Elderly male looking through my window.

[LilOnline]

My building is on ta quiet pavement with very little foot traffic, with the living room windows overlooking the pavement (and a nice park across the quiet road). I am on the ground floor and have plantation shutters in the living room. I have the shutter louvers open during the day as its the only source of light for the room. I am a single female and I live alone. This is my main living area and I am in that room the majority of time as I'm working from home.

There is an elderly man (perhaps late 60s) who has been slipping greeting cards through the mail slot on my front door for the last year, at least once a month. The cards are usually blank, though he has left a message and signed his first name with his address and phone number (his address is about 5 minutes walk away). Messages are fairly impersonal - how he likes my shutters and to have a nice day. I know who he is as I’ve seen him out the window walking away from my house after the card was dropped through the mail slot a few times. I generally ignore this. My problem is that he is now looking into my house from the pavement when he is walking by. Although he is elderly and probably harmless or lonely, I am very uncomfortable with this. I value my privacy and although I know a few neighbours, I mostly keep to myself. I do not want to make new local friends in this way.

Am I being unreasonable if I drop a letter through his post (given he gave me his address) ? Could you suggest wording for the message. I was thinking something like this:
“Could you stop sending me cards and looking through my window. I am uncomfortable with this. I’ll raise this with the police if this continues.”
My concern is he may knock on my door to apologise. How do I nicely put in my message that I don’t want to be friends.

www.suzylamplugh.org/

Thus organisation may be worth contacting.

I remember in the 90s i was early 20s working in a pub and a couple of elderly, kindly gentlemen coming in every Thursday for lunch. We would make a bit of a fuss of them as it was predominantly a young persons drinking bar. One Thursday when they new i was on my own tgey started making suggestions we shoukd all head off to a hotel for the afternoon. Immediately my guard went up they waited till everyone had gone and started saying we didn't nedd a hotel i could entertain them there. Dirty horrible old gits. I pointed to the CCTV while grabbing a glass ashtray ready to hit them with. They still came in the following week but them started being nasty.
There are no age limits to creeps and perverts. God the number of times as carer i have been groped by elderly infirm men. They're the ones who know no boundaries.
Do not engage with this man OP and make sure you log everything. If it doesn't feel harmless to you it isn't.
People making excuses for his behaviour - he may be lonely. Doesn't give him the right to be a peeping Tom.

I remember when my youngest dd turned 16 and on the train this man kept making a beeline for her. he rubbed her legs when she couldn't move. She said to me this paedo keeps harassing me on the train. I said uour 16 now he's not a paedo he's just a fu*** pervert get used to it. I did get on the train at the same time as her the next day. He went to corner her and i gave him a swift knee to the groin telling him to leave her alone.
I have a list of incidents that i or my daughters have been subjected to by such harmless creeps over the years - lucky escapes. One good thing about ageing the perverts leave you alone.
I can't believe there are people on here defending this man's actions.

@BigRedBoat

To the people saying he might be friendly, or might be romantically interested in the OP - do you make friends by repeatedly posting cards through strangers doors and staring at them through the window? Do any of your friends and family behave like that? I highly doubt it.

The cause behind his weird behaviour (and it is weird to repeatedly stare into a house blinds/shutters/nets or not) isn't for the OP to identify, it doesn't really matter if he has dementia or is just a creep , his behaviour is not acceptable.

Right on! Have these people never watched one hour photo? Or read The Last Girl. Older doesnt mean harmless. it is possible he has form for doing this over years. There are plenty of older predators out there. Get help from the stalking services immediately.

[quote littlepattilou]@AuntieMarysCanary

65 is not elderly.

Many men and women are still working at that age including some of the world's PMs.

Yes it IS.

Just because people are still working past 65, that doesn't change the fact 65 is ELDERLY.

@Christinaismyperson

I think you might be confusing ‘elderly’ with ‘infirm’ or ‘frail’ the word elderly doesn’t mean those things. It means a person over 65. People are attaching negative stereotypes to the word elderly, which is actually very offensive.

This ^

I find the denial of the fact that people 65 (and older) are elderly, so bizarre!

Probably the same people who think the world is flat, the 21st century began on 1st Jan 2001, and there are 13 months in a year (because there's 4 weeks in a month according to them!)

Weird denial. No matter how much proof you show them, they still deny it.

@lakielady

If 65 is elderly, why have I got to wait until I'm 66 to get my pension?

Hmmm, maybe the term 'elderly' SHOULD be changed to when people are 70 (as some people have to work now til 66, 67, 68...) But right now, it is definitely 65!!![/quote]
@littlepattilou

65 is NOT elderly.

The state pension age is now 67.

People of 65 now are as active as many 50 year olds were decades ago. They run marathons, (DH does 5k most days and swings a 16K kettlebell. People think he's 50.)

It's your opinion only that 65 is elderly.
It's not borne out by employment for instance.

Your perception of age is skewed, my love.

@littlepattilou exactly! It's depressing how many people are suggesting that the OP play nice and indulge the guy. Even given the number of people who have described being assaulted or harassed by older men. It happened to me when I was in my twenties in an office. Everyone else thought he was a lovely old fella.

And yes of course if we don't smile on demand we're cunts or bitches, sigh...

No, the world is not flat but the 21st century did start on 1st January 2001!

Gee we certainly got the 'thou shant ever bother the emergency services' brigade on here. Bet they are the same ones who berate someone who posts wondering if they were right to call an ambulance or go to A&E.
They'll probably berate someone for calling the fire brigade as it was only their kitchen that was on fire ,not the whole world or something.

Contacting the police in situations like this, where even if you want to debate whether the person has actually done something wrong or not, can be the difference in them joining up the dots or not on some other cases. OP feels intimidated by his behaviour and actions and it is over a prolonged period of time - not a one off card but multiple.
One card could be viewed as a nice gesture or even an error of judgement - multiple is inappropriate and wrong.
He may be well known to them and they may just be waiting for the one final event/complaint to give them what they need to pull him in.
Have we learned nothing over the years from all these various rapists and abusers and murderers who were known to be up to something by many people but had not come to enough police attention for them to be stopped sooner because they were not being reported?

As for the looking in the window - well that is par for the course if you are on a pavement & ground floor without screening of some form. But there is a difference between having a glance in someone's window as you walk past (seeing if they've got their xmas tree up yet kind of thing) and there is inappropriate looking/staring to see if someone is there/what they are doing etc. Both may on the face of it seem similar (and be described similarly) but one is appropriate and the other is not.

He may be mad, or bad, or ill, or neurologically diverse, or socially inept or even just not thinking but either way it has made the OP uncomfortable and concerned & to most people his behaviour would be seen as inappropriate and concerning. It is not the OPs job to jump through hoops and track down his history/his family/social services or even to put herself potentially in danger by engaging with him. The police will deal with all that.
You were very right to contact the police and more people should do so when things just don't seem right.

You must not engage with him, by letter or any other way.

This must be logged with the police, please do this right away and without delay. He is not old and I think he knows exactly what he’s doing, it’s because your a lone female that it’s gone on this long. Act straight away.

OP, did the police give you any advice when you spoke to them?

Late 60s CAN be elderly, vulnerable, lonely. Doesn't have to be creepy and a danger. There's a whole host of possible scenarios, learning disabilities, dementia, ASD, loneliness just to name a few.
It sounds as though he's attempted to build a friendship etc and understandably the op is concerned and unnerved.
I am glad you have logged it with the police, but I don't think that the assumption has to necessarily be that he's a weirdo or some axe murderer or deviant.

Lockdown is hard. This man obviously started with his mail during this pandemic. He'd hardly be a master criminal giving his address!

I totally agree with others, do not engage with this man, in any way. If it continues let the police know. You do not have to escalate it to an actual complaint, just let the police know you are concerned about it. (It's then on record) You can get "mirrored" window covering to prevent anybody from looking in your windows, which I would use anyway.
Good luck, I hope this matter goes away soon. It's horrible to feel uncomfortable in your own home.

"Elderly" may just mean "older" but obviously has connotations of infirmity, so best not to use it within the hearing of older people who consider themselves fighting fit and well or you will cause offence. Just say "older".

It also doesn't matter if he has dementia or health difficulties or is lonely. That's not the op's problem. No one has to put up with behaviour like this no matter what's causing it.
The simplest explanation is that he's an old creep who's pulled stunts like this before and the sort of posters who are telling op to be nice just put up with it.

I'm getting really frustrated by the posters who are suggesting that the OP should do one of the following:

• Sit with her shutters closed

• Get net curtains

- get film to apply to her windows that make it difficult for anyone to see in

• get blinds
• move to a different room in her house to work so that when this creepy bloke looks in her window she isn't 'there'.

or any flavour of the above. The OP is not the problem here. She has shutters on her windows and doesn't need to do any more to her windows (except perhaps to put up a sign saying "STOP LOOKING IN MY WINDOWS!!!!" when creepy man is on his daily/weekly walk and thinks that looking in someone's windows is an acceptable thing to do.

The creepy bloke sending her cards, looking in her windows while she works is the problem.
He needs dealing with and by contacting the authorities, the relevant people can step in and deal with him.

It's Mumsnet so he must be a Rapist or murderer !! Maybe send him a card asking him to kindly stop with the cards otherwise you will take it further rather than rushing to the police? He might be mortified to receive this and stop immediately. If he doesn't of course you should report him.

Maybe if the women who told Fred West to piss off had sent him a card instead he'd have seen the error of his ways.
Ffs. Creepy men getting such a free pass on here.

@HeidiHaughton so now he's Fred West ?!!!

He's a creep whatever his name is. Men like this push and push to see what they'll get away with.
Sending him a card? When he's behaving like this?

@MotherExtraordinaire

Late 60s CAN be elderly, vulnerable, lonely. Doesn't have to be creepy and a danger. There's a whole host of possible scenarios, learning disabilities, dementia, ASD, loneliness just to name a few. It sounds as though he's attempted to build a friendship etc and understandably the op is concerned and unnerved. I am glad you have logged it with the police, but I don't think that the assumption has to necessarily be that he's a weirdo or some axe murderer or deviant.

Lockdown is hard. This man obviously started with his mail during this pandemic. He'd hardly be a master criminal giving his address!

This man will have gone through life starting out as young, forming relationships, watching TV programmes and learning an awful lot of lessons about how to behave in his sixty plus years. You don't seriously believe that he didn't become aware at some point that sending unanswered cards through someone's door on a regular basis is acceptable? That it isn't a form of stalking?

Men don't metamorphose from creeps to harmless old men overnight in their sixties. The sheer gullibility of sone posters on this thread is concerning. It's always young women this sort of man target. There is a reason fir that. They Labour under the unrealistic notion that, entirely one-sidedly, they are flirting with them and this notion can progress to attempts to make contact in person, which can be dangerous.

He is refusing to follow acceptable social norms by making reirated contact that isn't reciprocated. He will know this. Its potentially a sign that he may do worse, and the risk is exacerbated by him knowing where the OP lives and that she lives alone.

And you really need this pointed out to you?

Interested to hear the outcome of this. Very disturbing for OP. Wonder what the police will do, hopefully it will put an end to it.

This is as creepy as sin. More worryingly, his behaviour is gradually escalating. The splitting of hairs respecting his age is aside from the point.

First, inform the police. Unfortunately I think they're unlikely to act in the first instance because stalking (and this is stalking) still isn't taken as seriously as it should be. If you're lucky they might warn him off. If they recommend a 'cease and desist' letter this should come from a solicitor and not from you. But the most important reason for doing this is that it sets up a paper trail.

Secondly, do not engage. On any level. Do so and you've taught the stalker that escalating his behaviour over a period of time will achieve what he wants, and what he wants is to illicit a response from you. It doesn't matter whether it's a positive or negative response, it's the response they want. A stalker is trying to make his presence felt.

Thirdly, keep hold of the evidence and log every single incident. This again provides a paper trail should you need to escalate any action.

Lastly, most importantly, ignore the misguided posters on this thread telling you to humour this creep or resorting to saying 'he must be a rapist or a murderer!' He could be. Or most likely he's likely not. Either way it makes no odds because a) men are statistically a risk to women and no one should be expected to take this risk, b) he's indulging in what he knows fine well is unwanted contact and has zero right to do anything of the sort, c) he's insinuating himself into your life and making his presence felt, which is intrusive and not okay. He is stalking you. This is a crime. You don't have to wait for anyone to pose a physical threat. His presence bothers you. That's enough. And I've had (unenviable) experience of this horrible behaviour on two occasions in my life, so I know what I'm talking about.

Listen to your instincts on all occasions. I recommend reading Gavin de Becker's The Gift of Fear.

Hope you manage to nip this in the bud.

PS. Just seen the update and am very glad you've reported this OP. This needs to be stopped.

Late 60’s isn’t elderly??? Bloody hell some folk have no concept of age. Late 60’s is elderly ffs.

Hope you’re ok OP.

@Sarahrellyboo1987

He’s perfectly entitled to look in from the pavement. If you don’t want people to look in it’s your responsibility to cover your windows. The police will do nothing about it as he’s doing nothing wrong and a few kind letters is hardly harassment or anything

I think it’s lovely he’s been dropping little notes off. Maybe he is incredibly lonely, lost loved ones etc.

What. The. Actual. FUCK.

Some serious issues here

Worrying behaviour. Do not engage at all. Seriously just because he's older does not mean he's harmless, lonely etc etc. You have no idea of this man's past history. I'm not suggesting there's anything to be afraid of but you still do not know. Glad you reported it OP, keep a log and if it keeps happening, keep reporting it every single time.