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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

sorry it's a MIL one..

148 replies

cherriesx3 · 07/02/2021 10:51

not sure why I'm setting myself up for a flaming on a sunday morning when I've not had much sleep but here goes!

I'm starting to feel, perhaps illogically, irritated by the way my MIL is with my son. she rings us every day, usually at dinner time when we are trying to feed him and gets irritated if my partner points this out. my partner will say can you call tomorrow mum at an earlier time and she gets really irritated "no, I want to see my baby". then other times, I am doing his night time routine, have turned all lights down low just about to read a story and ready for bed, face timing again. "son is going to bed mum" response is "where is my baby? I want to see my baby".

I dont know if it is referring to him as "my baby" that I'm finding irritating, the constant face timing at inconvenient times and then being demanding when essentially told it isnt a good time or the fact my partner gives in that is the problem. she also has this big thing about being the favourite grandparent. so if she knows my mum has seen him (before lockdown of course) or if my partner mentions in group chat "thanks cherries mum for little ones toy you got him" the next day she will door stop drop a present and ask partner to put it on social media of him playing with it.

I'm finding it all quite over the top. my one is her 5th grandchild so its not the first time. its lovely in a way because of course my son has someone who obviously adores him but I'm finding it a bit much! not sure that I can really do anything about it or if I'm just having a bit of a rant but we have already had a facetime this morning during breakfast and it's just made me feel irritated. 4 hours of broken sleep probably doesnt help!

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 07/02/2021 14:43

This would drive me insane. You need to bluntly ask him why he’s willing to upset you more than his mum. That’s what he’s doing, every single day.

You’ve had a range of good suggestions of what to do. You’ve got nothing to lose by being as rude to her as she repeatedly is to you. “It’s a bad time, DP will call you to catch up once DS is asleep” and end the call.

He won’t stick up to her so you have to.

If someone, including my husband, tried to ruin bedtime by shoving a screen in my toddler’s face I’d throw the phone in the toilet. Outrageously selfish behaviour and actively against the child’s best interests.

Ivy455 · 07/02/2021 14:48

The constant calling and the "my baby" thing would really piss me off too. YANBU.

Onadifferentuniverse · 07/02/2021 14:59

Why can’t you reiterate that it’s not a good time and say you’ll call her back when it’s more convenient?

If your partner doesn’t support you with this he is the issue. Hopefully you know this?

SeasonFinale · 07/02/2021 15:00

Yes it is a DH problem more than a MIL one at present. If you get him to stop answering she won't be able to keep calling and interrupting.

There is no need for anyone to thank your mum for anything in a group chat, thank her personally. Why would anyone do that anyway?

Speak with him. As another person said ask why he is happy to upset you but not happy to upset her?

MissKhan1990 · 07/02/2021 15:02

My sister in law MIL, tells her grandkids to call her mum. I told my husband that the only person that my child will be allowed to call mum is me.

WhereDoMyBluebirdsFly · 07/02/2021 15:02

Wow, no wonder you're at the end of your tether!

Agree with previous posters, currently your DP doesn't have any negative effects from his mum ringing. She rings, he answers, he does as she says, he's a good boy for mummy, job done. You are the one who has to feed a baby who's distracted by facetime, or who has to settle a baby who has just had a phone thrust in his face at bedtime. Your DP needs to suffer some consequences.

If his mum rings during dinner then pick up your plate and leave the room.

If she rings at bedtime say "OK, you settle the baby then" and leave him to it.

Once he's had to deal with the consequences of his actions a few times then he'll reconsider answering the phone every time his mum calls.

Woolff · 07/02/2021 15:15

She seems like a massive pain in the arse and not what you need.

Seriously tune her out and make her tone it down. She doesn't need to be there, virtually or whatever, as much as she is.

CuriousSeal · 07/02/2021 15:15

My FIL tries ringing for a video call at random times. I just ignore him when he calls me and have said that they need to let me know in advance if they want to see our DS on a video call. I personally think video calls are so much more invasive and disruptive than phone calls, and therefore should always be organised in advance. Fortunately my DH understands this and doesn't pick up their spontaneous video calls unless he is able to take DS and speak with them.

billy1966 · 07/02/2021 15:22

OP,

As a mother and wife at the beginning of a long road of parenting you really need to think about how you are going to manage if your husband and MIL have such disrespect for you.

I really hope you think about sorting out bullet proof contraception to protect yourself.

Flowers
grumpygiraffe · 07/02/2021 15:35

Every single time your partner caves in to her, you need to give him a massive bollocking. Eventually he will be more scared of you than he is of his mother and you might get some control of the situation. He sounds utterly pathetic.

MarleyTheDog · 07/02/2021 15:48

Why is your thread entitled “It’s a MIL one”? Your DH is the problem.

If he persists just hand him the baby and his dinner/nightclothes or whatever you’re doing when he answers the call. Let him get on with it, and take yourself off for some me time. He’ll find out for himself how annoying it is.

Original poster
cherriesx3 · 07/02/2021 15:57

its titled that as a heads up more than anything because I know on AIBU anything mentioning MIL seem to instantly get peoples backs up. thankfully, people have been helpful and not rude on my post.

I think they're both pretty shitty tbh. I get he shouldnt answer but she shouldnt keep phoning either, she knows as well as he does that it is not convenient and is disruptive but doesnt care. as long as she gets to see her baby Hmm

OP posts:
LouiseTrees · 07/02/2021 15:59

@cherriesx3

if it was me she was face timing I wouldnt answer if not convenient but my partner has no backbone when it comes to things like this. he doesnt really see it as an issue and thinks its sweet, even amusing that she shares dinner times with us on facetime. even after he has said mum were eating dinner, its almost like a oh go on then, when she comes out with the wheres my baby line and I want to see my baby. don't think he would find it sweet if it was my parents though..

I find it a bit suffocating tbh. and whoever said about bragging rights has summed up better than me about the toys and social media posts and wanting to be the favourite. that's exactly what it feels like.

Could you tell him “ you answer that phone, you stay up with the baby and I get to go rest”. “ you answer that phone you deal with the dinner mess and tantrums”. Basically give him an incentive not to answer or penalty for doing so
WhereDoMyBluebirdsFly · 07/02/2021 15:59

You can't control her though, she's obviously got the hide of a rhino. You can only control yourself, and what you allow in your house.

MarleyTheDog · 07/02/2021 16:00

How does she know it’s not convenient when every time she calls she gets what she wants??

LouiseTrees · 07/02/2021 16:02

@cherriesx3

its titled that as a heads up more than anything because I know on AIBU anything mentioning MIL seem to instantly get peoples backs up. thankfully, people have been helpful and not rude on my post.

I think they're both pretty shitty tbh. I get he shouldnt answer but she shouldnt keep phoning either, she knows as well as he does that it is not convenient and is disruptive but doesnt care. as long as she gets to see her baby Hmm

Ps phone her at 3am one night that the baby has woke up due to teething. Say “ I thought you wanted to see the baby at inconvenient times”. Nuclear option and I’m semi not serious but option presented none the less. My last advice was better. Or my next advice, if you know she will phone dinner or bedtime couldn’t you phone her in advance to head it off?
hammeringinmyhead · 07/02/2021 16:09

Honestly, when she rings tonight I’d just hand YOUR baby to your partner and let him crack on with bedtime while face timing her.

Not the only post saying this but I agree. Tell him when it rings "If you answer that, you're on your own," and when he does "I'll leave you both to it!" and off you go.

Or, he does dinner and bedtime tonight as you fancy a bath. See if he answers then.

Original poster
cherriesx3 · 07/02/2021 16:22

@MarleyTheDog I've mentioned on here that I have said it before were eating dinner - she just talks over me. it is very clear that we are eating when she calls. I said that my partner says mum were eating or its bedtime, she always responds I want to see my baby. like I said they obviously both think its normal and very charming for her to be so involved.

I am really not in the mood for it tonight so I will be leaving him to it if it happens.

OP posts:
NotSorry · 07/02/2021 16:22

2 choices

  1. stop answering the phone at inconvenient times

  2. carry on as you are and nothing will change

Your choice

LightDrizzle · 07/02/2021 16:31

Don’t just leave him to feed her. Leave him to Do bedtime and settle her afterwards. Every time.

He had limited consequences at the moment.
I think it’s fucking rude to answer your phone at dinner when someone else is sat there in the room with you.

Original poster
cherriesx3 · 07/02/2021 16:36

@NotSorry it's not me she calls..

OP posts:
Original poster
cherriesx3 · 07/02/2021 16:36

I think its rude too, we both work so it's one of the only times I get to have a conversation with him aswell.

OP posts:
DavidsSchitt · 07/02/2021 16:37

"I am really not in the mood for it tonight so I will be leaving him to it if it happens."

So you've not spoken to him about it? Honestly, then you also need to take some of the responsibility.

I tell anyone who has their phone out at my table to put it away, anyone. If someone had thought it appropriate to have their phone out during the kids bedtime routines they'd have got told as well.

Your husband won't stop unless you seriously talk to him about it

mogtheexcellent · 07/02/2021 16:41

You have a DH problem. Until he has your back this will continue.

lockdownalli · 07/02/2021 16:43

You have a DP problem.

I would be going nuclear if I were you Grin Get up from the table, walk away with baby and what will he do? Follow you? Or get up from table and leave him to deal with it all, but I really couldn't cope, I would be reading him the riot act Flowers