Is this normal for a step family?

[Dundee67890]

I have a situation at home that has gone on for so long I’m not even sure if it’s normal or not?

DSD is 17. I’ve been with her dad for 10 years and we’re married. She comes to our house every other weekend Fri to Monday. I wasn’t the reason her parents split but her mum hated me from the start and made my relationship with her daughter difficult from a young age.

When DSD is with us she rarely speaks to me. She’ll answer if I ask her something, but will never take the conversation further. She whispers with her dad regularly and she’ll stop talking if I walk into a room. Like most teens she spends most of the time in her room (even pre COVID). She has been with us since Friday and he literally spent the whole time in bed except for coming out when called for dinner. She’s taken drinks and breakfast back to bed.

She doesn’t wash or shower and her room is an awful mess when she leaves, used sanitary towels left lying around, dirty bed sheets - I don’t go in to her room when she’s here as it’s her private space but from a quick glance as I walk past (door ajar) it is a tip.

I don’t live like this. I work in a hospital and regularly work 50+ hours a week. My weekends are pretty special to my recovery from work and MH but I find the weekends she’s with us are stressful due to the difficult atmosphere.

I’ve tried talking to her dad but he is immediately defensive and starts shouting at me. He refuses to talk about it as he says she’s doing nothing wrong. I’ve tried writing to him but he just ignores me.

I’m not trying to stop her coming, but is there any advice on what I can do to make it better for myself? Is it normal or AIBU?

In Scottish therefore I’m tight and hate English people.
DH is a man therefore his little man brain doesn’t know how to work all the buttons on the washing machine.
My best friend is a beautiful red head therefore she must have stupid with a bad temper.
I’m a step mum therefore I must have been the other woman, must resent my DSD, must be trying to get DH to stop paying maintenance because I want it all for my child (sorry, DSDs half brother - whole other thread), and must have known what I was getting into (funny how that never applies to first wives - how come they didn’t know their marriage would break down before deciding to have children with their future ex husband?)
Bingo!
All a lot of shit.

@Dundee67890

Step mum bingo is played usually by women who dislike step mums for a whole host of reasons, more often than not exes who are projecting their own insecurities. The comments are often untrue, nearly always unkind and unnecessary. Just because they’ve been repeatedly said doesn’t make them any more true. Perfect example is the comment on this thread, “you’re an outsider”, not true, I’m married to my husband, her dad, we offer her a place she could call home if she wanted. I’m not an outsider.

I was the child with the step mum so I am more likely to give you the child's perspective because I've lived the experience myself. As an adult, I am no contact with my Father now due to becoming a parent myself and realising that proper parents put their children first not take their new wife's side to keep the peace.

It sounds like your husband is a better Dad than mine though by your account.

Now, let's reverse this OP ...

"I am really worried about my teenage daughter. I am remarried with shared custody and she stays with me and my partner every other weekend. When she is here, she stays mostly in her room and tries to avoid my partner. I am really worried about her mental health, her exams were cancelled last year and she is struggling with the isolation from her school friends and Covid-19 lockdown restrictions. When she is here she rarely gets out of bed and doesn't wash so often smells. She cannot seem to do the basic things to keep her bedroom tidy and has no pride in anything, even to the point of leaving used sanitary pads lying about in her room. She does try to talk to me but clams up when my partner enters the room. There is a terrible atmosphere whenever my partner is near her and all my partner seems to want to do is run my daughter down, they even write letters to me about how terrible my child is. This is because they are only interested in how having my daughter here affects them and their life. They insist on cleaning my daughter's private space because "they don't live like that" but seem unable to accept any view other than that they are totally right and me and my daughter are totally wrong. I don't know what to do."

How many "protect your child" and "LTBs" would this post attract I wonder?

@SleepOhHowIMissYou

No, I wouldn't be saying LTB, I would be asking what lead to the tension and how each of them could be contributing it. I wouldn't come at it with the biased assumption that it must be all the step mum's fault.

[quote aSofaNearYou]@SleepOhHowIMissYou

No, I wouldn't be saying LTB, I would be asking what lead to the tension and how each of them could be contributing it. I wouldn't come at it with the biased assumption that it must be all the step mum's fault.[/quote]
So you're saying you agree it's all the daughter then? Even though you have just one viewpoint given.

I think you should work a dialogue in your head - have a bit of a practice over the week. When your DH and SD arrive in the house next time catch them together and announce that you realise that the SD is really / nearly an adult and that as such you will not be invading her personal space from now on. You understand that her bedroom is private to her and you will no longer enter it.
Then announce that of course you will still do her washing and such so if she just puts anything in the basket you will wash it and pop it in her own basket ready for her to put away and to just strip her bed and do the same with her sheets you will make sure clean sheets are always avaliable to her.
Later on when the whispering starts maybe make a statement such as perhaps if a conversation was not for your ears the sensible thing to do would be not to have it in front of you and to otherwise speak up.
Practice how you would say these things, use your own words, repeat when necessary.
In every instance you are stating that she is in control of what she does, not you. You are handing her control not taking it away.

@SleepOhHowIMissYou
I expect my own children to keep there rooms hygenic why shouldn't the op and she enters it to clean up after her , would you want your home smelling or attracting rodents
If the op dh wants to talk to his daughter in private they could go out for a walk on their own, he could talk to her in her room as the op said she doesn't go in when as is there.
Or he could say to OP can you give us 5 mins please etc
Your judging based on your experience as well which relate to you, obviously we only have the OP viewpoint but she has asked for advice and if this is normal behaviour and she isn't a maid.

So you're saying you agree it's all the daughter then? Even though you have just one viewpoint given.

No, like I said, I would look at the evidence and consider that any or all of them could be at fault, not assume it was one person I was predisposed to be biased against.

@aSofaNearYou

So you're saying you agree it's all the daughter then? Even though you have just one viewpoint given.

No, like I said, I would look at the evidence and consider that any or all of them could be at fault, not assume it was one person I was predisposed to be biased against.

Except that I am in the minority in my opinion here. I am saying there's a different viewpoint rather than the echo chamber of "yes, you're totally right and how dare she, and how dare he, and you have a DH problem, LTB".

I have offered my perspective as an alternative viewpoint. There aren't many agreeing with me on here. Go ahead, count them.

However, because you are part of the echo chamber, rather than using your empathetic abilities you want to fight me because you're right and I'm wrong.

I'm glad you agree there's another viewpoint, so, what do you think OP's doing wrong then?

What's clear is the girl is struggling

For 10 years? And the parents haven’t noticed at all.

This is not the case of depression or a child struggling at all

It’s her manners and the behaviour towards @Dundee67890

If she were troubled, someone would have noticed it.

She’s badly brought up and using messy, disgusting behaviour to try to drive @Dundee67890 out.

@MzHz

What's clear is the girl is struggling

For 10 years? And the parents haven’t noticed at all.

This is not the case of depression or a child struggling at all

It’s her manners and the behaviour towards @Dundee67890

If she were troubled, someone would have noticed it.

She’s badly brought up and using messy, disgusting behaviour to try to drive @Dundee67890 out.

You know her then?

Or do you have special psychic ability?

@SleepOhHowIMissYou

Believe me, the voices supporting a SM rather than assuming she is at fault are very rarely the echo chamber on here, if you are feeling that people are being a bit defensive.

What has the OP done wrong?

Possibly taken it too personally that the DSD doesn't talk much around her, but then possibly not, depending on how rudely this behaviour manifests. But tbh, I don't think OP can really be said to be at fault for anything much with a DH that regularly shouts at her if she speaks up on any of these issues.

Unless there is a massive drip feed coming or OP is lying in what she's said so far, I don't think she has anything much to answer for.

[quote donewithitalltodayandxmas]@SleepOhHowIMissYou
I expect my own children to keep there rooms hygenic why shouldn't the op and she enters it to clean up after her , would you want your home smelling or attracting rodents
If the op dh wants to talk to his daughter in private they could go out for a walk on their own, he could talk to her in her room as the op said she doesn't go in when as is there.
Or he could say to OP can you give us 5 mins please etc
Your judging based on your experience as well which relate to you, obviously we only have the OP viewpoint but she has asked for advice and if this is normal behaviour and she isn't a maid.
[/quote]
"Or he could say to OP can you give us 5 mins please etc"

...but he doesn't does he? Why is that?

Leave her room for her when she gets back! I imagine she would hate to walk into a dirty room when she is expecting you to of cleaned it up. Yes it will stink but it will teach her a lesson, also ask her to her face to clean up her sanitary products tell her it is basic hygiene and your surprised she Diddnt no. She wil feel like an idiot and will maybe think about her actions....

Or he could say to OP can you give us 5 mins please etc" ...but he doesn't does he? Why is that?

Probably because it's quite a rude thing to do in shared areas on a regular basis?

@aSofaNearYou read the thread. It's pretty much just me and one other person who said that it's least likely to be the child's fault.

If you truly can see that there are more than one side to every story why is it that all you can do is guess that the OP might be being over sensitive to the girl not being over keen to engage with her and not that she has a part in creating the hostile atmosphere.

If you read my posts you'll see that my advice to her is to not tidy the room, give them both some space and wait this out as the situation will change and some damage cannot be undone. All pretty constructive advice. Certainly more useful than leave the bastard or ban the girl from your house or write more letters telling him what a b!tch his daughter is.

I have an idea!
Why doesn’t the DH join the DSD in her pit when they need to talk privately?
OP isn’t likely to walk in on their chats then is she?
So DSD doesn’t get annoyed by OPs presence in her home, OP isn’t made to feel like shit, and DH gets to experience the lovely environment his child has created for herself.
Everyone’s a winner.

@Youseethethingis

I have an idea! Why doesn’t the DH join the DSD in her pit when they need to talk privately? OP isn’t likely to walk in on their chats then is she? So DSD doesn’t get annoyed by OPs presence in her home, OP isn’t made to feel like shit, and DH gets to experience the lovely environment his child has created for herself. Everyone’s a winner.

Sounds like a plan to me.

Probably because it's quite a rude thing to do in shared areas on a regular basis?
You would think not too many times they need to have private conversations in shared spaces but occasionally if a conversation had started that is sensitive then surely thats better than whispering , I did suggest they actually went in a walj to talk or did in the dsd room

I’ve read it all.

We need to know the other side that makes a 17 year old leave her dirty sanitary products in her room for others to clear up. And a father defend such behaviour?

Oh and the OP should ‘respect’ the private space even though it is basically absolutely revolting behaviour? The thought of leaving smelly sanitary products to reek for days on end in a room in my house makes me feel physically sick. It’s gross.

There may well be ‘another side’. And clearly all is not remotely well with this 17 year old. I think the OP deserves a medal. There’s no chance in hell someone would come into my home and treat it (and me) so disrespectfully.

And if the parent allowed it? Then they could exit quick smart behind the disgusting child.

Your DHs behaviour is a million times worse than your SDDs.

He belittles, undermines and abuses you in front of your SDD. How do your bear him?!

And it’s actually extremely rude (bullying) behaviour to whisper and actively exclude others. If you want a private conversation, say so. Excuse yourself, and seek out the opportunity to speak 121. I can think of no scenario where it’s appropriate to whisper and exclude someone. In a common space. In their own home.

@SleepOhHowIMissYou I appreciate your different viewpoint and would be interested in what you say but your comments that I’ve written to my husband telling him what a bitch his daughter is have really cancelled out any sensibilities in your argument and shown your true colours. I did write to him, I asked him how we could resolve the problems, what his feelings were on it and asked him to open up to me. Not once did I bad mouth her!! It is your tunnel vision that I am at totally at fault that lead to that comment, and voided any argument you have in my mind.

@Dundee67890

Step mum bingo is played usually by women who dislike step mums for a whole host of reasons, more often than not exes who are projecting their own insecurities. The comments are often untrue, nearly always unkind and unnecessary. Just because they’ve been repeatedly said doesn’t make them any more true. Perfect example is the comment on this thread, “you’re an outsider”, not true, I’m married to my husband, her dad, we offer her a place she could call home if she wanted. I’m not an outsider.

You are an outsider because your husband and DSD are treating you as one, not because you should be one.

It's your home and your husband is allowing (and contributing to) disrespect within it.
You have said the rest of the time it's fine so you won't rock the boat.

Then you can ignore the mess as much as you like. Nothing will change.

@sassbott so what constructive advice can you offer?

The OP gets on well with her husband and only has a problem when the daughter is there. She doesn't want to LTB.

My advice is don't clean room, give some space so there's no need for whispering and halted conversations, and remember that the daughter is nearly an adult and the situation will end soon enough.

OP's attempts to tackle the problem so far have resulted in a bad atmosphere and arguments (shouting). She's at risk of damaging her marriage because what she's tried isn't making things better.

No-one, absolutely NO-ONE thinks she should be picking up this girl's sanitary pads, me included.

So, over to you. What's the answer?

@SleepOhHowIMissYou There's a certain air of victim blaming around saying OPs actions have "caused shouting", and she has a good relationship with her husband. He shouts at her. For bringing this up in a calm and open manner. Her actions cannot be reasonably described as "causing" that. His behaviour is wrong.

Why are you so determined to focus on what OP might be doing wrong rather than accepting what the others involved are actually evidently doing wrong.