Elderly male looking through my window.

[LilOnline]

My building is on ta quiet pavement with very little foot traffic, with the living room windows overlooking the pavement (and a nice park across the quiet road). I am on the ground floor and have plantation shutters in the living room. I have the shutter louvers open during the day as its the only source of light for the room. I am a single female and I live alone. This is my main living area and I am in that room the majority of time as I'm working from home.

There is an elderly man (perhaps late 60s) who has been slipping greeting cards through the mail slot on my front door for the last year, at least once a month. The cards are usually blank, though he has left a message and signed his first name with his address and phone number (his address is about 5 minutes walk away). Messages are fairly impersonal - how he likes my shutters and to have a nice day. I know who he is as I’ve seen him out the window walking away from my house after the card was dropped through the mail slot a few times. I generally ignore this. My problem is that he is now looking into my house from the pavement when he is walking by. Although he is elderly and probably harmless or lonely, I am very uncomfortable with this. I value my privacy and although I know a few neighbours, I mostly keep to myself. I do not want to make new local friends in this way.

Am I being unreasonable if I drop a letter through his post (given he gave me his address) ? Could you suggest wording for the message. I was thinking something like this:
“Could you stop sending me cards and looking through my window. I am uncomfortable with this. I’ll raise this with the police if this continues.”
My concern is he may knock on my door to apologise. How do I nicely put in my message that I don’t want to be friends.

He might be mentally unwell, have dementia, learning disability, autism, haemorrhoids or asthma, it's all totally irrelevant. He's being inappropriate and he needs to stop. I would mention to police.

I'm not a fan of net curtains but I'm even less a fan of losing my privacy. If I was overlooked I'd definitely have some sort of blinds of something so people couldn't see in - it's probably impossible for people not to see if they're walking past or live opposite uncovered windows, even if they try not to!

You could get film for the window that looks like a mirror from the outside but you can still see out ?

It’s not the op role to make neighbourhood inquiries about his well-being,or motives
Nor does op need to be polite,nice,enquiring,or write to him
Whatever the reason His behaviour is inappropriate He has caused her fear and alarm

Women need not be advising other women to be polite or passive or acquiesce to the inappropriate behaviour of a stranger.
Op doesn’t need to modify her physical environment with net curtain, opaque film or whatever, that’s advising her to instigate change when it’s the man who’s on the wrong. Op doesn’t need to moderate her behaviour as she’s done nothing wrong. Nor does she need to alter her environment as she’s not invited his unwarranted attentions

Women are socialised and conditioned to be nice,polite,meek don’t make waves,and by Christ some of the responses on this thread show that. It’s appalling and indicative of a deeply ingrained conditioning that favours males and minimises their actions

@HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee really well put.

@printmeanicephoto

If it was me I'd assume he probably had learning difficulties/dimentia and would be making discreet enquiries with people who live near him (ie in local shop) to check on his mental capacities etc before I resorted to calling the police, but maybe that's just me.

The OP should totally act as this creepy man's unpaid social worker, of course she should. I mean, she probably has nothing better to do with her time.

If a man followed you along the street, would you start knocking on doors to see if people knew him and enquiring discretely about him?

Bloody hell.

Thank you,I’m incensed at the casual minimisation of his inappropriate behaviour
Net curtains
Opaque film
Advising op she’s responsible for making adaptations to try moderate his inappropriate behaviour

How old are you? I assume you're quite a bit younger? It doesn't matter if he's elderly. He knows full well not to do this (unless he's genuinely losing his faculties). Even then, I doubt he would do this if you had a male partner.

The bullshit that women experience!

@HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee

It’s not the op role to make neighbourhood inquiries about his well-being,or motives Nor does op need to be polite,nice,enquiring,or write to him Whatever the reason His behaviour is inappropriate He has caused her fear and alarm

Women need not be advising other women to be polite or passive or acquiesce to the inappropriate behaviour of a stranger.
Op doesn’t need to modify her physical environment with net curtain, opaque film or whatever, that’s advising her to instigate change when it’s the man who’s on the wrong. Op doesn’t need to moderate her behaviour as she’s done nothing wrong. Nor does she need to alter her environment as she’s not invited his unwarranted attentions

Women are socialised and conditioned to be nice,polite,meek don’t make waves,and by Christ some of the responses on this thread show that. It’s appalling and indicative of a deeply ingrained conditioning that favours males and minimises their actions

Absolutely this!

People with ground floor windows will tell you that people walking past always look in if they don't draw curtains or have nets or something, it's just human nature. I suspect the most the police will do is have a word with him and tell him to back off, but if that does the trick, fine.

He’s not elderly
And you don’t need to modify your behaviour as you have done nothing wrong
Either confront him and tell him to get lost, or report him to the Police

Despairing at the suggestions that the OP does some "sleuthing" by asking various neighbours about it. Would you tell your daughters that? To ask other people to validate her concerns before doing anything?

Bloody hell, some of the 'advice' on here! The same old names popping up trying to be as 'controversial' as ever. Change your shutters straight away, cover your windows, buy a camera, write to him politely thanking him for violating your privacy in your own home and requesting that he not make you feel unsafe and watched. Go around to the neighbours during lockdown to ask if they're also being harrassed by a window peeping stranger. Better yet, go to his neck of the woods and ask around the shops there if they know a chap named X who stares through strangers' windows and makes them uncomfortable in their own homes. He might have needs that are not being met, so maybe you could inform social services and get a welfare check on him while you're at it. Pay for all of these ugly and unnecessary house amendments and action it immediately, whilst working from home during lockdown. Or, as OP has said she has already done, pass it over to the professionals who are better equipped to advise on next steps.
I hope this stops very swiftly, OP. What a horrible situation to be in when your privacy and home feels violated like this.

I have a house ground and upper floors ,with shutters, people don’t linger or post me letters
Casual glance in,yes occasionally
This is a habitual and repeated behaviour he has also initiated contact this isn’t someone strolling by having a wee nosy in the window and moving on. It is purposeful act and appears to have meaning for the perpetrator

People need to read carefully and stop normalising and minimising inappropriate behaviour

I suspect the most the police will do is have a word with him and tell him to back off depends who he is, what’s on pnc, is he known to statutory agencies eg local authority or MH team. Is there other collateral information

[quote littlepattilou]@LilOnline

Glad to see you have passed this to the police. This is hugely weird and inappropriate. In HIS head, what he's doing is romantic and lovely. In reality, it's as creepy as fuck. Puts me in mind of a man I know (mid 50s,) who sees himself as a bit of a ladies man; (funny, charming, and a wow with the 'laydeez...')

He tries to engage in conversation with every women he meets, even those as young as 18-20, and sees himself as a 'ladies man' because they (according to him) smile and giggle and respond to his chatting and engaging with them.

In reality, 9 out of 10 of these women are being sick into their mouth(s) (when this man tries to be their 'friend,' and tries to be 'funny,') and are looking for the quickest route away from him.

It's off-the-scale cringeworthy, and everyone who knows him is embarrassed for him, and feels sorry for his wife...

Also late 60s IS elderly!

Why are people saying it isn't?

There are so many people offended by this over this past few weeks. How bizarre.

I can only surmise that it's people who are in their 60s themselves, and are miffed at someone saying that age is elderly!

It is elderly. So what? What's wrong with being elderly?

There are so many posters on here who are really precious about this, honestly! It's sad really........ Some people are denied the privilege of aging![/quote]
No, late 60s is NOT elderly. Elderly is 80+ in my opinion.

I’m in my 30s. 🤷‍♀️

"Are there a lot of elderly posters on mumsnet now who were born in an era, a long, long time ago, when women were expected to be "nice" to creepy men or something?"

In my day, they were called "dirty old men" and heaven help them if the older relatives of the young woman got involved! I well remember my mother's angrily contemptuous take-down of one that was hassling me.

This "be nice to them, try to solve their problems" stuff is quite a new and, imo dangerous, thing.

Going off at a tangent about age is so missing the point

Are those shutter things really called plantation shutters? That feels a bit problematic?

@Bagelsandbrie

Personally I would go straight to the police. Others might disagree but I think this is harassment and if it was a younger male you wouldn’t hesitate - being older doesn’t make a difference here.

I agree. Who gives a fuck if he’s older? It doesn’t make him automatically harmless or nice. He’s harassing you and making you feel unsafe. Report him, it’s very obvious he is some kind of perv. Decent men don’t stare through windows or stalk people by posting incessant cards.

@Tanith

"Are there a lot of elderly posters on mumsnet now who were born in an era, a long, long time ago, when women were expected to be "nice" to creepy men or something?"

In my day, they were called "dirty old men" and heaven help them if the older relatives of the young woman got involved! I well remember my mother's angrily contemptuous take-down of one that was hassling me.

This "be nice to them, try to solve their problems" stuff is quite a new and, imo dangerous, thing.

I agree. I’m sick and tired of perverts being excused because they’re old. It’s unacceptable no matter what the age and it doesn’t make it harmless over the age of 60. It’s gross and they should know better.

I used to have a make neighbour in his 80s who would try to stare through my bedroom window constantly. He’d also take delivery of my parcels when I was out and when my husband went round to collect them he wouldn’t answer the door. He’d only answer when I went round to ask for them and then he’d comment on outfits I’d worn that he’d liked the day before. It made my skin crawl and it doesn’t matter that he was old- he knew exactly what he was doing and it was revolting.

Male neighbour that should be

Oh god shivers let us know how you get on OP. You shouldn’t be the one changing your behaviour!

The real issue is the decision to work on the ground floor on a secluded street opposite a park and think it's a great idea to allow unrestricted vision into their work space by the general public

No.No,No you’re directly saying op has brought this on herself by working at home on ground floor . Women can and should have autonomy and choice where they chose to work without being Told off for inciting and inviting inappropriate behaviour

His purposeful and habitual behaviour That’s the real issue.

Jesus Christ,you’re making someone else inappropriate behaviour the op problem,because of the location of her house.

@SocialistSloth - that's just shocking and sounds like the police really let you down there. The dirty creep probably just moved on to another garden or worse behaviour.