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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

sorry it's a MIL one..

148 replies

cherriesx3 · 07/02/2021 10:51

not sure why I'm setting myself up for a flaming on a sunday morning when I've not had much sleep but here goes!

I'm starting to feel, perhaps illogically, irritated by the way my MIL is with my son. she rings us every day, usually at dinner time when we are trying to feed him and gets irritated if my partner points this out. my partner will say can you call tomorrow mum at an earlier time and she gets really irritated "no, I want to see my baby". then other times, I am doing his night time routine, have turned all lights down low just about to read a story and ready for bed, face timing again. "son is going to bed mum" response is "where is my baby? I want to see my baby".

I dont know if it is referring to him as "my baby" that I'm finding irritating, the constant face timing at inconvenient times and then being demanding when essentially told it isnt a good time or the fact my partner gives in that is the problem. she also has this big thing about being the favourite grandparent. so if she knows my mum has seen him (before lockdown of course) or if my partner mentions in group chat "thanks cherries mum for little ones toy you got him" the next day she will door stop drop a present and ask partner to put it on social media of him playing with it.

I'm finding it all quite over the top. my one is her 5th grandchild so its not the first time. its lovely in a way because of course my son has someone who obviously adores him but I'm finding it a bit much! not sure that I can really do anything about it or if I'm just having a bit of a rant but we have already had a facetime this morning during breakfast and it's just made me feel irritated. 4 hours of broken sleep probably doesnt help!

OP posts:

RWK29 · 07/02/2021 16:45

@cherriesx3 I feel your pain on this one 😓 I think we might have the same MIL 🙈

I really do love that she loves her grandson but the number of arguments I’ve had with her in the last 3 months since he was born is just unreal 😓 I’ve always got on well with her but it’s now really starting to affect our relationship!

She phones multiple times per day (I only answer when convenient) and always starts with “how’s MY boy?” 🙄 drives me mad! The other day she called and I was trying to nap while he slept - we’d had a really rough night. I didn’t answer, got up and went to the bathroom...came back to 19 missed calls 😳 called her back thinking something was obviously wrong...nope, she just wanted to see “her” boy 😐 told her he was asleep and she’d woken me up and I got “you told me he’s been sleeping not too bad at night so you shouldn’t be sleeping during the day!”. Constantly makes comments on his eating and sleeping and on parenting choices that I make 🙄 me choosing to breastfeed was “a shame and a bit selfish” because her son was going to miss out on feeding his baby 🙄🙄

She’s still ignoring guidelines and mixing with multiple people during covid lockdown 🙄 DP and I are obviously being very strict, and since we went back into lockdown before Christmas baby has seen no family. She tells me everyday that I’m being really mean keeping her away from her grandson and that as soon as restrictions are lifted she’ll be taking him for a weekend 🙄🤣 (not happening!) She even went and bought nappies etc and a crib for her house 😳🙈

She also told me today that she’s signed my baby up to go to a (very expensive) baby swimming group at a nice hotel near us with her as soon as restrictions are lifted 😡 she’s paid for a full block!! Needless to say that went down like a lead balloon with me. Lovely thing for him to go to...but discuss it with me first. I’ll be taking him to swimming lessons.

I couldn’t even tell you the number of times my partner and I have told her to stop but she just can’t seem to help herself when it comes to really pushing boundaries.

MarleyTheDog · 07/02/2021 16:45

The thing is once he has answered her call there is an opening for conversation - or demands.

If the call wasn’t answered in the first place there wouldn’t be a problem. If you have already discussed the disruption MIL’s calls cause and your DH persists on answering just leave him to it.

I have 5 GC. Two under 2 and another one imminent. I call my (pregnant) DIL every few days to see how she is and if she needs me to pick anything up from the shops, chemist etc, as my DS works long hours so is rarely on hand during the day. Obviously I ask after my GC and if they ask to speak to me that’s great. If it’s not a convenient time DIL doesn’t answer. She usually sends a text saying, “Sorry busy a min. Call you later”. I usually reply via text just letting her know I will be shopping tomorrow and to let me know if she needs anything. Job done.

Cheeseismymiddlename · 07/02/2021 16:47

Reminds me of my Mum. She literally called at the same time of day and started the conversation, I know it’s your busy time but ....... it was never important.

Allgirlskidsanddogs · 07/02/2021 16:53

I agree that you have a DH problem.

Time to have a conversation about boundaries. For me phone calls at mealtimes get a quick answer, check it’s not an emergency and agree to ring back later. I wouldn’t be tolerating repeated calls at mealtimes, ban the phone from the room, so DH can go elsewhere to answer.

Londonmummy66 · 07/02/2021 16:55

TBH I would tell your DH that everytime he answers the phone to his mother during a meal or at bedtime, you will leave the room and not come back until DS has been fed, kitchen cleaned and DS put to bed. I would also tell him that you find his being a mummys boy unattractive.

If he is unhappy with this then tell him that the alternative is that next time he answers the phone to her at an inconvenient time you will take it off him, leave the room and tell her in no uncertain terms that he is your baby not hers, you decide when is and isn't convenient for her to face time and that she will not be allowed to disrupt his routine again.

JayAlfredPrufrock · 07/02/2021 17:12

How about you FaceTime your mum at the same time. Make it a joint and joyous family event every meal time.

Feedingthebirds1 · 07/02/2021 17:19

I think they're both pretty shitty tbh. I get he shouldnt answer but she shouldnt keep phoning either, she knows as well as he does that it is not convenient and is disruptive but doesnt care. as long as she gets to see her baby

No she shouldn't keep phoning - but it wouldn't be a problem if DH didn't answer and didn't give in to the demands to see 'her' baby. And I don't even necessarily agree that she loves her DGS so much. It's an opportunity to make things all about her, when otherwise you might be having some good family time in which she's not included.

OP because you keep insisting that the problem is both DH AND MIL, the sense I'm getting is that you don't want to have a major bust up with him. After all, if she stopped ringing there wouldn't be a problem would there? So you direct some of your anger towards her rather than him. I think you need a major falling out with him until he gets that you're serious. It may be unpleasant for a while, but he has to realise that he can't keep putting his mother before his wife and baby.

BluebellsGreenbells · 07/02/2021 18:24

I wouldn’t make it about her either - make it about you

I’m upset when you answer the phone at meal times
I’m annoyed you interrupt bedtime with phone calls
I’m angry when I’m trying to feed DS and feel watched

Take away his mother and you take away his defense

SpilltheTea · 07/02/2021 18:26

I'd just leave him to it. He can try feeding a baby whilst being on FaceTime. I'd have no part in it. He obviously doesn't give a shit how you feel.

Snaketime · 07/02/2021 18:36

Try having a kind word with her mother to mother and tell her you have no problem with her facetimung your son but she needs to start doing it at more convenient times. Depending on who is cooking, could the one with you DS facetime her then and hang up the call when the food is ready?
Tell her that you understand that she loves YOUR DS and you want to find a way for this to work for everyone involved but right now it isn't working, that she is getting him too hyped up before bed and then he isn't sleeping which is not good for his health/development and if that doesn't work tell her you will either hang up the call or leave the room with DS until she can understand that the timing is inconvenient and follow through.

ktp100 · 07/02/2021 18:41

Your DP needs to learn to ignore her calls or say no.

Ideally he'd tell her not to call after a certain time and to accept that if she calls at a bad time, even before that (eg when he's napping) the answer will be no and that's final.

She's overstepping and your DH is letting her.

Time to assert yourself.

billy1966 · 07/02/2021 18:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

billy1966 · 07/02/2021 18:48

Apologies wrong thread🤦‍♀️

billy1966 · 07/02/2021 18:50

Have asked for it to be removed. Apologies.

hulloall · 07/02/2021 19:00

She sounds really annoying.
I would be pissed off every single day if in the same situation.

You just need to tell your partner not to answer the phone. It sounds like he's not taking your point of view on board, so personally as she was ringing during dinner, I would just snap and tell him you are sick of it etc.

Also, how hard would it be for him to just not answer her call and get back to her later?? In the nicest possible way, it sounds as though you are not being firm enough with him. He is allowing this to happen and you need to show him enough is enough.

Hope it all gets sorted soon x

Throughabushbackwards · 07/02/2021 21:11

Another vote for leaving DH with the phone and the baby and swanning off for a nice relaxing bath. I often slip out of the room when PIL and DH and DC are on FaceTime. I say hello and chat for a few minutes but don't feel the need to sit and listen to so every word.

AnneLovesGilbert · 07/02/2021 21:13

What happened this evening?

paintfairy · 07/02/2021 22:20

Every day? Every single day? Wtf. How has it even got this far? Firstly that's rude to interrupt meal times and neither should DH have his phone. How are you meant to bring a child up to focus on meal times and eat etc when he doesn't even have your attention and neither can he concentrate on what he's doing? To me, this is more of an issue. I would certainly get up and walk away, as others have said. Leave him to the task, phone, baby. Or- you and the baby eat elsewhere and he stays eating and speaking to his mother where he wants to.

But her calling every day at any time would do my head in. Yes it's nice to chat and for her to be interested but it can be too much. Plus it shouldn't be at her convenience and not yours. You need to pick an agreed time. And definitely lose the group chats!

OldEvilOwl · 08/02/2021 10:26

Walk off and leave them to it. Take your dinner with you if necessary. The main problem here is your DP for allowing it and not standing up to her

Nanny0gg · 08/02/2021 10:41

[quote cherriesx3]@NotSorry it's not me she calls..[/quote]
But you can still refuse to engage or cut her off if the phone is passed to you.
At mealtimes I'd just get up from the table and walk off

NotSorry · 08/02/2021 10:46

@Nanny0gg

That was my point - thank you

Original poster

cherriesx3 · 08/02/2021 13:26

oh she isn't interested in talking to me lol - the phone doesn't really get passed to me.

She didn't call yesterday - not sure why, maybe she is on here and saw this post! I'm only half joking

OP posts:

Ilovecaviar · 08/02/2021 14:34

@JayAlfredPrufrock has hit the nail on the head. You set up a facetime call with your mum and mil and make a big deal of having a family dinner together, every night, it won’t take long for your mil to not want to facetime at that time.

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