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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

sorry it's a MIL one..

148 replies

cherriesx3 · 07/02/2021 10:51

not sure why I'm setting myself up for a flaming on a sunday morning when I've not had much sleep but here goes!

I'm starting to feel, perhaps illogically, irritated by the way my MIL is with my son. she rings us every day, usually at dinner time when we are trying to feed him and gets irritated if my partner points this out. my partner will say can you call tomorrow mum at an earlier time and she gets really irritated "no, I want to see my baby". then other times, I am doing his night time routine, have turned all lights down low just about to read a story and ready for bed, face timing again. "son is going to bed mum" response is "where is my baby? I want to see my baby".

I dont know if it is referring to him as "my baby" that I'm finding irritating, the constant face timing at inconvenient times and then being demanding when essentially told it isnt a good time or the fact my partner gives in that is the problem. she also has this big thing about being the favourite grandparent. so if she knows my mum has seen him (before lockdown of course) or if my partner mentions in group chat "thanks cherries mum for little ones toy you got him" the next day she will door stop drop a present and ask partner to put it on social media of him playing with it.

I'm finding it all quite over the top. my one is her 5th grandchild so its not the first time. its lovely in a way because of course my son has someone who obviously adores him but I'm finding it a bit much! not sure that I can really do anything about it or if I'm just having a bit of a rant but we have already had a facetime this morning during breakfast and it's just made me feel irritated. 4 hours of broken sleep probably doesnt help!

OP posts:
DavidsSchitt · 07/02/2021 12:08

"I don't have my phone at the table but my partner does"

This is not a MIL problem. Is he always so rude? Why does he want to teach his child such basic disrespectful behaviour?

Weirdfan · 07/02/2021 12:10

Time to point out to DH how short-sighted he's being by choosing to keep MIL happy over his DW. It's you he has to live with day in day out, you he has to coparent with, you who (no doubt) supports him in life and lies next to him in bed, he would be incredibly stupid to risk upsetting you over his DM, who is naturally a lesser part of his life now he is an adult. She can only make his life a misery part time and from a distance but you are right there, all the time Grin

Time to set some boundaries OP, tell DH all of the above and then use some of the excellent suggestions you've had here to proactively manage MIL's calls. You and DH need to be on the same side though and he seems to have forgotten where his loyalty lies.

hashbrownsandwich · 07/02/2021 12:13

This is the age old MN favourite - you don't have a MIL issue, you have a DH issue.

Tell him how you feel, tell him from now on there are boundaries and if he doesn't respect them too then his mum can FaceTime him instead of your son while he's eating a ready meal for 1 once you LTB.

Might be harsh but if you're posting on here and excusing the actual issue you need to toughen up and be assertive.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 07/02/2021 12:16

You have a dh problem, @cherriesx3, more than a MIL problem. You need to lay down the law to your dh - no more FaceTime with his mum during mealtimes or bedtime. He has no backbone when dealing with his mum so you need to be firm enough for everyone.

Original poster
cherriesx3 · 07/02/2021 12:16

I think they are both the issue tbh. him for not being more firm and her for thinking her right to see our son over rides the fact we are trying to have dinner and go to bed. the whole situation is just ridiculous. when it happens again tonight (and it really is a when not an if unfortunately) I am going to put my foot down. I'm exhausted enough to not be too concerned for what the response may be - too tired to care right now.

OP posts:
OllysArmy · 07/02/2021 12:17

This makes me so glad that my DC were little before all this Social Media crap. MIL was bad enough wanted us to go to hers for Sunday lunch every week not my parents, wanted the first choice of attending school plays etc. If it had been on FaceBook or Insta or anything it would have been another level. We have a no phones at the table policy and if it was bedtime routine would not have answered home phone or anything else.

Just to say now 20 plus years later MIL likes to remind us that when the DC were little they preferred her and were much more comfortable around her. They weren't it is just that my DP treated them like children, let them be themselves and were always there for them. My MIL put them on a pedestal and talked about how special they were. She used to prompt them to say that they liked her, or that she cooked them a special meal every time they went.

hashbrownsandwich · 07/02/2021 12:19

@cherriesx3 you might have to be completely blunt and unsubtle, risking an argument with DH and MIL but long term it will be the best idea. Short term pain for long term gain.

DavidsSchitt · 07/02/2021 12:20

Why wait until it happens?

Speak to him, tell him you're not prepared to bring your child up thinking it's normal to have a phone there at mealtimes and bedtimes.

Put the phone away, switched off. It's not hard.

hashbrownsandwich · 07/02/2021 12:22

I agree with previous poster too. Tell DH right now that when MIL calls at dinner/bed then he either doesn't answer or better yet, in the interests of being vaguely reasonable, can you offer a compromise? Can DH FaceTime MIL for 10 minutes while you are prepping dinner?

Godimabitch · 07/02/2021 12:22

DH problem. Yes she's annoying but she's being told it's ok so why would she stop doing it?
He needs telling to put his phone away while you're eating and while DS is going to bed. He's choosing his mum over his wife and child. I'd address any annoyance to him when she rings and he answers. "DH put your phone away, we're eating." "DH will you stop disturbing DS when he's going to bed."

purplebagladylovesgin · 07/02/2021 12:22

Don't answer, either you or your partner.

Then cal her back at a more convenient time.

Ask your partner for his phone just before you sit down and either switch it off or put it on mute. Is also be leaving it in another room so he can't feel guilty when she calls. We have a no phones in the dining room rule and it's never broken, it sets good practice for children growing up as family
eating time is really important. Her intrusion would drive me to distraction.

I'd also be locking the baby's room whilst I'm settling him too so a FaceTime call can't suddenly appear. When she calls tell your husband that she's missed him tonight as he's being settled right now but he can call her back in the morning.

Mute your phones during dinner and get a bolt for the door when settling baby in the evening.

BillyIsMyBunny · 07/02/2021 12:26

Your DH is the problem. He needs to put boundaries in place and stick to them.

FluffyMcWuffy · 07/02/2021 12:26

We have a phone with caller ID so I can see exactly who is calling. We also put our phone ring on silent- job done! No more interfering MIL. If she can’t respect your boundaries then you are left with no other option than to block her out by such means.

PurpleMustang · 07/02/2021 12:33

You need to speak to him before it happens today. And maybe if he insists on doing facetime today do it way before dinner so she has no reason to call again today. Do it on your schedule. Has any mentioned the FOG, fear, obligation and guilt. Also Toxic Parents book to read. They both need boundaries else it will just get worse when she demands more and he keeps caving. Personally if he insists on taking the calls I would immediately call you parents afterwards, every time. He may realise then how often and annoying it is

Justgorgeous · 07/02/2021 12:42

Just don’t answer the phone. My Mil keeps FTing when I’m trying to home school and I just ignore her and ring her back when it’s convenient.

YukoandHiro · 07/02/2021 12:50

100 per cent tell your DP you're not dealing with it at inconvenient times as it's disruptive and if he accepts the call then he's doing the dinner/bed/breakfast/too! Just walk off and have some much needed you time when this happens. Go for a walk and say you're doing your lockdown exercise

iwishiwasatcentralperk · 07/02/2021 12:50

She is never going to get the message while DH keeps answering the phone to her is she? He needs to leave his phone in another room and ignore it while you are doing mealtimes and bedtimes.

It is a DH problem, not a MIL problem. The only way she will get the message is for DH to stop answering.

If he continues to answer because he doesn't see a problem with it, then step away from mealtimes and bedtimes and let him deal with them on his own while facetiming. See how long it lasts then.

Sh05 · 07/02/2021 13:01

Remind him to call her before you start preparing dinner then the call is over before you sit to eat.
Make sure to mention to her that you're calling now so dinner isn't interupted because he's not eating so well whilst she's calling.

midnight90 · 07/02/2021 13:08

The 'i want to see my baby' thing is a bit creepy as she didnt give birth to your child.
I get she wants to see her grandchild because of lockdown and the only way to do it is over facetime, but time and place right

Chocolino · 07/02/2021 13:10

She needs managing. Call her at a time when your DS is not being attended to. Get in there first.

I ignore phone calls at inconvenient times. I got told I should pick up the phone and say it’s not convenient but no, sorry that is what answer machines are for.

CutePixie · 07/02/2021 13:11

@cherriesx3 you need to tell your DP that he needs to mute his phone (or completely turn it off) after a certain time (maybe an hour before dinner time) so his DM doesn’t disturb your baby’s evening/night routine. Tell him that his DM’s behaviour is damaging your MH and you feel suffocated. Also tell your DP to tell his DM to stop calling her grandchild “my baby.” It’s creepy.

Nat6999 · 07/02/2021 13:12

My ex mil used to be like this & she only lived round the corner, I used to unplug the landline & doorbell after tea to ensure we got some peace to get ds to bed. Thankfully this was pre smartphone, I would borrow your dh phone & put her on do not disturb until she got the message that it wasn't acceptable to ring at meal or bedtime.

FoxInSocks2 · 07/02/2021 13:13

Well first of all you have a bit of a DH issue. He shouldn't be answering calls during family meal times, that would solve a lot of issues. As for bed/nap time just say to him, do not come in the bedroom as it disturbs the process.

Schedule calls twice a week for your MIL. Anymore is overkill.

rwalker · 07/02/2021 13:15

Tell him now in advance of it happening tonight that he can call her back .

Shoxfordian · 07/02/2021 13:16

Yeah your dp is definitely the issue here as well

Tell him if he disrupts bedtime or whatever it is to speak to mil then he can sort out the aftermath as well and ensure ds goes to bed etc