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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

sorry it's a MIL one..

148 replies

cherriesx3 · 07/02/2021 10:51

not sure why I'm setting myself up for a flaming on a sunday morning when I've not had much sleep but here goes!

I'm starting to feel, perhaps illogically, irritated by the way my MIL is with my son. she rings us every day, usually at dinner time when we are trying to feed him and gets irritated if my partner points this out. my partner will say can you call tomorrow mum at an earlier time and she gets really irritated "no, I want to see my baby". then other times, I am doing his night time routine, have turned all lights down low just about to read a story and ready for bed, face timing again. "son is going to bed mum" response is "where is my baby? I want to see my baby".

I dont know if it is referring to him as "my baby" that I'm finding irritating, the constant face timing at inconvenient times and then being demanding when essentially told it isnt a good time or the fact my partner gives in that is the problem. she also has this big thing about being the favourite grandparent. so if she knows my mum has seen him (before lockdown of course) or if my partner mentions in group chat "thanks cherries mum for little ones toy you got him" the next day she will door stop drop a present and ask partner to put it on social media of him playing with it.

I'm finding it all quite over the top. my one is her 5th grandchild so its not the first time. its lovely in a way because of course my son has someone who obviously adores him but I'm finding it a bit much! not sure that I can really do anything about it or if I'm just having a bit of a rant but we have already had a facetime this morning during breakfast and it's just made me feel irritated. 4 hours of broken sleep probably doesnt help!

OP posts:
misskatamari · 07/02/2021 13:19

Yeah this would piss me off. I'd be most annoyed with DH though. Ffs, just don't answer the phone! Grow a backbone man! You literally have to DO NOTHING. I would be telling him that this was massively upsetting you and if it didn't stop was going to cause real issues in the relationship. He needs to leave his phone in a different room on silent. No ifs or buts.

This would be getting put a stop to right now I'm my house, it is ridiculous to be eating your dinner as a family on face time with someone else. Seriously wtf!? So intrusive! If dh doesn't sort this I would be seriously pissed off that he seems to value his mums comfort so much higher than his wife's, as this is something that is really upsetting you, in your own home, and is totally within his power to fix very very easily

Motnight · 07/02/2021 13:24

This won't be resolved pleasantly without your husband being on board.

DavidsSchitt · 07/02/2021 13:24

Surprised at all those saying let him deal with the fallout and disruption etc.

Have you all forgotten there's a child in the middle of this?! A child whose mealtimes and bedtimes are disrupted and chaotic because his dad insists on being glued to his phone.

A child who is learning to be rude and to lack basic manners and respect because that is what his dad is showing him.

OP - you really need to speak to him and before it happens, not when. Then he can FaceTime earlier if he wants to.

Howshouldibehave · 07/02/2021 13:29
  1. DH needs to not answer the phone if it’s inconvenient. If he does it every time, knowing how much it irritates you, you have a DH problem.
  1. Why have a group chat with both grandmas in it-that’s just asking for trouble?? 1 group chat per family.
Flapjak · 07/02/2021 13:30

You need to agree to a time when she can call and she can do it with your husband so you dont need to listen to the my baby. She shouldnt be interuppting meals thats totally inappropriate and rude, its hard enough to keep them focused on eating as it is at toddler age.

Heyahun · 07/02/2021 13:34

Easy fixed - stop answering FaceTime calls - stop sharing shite on bloody social media or group chats !! The drama

alexis4theppl · 07/02/2021 13:38

Why not ask your OH to call her when its convenient for him and baby. Get the FaceTime out of the way and then it won't interfere with what you have going on.

o8O8O8o · 07/02/2021 13:40

Stop being so obedient OP!

Devlesko · 07/02/2021 13:54

Stop answering Confused

Original poster
cherriesx3 · 07/02/2021 13:57

please read the thread. not me, not my phone, not me answering. if she was ringing me it would be that easy.

OP posts:
callmeadoctor · 07/02/2021 13:59

In the words of Mumsnet, you have a DH problem, not a MIL!

BluebellsGreenbells · 07/02/2021 14:00

Why not walk away?

When he brings the phone, you walk away and let him do bedtime or feeding?

Let him take over

He’ll soon relalise how hard it is to do both, don’t say anything, don’t engage

Walk away

DavidsSchitt · 07/02/2021 14:00

@cherriesx3 we've read the thread.

You're allowing your DH to do this to you and your son. Why?

Why are you allowing phones at the table and at bedtimes?

Woodlandbelle · 07/02/2021 14:03

It's your dh at fault here. But I understand his guilt. But he is answering the phone. Maybe say to him phones in the drawer in silent or off. This is very easy to solve.
Brilliant suggestion to go out or take your meal to another room. You wouldn't have to do this for more than a few days for them to get the message.

Another thing is group what's app. Recipe for disaster. Ring your mum to discuss your baby. Boundaries are so badly needed.

My mil started ringing me every day at 5.30pm if dh hadn't called her. There would be a bit of drama (she would fret he had been in an accident). I told dh to ring her and not call me again if he doesn't pick up the phone. She had to wait for him to call her (they talk every day). It never happened again.

Original poster
cherriesx3 · 07/02/2021 14:05

I was responding to the person who said stop answering.

I can definitley say to my partner I dont want phones at the table but I already know he is going to argue hes an adult bla bla. it's an argument I have already had with him. I have also said to her that it was dinner time etc. and she just shouted over me wheres my baby, so she isnt helping either, they both know I find it irritating but neither one of them see the harm.

will probably try leaving dinner time just up to my partner, I saw that suggested a few times which is a good idea. hopefully he will realise its pretty difficult trying to be on facetime and feeding a toddler/encouraging a toddler to eat

OP posts:
PineappleCrush10 · 07/02/2021 14:06

@Santaiscovidfree

Well when she asked for her baby give the phone back to dh and make him babble....
Grin
misskatamari · 07/02/2021 14:12

He can argue that all he wants. The fact is he is enabling his mums behaviour, which is causing you a lot of upset. It's just bloody rude! If he's such an adult he can stop answering whenever mummy calls, if it's not a convenient time!

Does he know how much this is upsetting you? If so he is being so completely unreasonable and needs to find a solution to this

jennygran1 · 07/02/2021 14:27

HI,
I am a MIL and I do not phone my son or my daughter now they have children because I think it is distracting and spoils their time with their children. What I did ask for was a text and cute photos and that gives me great pleasure. These are sent privately and I do not think my children want photos on the internet. I would not expect them every day, just when there is a nice one. I do think your MIL is being unhelpful. Also, when children become mobile you really need to concentrate on them to keep them safe. So when OH is not tired or hungry, let him know gently that his role is to keep you sane and the children safe! best wishes Jenny

MumW · 07/02/2021 14:28

Tell him that he's a parent now and should be putting you and your DC first. Point out how unattractive his attitude is and tell him that, if he continues to behave like a little Mummy's boy, you'll be treating him like one.
You could also make him sleep in the spare room with a Thomas the Tank Engine duvet, give him a single boiled egg with toast soldiers for lunch and serve whatever bland meals DS until he gets the message.

DavidsSchitt · 07/02/2021 14:32

Are you happy to raise your child with phones at mealtimes and bedtimes?

If DH is an adult then he's old enough to accept that it's about time he grows up and adequately parents his child. Lazy parenting and completely rude and disruptive.

Santaiscovidfree · 07/02/2021 14:32

Well when he answers you go off and do something else. Leave him juggling a phone and a hungry /crying dc... Bathroom and lock the door. Shop for something you just remembered you need. Once he realises his dm is an inconvenience to him he may wise up.

fireme · 07/02/2021 14:36

You have a problem with your partner, not the mil. Tell him, he's to say no. Just no. He needs to tell her what times are ok for her to call and that's that.

Bubblegum3 · 07/02/2021 14:36

Why not suggest to your partner to call her at a time that suits you. I.e oh why don't you give mil a call now and I will go do something upstairs

MzHz · 07/02/2021 14:37

Stop with the The group chat for one

Tell h that calls before x time but not after and if he answers and expects you to entertain this you will end the call without a word and repeat ever time until she gets it.

You are waiting for a ma child to tell
Mummy that she’s making life really hard for you and he’s not, so tell her once, yourself and then don’t entertain another call at an obviously inconvenient time again.

Oh and correct this “my baby” crap.

“Mil, this My a baby stuff has to stop. he’s our baby, and your grandson. I am putting my son to bed and your call is - again - right slap bang in the middle of it.”

Blunt and a bit rude, but you’ve tried and trying isn’t working.

Teacaketotty · 07/02/2021 14:41

I agree with @MzHz - at the end of the day if your DH doesn’t have the balls to sort it you need to. Your a grown woman and a mother, just tell her like it is. Dinner time/bedtime isn’t convenient, sorry now isn’t a good time etc. Doesn’t have to be a huge blow out just be honest and firm.

But generally if my DH put his mother’s feelings before mine that would be a big problem for me.