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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

sorry it's a MIL one..

148 replies

cherriesx3 · 07/02/2021 10:51

not sure why I'm setting myself up for a flaming on a sunday morning when I've not had much sleep but here goes!

I'm starting to feel, perhaps illogically, irritated by the way my MIL is with my son. she rings us every day, usually at dinner time when we are trying to feed him and gets irritated if my partner points this out. my partner will say can you call tomorrow mum at an earlier time and she gets really irritated "no, I want to see my baby". then other times, I am doing his night time routine, have turned all lights down low just about to read a story and ready for bed, face timing again. "son is going to bed mum" response is "where is my baby? I want to see my baby".

I dont know if it is referring to him as "my baby" that I'm finding irritating, the constant face timing at inconvenient times and then being demanding when essentially told it isnt a good time or the fact my partner gives in that is the problem. she also has this big thing about being the favourite grandparent. so if she knows my mum has seen him (before lockdown of course) or if my partner mentions in group chat "thanks cherries mum for little ones toy you got him" the next day she will door stop drop a present and ask partner to put it on social media of him playing with it.

I'm finding it all quite over the top. my one is her 5th grandchild so its not the first time. its lovely in a way because of course my son has someone who obviously adores him but I'm finding it a bit much! not sure that I can really do anything about it or if I'm just having a bit of a rant but we have already had a facetime this morning during breakfast and it's just made me feel irritated. 4 hours of broken sleep probably doesnt help!

OP posts:

Ohalrightthen · 07/02/2021 10:54

Put your phone on mute in another room, don't pick up, and when she asks why tell her you've stopped using your phone around your kid, to set a good example. Schedule a convenient time for a call 2 or 3 times a week.

Boundaries are your friend here. Build them strong and stick to them like glue.

CrystalMaisie · 07/02/2021 10:55

Stop answering the phone to her when it’s inconvenient.

EggBobbin · 07/02/2021 10:57

Yeah I’d tell her routine is so important at this she so can we schedule in a FaceTime every other day at 5pm to be sure he’s alert for gran

Original poster

cherriesx3 · 07/02/2021 10:57

its not me she calls it's my partner...I'm not sure why he answers either, his dad is not around anymore (his mum has a partner, just want to point out it's not a loneliness issue) so not sure if he is worried about upsetting her

OP posts:

Godimabitch · 07/02/2021 10:58

Just stop answering unless its convenient for you.
The "my baby" thing would really get my hackles up too.

Oneborneverydecade · 07/02/2021 10:58

I think if my husband passed me the phone during the bedtime scenario you've described I'd 'accidentally' put the phone down. Repeatedly until she got the message.
What does he say when she asks for videos to be posted on SM? My DH would be furious if he thought our DC were being used for bragging rights

BaggoMcoys · 07/02/2021 10:58

Could you and your dp come up with a more convenient time for facetime calls, and begin calling mil at those times so she has a chance to see the baby at a time more suitable for you? And whenever she facetimes at bedtime you can just ignore it.

My pils did the "my baby" thing and it irked me, but I just ignored it and let them. It's annoying, but not a massive deal really.

Summersun2020 · 07/02/2021 10:58

I see how this is a bit irritating but you’re creating the situation yourself by answering the calls. Just ignore it? It’s actually sweet she adores your son so much, especially as it’s her fifth grandchild! Don’t let these little annoyances fester op.

Cattitudes · 07/02/2021 10:58

I agree get dh to ring her at set times (even if you don't tell her that is what you are doing). If she rings at other times and it is convenient then great if not then just say 'oh missed your call, he is now asleep but you saw him yesterday/ will see him tomorrow.' Dh needs to get firm with her.

Merryoldgoat · 07/02/2021 10:59

Can you not just reject the calls when she calls at a bad time?

Santaiscovidfree · 07/02/2021 11:00

Well when she asked for her baby give the phone back to dh and make him babble....

Conkergame · 07/02/2021 11:00

Schedule in calls for when they work for you. Don’t answer the phone while feeding your son / putting him to bed. Why are your phones not on silent then? Surely it’s distracting for your son if the phone is ringing and people are paying attention to that instead of to him?

Oh and don’t message your mum on a group chat, do it privately.

Justmuddlingalong · 07/02/2021 11:00

Phone her at a time that suits you. Perhaps not every day, as I think that's a bit much. But if you take the lead and then ignore the phone if she calls later, she can't complain about not seeing "her baby."

AlwaysCheddar · 07/02/2021 11:02

Just stop answering. She will soon get the message.

Godimabitch · 07/02/2021 11:02

Ah crosspost.
What does DH do? Does he interrupt to show her your baby or does he tell her you're busy and not show her baby.

He should be doing the second one if he insists on answering and you just switch off to it and carry on with what you're doing.

If he's disturbing what you're doing or what he's doing with the baby then start telling him "DH will you get the phone out, I'm trying to put my baby to sleep." "DH put the phone away and feed your baby." When he says "oh but mummy rang" tell him tough, you're busy, she'll have to call back another time.

Original poster

cherriesx3 · 07/02/2021 11:02

if it was me she was face timing I wouldnt answer if not convenient but my partner has no backbone when it comes to things like this. he doesnt really see it as an issue and thinks its sweet, even amusing that she shares dinner times with us on facetime. even after he has said mum were eating dinner, its almost like a oh go on then, when she comes out with the wheres my baby line and I want to see my baby. don't think he would find it sweet if it was my parents though..

I find it a bit suffocating tbh. and whoever said about bragging rights has summed up better than me about the toys and social media posts and wanting to be the favourite. that's exactly what it feels like.

OP posts:

FishWithoutABike · 07/02/2021 11:02

Just think about all the advantages you will get from her over investedness. Drop in to conversation how much your mother is looking forward to having the baby over night (when lockdown allows) and when she demands to be first give her the baby and have a good nights sleep/night out. There are worse things than lots of people loving your baby. Just tell your partner not to answer when it’s inconvenient.

Yesmate · 07/02/2021 11:03

Tell DP not to answer the phone if it’s inconvenient 🤷🏻‍♀️

FFSAllTheGoodOnesArereadyTaken · 07/02/2021 11:04

You need to tell your partner to either not answer or tell her she isnt seeing the baby. Getting the baby excited to see grandma just before bedtime isnt the best thing for the baby, he is putting his mums demands above the best thing for his child and the best thing for his wife. Why should she dictate changes to the baby's routine just because it suits her??

Also start a new group chat with your family and a separate one with his family and cur down on the amount of info you give her about what your family are doing or how often you see them or whatever, the less info she has, the less chance she will have to turn if into a competition.

Yanbu to be annoyed but I think I'd be equally annoyed with your husband. She is calling him but he is choosing to answer

TulipsTwoLips · 07/02/2021 11:07

Definitely no to a group chat! One grandparent doesn't need to know what the other is doing. It just sets someone up to be upset, whether rightly or wrongly.

MeanyJoany · 07/02/2021 11:09

Firstly set up a different group chat, your family and his, there is no reason for them to be combined nd it's only going to encourage the competitiveness on her side.

Tell him next time he answers a face time you and your ds are leaving the room to eat. And actually do it. Be rude, they have no problem doing whatever they like so you do to?

*where's my baby?" Just say "you are talking to your baby, my baby is trying to get to sleep"

Like she sounds super annoying, but it doesn't seem malicious, more needy and attention seeking but the thing with that is you need to stamp it out because not saying anything to someone like that is basically telling them it's ok, it will drive you mad and when eventually you do say it she'll be all shocked so say it now before it drives you mad

saraclara · 07/02/2021 11:10

Come on now. Just sit your husband down and tell him that you are not prepared to have your privacy invaded this way. I would NOT want to be watched while I was interacting with my baby at meal times and bedtimes.

You say he's asked her in the past to call at different times, so he's not entirely spineless. So tell him that you don't want him to answer his phone at mealtimes or bedtimes. It might not be an issue for him, but it is for you. And he needs to understand that.

Justmuddlingalong · 07/02/2021 11:10

If your DP won't tell her it's inconvenient and interrupts whatever your doing to involve her in what's going on, leave the room, either with the baby or on your own. Just turn on your heel and let DP get on with dealing with the baby and his DM's call. You've asked him not to disrupt things, which he's ignoring. So don't engage by showing him how annoying you find it.

JumperooSue · 07/02/2021 11:11

God FaceTiming with a child is stressful. My MIL asks to FaceTime maybe once a week or so, so absolutely fine. But all she does is screech my daughters name who at 13 months old has no idea what’s going on, she insists we put the front camera on so my daughter can see her too but it always descends into chaos. After 10 minutes of her just shouting my daughters name, my daughter then decides she wants to hold the phone herself, and has a melt down over it. I get it’s hard and they want to see the children but face time is just unnecessarily stressful with a child that she that doesn’t have a clue.

Original poster

cherriesx3 · 07/02/2021 11:15

@JumperooSue yep! my son is 15 months old and its hello my babbbbbbbyyyy! what you doing! you smiling at your nana, what you eating there my little champion! and it goes on and on, and then my son is distracted whilst not actually understand what MIL is saying and not interested in eating. and I have this most days! nd the days it's not dinner time its breakfast or settling down time. my MIL is not horrible but its just too over the top for me. of course its lovely to have people who adore your children but I think it's the fact I get totally over ruled if you like and I think that's why the "my baby" comments piss me off even more. like no he is my baby! and we are eating dinner!

I tried once to say this and was completely shouted over, "where is my little baby!" nd I rolled my eyes at my partner, he mouthed at me "it's fine, she won't be long". it is just too much

OP posts:

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