minimise, and blame women for what men do

@StamfordHill

I can't see what he's actually done wrong. You're both single and he's reaching out to you. Maybe he fancies you - that's not a crime.

Had you told him that you're not interested and he persists, that would be stalking. But as you haven't given any feedback, what crime exactly is he committing by slipping in notes?

As to looking in, I get that it's not pleasant, but that's the price one pays for conducting one's business in front of an uncurtained window. Anybody walking past can look in, and legally there's no difference whether they're simply nosy or pervy.

What a load of victim blaming tosh.

legally there's no difference whether they're simply nosy or pervy.
⬆️I think you’ll find that is incorrect.legally

@Bagelsandbrie

Personally I would go straight to the police. Others might disagree but I think this is harassment and if it was a younger male you wouldn’t hesitate - being older doesn’t make a difference here.

That's what I'd do too. If you respond to him, he may start to think he actually has a relationship with you. Hopefully, a brief word from a copper may nip this in the bud.

Also I don’t get the “what if he has dementia” stuff- so bloody what? Is the OP supposed to let him do whatever he likes no matter how gross or inappropriate it is simply so as not to distress a person with dementia?

Bloody hell. If he DOES have dementia and that is the cause of his actions then clearly he requires more adequate care and protection then doesn’t he so reporting to the police should ensure he gets it before he engages in further disinhibited behaviour that could cause him serious harm/consequences. So EITHER way, reporting to police is only going to help this situation.

Let’s try harassment under PHA @StamfordHill
repeated attempts to impose unwanted communications and contact upon a victim in a manner that could be expected to cause distress or fear in any reasonable person

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. I would also feel a bit creeped out by this behaviour. Also, no body here knows his intentions or his history. He could be capable of anything. He is already being weird and intrusive. Looking through OPs window? That's hardly harmless and normal behaviour. A woman living alone needs to feel safe.

@StamfordHill

I can't see what he's actually done wrong. You're both single and he's reaching out to you. Maybe he fancies you - that's not a crime.

Had you told him that you're not interested and he persists, that would be stalking. But as you haven't given any feedback, what crime exactly is he committing by slipping in notes?

As to looking in, I get that it's not pleasant, but that's the price one pays for conducting one's business in front of an uncurtained window. Anybody walking past can look in, and legally there's no difference whether they're simply nosy or pervy.

With the exception of the last sentence, I rather agree. If the messages were more personal or sexual there would be a case for stalking and harassment, but as matters stand it doesn't meet the legal criteria.

There is of course a difference legally between being nosy and pervy, but on what you've said it seems to fall short of pervy.

@HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee

Let’s try harassment under PHA *@StamfordHill* repeated attempts to impose unwanted communications and contact upon a victim in a manner that could be expected to cause distress or fear in any reasonable person

Yep! They brought in those anti stalking laws after multiple women were “harmlessly stalked”, many people told them they were being ridiculous and overreacting until the day they were murdered.

Shame it took multiple women being murdered for stalking/ repeated and unwanted attention be taken seriously as a criminal offence.

The insidious victim blaming on this thread is appalling
Well, if you will work on ground floor in clear view,what do you expect

Own fault for not taking steps to conceal or obscure yourself from view..buy nets

Don’t reside in a park facing property, what do you expect

These deeply held ingrained bias that women must have invited or incited attention are replicated in juries for sexual offences and it’s a battle to challenge such deeply held bias

@MrMucker
The real issue is the decision to work on the ground floor on a secluded street opposite a park and think it's a great idea to allow unrestricted vision into their work space by the general public
The real issue is that no matter what the circumstances, what women are wearing, what time they are walking down the street that are always fucking asking for it. Even getting on with her job in her own home she’s asking it, it is never the man. Let’s not upset the men. Get a fucking grip.

@StamfordHill

• I can't see what he's actually done wrong. You're both single and he's reaching out to you. Maybe he fancies you - that's not a crime.

Had you told him that you're not interested and he persists, that would be stalking. But as you haven't given any feedback, what crime exactly is he committing by slipping in notes? *

One note would be reaching out, continuing is harassing. She hasn’t responded, he posted it through her door so she definitely got it and chose not to respond, that is the point he should have stopped. I’m sure everyone here has been in the position in a bar where a man tries chatting you up and you tell them you aren’t interested and they flip and start calling you names. We don’t owe men conversation or to facilitate their needs, if we aren’t interested that is the end of the story.

What the fuck are we teaching little girls if a bunch of adult women cannot see the problem with a man intimidating a woman being a problem. Why are we trying to justify him. No matter what his needs are should not be OPs problem, she his not his carer, he is not her master. I feel like we are going backwards, next week we will be telling little girls to take the sweets off the stranger and get in the back of their van because we don’t want to hurt their feelings.

It doesn’t matter whether this man in his late 60s could be called elderly, he’s certainly old enough to know better.

It’s one thing to casually glance into a window as you walk by; it’s very different looking in through some shutters. Even if the louvres are horizontal, it means something between 12 to 15 slats roughly 5 cm apart. You really can’t see much unless you are deliberately peering in.

There is no need for net curtains or obscuring film. There is every need for this man to stop behaving in this way towards a woman.

The OP has done the right thing in talking to the police about this unwanted behaviour. It is harassment, and sleazy.

And it’s very important to note that the local police can’t do the job of local policing unless they have some idea of what’s actually going on in their patch.

(That's the polite version. What I really wanted to say started off with "Oh, for fuck's sake" and would only have got worse. What is it with people who'd rather imagine all sorts of excuses for a man's sleazy behaviour, rather than supporting the woman who's on the receiving end of it?)

If the messages were more personal or sexual there would be a case for stalking and harassment, but as matters stand it doesn't meet the legal criteria.

You read it wrong

repeated attempts to impose unwanted communications and contact upon a victim in a manner that could be expected to cause distress or fear in any reasonable person

All communication from him is unwanted, standing watching and sending notes is causing OP, a seemingly reasonable person distress. It doesn’t have to be sexual. My friend has a non-molestation order against someone, at no point was any of the contact sexual.

Unsure33

You could get film for the window that looks like a mirror from the outside but you can still see out ?“

So it’s OP’s responsibility to hide herself from a potential fruitcake?

She has plantation blinds but wants a bit of daylight during the day. It is NOT NORMAL to peer through a stranger’s windows and repeatedly put unwanted cards through their letterbox,

The real issue is the decision to work on the ground floor on a secluded street opposite a park and think it's a great idea to allow unrestricted vision into their work space by the general public.

What the fuck is this shit? Some people really will say anything for attention won’t they?

I see posters on mn aghast at low conviction rates for rape or sexual assault

This thread quickly typified bias and prejudice that somehow women have done something to invite male attention.

Well she’s in full view
She’s unobscured
What does she expect

Or women failed to do something to maintain their safety,so their inaction and complacency caused this
Did not put up nets
Did not put up opaque film
Did not move to another unobserved location

And insidiously, the male inappropriate behaviour shifts to the female Inaction or incitement

Fuck’s sake, the handmaidens on this thread. Blessed be the senders of cards and peepers in the windows.

OP, you’re right to report. He might be bad, he might be ill. It doesn’t matter, his behaviour is making you feel unsafe in your own home. You should be able to live in peace and privacy there. I hope the authorities will take appropriate action.