Is this normal for a step family?

[Dundee67890]

I have a situation at home that has gone on for so long I’m not even sure if it’s normal or not?

DSD is 17. I’ve been with her dad for 10 years and we’re married. She comes to our house every other weekend Fri to Monday. I wasn’t the reason her parents split but her mum hated me from the start and made my relationship with her daughter difficult from a young age.

When DSD is with us she rarely speaks to me. She’ll answer if I ask her something, but will never take the conversation further. She whispers with her dad regularly and she’ll stop talking if I walk into a room. Like most teens she spends most of the time in her room (even pre COVID). She has been with us since Friday and he literally spent the whole time in bed except for coming out when called for dinner. She’s taken drinks and breakfast back to bed.

She doesn’t wash or shower and her room is an awful mess when she leaves, used sanitary towels left lying around, dirty bed sheets - I don’t go in to her room when she’s here as it’s her private space but from a quick glance as I walk past (door ajar) it is a tip.

I don’t live like this. I work in a hospital and regularly work 50+ hours a week. My weekends are pretty special to my recovery from work and MH but I find the weekends she’s with us are stressful due to the difficult atmosphere.

I’ve tried talking to her dad but he is immediately defensive and starts shouting at me. He refuses to talk about it as he says she’s doing nothing wrong. I’ve tried writing to him but he just ignores me.

I’m not trying to stop her coming, but is there any advice on what I can do to make it better for myself? Is it normal or AIBU?

I would tell your DH you’re not cleaning her room anymore - without drama, just stating the fact. He’s not a mind reader.

I really think the right thing to do here is to refuse to clean and tidy her room. I know you think that ignoring it will affect your mental health, but you've been cleaning it every time and your MH is still affected and it won't change until you do something. I also would be leaving the shopping and cooking to my husband in your shoes. You need to rest up at the weekend by the sound of it.
I don't think there's anything you can do about typical teenage sullenness. You've tried your best and didn't get far, so it might be time to let that go for now.
FWIW, I hated my stepdad when he got with my mum and I was absolutely dreadful to them both. However my mother wouldn't tolerate any rudeness. At 17 I decided to move out of home. My teenage brain felt like my mum was choosing him over me and I never got the same attention I used to and never got to spend any time alone with her.
Over the years as I matured, I grew to love my stepdad and I've realised that he's a good man. I have nothing but respect for him and as a family our relationship is much better.
I can still count on one hand the number of times I've had time alone with my mum, but now I'm happy that she's happy.
That's why I'm not going to say LTB, (although I do think you have a DH problem here) because in a couple of years she probably won't want to come round anyway and she will mature.
You have the power here to change things by refusing to be their skivvy when she's there.

I would tell your DH you’re not cleaning her room anymore - without drama, just stating the fact. He’s not a mind reader.

I agree - sometimes the more we do, the more people expect/take us for granted.
Simply say to DH she's old enough to be cleaning her own room now can you make sure she does it and if not then he can clean it.

@toocold54

I would tell your DH you’re not cleaning her room anymore - without drama, just stating the fact. He’s not a mind reader.

I agree - sometimes the more we do, the more people expect/take us for granted.
Simply say to DH she's old enough to be cleaning her own room now can you make sure she does it and if not then he can clean it.

This. If she prefers it that way (going by how she leaves it), fine.

If they want it tidy, either she does it or he does it.

What they don't get to do is decree she leaves it messy and you trot along like a fucking house elf and put it right for the next visit's trashing.

[quote Dundee67890]@tara66 I don’t know if I’d ever leave him. I think I live in hope that the EOW visits will soon start to Peter out, sorry to step mum haters, but that’s really how I feel after years of this.

DH and I have a decent relationship outside of this situation. I know that sounds hard to believe but apart from his blind devotion to his DD we have a good time together, some might say that blind devotion is a sign of a good man? I struggle with it enormously.[/quote]
It is blind devotion though. She is his baby. Do you have children? If yes, the way you feel about them is the way he feels about her.

If he is a decent man, he will take her side over yours. That's how parents work. I believe Austen wrote along the lines that however much you love your husband, you always love your children more. With this in mind, I wouldn't set yourself up against her because if you're against his daughter then you're the enemy.

However, don't be a door mat. Don't clean her room at all. She's old enough to do it herself and if she won't, Dad should step up. He's not going to die from changing a sheet or picking up a bloody sanitary pad. In fact, I bet the first time he does it will be the last because he CAN tell her off and no teenager wants their Dad picking up their used sanitary pads.

Most teenagers stay in their rooms but we're in the middle of a pandemic and the world's upside down. It's hard for everyone including you, her and your husband and, with her being so close to adulthood, these weekends will soon end.

My advice, take a deep breath and ride it out. Setting yourself up as the enemy will damage your marriage, no parent can love someone who hates their child.

Let them have their special parent/child bond. You're not part of it. Accept this. You're an outsider to their relationship. I take it you have no desire to be this girl's mum so let it go and, unless you're being directly and blatantly insulted, don't take it personally. It's not about you and she'd likely feel the same way about anyone married to her Dad.

Yeah, I think it's not normal for any adult to be going in and cleaning the room of a 17 year old. By that age, that was my own private space. If I wanted to leave it messy that was up to me. If my parents had gone in there I would have found it really intrusive.

If she doesn't treat you as a step-mother (speaking to you respectfully, not acting as though you're The Enemy), I'd stop cleaning up after her. (She's too old to have someone acting as her personal cleaner, anyway!)

Just stay out of her life completely, if that's how she wants it. I wouldn't lift a finger to clean after her, from this point on. It's time for your husband to step up. His child, his job to raise her! He can either tell her when her room needs cleaning or he can do it himself or he can leave the rubbish and dirty clothes to accumulate until her rat's nest begins to smell but I wouldn't do anything to help. (...Well, if she leaves her things around the house for more than a day, I'd take them back to her room, then shut the door and forget about it.)

Your husband doesn't sound like much of a prize, tbh, but the one good thing about your situation is that she's 17, so with any luck, she'll be out of your house before too much longer.

She's 17, not 7!

She should know it's rude to whisper and you absolutely shouldn't have to clean her room for her, especially if she's leaving used pads around!

I'd tell DH you won't be going in her room anymore and let him deal with it. When he sees how disgusting it is he may just change his tune and have a word with her.

She sounds very immature for her age.

DH hasn’t thought about it, I guess he thinks I’ve done it. I’m not sure I’ll last until week Friday but I’ll try!

Ask him if he intends to do it? Or leave the door wide open when he's around?

i would close the bedroom door after she leaves and put some air freshners on the floor next to the door, when she comes back if she wants a clean room then it is up to her or her dad to sort it, she is taking you for a mug and knows you will clean the room. you are working hard and don't need this from a brat of a step daughter. is it possible to work a couple of weekends, ask her to stirp the bed on a monday or she can sleep on the same sheets when she next comes back, sometimes you have to play her at her own game.

Your DH should not be shouting at you!!

I don't have teenagers, yet, but this sounded like me as a teenager. I was bone idle, thought I was better than my sad act parents and was glued to my bed, only coming out for food like a cat 🙄 I got over it in a year

I could not stay with such a spineless man. Absolutely unbelievable.

I would have died of embarrassment if anyone had even seen my San Pro at that age, let alone had to clean it up!

I think closing the door is great! Imagine how much it’s going to stink when she comes back! I do think you should advise DP that you are no longer cleaning it, though - so she doesn’t accuse you of planting crap for her when she returns.

Can you do some things together without your husband. Walks, baking? It just sounds like you need to build a rapport with her without your husbands presence

Mess is normal

@Porridgeoat I agree mess is normal, but as the responses to my post have almost unanimously said, leaving used sanitary towels for someone else to find is not. As for doing things with her, please read some of the thread you’ll see this has been discussed.

OP
Do not touch the room. Tell your DH it's not been done. No explanation , just say it's not up to you to sort it out .
Have a 'headache ' Saturdaymorning and don't do the shopping , then ask them what's for tea .

@Porridgeoat

Can you do some things together without your husband. Walks, baking? It just sounds like you need to build a rapport with her without your husbands presence

Why would the daughter want to do things with OP? She's 17. She most likely wants to be in her room. Which is mostly what she's doing.

When she was younger, she probably would have wanted to do things with her Dad. However, likely that she wanted JUST her Dad. Even adult step children resent not having access to one parent without the step parent being there all the time.

It's brutal, but if OP's marriage broke down, do you really think either would pursue a relationship with the other afterwards?

OP clearly cannot stand the girl and resents the relationship she has with her Dad. The step daughter has minimal interaction with her and is whispering to exclude her and have a one to one conversation with her Dad.

I would advise the absolute opposite to your advice and suggest that she let's the girl and her Dad have some time alone without her. No need for the whispering if the conversation is just them which is clearly what both father and daughter want. If the girl is in her room most of the time, it can't be that often that the OP needs to give the pair of them some space to talk.

"It is blind devotion though. She is his baby. Do you have children? If yes, the way you feel about them is the way he feels about her.

If he is a decent man, he will take her side over yours. That's how parents work. I believe Austen wrote along the lines that however much you love your husband, you always love your children more. With this in mind, I wouldn't set yourself up against her because if you're against his daughter then you're the enemy."

I am a parent and I don't feel 'blind devotion' towards my children, I love them dearly but they are people with flaws like us all and part of my job as a parent is to guide and shape them in knocking off the corners that are really unacceptable to the world at large, such as whispering at 17 (WTF!) and the outrageously disrespectfulness of leaving soiled sanitary products for someone else to clean up. I am separated and while I've not had any boyfriend spend time with them yet, I would expect a level of civility from them towards him the same as I would expect them to show ANYONE. How on earth is ignoring this behaviour or worse, shouting at the OP for objecting to it doing this young lady any favours, apart altogether from how hard it is for the OP. Love is not just some gooey, support everything bond that allows for no correction or direction. If that were the case we'd never argue with our children and just let them do what they like, watch what they like, never brush their teeth etc. Love is a verb, a set of actions, not all of which are easy.

@theleafandnotthetree

"It is blind devotion though. She is his baby. Do you have children? If yes, the way you feel about them is the way he feels about her.

If he is a decent man, he will take her side over yours. That's how parents work. I believe Austen wrote along the lines that however much you love your husband, you always love your children more. With this in mind, I wouldn't set yourself up against her because if you're against his daughter then you're the enemy."

I am a parent and I don't feel 'blind devotion' towards my children, I love them dearly but they are people with flaws like us all and part of my job as a parent is to guide and shape them in knocking off the corners that are really unacceptable to the world at large, such as whispering at 17 (WTF!) and the outrageously disrespectfulness of leaving soiled sanitary products for someone else to clean up. I am separated and while I've not had any boyfriend spend time with them yet, I would expect a level of civility from them towards him the same as I would expect them to show ANYONE. How on earth is ignoring this behaviour or worse, shouting at the OP for objecting to it doing this young lady any favours, apart altogether from how hard it is for the OP. Love is not just some gooey, support everything bond that allows for no correction or direction. If that were the case we'd never argue with our children and just let them do what they like, watch what they like, never brush their teeth etc. Love is a verb, a set of actions, not all of which are easy.

The love you feel for your children is totally different to the love you feel for your spouse.

He thinks his daughter is doing nothing wrong and there are two sides to every story. If someone wrote me a letter outlining what a brat my child was (as OP has done to him) I would immediately be on the defensive against them because my loyalties lie with my child.

What does this girl do? Not wash. Not get out of bed. Not complete hygiene basics (sanitary pads on floor). Tries to have conversations in private with her father which stop when OP enters the room. If this was your child I think alarm bells would be ringing. Does any of this sound well adjusted or mentally healthy? Do you think the girl is benefiting from the "atmosphere" in this house which OP blamed entirely on her being there.

This man is in a very difficult situation with his unhappy wife on one side and unhappy daughter on the other. Thing is, one is replaceable and, as a parent, you know full well which one he can live without.

Completely agree with the above poster - my job is to teach my DC to be decent humans. If I fail to do that and instead just support whatever they choose to do, then they have a much higher risk of becoming miserable unhealthy social pariahs much as I love them!!

Blind devotion is bloody unhealthy. He is treating his daughter like she is his bloody Valentine, not a rude, slovenly adolescent who treats his wife like a Kardashian wannabe treats the hotel staff on their Vegas hen’s do. I don’t understand how you can be attracted to someone who allows this for several days every fortnight, then act like nothing has happened! It is not normal to switch your own feelings on and off like that. You have been trained to accept this.

I was a horribly messy teenager but I would have died of embarrassment if my mum had had to clear up my used sanpro. Additionally, I would always take used crockery into the kitchen. I would suspect she started doing this to push boundaries and discovered that there aren't any. I would not clean up after her and if she complains, don't get into an argument, just say you've had enough and it's now up to her.

@justilou1

Blind devotion is bloody unhealthy. He is treating his daughter like she is his bloody Valentine, not a rude, slovenly adolescent who treats his wife like a Kardashian wannabe treats the hotel staff on their Vegas hen’s do. I don’t understand how you can be attracted to someone who allows this for several days every fortnight, then act like nothing has happened! It is not normal to switch your own feelings on and off like that. You have been trained to accept this.

Very well put and yes, I cannot understand how the OP can remain attracted and attached to someone who acts like that. Best case scenario is he is merely a wet and and pretty negligent parent, itself unattractive. But it's how he's responding to the OPs perfectly reasonable objections to how she and her home are being treated that push into the category of thinking she should really reconsider this relationship. I can't see how he can be so perfect in every other way if he is so lacking in this area