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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

sorry it's a MIL one..

148 replies

cherriesx3 · 07/02/2021 10:51

not sure why I'm setting myself up for a flaming on a sunday morning when I've not had much sleep but here goes!

I'm starting to feel, perhaps illogically, irritated by the way my MIL is with my son. she rings us every day, usually at dinner time when we are trying to feed him and gets irritated if my partner points this out. my partner will say can you call tomorrow mum at an earlier time and she gets really irritated "no, I want to see my baby". then other times, I am doing his night time routine, have turned all lights down low just about to read a story and ready for bed, face timing again. "son is going to bed mum" response is "where is my baby? I want to see my baby".

I dont know if it is referring to him as "my baby" that I'm finding irritating, the constant face timing at inconvenient times and then being demanding when essentially told it isnt a good time or the fact my partner gives in that is the problem. she also has this big thing about being the favourite grandparent. so if she knows my mum has seen him (before lockdown of course) or if my partner mentions in group chat "thanks cherries mum for little ones toy you got him" the next day she will door stop drop a present and ask partner to put it on social media of him playing with it.

I'm finding it all quite over the top. my one is her 5th grandchild so its not the first time. its lovely in a way because of course my son has someone who obviously adores him but I'm finding it a bit much! not sure that I can really do anything about it or if I'm just having a bit of a rant but we have already had a facetime this morning during breakfast and it's just made me feel irritated. 4 hours of broken sleep probably doesnt help!

OP posts:
Livelovebehappy · 07/02/2021 11:15

You’re allowing her to over invest in your life. As the issue is with your DH taking the FaceTime calls, it’s something you need to address with him, not your mil. Tell him not to respond to the calls. You can reject with a message, ie ‘sorry, inconvenient atm. We will get back to you when free’. If this is done every time its convenient, it should solve the issues. Because DH is answering, your mil clearly assumes it is convenient. You obviously dont want to alienate her as sounds like she is a doting gran, but boundaries just need to be put in place. By your DH.

Stovetopespresso · 07/02/2021 11:15

@Justmuddlingalong

Phone her at a time that suits you. Perhaps not every day, as I think that's a bit much. But if you take the lead and then ignore the phone if she calls later, she can't complain about not seeing "her baby."
I agree with this, you ring her to avoid dinner and bed time. take charge. she'll feel loved and so its win win
Dontforgetyourbrolly · 07/02/2021 11:15

She sounds batshit, let your husband deal with her. He will soon end up telling her to jog on when hes left juggling baby and mil

Stovetopespresso · 07/02/2021 11:19

oh gosh the 'my baby' thing. my ex dm did that, I took it as a sign of affection and ignored it tbh, sorry to hear its irritating you.

maybe if you sort the calls out it won't be as annoying? plus he won't be a baby for very long ....

JackieWeaverFever · 07/02/2021 11:22

Do not answer and do not let him answer.

You need to tell your partner in no uncertain terms to put his phone on silent in the hall 6-8 (or whatever)
When she gets called back and kicks off I would offer to do a day time call once or twice a week of I was feeling nice

She isn't a monster she just wants to see her grandson.

Radio4Rocks · 07/02/2021 11:24

"my baby" is very common to relatives of a baby and it's a bit daft to take offence when it isn't meant any way other than lovingly. I used to say that to the babies of friends and no one poked me in the yet. It's just showing affection.

The calls at inconvenient times are a whole other issue, though.

C152 · 07/02/2021 11:24

YANBU. Everything you've listed is WAY over the top.

Original poster
cherriesx3 · 07/02/2021 11:25

I'm not taking offence at the my baby thing, I just find it a bit irritating when coupled with the constant face timing and being over ruled when I say it's not a good time. almost like I dont get a say when actually he is MY baby

OP posts:
Original poster
cherriesx3 · 07/02/2021 11:25

and the competitiveness with my mum, it's just all a bit much

OP posts:
HenriettaHeffalump · 07/02/2021 11:27

Tell your DH not to answer the phone at dinner time. That is ridiculous of both of them. You can't have a video call while your small toddler is trying to eat. Fuck that.

LeaveMyDamnJam · 07/02/2021 11:31

Turn off the WiFi!

Theunamedcat · 07/02/2021 11:32

Tell your husband how you feel its your baby yours and his not hers and she is being nasty by shouting over you his wife he needs to stop it

cautiouscovidity · 07/02/2021 11:32

Could you be proactive and FaceTime her at a more convenient time when he's alert? Keep it short and sweet.

Thecheekthenervetheaudacity · 07/02/2021 11:33

Don’t answer the call if it’s inconvenient, in fact I’d put it on dnd especially at the baby’s bedtime. When MIL inevitably kicks off her own son can tell her it’s because it wasn’t a good time to talk and maybe suggest the best time. Broken record I think is the best way to deal with it.

GabriellaMontez · 07/02/2021 11:36

Have you asked him to not answer? Its intrusive and disruptive. If he keeps doing it, I agree with PP leave the room. With or without the baby.

As is so often the case, he is your problem. Not her.

GabriellaMontez · 07/02/2021 11:37

He's keen to keep her happy isnt he. Less so you...

DavidsSchitt · 07/02/2021 11:40

You tell him what your boundaries are. I would not accept phones at the table so she'd have a job on FaceTiming during dinner!

FaceTime her at a time that suits you. And delete the group chat. That's crazy!

Teacaketotty · 07/02/2021 11:47

I kind of have this issue with my own DM OP- honestly began to grate on me the constant need to FaceTime a toddler that just wants to grab the phone or isn’t interested.

I just stopped answering if it wasn’t a good time. I call her once every couple of days when it’s a good time for me. Although generally it’s just a stressful experience.

The my baby thing would probably drive me mad to be honest.

billy1966 · 07/02/2021 11:50

@MeanyJoany

Firstly set up a different group chat, your family and his, there is no reason for them to be combined nd it's only going to encourage the competitiveness on her side.

Tell him next time he answers a face time you and your ds are leaving the room to eat. And actually do it. Be rude, they have no problem doing whatever they like so you do to?

*where's my baby?" Just say "you are talking to your baby, my baby is trying to get to sleep"

Like she sounds super annoying, but it doesn't seem malicious, more needy and attention seeking but the thing with that is you need to stamp it out because not saying anything to someone like that is basically telling them it's ok, it will drive you mad and when eventually you do say it she'll be all shocked so say it now before it drives you mad

This.

Your husband is rude and disrespectful of you.

Tell him that if he doesn't respect your wishes you will leave the room and do it.

You sound bullied by him and he sounds very disrespectful.

Mealtimes should not be spoiled by her.

Stand up for yourself and stop being disregarded by your husband.

No calls at bedtime.

Again utterly ridiculous.

Your MIL gets what she wants.
Your husband suits himself.

You are utterly disregarded in your home.

Fix this NOW or expect it to get worse and definitely set up your own private family WhatsApp group.

You need to badly work on your boundaries and not allow yourself to so easily be dominated by your husband and his family.

Flowers
Stovetopespresso · 07/02/2021 11:52

op you've got a range of suggestions now, are you feeling happier, do you think you will act on them? you don't even need to have the awks conversation with do, you can just ring her yourself at a time when it suits you.

...and good luck with the my baby thing, maybe you can have a shot glass handy and knock one back every time she says it Grin

Princessbanana · 07/02/2021 11:55

After she calls again and does her dramatics, you have to have a conversation with your partner. Tell him that his mother can call anytime before 4? Whatever time suits you and for him to stick to it! He need to send her a message to say, we always have dinner at 5 and are usually busy after so best to ring before 4 mum. And that’s it, get him to stick to it! It’s really not that hard and I know if I had this conversation with my partner, he would understand and try to sort out the issue.

Original poster
cherriesx3 · 07/02/2021 11:57

the problem is, I don't have my phone at the table but my partner does. he knows how I feel about the face timing at dinner but he still answers, to tell her it's not convenient Hmm but then gives in to the I want to see my baby comments. I think he has boundary issues with her too and I do think it stems from her being his only parent who is around now. my son is a terrible sleeper too so I'm probably a little bit precious about routine and him not getting hyped up by MIL at dinner and bed time.

OP posts:
BooBahBoo · 07/02/2021 12:02

I’d hate this.

Honestly, when she rings tonight I’d just hand YOUR baby to your partner and let him crack on with bedtime while face timing her. You go run a bath or something that makes you unavailable to help. And then if bedtime is messed up a bit tonight, make sure he deals with the baby as it’s his own fault.

Once he realises he has to do bedtime alone without your help and with his mother being a nuisance down the phone, he’ll soon tell her to ring back earlier.

You need to wash your hands off the situation. He’ll either realise how annoying it is and stop picking up, or he’ll learn how to do bedtime and chat to her at the same time. Either way, it’s nothing to do with you and you can wash your hands off the situation.

BooBahBoo · 07/02/2021 12:03

Oh, and regarding the dinner thing. If she rings I’d just lift my plate and go eat in another room and put some tv on. He can sit like a Wally at the table on his own and listen to her drone on.

Love51 · 07/02/2021 12:06

No phones at the table, you won't be cooking for people who can't respect that. It is really rude. Honestly if someone calls when you're eating the choices are to ignore the phone, or say 'hi, we're just sitting down to dinner, I'll call you back in half an hour'. The only exception is if you are having a call back from a job interview. This is Debretts according to Love.

Thank your mum personally, not publicly.
My kids have 3 full sets of grandparents plus DHs (ex-) stepdad. There is no benefit to them being too much in each others' business. And the 101 aunts and uncles, + all thanked by a WhatsApp just to them, not the whole family.